Chapter 16
Geraldine saw to Eva while Noah got ready for Paul’s visit. He wanted this to go well; he wasn’t sure why he felt the need to impress, but he did. He wanted Paul to know that he was taking care of Eva – he might not be much good at it, but he’d kept his niece safe thus far. He wondered how Paul was feeling – nervous about meeting his daughter after all this time? Scared about coming face to face with Noah because of what he’d done to Cassie by walking out on her?
Noah opened up the packet of biscuits and put some on a plate as per Geraldine’s suggestion when he was to host a guest. He’d never done this before. Usually, it was a few beers, perhaps wine, takeaway if ever he had guests back at his apartment in London.
‘Tell me I’m doing the right thing, Geraldine.’
A kind smile formed. ‘Only you can know that, Noah.’ She had Eva in her arms, letting the little girl tug at her hair with fingers Noah was pretty sure were still sticky from her breakfast. ‘Now let me get this one cleaned up so she can meet Paul.’
‘Her dad,’ said Noah, stopping her from walking away. ‘And a much better one than I am.’
A weird look came over Geraldine’s face, perhaps because she wasn’t sure whether this was up for debate.
‘I’m a terrible dad,’ he went on, almost wanting her to agree so he’d know getting Paul to come here for Eva was what he should be doing.
‘Noah, do you think I was born able to be a mother?’
‘Er… yes. You’re a natural.’
At that, she laughed. ‘I’m nothing of the sort! With my first son, I gave him a bath at the hospital in one of those funny sinks with the slanted angle fit for purpose. He slipped off my arm and under the water. I felt terrible. He was this loud bundle of limbs, unpredictable, I had no idea what to do with him. I was a bit better with baby number two and by the time I had my fourth, I’d say that yes, I was a natural. It just took years of practice.’
She whisked Eva away to clean her up a bit.
Noah was nervous, which didn’t happen very often. He’d been nervous before exams, nervous when he started his new job, but this was a whole different kind of nervous, accompanied by nausea in the pit of his stomach and clammy skin. He put it down to this being way bigger than any piece of paper he could put to his name or settling in with a new crowd.
He stared at his reflection in the mirror in the bathroom, at the lines on his face he forgot he had now he was in his mid-forties. Cassie hadn’t been lucky enough to reach the forty milestone. She’d forever be thirty-nine, the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, beautiful girl full of smiles and laughter in the photograph he had pinned to his fridge and in the picture frame in Eva’s bedroom.
When he emerged from the bathroom, Geraldine had changed Eva into a beautiful little polka-dot top with pale-green velvety trousers with flowers emblazoned on the pockets. He wondered if she shuffled around the floor long enough on her bottom whether the design would wear off.
Eva held her arms out for him when she spotted Noah and his breath caught in his throat. It was the first time that had happened.
Geraldine’s voice was laced with emotion when she told him, ‘She knows you.’
Eva settled in his arms, her body rested against his chest. He felt her little breaths against his chin, inhaled the scent of baby shampoo from hair that tickled the side of his face.
When he looked down, she was smiling up at him. She’d been doing that more lately when she wasn’t grizzling about something and it would be easy not to notice it or think about it, especially when he was busy. But he was making an effort. Geraldine had told him the other day to appreciate the little things about Eva, not focus on the tiredness and the stress of it all, even if he wasn’t going to be her father long term. And right now, as Eva reached up and ran her hand along his stubbly chin, giggling at the feel of it, he realised exactly what she meant.
Geraldine had been watching them without him even realising. She hovered. ‘I don’t want to interfere, Noah, you know that.’
‘I also know that statements such as that one are usually accompanied by a but.’
‘What I want to say is that you’re doing all right, with Eva. It might not feel like it, but you are. You’re learning, both of you.’
Noah suspected she would’ve said more but there was a knock at the door that sent his heart racing. Eva turned her head to the sound, and Geraldine said something about gathering up her things.
Noah answered the door, the plunging sensation in his guts increasing ten-fold as he came face to face with the man who’d abandoned his sister and her little girl.
Paul wasn’t what Noah had expected. He’d pictured a rough and ready man, scruffily dressed, but here he was in a suit and tie, as though this might be the most important meeting of his life. Perhaps to him it was. And maybe that was a good sign?
‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Geraldine pulled her bag onto her shoulder, a wary look in her eye. She smiled at Eva and planted a kiss on her forehead. ‘Look forward to seeing you, little miss.’ And then to Noah, ‘Let me know if you need anything.’
‘Thanks, appreciate it.’ He closed the front door behind her and went into the lounge where Paul had already sat down.
‘Can I get you a tea or coffee?’ Noah offered. Eva’s little arms were around his neck in a way that was comforting but made this so much harder. It was as if she was clinging onto him for safety and right now, it felt as though his heart would rip in two.
‘I’ll take a coffee.’ Paul seemed shifty rather than nervous, or perhaps that was because Noah didn’t know him well enough to tell the difference. ‘Black, no sugar.’
Noah had expected him to ask to hold Eva, but he didn’t. Was he wary of being too pushy given he walked out on Cassie and their daughter?
Cassie had never said much about the situation with Eva’s father to Noah. She’d been upset at first, going it alone, but it was as though then she closed the doors around her little world of her and Eva and that was all that remained important to her. Noah had never pushed her for answers either because she blossomed as a single parent. Even on the days she said she was exhausted, she never stopped trying, never stopped smiling and taking in every little moment with Eva.
Noah delivered the cup of coffee to Paul. He’d made it one-handed, Eva well out of the way on his left hip, and carried the cup of hot liquid in his right hand, far away from her enough that if it spilt, it would only scald him.
‘Help yourself.’ Noah indicated the plate of colourful biscuits on the coffee table and sat on the sofa opposite the chair Paul had occupied.
‘That your mum?’ Paul asked.
‘Excuse me?’
‘The woman, earlier.’
The jerk must know that their mother had passed away. It wasn’t something you forgot easily. Through gritted teeth, he said, ‘That was the nanny. For Eva.’ He added Eva’s name because Paul hadn’t reached for her or even indicated he wanted to yet.
But Noah shouldn’t have wished for it because when Paul finished gobbling down a second biscuit, he stood and held out his arms. ‘May I?’
‘Sure.’ He had to do it but transferring the little girl to Paul’s arms went against all his natural instincts. It was harder than he’d ever imagined. What would it be like if this man took Eva for good?
Paul clearly had less experience with babies than Noah did. He was holding her but not engaging, he was tense, he was looking at her without much expression on his face at all. And Eva being Eva wasn’t going to stand for that. She started to grizzle, moved about in his arms like she wanted to jump out of them.
‘Maybe try sitting down with her,’ Noah suggested. ‘I’ll get her a teething ring; she’s having a tough time of it so that might help.’ Really all he wanted to do right now was take her back and tell her that he was there, everything was going to be okay.
He went into the kitchen and pulled the ring out of the fridge and for a moment, he stood with it in his hand, looking at it, this thing that got in the way of his leftovers, one of the rings he’d knocked onto the floor countless times. And yet it would feel wrong to not have it here now.
Oh, Cassie, why did you have to go anywhere? You were born to be a mother. I’m not sure I’m doing anything right any more.
He pulled himself together, went back into the lounge and handed Eva the ring. She looked on the cusp of losing it and that was the last thing they needed right now. At least Paul had sat down and Eva shoved the ring in her mouth, her breath calming at the distraction from this stranger who’d picked her up.
‘Did you have to come far?’ Noah realised he hadn’t even asked the guy where he was living. He could be in a squat for all Noah knew and he needed to be sure what future he was going to give Eva. It was all his responsibility now. And he wouldn’t lie, it was overwhelming.
‘Not really, I was already in Dorset.’ He wasn’t watching Eva. Every now and then, she looked at him, frowned and gnawed on her ring that little bit harder.
‘So you live nearby?’
‘Kind of.’
The guy was hard work. Noah pushed on. ‘Are you still working offshore?’
His head snapped up. ‘Not today.’
‘But usually?’ Noah had never been one to be thrown by a person’s obvious deflection in a conversation and when it came to Eva’s wellbeing, her safety, her future, he wasn’t about to be steered away from the important facts. ‘Aren’t you some kind of mechanic?’
