Chapter 5 Kaci
five
Kaci
The sun peeks through the clouds, bringing a ray of optimism that I haven’t felt in days. Bella and I round the corner of our apartment building, en route to my assigned parking spot. My dream is to move to an apartment with a garage. More than likely a move won’t be possible until I finish school.
Bella skips beside me wearing her favorite jean skirt and her Hello Kitty backpack slug over her shoulders.
She insisted she needed to wear a skirt today, even though it’s only thirty-five degrees.
We settled on a compromise, and she put leggings underneath.
She looks adorable with her braided pigtails and cheery smile, and, as always, she’s carrying Little B.
I’ve loaded up my giant mom purse with the book I need for class, a water bottle, snacks, and the hockey glove.
I’m not sure when I should give up on fitting everything into a purse and swap it out for a duffel bag.
At least for today, I’m making the purse work.
I’m almost able to match Bella’s smile until I spot my car, and my heart sinks.
“Mom, look!” Bella’s index finger darts out, highlighting the very thing I’m staring at.
My back tire is flat.
It sometimes loses air from the cold, but this isn’t a low tire situation.
This is my rim resting against the cement, and I’m not going anywhere with my tire like this.
I don’t trust myself to put the spare on, so I’ll have to call a service guy to take care of it.
Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but of course, this is the one day I can’t be late dropping off Bella.
We need to be early to meet the bus for her field trip.
As if reading my mind, Bella voices her worry. “What about my field trip?”
“Uh, we’ll get there.” I scan the parking lot for any neighbors who might be out and able to give us a ride to the school. It’s not that far, but it’s not something I’d attempt to walk in this weather.
My heart sinks another level.
Nobody is around.
“You know,” I pull out my phone, “I’ll request an Uber. That’s what those things are for. Then while we get a ride to school, I’ll have someone change my tire.” I force an I’m-not-phased smile as a visible shiver runs through Bella’s arms, and I nod toward the building. “Let’s wait in the lobby.”
We scramble back inside, bustling through the door at the same time. Anxiety courses through me. With my forehead pressed against the glass, I leave one hand on the door handle, watching for our ride.
This is not how I wanted this day to go.
“Why don’t you call Dad to give us a ride?
” Her question hits me like a cold bucket of ice water dumped over my head.
Even my eyelids refuse to blink as if I’m frozen.
I never know what to say in these situations.
I’m trying hard not to discourage their relationship, but if there was ever a person who proved he wouldn’t be there for me in this life—it was Chase.
“I’m sure he’s at work already.” I grit my teeth as I really have no idea if he even shows up to his job site.
It seems to me that being a drywaller would be a flexible gig, but the last thing I ever want is to owe him any favors.
He’s the kind of guy who only helps when there is something to “transaction” with, and it always has to be in his favor.
Her lashes lower to her cheeks the way they do when she’s in trouble.
“Bella, if you’re worried about the field trip, don’t be. We’ll get there.”
She pulls Little B closer to the center of her chest, hugging her tightly. “Nah, I was actually thinking about Dad.”
“Oh.” I don’t want to ruminate on all the ways I had a baby with the wrong guy.
I know I made a mistake.
I’m not calling him to help me.
Not today.
Not any day.
But again, I try hard to support her relationship with him. “What about him?”
Her lashes rise, fluttering unsteadily as if she’s doing everything to hold back her emotions. I slide my hand around her shoulder and pull her close. “Baby, what’s on your mind? Did something happen when you were at Dad’s house?”
“It’s just . . . Don’t take this the wrong way, Mom, but…
” the pause she inserts in the middle of her sentence pings at my heart.
Somewhere in the last year when she turned seven, she warped into this weird age where she’s still seven, but going on thirty-five.
“Sometimes I need a hug from Dad. You know, when I can’t see him. ”
I fight hard to keep my brows steady and not frown. “That’s okay if you feel that way. He’s your dad.” My words are soft as if they are meant to float in the air all day. I’m about to add how proud I am of her, but she breaks the silence.
“But I don’t think he ever needs a hug from me.” Her eyes, clear as crystals, latch onto mine, as if waiting for some words of wisdom.
My heart putters hard against my rib cage, and I run my tongue over my lips as I grapple to find the right words to say.
