Chapter 13 #2
“I’m lost in the past, and it ticks me off because I can see a future where…”
No way was he saying I could be happy. But that was what he felt. Yet there was a thick iron chain around him, keeping him stuck where he was. Isolated and alone.
“The past is the foundation of who you are. You’ve grown out of the broken foundation that you were born into. You are strong today. Part of this community and a protector of our people. And of all people. That’s who you are.”
All things he knew, but when he was in a spiral it was hard to believe it. “Thanks, Masani.”
“You’re welcome. Why is that charred house affecting you?”
“I don’t know. Part of it isn’t going to make sense to anyone but me. But Gracie’s mom was also found out here wandering, and it is making me remember how lost Mom was. How I couldn’t help her.”
“You were a child.”
He wasn’t anymore. It should be a case like any other, but this one, probably because he’d invited Ava and Gracie into his life, felt very different.
The stakes were higher and though he never wanted to fail, this time he knew that he couldn’t. He needed answers.
Chay finally responded to say he was busy with work but his grandmother would love to see Gracie. It took her about a minute to get over being hurt. He’d told her he was in new territory. She should give him some grace. But it felt like her heart was on the line, so she struggled.
She texted Chay back asking for his grandmother’s address and then headed toward the Navajo Nation. She’d spent a lot of time hiking and snowshoeing in the Dark Canyon National Park but hadn’t visited the Navajo Nation until recently. She was starting to like it.
Gracie fell asleep on the drive, leaving Ava alone with her thoughts. One positive to Chay semi-ghosting her was that she was no longer feeling like she was being watched. Her mom always said the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Everything had balance in life.
Her clients, like Fern, found it as they slowly recovered from the anxiety and trauma that held them prisoner. Slowly they replaced one thought pattern with a new one. She had been doing that for a while now. Finding her place in the world as a single woman.
She liked it. Though her parents were happily in love, they’d never pressured her to only view herself as someone’s wife, and she never had. She had loved Greg, and being his wife would have been deeply fulfilling, but after his death, she hadn’t thought she had to find another man.
Not until Chay.
It was more that he fit her than that she needed a man. She felt like it was Chay she wanted. But he wasn’t sure.
So she needed to give him some space. She’d keep up contact with him for Gracie’s sake, but otherwise she’d be cautious.
Except, how was she going to do that? Now that she’d started liking him and had slept with him.
Sex had never been casual for her, and if she hadn’t felt like there was a future with Chay, she wouldn’t have invited him into her bed and her life.
Ugh. She was in a spiral. Luckily, she was almost to the reservation. Glancing down at her map for a second to check the directions, her truck must have swerved, because she almost hit a car overtaking her. The other vehicle honked, driving her off the road, scraping by her as it kept on going.
Her heart was racing and her hands were shaking as she slowed her truck to a stop. The other vehicle kept going.
Ava couldn’t. That had scared her so much her hands were shaking.
She checked on Gracie. The baby was fine and hadn’t noticed anything. Reaching back, Ava tucked her blanket closer to her.
Doing some box breathing helped to slow her racing heart, and as she saw the headlights of another vehicle coming in the other direction, she got herself back on the road. She was surprised the other vehicle that had brushed her hadn’t stopped. People in these parts tended to.
Putting on her upbeat music playlist and blasting “All Over the World.” Forcing herself to sing along although a couple of times she almost lost control and started crying. Finally she made it to Aponi’s house. Pulling into the driveway, she felt like she could breathe a little more easily.
Aponi stood in the doorway as Ava got Gracie out of her car seat. “Welcome to my home.”
“Thank you. I’m so happy to be here,” Ava said. When they were all inside, she looked around, trying to be subtle to see if Chay had come over.
“He’s not here,” Aponi said.
“Of course. He’s busy with work.” Ava didn’t believe for a second that he needed to work this case 24-7.
“There’s more to life than work,” Aponi said. “But Chay is very good at his job.”
“He is. I know that he won’t stop until he finds the men who took Fern.” She saw a photo of Chay on the wall in his tribal officer uniform. “You should be very proud of him.”
“I am,” Aponi said. “I’ll make us some tea, and then can I hold Gracie?”
“You can. Actually, I can put the tea on if you want to hold her.”
Aponi agreed. “It’s been so long since I’ve held a little one.”
“Since Chay?”
“No, his father.”
Aponi sang a little song in Navajo to the baby as they waited for the kettle to boil. Ava knew she shouldn’t pry into Chay’s past, but she wanted to understand him. To figure out if she was being dumb by feeling hurt and still wanting him to be a part of her life.
“Where is Chay’s dad? He’s only mentioned his mom,” Ava said. “Don’t answer that. I’m just trying to figure stuff out, and I shouldn’t go behind his back.”
Aponi looked at her with wise eyes. “You like my grandson.”
“A lot. But he’s not making it easy.”
“He wouldn’t. Easy isn’t Chay’s way.”
Which made perfect sense. But really wasn’t helping her much. The kettle boiled and they had their tea, moving to the living room so Aponi could watch Gracie crawl around on the floor.
Ava started to relax and, instead of keeping her thoughts on Chay, saw how much Gracie enjoyed being with the older woman. “Did your people find out any more about her DNA relatives?”
“Just the connection to Diné. Chay has run a search to find out if you have any other DNA matches that weren’t known to you, but I think that was a dead end as well.”
“It’s always been just us. His father died when Chay was a baby and his mother died when he was a teen. I’m not sure if she had other kids. I think the strongest possibility is that she did. That this child would have been his half brother’s.”
Ava didn’t want to think what that would mean to Chay. Having a sibling he didn’t know about. Was that other man alive? No one knew.
Aponi shared fun stories from Chay’s childhood, and Ava stayed until nine before she left to drive home. As much as she wanted to go by Chay’s place, she resisted. When he was ready, he’d reach out to her.