Chapter 25
Maya wasn’t used to men showing their vulnerability, never mind their emotions. Isaac did, but he was her child. Her dad rarely did, Conrad certainly hadn’t and watching Noah now felt discombobulating, as though she was an intruder and she should be walking away out of respect.
And yet she couldn’t. And it appeared he didn’t want her to either.
She’d shown up here at Noah’s place tonight for her own benefit but the moment he’d opened the door, she’d known something was wrong. She never could’ve predicted quite how much turmoil he was in until they came out here to the back porch and he told her everything.
‘Cassie never told me any of it,’ he said. ‘I don’t understand why she wouldn’t confide in me.’
‘I do.’ She thought how best to word this. ‘I’m really close to my sister but I didn’t tell her what was going on with Conrad for some time. I didn’t want her to shoulder my burden.’
A barely-there dimple appeared in one cheek as he smiled across at her ever so slightly. ‘I suspect it was less about Cassie thinking she’d burden me, and more that she knew I’d go after the guy and have a word in his ear if I knew too much about him.’
‘He didn’t hit her, did he?’ She braced herself for the acknowledgement but thankfully it never came.
‘No, nothing like that. If he had…’
‘I bet she looked out for you too.’
‘She did.’ He disappeared into his memories. ‘She made me talk when I really didn’t want to, more than once. She was all about sharing feelings. It used to do my head in a bit. But I admit sometimes talking helped.’
He turned to face the river again. ‘Justine said that Cassie never trusted Paul. Even at the start, she thought he might be hiding something. He worked offshore on the rigs a lot so they saw one another sporadically and it sounds as though Cassie struggled to get a handle on the sort of man Paul was. Then she’d hear things from bar staff at the pub they went to, murmurs from a couple of her friends that they were sure they’d seen him out and about when he was supposed to be away. When he was offshore, he wouldn’t call my sister often, said he couldn’t because lack of mobile coverage or some such bullshit. And when she’d ask him where he was, he’d give her a country; it was up to her whether to believe him, she knew that.’
‘And she didn’t?’
‘According to Justine, sometimes she did. Other times not so much. She wanted to end things – he started gambling, putting bets on for this, that and the other. Even with what little she saw of him, he was a different man to the one she’d met and begun dating. There was no trust there at all. Justine said that when Cassie found out she was pregnant, my sister toyed with the idea of not telling Paul about the baby but Cassie wasn’t a liar. She told him. Justine said he seemed over the moon, showered Cassie with attention, and my sister, always one to give people a second chance, began to think perhaps she’d misjudged him.
‘She didn’t tell me any of this. I thought she was with a guy she liked, so when she announced she was pregnant, I was happy for her. I saw the way her face lit up when she said it; I knew how much she wanted a baby. Sometimes I wondered whether she’d got pregnant on purpose, but I mean, what did it matter? She was happy. Paul was still working offshore – said he’d do more hours to make more money ready for when the baby arrived. She barely saw him until he came home right before Eva was born.’
Maya waited patiently every time Noah’s voice caught. This had to be hard. She could tell how much he missed his sister, this latest development doing nothing to help him through his grief.
‘Justine told me that Paul showed up at the hospital but he was disinterested in Eva. Justine could barely tolerate being in his orbit. He made her uncomfortable, the way he looked at her as though he might well set his sights on her next. When Eva was a week old, Paul and Cassie registered the birth. Then Paul buggered off.’
‘Offshore?’
‘Justine says Cassie assumed so but really she had no idea where he’d gone. He didn’t use the work excuse this time, but he was certainly uncontactable. He didn’t answer his phone, he never called her. That was it. He just left. It was then Cassie realised he’d taken her iPad along with all the cash from her money saving jar, which she rarely checked. It likely wasn’t much but that wasn’t the point. Justine also said she was at Cassie’s house one day when a guy showed up looking for Paul. By the looks and sounds of things, it was obvious he was high and looking for his supplier and they deduced it was likely Paul going by what the man said.’
Noah’s jaw tensed. ‘And now I’ve brought Paul back into Eva’s life. I’ll never forgive myself for that.’
‘You weren’t to know. You were trying to do the right thing by responding to his letter.’
‘I realise now that Paul is exactly the man I thought he was when he first turned up at my house – not to be trusted, a liar, a man out for himself and himself only.’
She couldn’t imagine what it must be like for him and she didn’t miss the tension when Eva’s snuffly noises turned into bigger ones that couldn’t be ignored.
‘How about I go?’ Maya suggested. ‘You sit here, I won’t be long, I hope.’
The little girl was surprisingly calm at seeing a stranger and she stopped crying the moment Maya held her in her arms.
Holding her reminded Maya so much of Isaac. She’d longed to have another baby, maybe even two more, but she’d known early on that Conrad wasn’t the man she’d thought he was when she got married and bringing another child or children into that wasn’t what she wanted. It wouldn’t have been fair on them.
After a few minutes, she settled Eva back down in the cot. ‘I think your mummy and I might have had something in common when it came to choosing men. We went for the wrong ones.’ She stroked her head. ‘They’re not all like that, though. Noah isn’t, he’s kind and wonderful and you’re lucky to have him in your life.’