I know exactly how she feels.
It’s the same way I felt when we were in a relationship. I never in a million years wanted my daughter to feel that way too.
She isn’t talking only about hugs, either.
It’s so much more than that.
It’s how Chase only ever thinks of himself.
“Well,” my voice cracks, but I push through.
“You know how he is. He’s not much of—” I drop my sentence as the sound of car tires driving over compact snow pulls my attention.
“That must be our ride,” I mumble, straightening my overstuffed mom bag over my shoulder.
Bella steps forward, places one hand on the door handle, and we push it open. I’m not done with our conversation. I hate that my words don’t come as fast as I want them to. I drop my hand to her shoulder. “Honey, you know I always have a hug for you, don’t you?”
Her head turns up, and she latches her eyes on mine as we stride toward the car.
“Sure, Mom. I know.” She reaches the car first, opens the back door, and slides in.
She scoots all the way over, removes her backpack, and sets it in the middle seat.
When I slide in, I plop my purse next to the backpack and shut my door as quickly as possible.
“Good morning,” I greet the driver, an elderly man who looks like he’s almost too old to drive.
“We need a ride to Mapleton Elementary today.” I’m about to add a second stop at the college but decide I can easily walk to the campus from her school.
It’s only a few blocks, and I can save a couple of bucks.
“Is that the school downtown by the bookstore?” His voice is soothing, and I relax in my seat. My heart rate finally begins to slow. It’s been a grueling morning, and it’s not even eight yet.
“Nah.” I shake my head, picturing downtown. “That’s the private school. We need to go to the public school. It’s on Applecart Avenue.”
“Applecart,” he echoes, still not pulling forward. My gaze drops to check the time on the phone clenched in my hand. Not late yet. We’ll be cutting it close. It’s not hard to navigate Mapleton. It’s a small town with fewer than ten main roads. We need to leave now.
“Uh, yeah Applecart connects to Austin Street.” I pause, feeling my heart pound faster. “Are you new to town?”
“Not really new, but I don’t leave my apartment very much.”
“That explains it.” I lean forward and point through the opening between the front seats. “You can drive forward and turn left when you get to Green Avenue. That will take you to Austin. Then you take that to Applecart.”
“Does that go by the train station?” His lips purse out as he waits for my response.
“Uh, no, not at all,” I blurt out. “That’s in the other direction. Why don’t you start driving, and I’ll let you know when to turn.” When he still doesn’t move, I add, “Please.”
He finally shifts the car into drive and pulls forward at the slowest possible speed.
I narrate the entire drive to make sure he doesn’t take a wrong turn.
When we reach the block before the school, I arch my chin and project my voice even louder, “Can you pull into the bus loop. We’re supposed to meet up with the class there. ”
“Do you mean that bus?” His knobby finger trembles as he points over the steering wheel at a yellow school bus number nine crossing in front of the intersection where we are stopped.
My brows spring up, and my gaze slams toward Bella before trailing back to the taillights headed out toward the main highway. “Is that your bus?”
“Number nine!” Her voice rises in pitch, and her cheeks flush pink. “That’s my class!”
“We can catch it!” I grab her hand, yanking her toward my door as I crack it open and drag her behind me. She clutches Little B to her chest as if it’s her job to protect her. I wave my free arm wildly above my head and wail at the top of my lungs, “Come back!”
“It’s no use, Mom,” Bella’s voice cracks under the weight of the tears she’s holding back, and it fuels my legs to run toward the bus. There’s a Stop sign up ahead. I’m not giving up. We will run as fast as we can and catch them while they’re stopped.
“Let’s run!” I continue to wave my hands and scream toward the bus. Bella and I race through the slushy snow-filled streets after the yellow streak ahead of us.
It’s not that far.
If only the bus driver would look behind her, she’d see us.
“Wait!” I scream again, my voice growing horse between the shrill volume and the icy air cutting at my throat.
The bus makes a left turn onto the highway ramp and speeds up, disappearing.
I slowly stop with one last splash in a slush puddle.
I stand still, staring forward because I can’t look at Bella.
She had been talking about this field trip for weeks.
How could I let her down like this?
“It’s okay, Mom.” She tugs at my hand, pulling me back before I even look at her. “We tried.”