Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
I close my eyes for what feels like two seconds before jumping awake when Jack whispers my name. My eyelids feel like they’re fighting against a gravitational pull as I squint at him, concern etched on his brow.
“You’re shivering,” he declares, a hint of anger in his tone.
“It’s probably because of the tissue paper sack trying to pass as a sleeping bag.”
“Can you crawl out for a second?”
He helps me unzip myself and has me stand off to the side while he does some kind of trick and zips our sleeping bags together, making one big bag, then he repositions our sleeping pads beside each other.
Well, now…this is cozy.
“Climb in,” he says, but I don’t have the energy to move.
So he scoops me up, depositing me on one side so I can crawl in.
I’m lying on my uninjured side, facing the middle of our big sleeping bag, when the most delectable thing happens.
He places a water canteen and the lantern nearby before he removes his boots and slips in beside me.
I swear, if he spoons me, I’m turning into a puddle right here in this couple’s snuggle burrito, and I’m making a deal with the canyon to keep us here forever.
There’s a pang in my heart because I know he’s taking care of me, but I can sense his resolve to put distance between us on every other level.
I’m still shivering when he scoots in closer, and I think he’s about to wrap me in his arms to share his body heat, but he stops with a foot of space between us and places a hand on top of the blanket, awkwardly patting my shoulder.
“What is that?”
“I’m trying to warm you.”
“By petting me like a dog?” I protest, my teeth chattering. “Bella got more warmth from Edward’s cold, glittery limbs. I need Jacob vibes right now.”
He swallows hard. “I don’t wanna hurt you.”
I nearly scoff. While that’s probably part of it, he mostly doesn’t want to get too close and muddy the line he’s drawn between us.
Well, I’ve got news for him.
“Jack, will you please just hold me?” I breathe, feeling groggier as the pain meds kick in.
He sighs.
“I was promised spoonage,” I add with a silly smile, allowing my lids to close.
“By whom?”
“By you, when you made this mega blanket. There was an implied understanding that you intended to warm me up. And I’m still cold.”
“I don’t think snuggling is a good idea, Willow.”
I hum. “Nope. I like it better when you call me Lo. Nobody else calls me that. And I think snuggling is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.”
Somewhere outside, a bat squeaks, and my heart drops when it seems like he’s not going to move. But then his voice pulls me out of the cold sleep that gripped me. “Can you move to this side?”
I roll to my back and begin shuffling closer, and he lifts his body over mine, taking extra care not to touch my arm. But we both freeze mid-shuffle, and the man is basically planking above me.
“You have yummy muscles.” I blurt out, making him groan.
“You’re not making this easy.”
“Easy is boring.” I lift hooded eyes to his face, aching to trail a finger along the cords on his neck. Before I can reach up to do it, he slowly lowers himself on the other side.
And I see something in his eyes that says he wants me, too.
I won’t let those walls get in the way. I’ve never met a man who’s captivated me this way and called to the depths of who I am.
Giving up so easily would be one of the biggest regrets of my life.
And this is one thing I will not be giving up on easily.
With a smile on my face, I shimmy over just a smidge, rolling onto my side so my back is to him. “Bring those biceps closer, Mr. Russel.”
“Is that the pain meds, or do you seriously think my name is Jack Russel?” he asks, his gravelly voice sending a shiver down my toes as he presses his delectable body heat against my back.
“I mean, it’d be pretty cruel of your parents, but I wouldn’t hold it against you.”
My eyes begin to drift shut, and I take the hand he rested on my hip and tuck it under my arm. “You’re a great snuggler. You shouldn’t be holding back on people. Mm…actually, I don’t want you giving cuddles to anyone else. Unless it’s a puppy. That’s highly encouraged.”
“Puppies only. Got it.”
I feel him shift forward, then move his head back to where it was.
“Did you just sniff my hair?”
“I think you’re a little delirious,” he says after shifting his body slightly.
All I’m thinking about is singing the Sandra Bullock serenade to Benjamin Bratt from Miss Congeniality.
But I hold back from teasing him about being into me and decide not to push at those barriers he’s putting up, mostly since I am, in fact, delirious.
But a vulnerability lingers with the lack of eye contact, and maybe the likelihood that I won’t remember any of this in the morning will help him open up.
“Jack?”
“Hmm?”
“Please don’t shut me out…”
The rise of his chest brushes against my back with his inhale. “We barely know each other. We shouldn’t confuse the emotion of all this—”
I snort out a chuckle, cutting him off. “We both know that’s not what’s happening. You’re scared.”
“Maybe I am, but I have my reasons.”
