Chapter 17 Kaci
seventeen
Kaci
Oh no! I should not have bothered her.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I whisper, taking yet another step backwards. “Go back to sleep.”
“I wasn’t sleeping.” She shuffles under her blanket and pushes to a half-seated position. “What did you want?”
“Nothing, baby,” I drop my volume even more. “I was just checking on you. Go back to sleep. School tomorrow.” Bella lies back down but doesn’t stay quiet.
“Are you sad about Jackson?”
“I’m not sad,” my rebuttal is instant and snappy. “Why would you think that?” I hold up a finger, tapping a spot in the air as if pointing to him, while adding, “I don’t even know him.
“I saw you kiss him.” Her random admission hits me with so much force that I gulp.
“You saw that?” My breath quickens, it hadn’t dawned on me that the kids have witnessed that.
The last thing I need is for her to end up confused—or worse yet, thinking there’s something going on between us.
“It didn’t mean anything,” I rush out. “You don’t need to worry about me and Jackson.
” My voice grows high-pitched, as if it’s the most absurd thing ever to say aloud.
She turns her head from me. Even in the darkened room, I can make out the serious lines on her face.
From the straight lips to angled-down brows, she’s worrying again.
“Baby.” I cross the room until I make it to her bedside.
“Sometimes things happen, and they aren’t what you plan on, or what you want.
” I lean over, brush the tips of my fingers through her hair, smoothing it out of her face.
I add, “Jackson kissed me, and it wasn’t anything I was expecting.
We talked about it, and we both know it was a total fluke.
It will never happen again. You don’t have to worry about it. ”
Instead of her lips tipping into a contented grin, her serious lines deepen. It’s quite evident she’s scowling. “Baby,” I swipe the last strand of hair from her cheek and tuck it behind her ear. “Please don’t be upset. It wasn’t anything I planned on, and it doesn’t change anything.”
“Why not?” She sits up and most of the hair I had neatly tucked behind her spills over her shoulder again.
“What do you mean? Why not?” Bella is rarely confrontational about anything.
She’s the most obedient and agreeable child who ever existed.
Where is this fear coming from? A wave of guilt floods my gut for missing her concern.
All I want to do is assure her that nothing’s changed, and she has nothing to worry about.
I try again. “Because I won’t let it change anything. ”
“Don’t you see?” There’s a warning branded into her tone. “When you look at Jackson, you actually smile. That kiss made you happy.” The next words trickle out as a plea. “Why would you push that away?”
Shock and a rush of astonishment, mixed with shots of adrenaline, fire through my veins. Bella has never said anything about this before—I had no idea she sensed my unhappiness. The last thing I need is another reason to feel mom guilt.
I pushed Jackson away because he couldn’t possibly be interested in me for anything more than just random flirting; I only attract losers.
When he figures out that he’s too good for me, he’ll leave.
There’s no Prince Charming waiting for me, but Bella is only seven.
She wants to believe in the fairy tale happily-ever-afters.
I hate to break her heart. How do I tell her that fairytales aren’t real?
Or that there is no way a guy like Jackson could end up wanting to date me seriously.
Bella’s eyes twinkle with hope-filled specs, but all it does is flood my stomach with more guilt.
“Well,” I begin, fully aware that she’s only seven.
I’ll never be the mom who parentifies her daughter.
Some things she doesn’t need to understand—at least not yet.
“I was smiling so much because I was watching you smile while you played with Rigsby.”
I pause, as that was exceptionally hard to force over the new lump in my throat. I’m not one to get choked up, as communication isn’t hard for me, but my body knows when I’m not being completely honest.
Maybe it’s a liar’s lump?
I’m not trying to deceive her, but she doesn’t need to sit here hopeful for something that isn’t going to happen.
Her lips turn down even more, taking my heart with it. “Last summer when we went to visit Grandma, she said you don’t think you deserve to be loved.”
“Why would Grandma say that?” I practically growl.
Sometimes my mom says the rudest things.
My defensiveness rises, and I blurt out, “Trust me, Bella. I want us to be happy. If I ever get a real chance at love, I’m not going to push it away, but that kiss—” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat.
