Chapter 29
As the crew arrived for the start of their late shift the following day, even Bess noticed that Noah wasn’t his usual self around Maya.
‘Mate, what did you do?’ Bess whispered in her ear as they left the locker room. ‘I’m intrigued.’
‘Well, as far as I know, nothing.’ And it rankled her. She’d thought they were friends at least, perhaps something more, but it was as though he’d withdrawn from any temptation. She tried to tell herself it was because he had so much on his mind but she was done being a sucker when it came to men and their neurosis. Was that unfair? Maybe, but she’d been burned before, she wasn’t about to let it happen again.
Maya did a ground run for the helicopter. She started the engines and the rotors and all the systems on board and tested everything thoroughly. In the meantime, Bess and Noah were ensuring the medical equipment and drugs were as they should be.
After the crew briefing, during which Noah still wouldn’t look her in the eye, Maya went to find Frank to tee up the date the helicopter would have its full service and maintenance inspection by the company he worked for. Frank did a lot of it – Hilda was subject to maintenance and checks after a certain number of flying hours or calendar days but every few months, she got the full works from the team.
But Maya didn’t find Frank in the kitchen where she’d expected him to be talking with Nadia as before. Instead, he was in the hangar talking to a tall man with grey hair. And as she got closer, she realised who the man was.
‘Here she is…’ Frank nodded in her direction. ‘I’ll leave you to it.’
‘Dad, what are you doing here?’ She hooked the clipboard with her checklist back in its rightful place, having done all the checks on Hilda that she needed to do.
‘I know you’re busy…’
‘I’m at work, so yes, that’s generally how it goes.’ She suddenly thought why he might have turned up. ‘Is Julie okay?’
‘Julie’s fine.’ He shifted awkwardly. Dressed in a suit and likely having come from a meeting in the office near Bridport, he looked out of place here where they all wore heavy-duty uniforms, not a tie in sight.
‘Then what can I do for you?’
He hesitated. ‘I hate that we’re like this. We struggle to even have a civil conversation.’
‘Dad—’
‘I know, I know…’ He held up the hand that wasn’t in his pocket. ‘Now’s not the time to get into it.’
Bess came into the hangar and spotted Nigel and gave him a chirpy hello, but didn’t hang around. She knew the score.
‘Dad, if you need me for something, you’re going to have to spit it out before we get a call.’
‘You busy today?’
With a sigh, she explained, ‘Always.’
And when the phone rang yet again, there was no hanging about. Time to get to the next job.
‘Dad, I have to go.’ She didn’t have time to wait for an answer but she was aware of him standing back in the hangar with Frank while she and the rest of the crew got their helmets and she went to start up the helicopter. She didn’t look back; she let her thoughts become quieter with every chop of the blades through the air.
The job was straightforward, at least medically. Maya landed Hilda on the beach, which had its challenges, including what the tide was doing and the onlookers who took ages to move out of the way. The patient was airlifted quickly to the nearest trauma centre and they were back at the airbase inside the hour.
She was still smiling, still buzzing, when they got back. At least she was until she took off her helmet to feel the breeze through her hair, headed back to the hangar and saw her dad still inside next to Frank, this time with a mug of tea.
‘Didn’t expect you to still be here.’ She set her helmet on the shelf.
Frank scarpered with a toolbox, claiming he had a few things to see to now he could get his hands on Hilda.
‘Hilda?’ Nigel looked shocked as though Frank was about to take said toolbox and deal with the woman in his life.
Maya grinned. ‘Hilda is the helicopter, named after one of our biggest supporters over the years.’
‘Well, that’s a relief.’
She looked at him once more before she led the way into the building and through reception. He obviously wanted to get something off his chest and she didn’t want the rest of the crew hearing it.
‘I’ll be outside,’ she told Nadia. They could sit on the low wall out front and with another five minutes left on shift, she’d easily hear the shrill ring of the phone as it echoed all around the base from various points if a job came in.
‘Could you hang around an extra twenty minutes or so?’ Nadia pulled a face by way of apology. ‘Vik is running late.’
‘Sure thing.’
Outside, her dad sat down next to her on the low wall. ‘Who’s Vik?’
‘He’s the pilot on the other team. He’s usually on time, as am I, but if either of us is running late, we cover the other one.’
