Father to Son
COLT
The next day, I have lunch with Mom. Then I go look for Dad in the office, praying like hell Cash wasn’t full of shit when he said he saw my sister hanging out with Ryder on Lucky River Ranch.
I find him at his desk, phone pressed to his ear, the screen of his desktop computer lit up with a spreadsheet.
Ranching may look like all fun and chaps, but in reality, there’s a lot—a lot—of paperwork involved. Supplies, payroll, invoices, orders—my inbox is flooded with them every day of the week.
Luckily, Dad and Billie handle most of it. Once I took over as foreman, Dad started focusing on the business side of things. He’s spent most of his time in the office ever since.
I’m not sure that he loves it. But judging by the way he leans forward in his chair, bifocals perched on his nose as he scans the spreadsheet and murmurs into his phone, he’s at least dedicated to the work. Always has been, whatever that work looks like.
My stomach drops. Dad’s a good man. He makes good decisions. What is he gonna think about my decision to hang out with Lainey? What will he have to say about not telling me about her in the first place? My gut’s telling me I’m not gonna like the answer to that question.
Not everything is a fight.
I keep thinking about my brother’s words. What if I put my dukes down? Just this once? Just to see how it feels?
Tucking my hands into my front pockets, I lean a shoulder against the doorjamb and wait.
Dad must hear me, because he glances over his shoulder and smiles. “Hey, Rachel, I’m gonna have to let you go. Thanks for the update. Right. Yes. We’ll catch up again soon. Good luck with your son’s game tonight.”
He hangs up and drops his phone onto the desk.
“Got a minute?” I ask. My heart thumps in my throat.
Dad folds his hands and sets them on his stomach. “For you? Always. Sit.” He nods at the empty seat at Billie’s desk.
I do as he tells me, noticing that I don’t feel quite so angry knowing who she’s with and what she’s doing. More than anything, I miss her. Wish she were here, because I feel like she’d back me up with what I’m about to say.
Or she would have, before I walked out on her and Ryder and stopped talking to them. Even now, a knot forms in my gut when I think about how I behaved that day. I was an idiot. And yeah, definitely jealous.
I imagine my growing, er, relationship with Lainey might have something to do with the fact that their betrayal doesn’t consume me like it did a week ago.
Being around Lainey—letting down my guard when we’re together—has made me realize just how miserable I’ve been keeping myself closed off.
Yeah, I may have been in control, but I was also alone and wildly overwhelmed.
I run a hand down the worn denim on my thigh. “I’d like to have a word with you. It’s about Lainey.”
Dad’s brows pop up. “And here I was, thinking you’d come to tell me you made things right with your sister.”
“I’m working on that,” I say carefully.
“I’m glad to hear it. But please tell me Lainey didn’t leave?”
“No, no.” I wave him away. “We’re getting along. Pretty well actually.”
“You’re making things right with her at least?” His brows pop up.
“I can admit when I’m wrong.”
Dad just stares at me, a grin spreading on his face. “What a nice change. Is that Lainey rubbing off on you?”
“Ha. So what the hell are y’all gonna do now that I’m perfect?”
He lets out a bark of laughter. “Nobody’s perfect. But Lainey—isn’t she something?”
Something. My God. You have no idea, Dad.
I realize my palm is clammy when it catches on my jeans. “I wanted to know—I mean, why didn’t you tell me that you hired her? Really, why didn’t you tell me you wanted to rebrand the ranch in the first place?”
To his credit, Dad thinks on this for a minute before responding.
“I want you to know that I’d trust you with my life, Colton,” he says slowly.
“Then why not be honest with me? Because I’m tryin’ real hard to be honest myself, and it’s—that wasn’t cool of you, Dad.”
His gaze meets mine. “You’re right, son.
I’m sorry about that. But I knew you wouldn’t agree.
You don’t get away from the ranch as much as I do.
Not because you don’t want to but because that comes with the territory when you’re foreman.
I would go whole months without leaving when I had your job.
I remember Tate talking about the movie Cars and thinking he was into NASCAR or somethin’.
I had no idea what was happening in the outside world. ”
“Well, yeah. Because this was your world. Still is.”
Dad lifts a finger. “Exactly. But once I stepped into my role as principal, I started traveling more. I could see the forest for the trees. And I knew it was time for an update. I don’t disagree with you that our strengths are our traditions and reputation.”
“No one does what we do better.”
“Yes. You’re proving my point, son. We’re the best at what we do, so the sky’s the limit. The more people know about us, the more opportunities we’re going to have. You gotta keep growing. Otherwise, you’re dead.”