“That kiss was just a kiss.” I place my hand on her arm and give it a playful squeeze.
“And you’re seven and should never worry about that.
Or me. It’s my job to do all the worrying.
You just be seven.” To end the conversation on a high note, I pat her pillow. “Time to rest.”
She’s slow to lower herself back down, but her sleepiness is evident by how quickly she closes her eyes.
I lean over, sweeping her hair out of her face one more time and press a kiss to her forehead.
I pause for a beat, notice how her breathing has already begun to deepen.
Then, on the tips of my toes, I quickly slip out, holding my breath until the door clicks softly shut behind me.
A sigh of relief slips from my lips as my gaze finds the clock on the microwave.
Almost nine. I could totally go to bed early, and crash out, but I need to finish reading for class.
On my way to the kitchen, I grab my books from the entryway, and plop down at the table.
Thanks to my unpaid electric bill marking the page, my book opens right up to where I left off.
Setting the bill aside, I make a mental note to pay it on Friday.
I scan the last section to remember what this chapter is even about, but my memory isn’t jogged, so I move back to another section.
Tap. Tap.
It’s awfully late to have someone drop by. My first instinct is to grab my phone and check for a text. Nothing. I don’t want the knocking to wake Bella, and I quickly move to the door and look through the peep hole.
My heart cinches tight in my chest, and my breathing becomes unstable.
Cracking the door open, I peek through the gap.
“Hey.” Jackson shifts from one foot to the other and slides his gaze down to Rigsby, who beams back at me.
“I’m fresh out of lucky gloves,” I manage to say with a straight face.
His jaw drops in an exaggerated shock, clearly caught off guard by my quick wit. His expression shifts to one that’s more stoic and he draws my attention to a sack he’s holding. “I ah, brought Bella something.”
“You did?” I stare at it suspiciously, as if poisonous gas is wafting from the sack.
What is happening?
Why is he even here?
And bringing gifts.
I was able to resist his charm once.
That was hard enough.
He can’t just show up unannounced and flash that flirty smirk. “It will only take a second.” He respectfully drops his voice in volume. “Can we come in just for a minute?”
I toss a look behind me. To my surprise, Bella’s door is not closed. Her tiny button nose is pressed in the crack. “Why not?” Giving up, I fling the door open, and I raise my volume to an exaggerated level to make sure Bella can hear me. “You can stay for as long as it takes us to have one drink.”
Bella’s door flies open, strolling right up to Jackson without a hint of shyness. “Just the girl I wanted to see,” Jackson says, bending to eye level and tips the top of the sack toward her. “Reach in here and grab your present.”
Her eyes flutter with excitement, and a giggle escapes as she reaches into the sack. The moment her fingers make contact, her eyebrows rocket to the ceiling, and she lets out a delighted squeal. When she pulls her hand back, she has Little B.
My head snaps back as my gaze narrows in disbelief. I picture Jackson going to the cemetery, but I quickly reject the notion. “You did not.”
“It wasn’t so bad, right?” Jackson elbows Rigsby. The way he pinches his lips back, and Rigsby fills in the silence with nervous chuckles, makes me shake my head.
“I can’t believe it.” I’m surprised how even my tone is, since I suddenly feel breathless.
“Can we go play, Mom?” Bella tightly squeezes Little B to her chest. “I need to introduce Little B to her sister.” I force myself to ignore how many germs the bear must have collected after spending a night outside.
I’ll wash her in the morning. Now is the time for a joyful reunion.
Holding up both of my hands, I flash ten digits. “Ten minutes.”
She waves Rigsby forward, and they scurry off. I take a second to stare after them before returning my gaze to Jackson. With my heart hammering in my chest, I utter. “Come in.”
My legs teeter as I shut the door behind him and cross to the small kitchen to the coffee pot.
He takes a seat at the table and watches me.
There’s cold coffee resting in the bottom of the pot, and I take what’s left, divide it into two cups, and place the mugs in the microwave.
“It’s not coffee shop quality,” I joke when I place one in front of him on the table.
“It’s perfect.” He picks up his mug and motions to the seat across from him. “You need to sit. I didn’t come over here for you to wait on me.”