Chapter Nine Sleeping with Him
He picked up his backpack and followed me to my room.
You’ve done it now, Porter. You’ve turned your key, and he’s turned his. There’s no going back.
He stopped in my bedroom doorway and looked around.
“I cleared out a couple drawers for you,” I said, pulling them open. “You can put your stuff in there so you’re not living out of your backpack. I’ll leave you to unpack. I’m gonna brush my teeth.”
“Sure.”
When I came out of the bathroom, he was sitting on the end of the bed with his toothbrush in his hand. “Same.” He got up and went to the bathroom.
I took off my socks and jeans so I was just wearing boxers and a T-shirt. If I’d known he was going to see me in them, I’d have worn my favorite boxers, not these boring khaki ones. But I didn’t want to risk taking them off now because I didn’t know when he was coming back.
And then, he did.
“Uh,” I said, real chill. “This is what I wear to bed, so...”
He pulled off his socks and took off his jeans but, thank god, nothing else. I guess he slept in his boxers and T-shirt too, or he was trying to make me more comfortable.
“Which side of the bed do you sleep on?” he said.
“All of it? Oh...the right side, mostly.”
“Then I’ll take the left.” He pulled back the blankets and climbed into bed, lying on his back.
I climbed into bed and turned off the bedside lamp.
He was inches away from me, and warm. The aquarium filter hummed, and the gold fairy lights over the headboard winked on and off.
I always had them on at night because I couldn’t sleep if it was pitch dark.
Some of my girlfriends had made fun of me for that.
I hoped he wouldn’t. I shifted, trying to get comfortable.
“Sorry,” I said. “I haven’t shared a bed since I had a girlfriend.”
“Same.”
I loved his voice, smooth and steady. It resonated inside me.
“I haven’t had a girlfriend for a year.” Did that make me sound like a loser?
“That’s a long time.”
“Do you snore?”
He chuckled. “I don’t think so. No one’s complained.”
I didn’t want to sleep yet. I wanted to talk to him about things I could only say in the dark. “I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”
“No?”
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot, actually.”
He was silent.
“Eddie?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Thanks for being so patient while I figure myself out.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’m still figuring. You know, this is a lot easier to say after a few beers.”
“Beer does that. It also ruins the sex. My ex-boyfriend, Tommy, is an alcoholic.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“I didn’t tell you about him before.”
“I meant, I’ve had sex when I was pretty buzzed. None of my girlfriends complained.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“I don’t really remember.”
“Doesn’t that bother you?” he said.
“Things don’t bother me as much when I drink. I wish I was drunk right now, actually. It’s easier to talk to you about sex when I’m drunk.”
“You seem to be doing okay.”
“I can only talk about it because I can’t see your face right now.” I breathed in deep. “For the past week or so, I’ve been getting up in the middle of the night to check on you.”
“How come?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay and that you hadn’t left.”
“Why would I leave?” he said.
“I dunno.”
“I wouldn’t have paid you next month’s rent if I was planning on leaving.”
“I know it doesn’t make sense. I just wanted to say I’m glad you’re here—not just in my apartment but in my bed. Now, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I don’t have to get out of bed to see you’re okay.”
“That’ll save time.”
I snorted.
We didn’t speak for a while. Being with him like this reminded me of my roommate, Greg, from first year. Sometimes we’d lie awake talking till after midnight, laughing at stupid stuff.
“Sometimes, when I went to check on you,” I said, “I wanted to touch you.”
“I wouldn’t have minded that. I wouldn’t mind now.”
I wanted to touch him so much I could hardly stand it.
But something else was pinging inside me, like a survival instinct.
Like, that wolf looks so beautiful staring at me through the window.
I wanted to be closer to it. But I didn’t dare open that window.
Too dangerous. But now, that beautiful wolf’s nose was so close to the window it was misting the glass.
“I just want to talk right now, okay? I feel like the world’s going to end if I admit this, but I’ve already kissed you.
It’s not like this is that much more, but it’s too far to do that with you, and you were right that night I got drunk.
You said it would take me a long time to get used to this, and it is.
And what I said I wanted to do to you then?
I really want to do right now. I’m, like, almost bursting just thinking about doing that.
I wanna taste you so bad, but I can’t.” I couldn’t believe I’d said that.
I’d cracked the window open was what I’d done, and the wolf’s nose was an inch away.
It hurt to look at him sometimes with the intensity, the immediacy, of what I felt. I was scared of the things I didn’t know about him. I wanted him so much, and that petrified me because it meant there were things I didn’t know about myself either.
“It’s okay.” He shifted in the bed. “I told you we’d probably have to fool around before we worked up to that.”
“I’m not ready to fool around either.”
“That’s okay too.”
“You said you fooled around with Edgar. Can you tell me what you did?”
“Are you going to get jealous again?” he said.
“No. You said you wouldn’t do it again. I believe you. I’m just curious what you meant by fooling around, like, if I knew what I was in for.”
“Well, we didn’t take our clothes off,” he said.
“You just touched each other through your clothes?”
“We didn’t touch each other.”
“But you said he made you shoot. How did he do that if he didn’t touch you?”
He sighed. “I’m not sure you’re ready to hear this. No, I know you’re not ready to hear this. I’ve got this kink. Not many people are into it, and he indulged it for me, and I came from watching him do it.”
“You shot just from watching him? What kind of kink is it?”
“Craig, I’m not gonna tell you right now. If you can’t even talk about giving me head without freaking out, I know you can’t handle this.”
“Is it illegal? Does it hurt?”
“No and no. It’s harmless. It’s just weird.”
“Then why won’t you tell me what it is?”
“You’re not ready to hear it yet.”
“Did Trish know?”
“Yeah. She wouldn’t do it for me.”
“Why not?”
“It was too weird for her.”
“Now I’m dying to know. If I got drunk, would you tell me what it is?”
“If you got drunk enough, you might do it, even if I didn’t ask you.”
“Come on, Eddie. I’m not gonna be able to sleep now. Did your ex-boyfriend do it for you?”
“Sometimes.”
“Why just sometimes?”
“He didn’t like doing it.”
“But you said he got drunk a lot, and if you’re really drunk, you can do it.”
“Craig, you need to stop. I’ll tell you what it is after we’ve worked through all this other stuff, after you can kiss me without going to pieces, after you can put your hands on me without losing sleep.
After you’ve worked up to fooling around with me.
After we’ve fucked. But that’s way down the road. You can’t deal with it now. Okay?”
“But you will tell me eventually?”
“Yeah, but I won’t make you do it if you don’t want to.”
“If you want me to, I’ll do it.” I’d agree to it blind if he wanted it that much.
“We should sleep,” he said.
“Yeah, you’re right.” I had to work the next day, and I was tired. He must have been tired, too, but I didn’t want to sleep yet. There was something else I wanted to tell him.
“Eddie?”
“Yeah?”
“I like you.”
“I figured that out when you asked me to sleep in your bed.”
“No. I mean...even if I didn’t want you like that, I’d still want you as my friend. I’d feel pretty lucky to have you as my friend, actually.”
“No one’s ever said that to me,” he said.
“It’s true.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Good night, Craig.”
“Good night, Eddie.”