I’m nodding, even as I feel a little seasick. “But that means more change. I’m not—I wasn’t sure we could handle that.”
“Not all change is bad.”
My turn to think. “Lemme walk you through what’s been going on inside my head.
Not everything about the world outside is good, yeah?
You gotta understand how worried I am about letting everyone down.
The stress of keeping our legacy intact—it falls on my shoulders, and it’s a lot.
Especially when you’re making big changes to that legacy without consulting me. ”
Dad’s throat works on a swallow. “I know that feeling well. It is a lot. I’m sorry, Colt. Truly and deeply sorry I’ve added to your stress. Now that we’re talking, I regret not consulting you. I should have. But I worried…honestly, I worried you’d just worry more.”
I scoff for what feels like the hundredth time. “I always worry.”
Dad ducks his chin and gives me a look. “You’ve been keeping up with the therapy?”
“Every fuckin’ week.”
“It seems to be helping.”
Folding over, I rest my elbows on my knees and thumb at the calluses on my palm. “It does. Yes.” I look up. “But I know you think I’m still hung up on Abby. On what happened between us. The betrayal and…everything else.”
“Well, are you?”
Glancing out the window, I swallow the thickness that’s suddenly appeared in my throat. “I wanna move on. I’m working on it, obviously. But it’s”—I blow out a breath—“really fucking hard. I don’t wanna end up unhappy, and that’s where I’m gonna be if I don’t make some changes. It’s just…”
“Terrifying?”
I close my eyes against the sudden burn there and hang my head. Talk about whiplash. “Yes.”
“Since when are you afraid?” He smiles softly, like he already knows the answer to that question.
“Since forever,” I reply with a scoff. “Afraid of disappointing you and Mom and the whole family and all our ancestors.”
“No big deal.”
“Ha. Then I was afraid of hurting Abby, and now it’s Dean I worry about, and Billie and Tate and Mack and—well, you get the gist.”
Dad leans forward to put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “You can handle it. Whatever’s thrown at you. I’m so proud of you for trying, Colton. So proud of the father you’ve become.”
“Thanks.” Sniffling, I lift my head. “That means a lot. But life—it’s not perfect now, but it’s manageable. Most days anyway. If we keep changing, keep growing, that might not always be the case. I hate the idea of not being able to keep up. Of disappointing everyone.”
Dad furrows his brow. “What would ever make you think you’d be a disappointment?
Look at all the changes you’ve made just recently.
Even when you were little, you always rose to the occasion in school.
At home too. You were your mother’s best little helper.
You work hard. You love harder. Trust yourself to be able to handle whatever the universe throws your way, yeah? ”
I dig my elbows into my legs, just to make sure I’m not dreaming. Dad and I interact plenty. As adults, we’ve become good friends. Great friends even. Dad served as best man at my wedding, for crying out loud.
But we rarely, if ever, talk openly like this. It’s painful, but in a good way? Like the sore relief that comes after a broken bone is set.
I can’t help but think of how different the past might’ve been if Dad and I talked openly like this from the start.
Would he have shared any words of wisdom about me and Abby getting married so young?
Because even though he and Mom got married young too, they’ll talk about how the early days of their marriage were hard.
I wonder if he would have told me to take my time settling down. To have more fun.
That’s the advice I’d give Dean anyway.
“I’d like to think I’m that man,” I reply. “That I’ll always know what the next right thing is.”
“You are. And Dean’s not gonna be little forever. It gets easier.” Dad looks me square in the eye. “And you’re not gonna be alone forever either.”
A violent rush of heat works its way up my neck and into my face. I let out a threadbare laugh. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
“You got a big heart, Colton. It’s your job to share it.” There’s a funny gleam in his brown eyes. “Maybe if you stop resisting change so much, you’ll get the change you need. The kind that makes your life better, not harder. It’s already happening.”
A tear slips down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away with my knuckle. “Maybe.”
“So you and Lainey.”
I blink. “What?”
“I thought you came here to talk about Lainey.”
“We are talking about Lainey.”
“Are y’all…”
“What?” I feel like an idiot parrot repeating myself like this, but if Dad’s getting at what I think he’s getting at—shit.
“Do you know?” I blurt.
Dad’s face creases in a small smile. “Know what?”
“Don’t play dumb with me.” The pieces start to come together in my head. “Did you—don’t tell me you hired her because you felt sorry for me and thought we’d hit it off?”