Chapter 23
CHAPTER
The next day, I was anxious to resume our dinner conversations.
The prospect of telling him about the Drift had been eating away at me all day.
If he and Cambria were counting on my ability to take down the Ledor Canyon, what else were they counting on me for?
What if this single act destroyed my mind?
Halfway into the trip, I realized fantasizing about a bath the entire journey wasn’t going to improve my attitude or concentration.
Instead, I focused my sights on the dunes in the distance, studying the patterns the wind created in the sand.
The lines etched like waves, proof of the element’s influence over it.
I began to focus my energy on creating small whirls of sand in the distance.
To any onlooker it might appear as something naturally occurring.
“You’re going to have to do better than that!” Saryn yelled from a few camel strides ahead of me.
When would he ever stop provoking me? I was intentionally keeping my meddling small and discrete.
Of course I was capable of more. Frustrated with my mentor’s prodding, I narrowed my focus and breathed in deeply while thinking of home, of the taste of the fruits harvested from our orchards.
The memory of it alone made my mouth water.
What I wouldn’t give for one of Chef’s candied dessert trays.
The warmth of those memories collided with the power welling within me, and the sand began to slide from one side to the other until it swirled into a maelstrom.
I’d read of these occurring at sea but never in a desert.
Anything that got close would be swallowed up into the center, incapable of escape.
“That’s better!” he shouted. “But still not impressive enough.”
He was baiting me. He had to be. Why else would he want me to demonstrate the true strength of my dark wielding out here in the middle of nowhere? Wasn’t he at all concerned this might drain me before the actual mission, or was this actually some semblance of Saryn having faith in me?
I doubled down on thoughts of my loved ones, anchoring myself to them.
I then began to weave in the recent memories of mine and Varro’s kiss.
Each memory created another spark within me.
My vision of the wind around us became clearer, and my focus quieted the surrounding noise till it was nothing but me, silence, and energy preparing to explode out of my body.
Saryn cocked his head abruptly toward the south, where sounds akin to thunder began to roar.
The unexpected vibrations brought both of our camels to an abrupt halt, and he stared at the artistry of my magic as it unfolded.
Waves of sand rushed towards us, creating enormous clouds of dust. A sandstorm a mile high and wide rushed along the horizon line, visibly covering everything it touched.
I commanded the rolling sand to crash downward and then splashed up again like the crest of a wave in the Endless Tides.
A torrent of air and dust engulfed us, and I shut my eyes tightly to protect them until I heard the rustling of the camels and opened them slowly, watching the sand settle and Saryn come back into view.
He glanced back at me, pulling down the cloth covering his mouth so I could see the wide grin spread from one pointed ear to the other.
“Perhaps there is hope for Cambria, after all.” He covered his mouth again, faced forward and pulled his reins, commanding our caravan onward.
His approval brought me a sense of pride. It was rare, and something I coveted much too desperately.
My display of power left me incredibly hungry and thirsty.
I quietly fumbled to reach my pack to satiate myself, hoping to avoid a lecture about my lack of endurance.
Every time I performed this level of magic, I drained myself completely.
So much so, that I found myself struggling to keep a grip on the saddle through the bouts of dizziness that threatened to unseat me.
Saryn wanted me to believe that with enough practice I could achieve some semblance of tolerance, but in my heart, I felt that was impossible. Not with this much power.
It’s not something I had shared with Varro, or even really wanted to admit, but each time it felt like I was losing a tiny part of myself.
That feeling was how I knew the Drift was real.
Why I believed it was coming for me if I pushed myself too far.
Idris had once said ‘Magic, like all things, is finite.’
Dark wielding always took from me; I felt it in my bones.
I felt the consequences of it winding its way through my insides, navigating the honeycombs of my mind to have its way with me.
Sometimes I wondered what would happen if I just pretended I was no longer capable of it? What could they really do?
But the stubborn side of me that secretly enjoyed how special I was refused to let it be taken from me. It was my secret weapon, hidden and ready to draw on my enemies at a moment’s notice.
The day of travel was exhausting. Neither of us had much sleep the night before.
We slept in shifts, the other keeping watch just in case.
Staring into the nothingness with only the company of resting camels and a small fire was an act of torture in and of itself.
The sounds of crackling flames and the cold desert air were enough to lull even the strongest into slumber.
I was pleased with myself that I was still capable of wielding my dark magic, even after an unrestful night, but I knew what lay ahead would require me to be in peak form.
I just had to find a way to convince Saryn to let me sleep longer without sending him into an uninvited tirade.
I could almost hear him lecturing me about some prior mission that he completed on three whole days without sleep…
As we sat around the fire eating our abysmal meal, I paced myself so he wouldn’t notice how truly hungry I was.
Tomorrow we would make our transition to horseback, and I wondered how those horses would be made available to us when and where we needed them.
Was Theory handling the arrangements, or Idris?
Would we get to see either of them? I didn’t pry because there were more important things to be discussed.
The words stuttered from my mouth in an uncollected jumble. “I…I need…to tell you something. It’s about…”
He raised his hand to silence me, and shook his head, already exuding irritation. I hated when he did that. Writing me off before I could even get a damn word out.
“I know about you and Varro,” he said plainly, taking another gulp from his canteen.
I tried not to let him hear my gasp, but it was impossible with only the vastness of the empty desert as our background.
Had that been confirmation enough for him?
Did he really know, or was he playing games and probing?
With my mental shield solidly in place, my mind raced and my heart pounded.
He knew Varro was my mate? Who had told him?
I leaned into my training, refusing to be the next one to speak.
I would give him nothing. I would force him to show me how much he knew.
“Did you think after all the years I spent studying my enemies and their every movement, knowing them better than they knew themselves, I could be ignorant of a couple of frolicking bunnies beneath my feet?” He shook his head in disbelief, taking another sip.
