Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
Charles
Well, this lack of response is reassuring.
My heart is thumping hard, and Zeke’s hand has a strangle grip on mine. I almost want to ask him to let up, but when I glance over at the mess of expression on his face, I squeeze his hand back as well.
“I don’t think this is the kind of conversation you drop over lunch,” Dad says, and I’m surprised at the edge in his voice. Out of the two of them, I’d thought he’d be the one to understand most.
“When would you approve of it, then? Over the phone? On graduation day?”
“How about four years ago before you started this degree?”
My laugh is hollow. “You wanted me to stand up to Grampy when I was eighteen? Father’s almost fifty and he still doesn’t.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dad says.
“Yeah, I do. Father was given a choice between you and the family, and he chose you anyway. Why is he allowed to pick what makes him happy and I’m not?”
Father holds up a hand. “No one is saying that.”
“It sounds like they are.”
“We’re …” He exchanges a look with Dad that flicks toward Zeke, and Dad takes over.
“It’s the timing that makes us suspicious.
What are your plans? To decide not to graduate six weeks out?
To ditch Cornell? Jesus, Charles, these are opportunities that most people would kill for.
How do we know …” His laugh is as humorless as mine.
“How are we supposed to believe this has nothing to do with him?”
“Because if you think that,” Zeke snaps, “you’re severely underestimating him.”
And while I appreciate the support, it does have to do with him. Not in the way my dads are thinking, but he’s a big part of the timing.
“You’re right. It was Zeke who helped me see how messed up it would be for me to force myself through this.
Hearing him talk about his goals only proved how empty mine are.
I’m going to graduate, but I’m also postponing Cornell.
I want to take the next year off to recalibrate and figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. ”
“Being a lawyer is not that bad,” Father says.
“For people who want to be one, sure. But I don’t. It’s tedious. Do you want me dealing with that bone-deep exhaustion every day for the rest of my life?”
“Of course not.” Dad scrubs a hand over his beard. “We want you to be as happy as us one day, but you’ve always been your grandfather’s favorite, despite everything. Do you think you can walk away from that?”
“Yes. Because I’m not going to be a lawyer or a politician or anything else on his list of appropriate career choices.
And I’m not going to marry a woman. Or live in New York.
I’m not actually sure what I’m going to do, but the first thing I’m looking into is teaching and what it will take to get me there. ”
“Teaching?” Father asks like he doesn’t understand the word.
But Zeke’s looking at me in awe. “You’d be an amazing teacher.”
“I think so.”
Dad chuckles. “And is this teaching going to take you to the West Coast?”
I stiffen at his question. I should have known he’d ask that, but I don’t have an answer.
Before Zeke and I get a chance to talk about whether this is something real or a college thing, I’m definitely not going to be having this conversation with my parents.
“I’m open to all possibilities,” I answer as pragmatically as I can.
“All?” Zeke asks, and the question takes him by surprise as much as it does me.
And even though I want him to beg me to come to California with him, I’m also determined not to base my life around one person again. “I have a lot to think about.”
“Wow.” Dad clears his throat and sits back in his chair. A very long pause joins us at the table. “Okay, so, lunch?”
“Yes. I’m starving.”
And even though I can tell my dads are wary of this change, I know I have their support anyway. They’re never going to sugarcoat things, and I know we’ll be talking about this more, but at the end of the day, I have what they both should have had from their parents: unconditional love.
No matter how much I fuck up, they’ll be there for me. If I tell them I’m moving to California to be with Zeke, even with no job or plans for what’s next, they’ll probably chew me out for being an idiot, but they’d never try to stop me from leaving.
Dad’s right. People would kill to have what I have.
We finish up eating, and Zeke excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Father watches him leave, a thoughtful look on his face.
“All right, out with it,” I say.
“With what?”
“What you think about Zeke.”
Dad’s grin is fast. “I like him.”
“Yes, because you know my father won’t.” Father purses his lips. “Tattoos, Charles, really? And what’s going on with that eyebrow?”
“I like it. It’s hot.”
“He looks like a punk.”
Dad sniggers. “So did I when you met me.”
“Great,” I groan. “My father and I share a type.”
That makes them both laugh at my expense. Assholes. Finally, Father relaxes. “And how are you actually doing?”
This burst of happiness lights me up. “Really good.”
The two of them share a soft look like they always do. “Zero,” Dad says.
“Pardon?”
“That’s how many times you told us you were fine today.”
“I don’t think I’m following.”
Dad leans forward, crossing his arms over the table. “Whenever we talk to you, we count up how many times you tell us you’re fine in the conversation. Anything more than five is cause for worry. You probably average a …”
“Three.” Father nods.
“Yeah, a three. Today, it was zero. I don’t think we’ve ever had a zero.”
“Not since senior year of high school,” Dad agrees.
Judging by the way they’re talking, it doesn’t sound like a bad thing. “And you don’t want me to be fine?” I clarify.
“Fuck no. Fine is a reflex, what you say when you don’t want to think about things too hard. But really good, like you are today? I don’t think we’ve heard that from you before.”
I … don’t know what to say to that. “I mean … it’s not like I’m ever unhappy.”
“Nah, we know. But you’re never exactly happy, are you?”
I give myself a moment to think back over the last few years. Nothing stands out as being an event that caused me to crash and burn, but over the years, I’ve gotten tired. Just quietly doing the things I’m supposed to. “I guess not.”
“So, the question is, are you happy now because of what you’ve told us, or is someone else responsible for that?” Father’s gaze drifts back toward the bathrooms, where Zeke disappeared.
“Don’t get me wrong, Zeke makes me happy, and if things don’t work out …” I puff a breath, not wanting to follow that line of thought. “But my future is what I’ve been stressing over for years, and having that out there is this massive relief.”
Dad cringes. “Is there a reason you didn’t come to us before now?”
“I thought I could handle it. I figured there are way worse lives to have, and at the end of the day, I didn’t want to cause any more strain between you guys and Grampy.”
Father almost chokes. “The only reason we’ve kept him in our lives all this time was because you were so close with him.”
“What?” I look between them. “I thought he threatened to cut you off?”
“He did. And that ultimatum is what ruined my relationship with him forever. But being a Levine means he’d never follow through, because then he’d have to admit to his friends that he turned his back on his queer son.
Plus, he does love me in his own convoluted way.
But the relationship he has with me was never up to him.
It was up to me. And if he can’t accept you making your own choices, I’m more than happy to walk away. ”
Well, that’s a whole new perspective I’d never considered. This whole time I’d thought Grampy held the power. “Shit. This lunch has been a lot.”
“You’re telling me. I need a drink.” Dad picks up the drinks menu from the middle of the table, but Father takes it and places it back down again.
“Even with all these changes, I still want you focused for the rest of the year. You might want to use this degree for credits or go back to law one day, and I don’t want your final results to be ones you regret.”
It’s what I’d been planning anyway. I’m not stupid. I know throwing away four years of hard work is a huge risk. “Already planning to.”
“Which means more focus on study and not boys.”
I snort. With how little time Zeke and I get to spend with each other, that isn’t a worry. “It’s not Zeke who’s the problem.”
“Then what is?”
How do I tell my dads the fraternity that’s driven me mad for years has been suspended and I want to undo that suspension? I give them the quickest rundown I can, overly aware of when Zeke returns halfway through my explanation.
And then Father points out the one thing that had never occurred to me but should have been blatantly obvious.
“You know, the best thing about Greek life is that it’s a community. A tight-knit one. One that people outside of the brother or sisterhood will never understand. And it’s a big community, Charles. If two fraternities can pull off everything you’ve done this year … imagine what they could all do.”