When it seemed all they were here for was the fresh air and sunshine, she prompted, ‘What did you want to talk to me about, Dad?’
He leant his forearms along his thighs, hands clasped together. ‘I wanted to apologise for my behaviour when you came to me to ask for a favour the other day. For your friend. Noah, wasn’t it?’
‘That’s right, and I’m sure you’ve got your reasons.’
‘I have, but that doesn’t excuse me biting your head off. I seem to do a lot of that and don’t seem able to stop it.’
That was something they had in common, as though they’d fallen into a different kind of normal than they should have. It certainly wasn’t the same for Julie and Nigel.
‘There’s a reason I immediately saw it from the other guy’s perspective rather than Noah’s.’ Nigel cleared his throat. ‘I think I need to explain why.’
‘Did Julie put you up to this?’
He seemed genuinely surprised. ‘Julie? Your sister has no idea I’m here and no idea of what I’m about to tell you. I’ll have to explain it to her too, but I think I need you to hear it first.’
She had no idea what he was about to come out with and he took his time to find the words.
‘Things haven’t been right with us since your mother died,’ he began. ‘Or more importantly, since what happened after.’
‘What do you mean?’
He had his fingers interlaced, something he did when he was thinking, his thumbs rubbing against each other more and more with rising stress. It was his tell. She’d noticed it when she was a young girl, but these days they rarely had exchanges long enough or deep enough for her to spot it.
‘Your grandparents took you and Julie down to Cornwall after Anya died.’
‘I remember.’ And she remembered the rest too. ‘I loved it down there.’
‘Do you remember the day I picked you up?’
‘How could I forget?’
‘I was angry. Distraught, even. And the reason… the reason why is because your grandparents had issued me with a notice of intent to go for custody.’ He took in Maya’s shock, the way she looked at him, sharing this for the first time. ‘They’d had supporting documents drawn up; they were serious. In their eyes, I was unfit to be a parent on my own without Anya.’
Maya almost didn’t register Vik’s arrival and him waving over to indicate that her shift as pilot was over.
‘But you’re our dad,’ she said. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Neither did I. Oh, I knew they were hurting. I knew they could see what a state I was in. They were right to be concerned about that. They were even right to take you down to Cornwall at first and I was very happy for them to do so. Parenting is hard and I’d lost the love of my life. I tried to be there for you and your sister, but I couldn’t wade through the tide of emotion I faced, not without some help from the doctor.’ He loosened his tie.
‘Medication, you mean?’
‘Yes, medication. With your sister so young and you not old enough to be managing on your own without a parent, I couldn’t be sleeping all hours of the day in my grief, taking pills that knocked me sideways. I knew I had to get myself in order, so I let them take you to Cornwall. I thought I’d get myself together and then have you back with me and we’d try to work out how we were going to go on without your mum.’
‘And Granny and Gramps weren’t prepared to let you do that?’
He paused, thinking of the best way to reply to the girl who’d worshipped her grandparents. ‘I think your grandparents sent that letter because hanging onto you two girls was a way to save themselves from drowning in grief after losing their only daughter. They didn’t see that they were trying to take something from me; in many ways, they thought they were helping us all. They told me it’s what Anya would’ve wanted. All I saw was a legal battle I didn’t want or need and two young girls being dragged through it at their hands.’
Maya found it hard to believe her grandparents could ever do such a thing.
She also knew her dad wasn’t a liar.
‘Is that why I was never allowed to go and stay with them over the summer again?’
‘I panicked. I thought that if you went to them again, they’d find a way of keeping you there, that you’d never come back to me. Instead, you resented me for not letting you go. And then they died and you were so angry.’
Tears welled in her eyes. ‘I wasn’t angry, Dad. I was heartbroken.’
He couldn’t look at her. He knew her attachment to her grandparents, what it had done to her to not have them in her life the way they’d been before.
‘I know you blamed me for your heartbreak, your pain. And you were right to.’ His voice came out smaller than ever before. ‘I should’ve handled it better.’
‘No…’ Her voice caught. ‘I shouldn’t have blamed you, not so harshly, at least.’ It had taken her a long time to say it, even though she’d known deep down that she was taking it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Somehow it had been easier to do that, to have somebody to be angry at. ‘Granny and Gramps dying was never your fault. I think Granny died of a broken heart and when she went, I bet Gramps didn’t want to hang on any longer.’
