Chapter 1 Easton
EASTON
Present Day
Nothing about this feels right.
I can’t…I can’t do it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Here it is. My moment of clarity.
The split second in time I’ve been hopelessly praying for my emotionally deceived brain to recognize. Hit me like a ton of bricks and woke me up from a blind slumber.
The moment the portable set of white doors opens, I know.
I can feel it. How wrong this is. How wrong she is for me.
It’s upon seeing Sydney’s smile as she walks toward me with her arm linked through her father’s that I freeze. My entire spirit falls dead to the man I am—the man I’ve become.
I know the moment she sees it, too.
That’s not my future wife walking toward me. That’s my dead brother’s first love, and nothing about this is right.
Without warning, I raise my hand to the officiant, hoping my sick expression and stiff frame will tell him what my lack of words can’t.
I’m not getting married today.
“If…” He stares at me in question but doesn’t attempt to stop me as I slowly give him my back. “If you would excuse the groom for a moment. We will continue with the ceremony shortly.”
No, we most certainly will not.
Before I can escape, I turn toward Sydney one last time, hoping she can read me.
Fuck. We’ve known each other since diapers.
Please read me, Syd. I need to tune out the devastation of our guests, the mumbled whispers making me feel like a coward.
Pain overtakes my presence, and I’m lucky I haven’t fallen to my knees by now.
Sydney knows me well enough to see I’m crumbling. At least, I hope she does.
Please see it.
“I just need a minute,” I announce, but it’s more like a whisper, with my eyes locked on hers. I expect to see shock on her beautifully painted face, but all that’s there is concern.
“East.”
That’s all it takes before I’m gone, nodding my head for her to follow. I hustle to the barn just beyond the outdoor vineyard, dodging tables and chairs under the reception tent on my way there.
I’m ashamed.
Just like I hoped, I spot Sydney behind me, not giving a damn about trampling her wedding dress through iced dirt. She catches up, frazzled and confused as I enter the barn.
Sydney and her bridesmaids used this space to get ready and take photos beforehand. All the shit women are supposed to do prior to their wedding ceremony.
The wedding I just blew to pieces and is likely tainted for her indefinitely. Women dream about their wedding day. How fucking tragic.
“East,” she huffs out, strong and surprisingly steady.
I can’t breathe. I feel like I could puke, and my insides turn sour. What am I doing? Is this what my life has amounted to? Running away from my fears while terrified to let anyone I love down?
Resting my hands on my knees, I focus on settling my heavy breathing. If I can muster the energy to turn around, I can talk to her. Talk this out however she needs. Explain what I’m thinking and try to determine where we go from here.
The last thing I want is for her to think she’s the problem. Ending things the right way is the only option…even if I have no clue what that means.
But I do know Sydney deserves that. My brother deserves that.
I need to explain. Yet, something about the furrow in her brow tells me she already knows.
So, I begin to rise, giving her my full attention. The moment we make eye contact, tears burst from her eyes. “Oh, Easton. I know.” She nods her head, shuffling forward and pulling me into a hug. “It’s okay.”
How can she say that? It’s not okay. I just stopped our wedding while she was walking down the aisle.
“Fuck, Syd. It’s not. It’s not okay. It’s not supposed to be like this.” My chest hurts and I can’t catch my breath. Thank God she’s holding me because otherwise I’d be face-first on the floor by now.
“Says who?” She turns my face toward hers. “I don’t remember a set of rules being given to us and our relationship. Do you?”
This is the Sydney I grew up with. The woman who played ball with the guys and told me to stop being a little bitch when my high school girlfriend broke my heart.
Emotions hit me before I can stop them, knocking the air out of me completely.
I stand to my full height and raise my voice.
Not at her but for her. “Says me! I promised him, Syd. I promised! We were brothers, and brothers don’t go against their word.
When you have a bond like we did, your word means everything. Simple as that. It’s fucking betrayal.”
“You are brothers. Just because Ben isn’t here physically doesn’t mean he’s not here.” She taps my chest forcefully to relay the message.
Message fucking received.
“It was my job to take care of you,” I whisper breathlessly, my voice croaking through the sorrow. “He asked me to.”
“And you have.” She wipes the lonesome tear under my eye. “You’ve given me everything, East. Did I think we’d be getting married today? Yes. And as much as I hate admitting it now, I would have married you. You’re a comfort I’m not sure I can live without.”
The feeling is mutual. And I think that’s what fucked it all up for us.
I lead her to the sofa beside us and guide her next to me.
