CHAPTER THIRTEEN
KNOX
All I can think listening to her is, how I’m that guy.
How I’ve been on that same hollow path hoping for something, someone , I spent many times thinking wasn’t still out there for me.
But the last thing I want, is her wondering if it’s some line, some convenient commonality when she’s at her most vulnerable, so I don’t say it. Not now. Not like this.
“Did you know Matti was married?” I ask a question that must seem like it’s coming out of left field to her. But I have a point. I’m just taking the long way around.
“I didn’t.” Her brow crinkles a little, but for the most part she seems relieved the topic is moving away from her. She’s even looking me in the eye again.
“She was his high school sweetheart. They stayed together through everything, all the shit years in the beginning when we were practically living out of our car while driving town to town to play gigs, and still barely scraping by with enough to buy food and new guitar strings.” I pause to swallow.
All this shit is stirring up feelings I wasn’t expecting to confront tonight.
“She’d stay put back home, living with her roommate, and working two jobs just to help keep us afloat and pushing on.
She was amazing. The way she loved him, I just thought he was luckiest goddamn man alive.
” I smile, but it’s bittersweet knowing how their story ends.
“And he was a good man too. He never once took for granted the sacrifices she made or the fact that she was back home, waiting for him, trusting him.” I nod, remembering.
“He earned that trust every damn night. Even when we were playing dive bars or coming in at the bottom of the totem pole as the three-song opening act, Matti never failed to attract women. And he never failed to turn them down.”
“Sounds like they both knew what they had was sacred,” she says softly.
“They did. Hell, we all did.” Even when it all fell apart, we knew what it meant, what it was Matti and Nessa were losing.
“And I always wanted what they had. Always knew I was the kind of man Matti was. Cheatin’, that’s just never been my thing.
If you want out, get the fuck out. Don’t string someone along when you know damn well they’re putting more in than you are.
” Even before Emmery cheated on me, I knew I’d never do that to someone else.
“But I didn’t ever love anyone the way Matti loved her.
And even when I thought I got close, she didn’t love me back the way Nessa loved him.
I thought for a while she did,” I admit, even now still constantly searching for the reasons I kept going back, kept hanging on.
“But where Nessa was always pushing Matti to go, I was always being asked to stay. Forced to choose, to prove that I cared more for her than anything else.” I understood why she needed it; I just couldn’t ever give it to her.
And in turn, we took something that should have been beautiful and made it ugly.
Made it destructive. “Eventually, she hated me for always letting her down, and I hated myself for being that guy who always wound up hurting her because the choice was never between her and music. It was between her and me. And as much as I wanted her to know she mattered, I wasn’t willing to prove I mattered less. ”
“Yeah,” Kenley says thoughtfully and it’s obvious there’s more on her mind than she’s saying.
“What?”
She shakes her head. “It’s just...I obviously don’t know this woman or what your relationship was like,” she pauses again, choosing her next words carefully, “but coming from the perspective of someone who spent many years weaving their way through someone else’s mind games and guilt trips, it sounds like pretty manipulative behavior.
Like it was never about proving that you loved her.
..and just about breaking you down to control you. ”
I nod. That’s the first time I’ve ever told anyone what things were like between me and Emmery and had them see it so clearly.
Even Matti, who never hesitates to tell me how batshit crazy she is, always seemed to think that I’d have chosen her every time she asked if she’d been the one.
“Took me years to sort that out and break out of that mindfuck, but yeah. That’s exactly what it was.
” Even if it wasn’t intentional. And I’m not saying it wasn’t.
I’m just saying, I’ll never know for sure that it was.
“The reason I’m telling you all this,” I try to circle back around to where I started, “is because I’ve been that guy the way you’ve been that girl.
I feel like I’ve been watching people find their soulmates and build their lives from the second I arrived on this earth.
Hell, even my own parents were high school sweethearts who married right out of school, made a bunch of babies, and loved each other through every second of it.
Even the hard ones.” I lift her hand from where I’ve been holding it to my chest and press it to my lips.