‘I can understand that. Losing Anya was so painful, on some days I couldn’t bear it.’ He gulped. ‘But I should’ve let you spend more time with your grandparents and then perhaps you and I might have stood a chance at a better relationship.’
She sniffed, fished in her pocket for a tissue but found nothing. Instead, she saw her dad pull out a packet of tissues from his jacket pocket and pass it to her.
‘Thanks.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘Was their intent to fight for custody the reason why they were allowed to visit us but not the other way round?’
He nodded. ‘They dropped the custody idea but the trust was lost by then. I was always happy to have them spend time with you but after being scared they’d take you both away, I was always looking over my shoulder. And they never apologised. I thought they owed me that.’
‘I think they did too.’
The look he gave her suggested his appreciation.
‘You didn’t tell me any of this. Why, Dad? When things were always so strained between us, it would’ve helped me to understand.’
‘I never wanted you to hold it against them and when they died and you were so devastated, I couldn’t do it to you.’ He swallowed hard. She knew that sign too. It meant he was nervous; he wanted this to go well. ‘When they visited, I’d hear them talking to you about the house in Cornwall; they’d talk about your bedroom there, they’d say things about the town and you loved it all. You used to ask about the new ice-cream place that had opened up; I heard you say you wanted to go there and I felt so selfish.’
‘Dad, I?—’
‘I don’t blame you for any of it. You were a little girl, you’d lost your mother; how could I begrudge any bit of happiness to come your way?’ His voice caught and it took him a couple of minutes before he continued.
‘I was terrified that one day, Maya, you’d pack a suitcase and want to go to them and yes, I could’ve stopped you as you were only young and I had custody, but…’ He laughed. ‘Firstly, when has anyone ever been able to stop you doing what you want?’
She smiled kindly. ‘That’s a very good point.’
‘Secondly, if I’d stopped you then you would’ve resented me even more. And so the only thing I knew to do was hang around when they were there, make sure they didn’t fill your head with promises. But I could see that you wanted them as much as they wanted you and… well, some days that almost broke me in two.’
Her eyes filled with tears; she hated that he’d felt that way, that she’d never known. ‘It wasn’t that I wanted them instead of you. But when I was in Cornwall at their house, I felt really close to Mum, as though she was there with me. Granny talked about her all the time – sometimes you didn’t, you’d change the subject or cut the conversation short – but Granny was forever telling stories of Mum in that house, the things she’d done as a little girl, what she got up to as a teenager. All of it made me feel like I hadn’t totally lost my mother, that a part of her was still around.’
Nigel pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘It was my way of coping, talking about her less and less so I didn’t have to remember that I’d once had it so perfect, that I hadn’t wanted for anything at all in life. I’m very sorry that I took that from you: the ability to keep her memory alive at the family home.’
Maya felt the sun on her back, the warmth and comfort of it. ‘We needed very different things when Mum died.’
The shrill ring of the airbase phone alerted the air ambulance crew on duty to a job, cutting into the fresh air and quiet that had settled between Maya and her dad.
‘I didn’t know how to reach you. I’m glad you and Julie stayed close, though; it meant you settled not too far away, it meant I might have a chance with you again someday.’
‘You and Julie have such a good relationship.’
‘It was easier with your sister because she was so much younger when we lost your mother. She didn’t have the same emotions as you because her memories weren’t there. And the more you pushed me away, the closer Julie and I became.’
‘I never resented your closeness, you know.’
‘Because you didn’t want it?’
She gulped. ‘I’m not saying this to hurt you. But no. I didn’t. Not then.’
He seemed to understand; he wasn’t surprised either.
‘I can’t believe Granny and Gramps did that to you,’ she said.
‘No, sometimes I can’t either. But they never really approved of me, at least not at first. They thought your mother could do… if not better, different, more suitable.’
She heard the helicopter behind the airbase start up, the blue team about to head out on a call. ‘They always spoke well of you, Dad. I never picked up on any disapproval from them when we were in Cornwall or when they came to our house.’
‘Anya and I would laugh about it, at the comments they made to her about me. By the time we started a family, I think they’d got used to the idea of us, or at least that’s what I thought until they tried to take my daughters.’
‘What sort of comments did they make?’