I yank at the roots of my hair, hating myself for letting things get this far.
“I’m so, so sorry.” There’s a heavy emphasis on my words.
“I thought I could do it. I wanted to do it. To marry you, I mean. But fuck, Syd. I know I probably still should, but I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
“Or to you.” There’s nothing but pure kindness in her voice, and I admire her for that.
I’m not worried about me. She should be screaming at me right now, cursing me to hell. But this graciousness…it’s very…Sydney.
I don’t know why I expected anything different.
“You deserve to be happy, East. I want that for you, and I know Ben would, too. Things between us escalated out of grief. We both know that.” She exhales, a profound sadness in her voice that matches mine.
“I think we were just too afraid to say it because we were already in too deep. You’ve been my best friend for my entire life, and when Ben died, you were all I had left of him.
Your family was my family even before we were engaged.
Co-dependence is common during grief, and we fell victim to it,” she continues.
Goddamnit. This hurts. Feels like losing him all over again.
“I care about you so much, Sydney. I hope you know that. I know I’m shitty with my words, but just know you deserve a man who will love you for you. I don’t want you to feel like I was ever using you. I didn—”
“Never. You are the best man I know, Easton Voss. I know Ben would testify to that if he were here, too. Any woman will be lucky to be loved by you. But our story is over. I kinda think it never really started. And as much as that hurts me to admit, I know something better is ahead. For both of us.”
Pulling Sydney into a hug, I whisper against the side of her head, “And you are the best woman I know, Sydney Summers. You were Ben’s very best thing. And I’m a jackass for passing you up. Just know I’ll be rooting for you. For your happiness.”
She taps my nose playfully. “And you better promise me one thing.”
Please be something simple. “What’s that?”
That’s when she stands and walks toward what looks to be her purse in the corner of the room, and pulls out two rectangular pieces of paper.
I know what that is. “Sydney, no. No. Anything but that.”
“Ah!” she quips, imitating a zipper sealing her lips with her hand. “You can and you will.”
“Are you hearing yourself?” I snap. “Shouldn’t we be fighting it out right now? You rolling my dead body down the vineyard hill?”
“What for? You and I have never fought. Not as friends and never as lovers. Why start now?”
I shake my head. “You’re killing me.”
“I know. Now take them. Go on the trip, Easton. Find yourself. Grieve. I mean really grieve. Let go of whatever guilt you have and focus on you. The hero complex is getting old.”
Hero complex? I’ve heard that one too many times.
I do nothing but stare at the two boarding passes in my hands. I don’t feel like I deserve it, but should I do it? Should I take this trip alone and see what happens?
It’s evident I have some serious shit to work through.
Space could be good for me. But also…
“You sure you don’t want to go? I just called off our wedding, Sydney. People are going to talk. Fuck, will they ever. I don’t want you having to deal with my mess.”
She waves me off before leaning down to kiss my forehead softly. “The only one you need to worry about talking to is my father. But I’ll fight him off till you get back. Don’t worry about the rest of them. They got an all-expenses-paid trip to Nashville out of it. I’d hardly count that as a loss.”
I guess that’s one plus to Sydney coming from money.
A smile creeps up my face, shocked to feel even a sliver of joy right now. I know I’m a long way off from better, but I’m hopeful of what’s to come.
It may take me forever to get there, but I intend to start prioritizing myself. No matter what it takes. And I can only hope Sydney does the same for herself.
“Okay, I’ll go,” I tell her calmly. “But there’s still some things we need to talk about when I get back.”
Sydney nods. “I know. And all that can wait. I’ll get my stuff cleared out of the condo while you’re gone and have everything figured out before you get back.”
“You’re welcome to stay however long you need. Hell, you can have it if you want. The lease is up in a few months anyway. If you need me to cover the rent, just say the word.”
She smiles. “Nah. That’s okay. I think I’d prefer to start fresh. It’s kind of exciting, actually.” Just when I think she’ll tell me her plans, her smile falls. “It may take some time to rebuild, but I’m ready to try.”
“You wish Ben were here?” I ask, feeling the sting of his absence myself.
One simple nod is enough to tell me I did the right thing for both of us. I place my palm over her heart. “He’s right there, remember?”
Tears fill her eyes as a choked sob leaves her lips. “Thank you, Easton. You saved me from so much pain. Past and future. Now, you go find out who Easton Voss is without all this.” She waves her hands around us, and a strong sense of hope washes over me.
“I’ll do my best, Syd. I promise you that.”