CHAPTER 6 johnnie NOW
johnnie
NOW
Here I stand, quite literally staring into the eyes of my before.
That’s how I define my life now.
There was before him and after him.
I would like to tell him as much, but I’m holding my breath and words just don’t come out.
The silence is deafening.
The smell of him drifts through my nose, causing it to sting and sending a burn to my eyes.
Tobacco and vetiver.
How does he smell the exact same as he did nearly a decade ago? Skin sun-drenched far more than I remember, crinkles lining the corner of his eyes, broader muscles. Still 100 percent the boy I remember—only now, he’s all man.
My brain is absolute mush, words have zero chance of forming as I swallow down guilt, regret, and a torrent of emotions.
I realize there’s something between us, looking down to see a white envelope in Collins’ hand.
I snap out of the stupor I’m in when he thrusts the envelope an inch closer. The loud hush still lingers as I watch him take a step back, his jaw tightening, eyes hardening just enough to hide whatever’s underneath, before he turns around and climbs back in his truck without a single word.
Standing there, rigid, heart pounding, and holding the envelope, confusion sinks in as I watch him drive away. My stomach drops, everything hurts, and that’s when the tears slide down my cheeks and dot the paper in my hand.
Once he’s down the road and out of view, I inhale, clutching the envelope and pressing it to my chest, a desperate attempt to hold myself together. I don’t know what it could possibly contain, but I’m certain I need more time before finding out.
I head back across the street, get in my rental, and head for Nan’s. I’ve been back in Laken for less than two hours and not a single thing I’ve encountered doesn’t cause pain.
I should have known.
Pulling into the old trailer park that holds an endless expanse of memories, both good and bad, I see Nan’s trailer.
The faded 6 lot number sticker is peeling at the edges and weathered far more than I remember.
My tears won’t be drying up anytime soon, but I remind myself how much stronger I am than when I left. I can absolutely handle this, I will.
I can’t help but notice the place next door, where my Combs boys used to reside.
A tricycle in the yard and chalk drawings covering the cracked cement out front make me smile for the first time in days, and I’m grateful for the reprieve.
I don’t know who lives there now, but I’m glad to see a family thriving.
Nan and I talked on the phone every day after I left, and she flew out to stay with me from time to time.
We talked about anything and everything—except Collins.
He was off-limits. Nan upheld her end of the deal.
I could tell every now and then that she wanted to talk about everything that led up to me leaving, but she respected my wishes.
When I really think about it, I think Nan is the only person to ever truly have my back and support me—always.
Loving me with infinite grace, like no other.
She was my angel on earth, and now she’s my angel in heaven. That’s why I’m here. No matter how much the memories of this place might hurt, I’m determined to take care of everything and give her the sendoff she deserves.
I wake to the glow of the street light illuminating the intricate flowers on the sofa I evidently dozed off on. I can’t believe I’m back at Nan’s and she’s not here. That stinging pang of realization hits me in the chest every time I wake. Will it ever go away?
Will there ever come a day that I don’t open my eyes for the day and have to remind myself that she’s gone? It feels eerily similar to the way I’ve felt since I’ve left Laken—left him.
Just as I start to sit up, the sound of a car door clanks outside.
I forgot just how thin these walls were.
I walk to the side window, seeing a golden glow from the porch light shining on a man just entering the front door, and if I didn’t know any better I would think it was Collins.
This place and my lack of sleep have my mind muddled.
There’s not a chance that, ten years later, he would still be living in that little trailer.
I do know that Combs Landscaping has done quite well over the years.
Thanks to the internet, I haven’t been completely immune to checking in on them from time to time.
All three brothers should definitely be able to afford living in something grander than a single wide.
Yet, just as I’m thinking it, the man steps back out.
This time with a toddler slung over one shoulder, limp as a noodle and sound asleep.
As I’m about to back away from the window, he turns and his eyes find mine as though he could sense me near. Oh my god.
It is him.
My breath catches, and he looks away, continuing the trek to a vehicle I don’t recognize, placing the sleeping child in a car seat in the back, then climbing in the driver seat and taking off before my mind has a chance to process what I’ve just seen.
I have no idea what that was all about but my head hurts. I need to shower, go to bed, and reassess life in the morning. That’s exactly what I do.
Stumbling my way through the hallway the next morning, dust glittering in the streaks of sunlight shining through, I walk to the kitchen and start a pot of coffee.
If Nan was here, she’d already be at the counter on a barstool with a mug and a cigarette saying she thought I was going to sleep the day away.
The envelope on the kitchen counter taunts me as I try my best to ignore it.
Questions swirl through my mind. I know I should just go over there, rip it open, and find out…
but I’m scared. I’ll open it eventually.
If it’s something bad, I don’t want to know.
It’s going to have to wait a little longer. My heart can’t handle any more sadness.
Putting creamer in my cup, I pause mid-pour when I notice movement through the narrow window on the door.
Creeping up to take a better look, I find Collins once again, this time sans child.
Brown work boots, light washed jeans, and a brown coat with a corduroy collar attached to his sturdy frame.
There’s slightly more than an afternoon shadow on his face, something I haven’t seen before.
Even his hair is shorter and not as unruly as when we were young.
Time has been most gracious to him. He’s even more stunning than every memory I hold.
Just then the door swings open, and a woman runs barefoot down the rickety steps holding out a black thermos. He turns and smiles at her, taking it, and she reaches up, throwing arms around his neck. She pecks him on the cheek and he rubs his hands up and down her back.
I’m going to be sick.
He takes off with thermos in hand, and she stands and watches him leave, tightening the silk robe around her waist. She’s beautiful, and thanks to the close proximity of these trailers, it’s not hard to catch the details.
Long dark hair, big pouty lips, thick dark eyelashes, and a body to die for.
I take in her tanned legs that lead down to black painted toes, and heat fills my face.
Not only does Collins still live in his old home, but he’s married with a child? I don’t know what I expected. I know my emotions are irrational but I can’t bring myself to give a shit. This hurts. My stomach is in knots, all twisted up in anger, jealousy, and sadness.
The woman walks back up the steps and inside, while a part of me dies right then and there.