“Nothing happens at Basdie that I don’t know about. ”
I decided to play this differently.
“So what? There are no rules about fooling around with other members. Plus, Trace doesn’t count. He and I fucked beforehand; we had unfinished business.”
I tried to feign confidence and cockiness all in one. Treat these like meaningless trysts, just sex. I eyed Saryn, hoping I seemed convincing.
“You are correct, there are no rules against fucking anyone. That doesn’t mean there won’t be complications.”
“Like what?” I asked, pretending not to care.
“Like putting the mission above all else. Like leaving people for dead,” he replied coldly, knowing exactly what he was doing. Trying to twist the knife in further.
“I’m well aware,” I said through gritted teeth. I pretended to have ascended to a place of maturity and ambivalence adding, “It’s not like he was my mate; it’s just sex.”
Saryn cocked his head assessingly, trying to see through my lies. “Mates…” he said with a scoff. “What a particularly sentimental and highly detrimental circumstance.”
I could feel the disgust radiating off him. I already knew this was his attitude, which was why I would not be telling him about the true relationship between Varro and I.
“Now that I know you spy on us while at Basdie, I’ll make sure we put on a real show for you next time. But I have something more important to discuss with you.”
I shot him an insolent wink. My words were sharp, intended to embarrass him—or at minimum make him feel uncomfortable for his intrusions.
Instead, he sat stone-faced and unflinching, focused on me.
Waiting for me to direct the conversation to where I originally intended before he’d made assumptions.
His jumping to conclusions meant he’d made a mistake and spoke too soon. One point for me.
“Since you are asking me to use my dark wielding, you need to know there are implications, ones I have not shared with you.”
“What implications?” he snapped.
“It’s called the Drift. And I think it’s what the wielder in your Order suffered from…”
“Why do you suppose that?”
“You mentioned, when we first discovered my ability, that she’d seemed absent, like she wasn’t always there, and I believe her mind was corroded from the Drift.”
“And you didn’t think to share any of this with me before now?” he scolded.
“It is my burden to understand and navigate, not anyone else’s! It’s not like you would have stopped pushing me anyway!”
It was one of the first times I had been truly honest toward Saryn. He was callous, cold, and calculated in every way. I had no reason to believe, despite being my mentor, that he would not sacrifice me if that was what it came down to.
“Remember, the mission above all else,” I said deliberately.
“It is my job to train and wield you all as weapons of the North, not destroy you… If I can help it.”
His words did not align with his actions, and I didn’t believe him.
“You would discard of us easily; what about Nori?” I argued, finally having the discussion we never fully addressed.
“If Nori was going to get the rest of you killed with her childish actions, it was my job to protect you all from what would distract you from your purpose and hinder your ability to become dedicated members of the Imperi.”
Our voices had become so loud in our heated exchange that anyone nearby would’ve been alerted to our presence, but that did not stop us.
“And what will become of us when we are no longer useful to the realm? What higher purpose will you have for me when the Drift defeats me? Where is your Order’s Dark Wielder now? ”
“She’s gone!” he yelled; the first time I’d witnessed him lose his composure. “Likely dead. And she was gone long before that, probably succumbed to this supposed Drift, as you call it.”
You could cut the tension between us with a blade, and all that separated us was the flickering of flames.
“Don’t speak of things you don’t understand.
She was more powerful than anything I’d ever witnessed.
She was a Seer and a Dark Wielder; she was a Dreamwalker, too.
But she meddled, and everyone knows there are lines one should not cross.
With so much power amassed in one tiny female, she was arrogant and unruly.
She believed the mission was not her calling but something beyond that.
She sought to unravel the future entirely.
” He paused; his hands were both clasped in tight fists at his sides.
“Don’t make the same mistakes, Cress. Don’t assume you are more important than the mission.
Don’t pursue your own desires, or you will corrupt yourself long before this Drift comes for you. ”
Every word that left his mouth made the fire glow brighter and burn hotter until I began to sweat. He was spiraling out of control, his magic spilling off him as a result. Saryn was exasperated, taking another drink to punctuate his grave warning.
“I believe you’re capable of what is being asked of you. I will not pretend this isn’t your most difficult task yet. Every step we take now is treacherous, no deeds meaningless.”
This was his version of showing concern for me. I thought he was done speaking and I stood up, turning to head toward my tent when he added, “I will convey anything of concern to Idris, should it come to that.”
I didn’t know if he was referring to my own safety or the mission. But knowing he’d lost a member to this same affliction and it silently ate away at him was enough for me to have some small belief that he’d look out for me.
That night I lay in my tent while Saryn took watch.
He had agreed to let me sleep longer since I told him that I needed it to regain my energy for the task ahead.
For once, he didn’t argue with me. I think his mind was far from sleep anyhow.
His thoughts had been pulled deep into a past he had seemingly not spoken of in a very long time.
I couldn’t help but reason that Saryn disliked both Nori and I because we reminded him of her; my dark wielding, her dreamwalking, and our combined upbringings made us prime targets for Saryn’s anger and jealousy.
But I would not let him forget we were on the same side, fighting for the same things.
Never had a single selfish thought about my power crossed my mind until he told me of the female in his Order who had intentions of her own.
I wouldn’t even begin to know what to use it for if I wasn’t under direct orders of the Imperi.
Everything about my power seemed destructive in nature.
I let the exhaustion of our journey send my body into a deep slumber; tomorrow we would make the final leg of the journey north, then along the Ledor River until we reached the canyon.
Was it asking too much to hope for a peaceful culmination to our expedition?
That our arrival would scatter the miners or, better yet, that they had scouted our approach and retreated to safety somewhere deep within the desert?
I prayed there would be no need to end the lives of so many.