‘Usually, yes.’ He still didn’t really look at Eva. Perhaps she reminded him too much of Cassie. ‘Sorry, this is all a lot to take in.’ His top lip was sweating; suddenly, he looked more uneasy.
Noah softened, but not too much. ‘I’m sure it’s all been a big shock for you.’
‘Yes… I mean, I never knew about Cassie…’
‘I had no way of contacting you.’ And to be honest, an absent father hadn’t been on his list of priorities when it came to saying goodbye to his sister either.
Eva had stopped fussing but when she dropped her teething ring and Paul made no move to pick it up, it was Noah who grabbed it, rinsed it off in the kitchen and brought it back to her. By which time she was getting fractious again.
‘I’m sorry, I’m new to fatherhood,’ Paul apologised.
For once, Noah felt like the professional parent in comparison.
‘So you’re still working?’ Noah asked.
‘Yup.’
It was painful trying to get information out of this guy. He’d seen the green sports car out front and his first thought – other than that it must have cost a packet, so the man was obviously doing all right for himself – was that it was totally impractical for a baby seat. Was there even any room in the back where Eva would need to go?
Noah smiled back at Eva when she grinned at him, waving her teething ring in the air. ‘When do you go back offshore?’ he asked Paul, suspecting Eva’s teeth weren’t hurting at all but rather she was protesting at this man who had no clue about anyone her age.
‘Dunno yet.’
‘Tell me a bit about yourself and your family.’ A bit of background would be good given he’d never heard much about the guy from Cassie. It might even put his mind at rest.
‘Not much to say, really.’ He handed Eva over as though she was a ball in a game and it was Noah’s turn. And then he asked, ‘How come Cassie gave her to you?’
‘It was what my sister wanted.’
‘So, the father has no rights?’
Now Noah found it hard to keep his cool. ‘Hard to give him any when he buggered off.’
Paul looked about to argue back but reconsidered. ‘I apologise. I’ve made some mistakes along the way.’
Noah took a moment to digest it. ‘And Eva… was she a mistake?’ With this little being in his arms, he felt protective.
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘Good.’ Noah paced across the room with Eva, more for himself than her. ‘Didn’t you feel guilty?’
Mouth full of digestive, Paul pulled a peculiar face, presumably to get the biscuit remnants out from his gums. ‘About leaving the baby?’
‘And Cassie.’
‘Like I said, I had things going on. Life. I didn’t plan to be a dad.’
‘But you’re stepping up now?’ It was a question rather than a statement.
He brushed crumbs from his shirt, showing no regard that they were going all over the furniture. ‘I’d like to get to know my daughter.’
‘You’re welcome to come back again tomorrow perhaps, see her again, maybe in the morning when she’s less tired? I should put her down for a nap soon.’ He had no intention of doing that. All he wanted was to watch her play in the corner on the mat with the sensory pads, the little mirror, watch her bum shuffle her way over to the coffee table and grizzle when she couldn’t get under or over it. He’d lost count of how many times he’d had to rescue her from that situation. He found it frustrating usually but right now, he wanted to see it happen so he could help her and embrace her world of discovery.
‘Can’t do tomorrow, but the day after is fine by me.’
‘Day after then, mid-morning suits us. She won’t be napping then and I won’t be at work.’
Paul took a couple more biscuits from the plate. ‘Didn’t have lunch today,’ he said, as if that excused the apparent greed.
If he was more pleasant, if the bond between father and daughter was obvious, Noah would’ve offered to make him a sandwich, or another coffee. But right now, he couldn’t wait to get this guy out of his house.
‘I’ll be back on Wednesday.’ Two days away.
Paul had the biscuits in one hand, his keys in the other. ‘And Noah, this shouldn’t come as a surprise, but I’ll be going after custody of Eva.’
He left, out of the front door Noah held open for him without a single word and pushed closed with more of a bang than he’d intended.
He stood in the hallway, Eva in his arms, shellshocked. A week ago, he would’ve been thrilled to have a way out of being landed with a baby all of a sudden, elated he’d found Eva’s dad. But now, the thought of this man being the one to raise Eva filled him with dread.
What the hell had he done?