She quietly pulled the side of the cot back up, knowing this could go one of two ways. Either Eva would fall to sleep again after some comfort or she’d scream bloody murder when Maya left the room.
She tiptoed along the corridor and out onto the back porch. Thankfully, Eva had gone for the former. So far, at least.
Noah had got two beers from the fridge. She hoped he hadn’t heard what she said to Eva. ‘Onto the hard stuff, eh?’
‘I’ve not opened yours, wasn’t sure whether you’d want it.’
‘I couldn’t possibly let you drink alone.’ She thanked him when he removed the top and handed her the bottle. If he’d heard her, he wasn’t letting on.
‘You know what you could use,’ she said as they sat there, the darkness surrounding them now. ‘A porch swing, rather than a bench.’
‘A swing?’ She didn’t look at him but she’d come to know when he considered something carefully, he adopted a frown that creased his forehead in a way that suggested he was a man who thought deeply about things that mattered. ‘That might work.’
‘Could be good for Eva when she won’t settle. And for you to kick back after a hard day.’
‘You sound as though you have porch swing experience.’
‘Hardly, my house isn’t big enough for a porch, let along something swinging on it, but I’ve seen it in the movies and always wanted one.’
He nodded but after a beat, his frown was back. ‘What am I supposed to do, Maya?’
‘The man is a turd.’
‘Definitely a turd,’ Noah chuckled. ‘I mean, who does that, walks away from a baby and doesn’t look back? And when they do, they want paying to stay away or they’ll go for custody. It’s all wrong and disturbing on so many levels.’
‘How did Cassie pick up the pieces when he left her and Eva?’
His beer sloshed in the bottle when he brought it down from his lips. ‘She had me and Justine; we were both there for her. Cassie cried a lot in the weeks after the birth. She never explained why and I never pushed her, I assumed a lot was down to baby blues. But she did confide in Justine and I was happy with that. Justine got her to the doctor a couple of times. And then, a few weeks after it seemed that she was going to be messed up forever, it was like a little ray of sunshine came out. She became the Cassie I’d always known, the one who took charge of her own life and who got things done. She became a single parent and somehow managed to blossom doing it.
‘The stronger Cassie got, the more she started to see her situation differently. Justine told me that rather than worrying about the lack of paternal support, Cassie started to feel relief that Paul wasn’t around. She no longer had to worry about the sort of father Paul would be because he was out of their lives. She loved Eva with her whole heart. She swore Justine to secrecy, said she didn’t need me hunting Paul down – which I would’ve done, for the record – and so life continued until…’ His voice broke off and emotion caught in the back of his throat.
Maya couldn’t imagine the devastation at losing a sibling. If it were Julie, she knew she’d fall apart at the seams.
‘What’s your next step?’ She was distracted by the warmth of his citrusy aftershave or shower gel carried on the night breeze. ‘I know you said you’ve got no idea what to do, but you might have to start thinking of a plan. Have you thought about contacting a lawyer?’
‘I haven’t got the kind of money a lawyer will charge if this fight is a long one. Bringing up a kid doesn’t come cheap. And then there’s Paul’s threat that he could very well turn around and say I asked for money to take Eva. Nothing was written down between us; it’s my word against his.’ He put his face in his hands. ‘I could lose contact with Eva for good and I couldn’t bear it if that happened.’
She waited for him to gather himself. He might show hurt and vulnerability, but Noah was strong too and she imagined he wouldn’t want her to see him completely undone.
‘I can’t let that man have Eva, Maya. I can’t. I love her. My sister was glad he was out of their lives, so how can I let him back in?’
‘He will have rights as the biological father.’
‘I know and I can’t stand that that part is out of my control. Legally, he has rights but knowing what he was like, how Cassie felt, and that he was prepared to take money to stay out of Eva’s life, how can I stand back and let it happen?’
‘When is he coming back?’
‘I don’t know; he shows up when he feels like it.’ He ran his fingers around the mouth of his bottle, deep in thought.
‘You should get some sleep. We’re on early shift tomorrow.’
‘You’re right, I should.’ He followed after her as she led the way back through the house. ‘Thanks for working your magic with Eva.’
‘It was my pleasure.’ She stopped at the door. The last time they got this close was in the helicopter the other day when she’d helped move the patient from the scoop onto the litter inside and she’d fallen against his hard chest. He’d caught her arms and helped her upright and she’d turned away before he’d seen the effect he’d had on her. ‘I should go.’
‘Work is a good distraction for me these days, you know,’ he admitted.
‘Yeah?’ The tension between them crackled and she wanted nothing more than to stay a while longer.
‘It takes my head to a whole different place.’
‘It always did that for me too.’
When he leaned past to take the chain off the door, he was so close, she only had to turn her head slightly and she’d be able to kiss him. But it wasn’t the right time. Not now, not when both of them had so much going on. Would it ever be?
Before she left, Maya reached for his hand and held it briefly. ‘You’re more than a stand-in with Eva, you know, Noah. So much more.’ And when she saw him distracted, his gaze perusing the street, left, right, then back again now they were on the front step, she asked, ‘Do you think he’ll come back tonight?’
‘I hope not.’
She wanted to tell him that everything would be better in the morning.
But she knew it wouldn’t be.