Screw this. I can’t have this conversation with my back to him. I push against his chest, rolling to my back to face him, even if it’s just to catch the faintest glint from the moon in his eyes.
“Help me understand. ‘Cause it feels like you’re pushing me away so you don’t get hurt again.”
He glares at me. “I’m literally spooning you.”
“It’s a green flag, but you know that’s not what I meant. Please tell me what happened, Jack?”
His eyes bounce around my face, his breathing becoming more rapid.
I want to hug him so badly, but he needs to let this thing he’s been carrying out.
I know it in the same way I know I can’t be a sports journalist or wear three-quarter-length jeans.
This secret he’s keeping is a suffocating weight, one he can only lift by talking about it, by telling someone the truth.
“Why didn’t you like being touched?” I press when he remains silent.
He lets out a humorless laugh. “Pretty sure I still don’t, except with you…”
I know I’m tripping on pain meds…but that’s as gooey and swoon-worthy as I’m imagining, right?
“Jack…”
He releases a sharp exhale, rolling to his back as he speaks to the sky like it’ll hold all his secrets.
“I lost someone—my partner in the force.”
“Tell me…” I whisper.
“His name was Doug. I failed him when he needed me the most.”
“I don’t know what happened, but I know you well enough that I’m pretty certain you didn’t fail him. Not without thinking you were making the best decision at the time.”
“He wanted to wait,” he continues, as if I hadn’t said anything. “We had this huge drug case we were working on, and I was cocky, riding the high of a streak of closed cases.”
He sounds like the whole canyon is sitting on his chest as he lets out a heavy breath.
“He said something felt off, but for the first time in my career, I ignored my gut and pushed ahead. We’d gotten a tip-off that an exchange was happening that night, possibly human trafficking…
and I leaped into the unknown without waiting for backup. ”
His gritty throat clearing punctuates the air, along with a weighty pause. The wind whistles like it’s urging him on, and he lets out another heavy exhale.
“The place was rigged. The second we stepped in…an explosion sent a beam on top of us. We were both pinned, and he begged me to stay awake. I think he knew he was dying, but he didn’t want to be alone.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital with second-degree burns and a dead partner. ”
My heart feels like it’s being pounded with a mallet, aching for the guilt he’s let become his armor. “You w-were burned?” I stammer, shifting to my tummy and stifling a wince at the pull on my arm.
“Mostly my left leg. By the end of it, all the therapy and wound dressing—I couldn’t stand anyone’s touch.
I don’t even know why. I’ve had injuries before.
But it’s like being cared for only made me feel worse.
” His words come out a little less strained, like voicing the pain has loosened some of the stronghold it has on him.
He’s probably been told a hundred times that his aversion is psychosomatic, and I don’t know what to do with the fact that he doesn’t mind my touch.
I’m hoping it’s a step to living fully free.
“I’m so sorry for what you went through.” I move so that my head is resting on his shoulder. “But it sounds like you were blindsided. You have a good heart, Jack, and I’d bet my life that the possibility of shutting down a human trafficking ring was worth the risk for you.”
He doesn’t put a hand on me, but I feel the steadying of his heart under my ear.
“I may not mind your touch, Lo, but I know I’m still too messed up to start a relationship. I don’t know if I can survive letting someone down like that again. And tonight is proof that that’s what happens when I let people get too close.”
I scrunch my face as I lift my head to scowl at him.
“So what, you’re gonna go the rest of your life pushing everyone away ‘cause you’re afraid?
You can’t live your life in a fortress. It’s hard either way, Jack, whether you choose to let people in and risk your heart or you keep yourself closed off forever.
Neither of those options is easy, but only one of them has the potential for happiness. ”
With slow movements, he sits up, raking a hand through his hair before maneuvering out of the sleeping bag to put on his boots.
And it feels like I’ve been pulling a loose thread on a sweater.
I’m only trying to fix things, but I’m not sure if picking at it wasn’t a huge mistake, because now the whole thing will unravel until it’s ruined.
“I’m gonna check the perimeter.” He turns to cast me a ghostly look over his shoulder. “Get some sleep. Your body needs it.”
What I need is his arms pulling me close against his chest and an extra soft mattress. A pillow would be nice, too.
Seriously, why are pillows not a bigger deal when camping? No one ever mentions a pillow.
Jack’s boots crunch out of our little cave, taking most of the warmth and a little hope along with him. Dejection sends another ripple of shivers down my back as I pull the sleeping bag over my shoulder, and I’m stuck wondering if this whole thing was a mistake.
How much worse can things get out here? And how much longer can I really last?
They’re the last thoughts I remember as my eyes sink closed.