‘They were more hints than specifics, like talking about her high-school boyfriend and the surf school he’d opened up – the subtext there was that they wanted her to move back to the village and take surfing lessons and fall in love with someone far more suitable than a lawyer who wore suits every day. They’d talk about how she’d once wanted to be a baker and open up her own bakery and wasn’t it splendid that the old bakery near their house was still around for the locals. Then they said that the owners were approaching retirement and that the bakery would make someone a tidy little business one day.’ He said the last bit in a Cornish accent and sounded so much like her granny or at least someone from Cornwall that Maya began to laugh.
As the red and yellow helicopter rose into the air and passed overhead towards the west, her dad watched it go. ‘It’s hard to imagine you up there doing that.’
‘I love it.’
‘I know you do.’
As the helicopter disappeared into the distance, Maya thought more about her grandparents and the way they felt about Nigel. ‘Granny and Gramps only had one child, they lived their whole lives in Cornwall and for Mum to up and leave for anywhere else, it must’ve been difficult to see her go. It was a loss of sorts. I understand it. I feel it with Isaac.’
He swallowed. ‘And I felt it with you.’
‘When I moved out?’
‘And well before. After your grandparents died, you grew more and more distant and I felt the loss every day, every time you looked at me like I’d taken away your whole world.’
‘You told me once that you were disappointed in me.’
His gaze snapped up. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever said that.’
‘I remember. You were disappointed I didn’t want to try other careers.’
‘Oh, Maya, you were so capable, I wanted you to have choices. I was never, ever disappointed in you and the woman you were growing up to be. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way.’ He waited a beat. ‘You know, the way you looked at me never passed. All the hurt from losing your mother, your grandparents, our relationship, it was all still there until the night you left and continued ever since. And it became easier for me to be angry with you, rude even, than try to get you back when I didn’t think you’d ever want that.’
Maya’s bottom lip trembled. ‘The night I left home was horrible.’
‘I’ll never forget it either.’
‘We argued,’ she said. ‘The way I spoke to you was awful. I’m sorry.’
‘We both said things that night; it went round and round in my head for months afterwards, how I could’ve handled it differently.’
‘Me too.’
His voice faltered. ‘I could feel you slipping away long before that night. It had been happening ever since you lost your mother. I could never replace her and then you lost your grandparents and I couldn’t bring them back either. I so desperately wanted to have you in a job that kept your two feet on the ground, not up in the air where there’s danger, where there’s risk.’
He got up from the wall they were sitting on, faced away from her and walked a few paces away and she knew he was crying when he said, ‘I couldn’t lose you, not my Maya.’
‘Dad…’
‘The thought of something happening to you or to Julie kept me awake night after night. And it was worse when you began your training, when I knew you were up in the air. My worries escalated all the more when you got your first job. I wanted so desperately to tell you how proud I was that you’d followed your dreams, but my fears wouldn’t allow it. They consumed me. I couldn’t lose another one of my family.’
He turned to face her. ‘You want to know the crazy thing? I protected you from my worry of risk and death by not saying a word about it to you and what did you go and do? Not only did you become a pilot; you got a job with the air ambulance, where you see injuries, accidents, loss of life or close calls every single day.’
His turmoil turned to fondness. ‘You were obsessed with helicopters from such a young age. Do you remember how we painted the model helicopter and you got so annoyed that I wasn’t as careful with my paint as you were? You insisted you did most of it.’
She laughed. ‘I remember. And I still have that helicopter.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Of course. It brings back happy memories.’
‘Despite my painting skills or lack thereof,’ he smiled. ‘I should’ve known I was never going to be able to persuade you to do anything else with your life. Your darling mother was always about supporting your dreams and never taking them away. I could hear her voice in my head the whole time, “Our Maya,” she’d say, “our Maya with her dreams and passions, she’ll keep us on our toes.” Julie was little, we had no idea what her passions would be, but you were so set on the idea of becoming a pilot.’
He took a deep breath. ‘Another reason I didn’t tell you I feared the risk involved with becoming a pilot was because I didn’t want to reference dying. I thought my girls have lost their mother, their grandparents, I couldn’t make you fear stepping out of the front door in case something might happen. I couldn’t let my own fears become yours, no matter how much I wanted to sometimes.’
She let his revelations settle.
Eventually, with thoughts of her mother never far from her mind when she was in her father’s company, she said, ‘You and Mum were good parents and you had a great marriage.’
‘That we did,’ he smiled.
‘I always aspired to that someday, you know – shame I never had it with Conrad. I started talking to Julie about you as she got a little older. I’d tell her things about you both so she could build a picture in her mind of how our parents were.’
He looked across at her. ‘I’d hear you both sometimes. Some days, I enjoyed listening; other days, I’d close the door and detach myself because it was so painful to not have Anya around any longer. I wanted so much for her to see the beautiful young women you were turning out to be even from that really young age. I hated that she missed so much.’
‘Me too, Dad. Me too.’ She smiled. ‘I remember you’d come home from work and Mum would always rush to the door and give you an enormous hug and make you a nightcap if you’d come home really late. I can still remember the look on your face, every time you came home; you were where you were meant to be. You know, I think Julie will be like Mum as a mother.’
‘Your sister is much like Anya. Anya never wanted to work outside the home once she had her babies. She wanted to be at home with you both, do everything with you. She lost interest in having a career for herself and it worked for us. You, on the other hand, are more like me than I think you’d ever admit.’
‘In what way?’
‘Your passion, your drive, your determination. It served me well in my career and while we don’t do the same thing, I think it’s probably what helps you in yours.’
She told him about the job they’d been called out to the other day when she’d had to land on a roundabout, a risky landing but the only option to get close to the accident location. Her faith that it would work and her calm determination stopped the entire crew from freaking out; it led to a safe landing and take-off, getting the patient the prompt help they needed.
‘I’m in awe, Maya. My girl, flying a helicopter, landing on a roundabout with traffic everywhere.’ He shook his head as if to let the image settle into his psyche as a proud smile emerged.
Maya moved back to talking about her mother. She felt she needed to. ‘After Mum died, you never looked the same when you came home from work.’
Nigel’s mood shifted as well. ‘No, I don’t suppose I did.’
‘You looked frazzled whenever you came through the door, you didn’t smile as much, you didn’t even read stories to me the way you once had. You read but we didn’t do the funny voices; you were so strung out. And then I ended up reading for myself anyway so I lost that part of what we had.’
He looked at her. The gap between them was there, but now it was as though a delicate thread had formed, connecting them, like the tentative start of a spider’s web that had the potential to get stronger. At least that’s what she hoped.
‘I missed story time too, Maya. But after your mother died, there was an underlying exhaustion with me that took a long time to overcome. And there was the guilt.’
‘Guilt?’
‘I blamed myself for a long time that I didn’t insist your mum go to the doctor, that I’d missed the signs because I was too busy with my work.’
‘I blamed myself too.’
‘But you were a kid.’ He seemed shocked at her admission. ‘It was up to me.’
Maya remembered her mother, so strong, always putting the rest of them first. ‘She never would’ve stood for the sympathy, you know. Neither of us could’ve made her go and get checked even if we’d tried.’
‘I still blamed myself. It took a long time for me to see it was an accident, what happened.’
‘It was.’
‘It still hits me some days and I wonder whether my depression will return.’
‘Is that likely?’
‘I’ve no idea. I hope not. I think talking to you now might help.’
‘I never realised you felt that way, you know. I saw you as strong, unbreakable.’
‘I kept it well hidden.’
‘I wish you hadn’t.’
‘Me too now, believe me.’ He hesitated before he said, ‘You say you wanted a good marriage with Conrad and didn’t get it.’ Their conversation kept getting broken as other things crept in. There was so much to say to each other after all this time.
‘I don’t think talking about Conrad and me will achieve anything right now, Dad.’
‘It still worries me.’
‘We’re divorced.’
‘I know but you and he are very much still in each other’s lives.’ He waited a beat to give her a chance to deny it, but of course she couldn’t. ‘Do you want to get back together?’
‘Definitely not.’
‘Were you ever happy with him?’
She sighed. ‘For a while, yes. But it took me years to really know myself, to find my way.’ She spotted Noah leaving the airbase, head down, not looking her way.
‘Dad, can we carry on talking about Conrad another time? There’s a lot I have to say and I will, I promise. But right now, I need something else.’ To move forwards, they needed to carry this on, to talk more, to allow each other the time to explain and understand.
But first, she had to ask a favour. A big one. And she was going to have to break Noah’s confidence to do it.
She only hoped she and her dad were in a good enough place for her dad to hear her out properly.