“When Matti and Nessa split, I thought for a while maybe it was a sign. That the magic wasn’t real.
That what I wanted couldn’t be found.” I release her hand and she lets it slide along my neck before it catches over my heart again while my own hand moves to find her cheek, gently caressing her soft skin.
“Then I met you. And I knew that it could. And that magic isn’t a fantasy.
And the only sign I need moving forward is the way the light sparks in your eyes every time you look at me and I remind you that this is real.
That we’re real. And that even if I have to leave, I’m always coming back for you. ”
KENLEY
Goddamn, the man gives a good speech. Have I said that before? I have. At this rate, I’ll be saying it regularly. Possibly for the rest of my life. Because I think I’m starting to believe him. Really believe him, believe all of it.
Of course, it’s getting harder not to the longer he’s moving around my house like he already lives here.
Like right now, while he’s in my shower, singing. How am I supposed to convince myself that Knox Marley isn’t putting permanent roots down in my home when he’s singing in my goddamn shower?
Worse. I took a shower before him, and I also sang. Which I do all the time. But not when people other than Sloan can hear me.
Knox is apparently now also on that super elite list of people I will serenade while suds-ing up.
Seems a poor choice in hindsight. Singing in front of the rock star with out-of-this-world vocals.
I check in on Sloan one more time before he finishes up. The last two days are definitely catching up with me and my bed is calling. The fact Knox will be in it soon is all the more reason to answer.
“You brush your teeth yet?” I ask when I find her still sitting upright, leaning against the headboard and finger moving across the screen of her iPad. Apparently, this is the new fingerpaint.
“Yep. Got in there before you guys.” She looks up. “You going to bed already?”
“Sloan, it’s nearly eleven,” I point out, fully aware she’s lost track of time. She always does when she gets sucked into a project.
“It is?” She turns her head to find the clock on her nightstand. “Oh, crap.”
“Just do me a favor and turn out the lights before tomorrow, k?” I tease, moving in to kiss her cheek. “If we all wake up at a semi-decent hour in the morning, we should take Knox to The Maple Tree for waffles.”
Her face lights up. “I’m setting an alarm.”
“Don’t.” I threaten her with my finger. “You’ll just sleep through it, and I’ll have to drag my ass in here to turn it off just to keep from going crazy first thing in the morning.”
“I’ll wake up,” she assures me.
We have a moment. A stare down ensues. Silent arguments are exchanged.
Then she grins. “Yeah, you’re right.” She sets down her tablet. “Can I have your phone and set an alarm for you?”
“No!” I’m starting to regret having shared my waffle idea with her. “Just go to sleep and stop messing with me so I can go to sleep too. And then we’ll naturally wake up at a decent time, well-rested and hungry for waffles. K?”
“I hope so.” She picks her tablet up again and starts back on her art. “But we don’t have a good track record with that.”
“Maybe things will be different with Knox here. For all we know, he’s a total morning person.”
We both make a face.
“Are you going to keep him if he is?”
“If he’s what?” Knox shows up in the doorway out of nowhere.
He’s dressed in olive green sweats and a white tee, his hair is still wet and slicked back, and he looks oddly natural standing there in the doorframe of my daughter’s room, here to join us for our late bedtime chat.
Of all the stunning visuals I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying of him over the years between candid social media shots, photo shoots and music videos, not to mention, live on stage, he’s never looked more attractive to me than he does right now, like this.
Everything from my brain to my heart, to my freakin’ vagina, just blissfully sighed while looking at him.
“A morning person,” Sloan answers when my brain is still too busy internally gushing to form words out loud. “Are you?”
“I am.” He looks worried. “Am I getting kicked out now?” But he starts to grin again before we can answer. So, I’m thinking he’s not really that concerned.
“I don’t think you realize that’s a potential deal breaker,” Sloan goes on, cocking a brow and pulling her mouth into a lopsided scowl. “How early are we talking?”
“Really early.” Knox wanders a few steps into the room, closing in the distance between us all. “Like, rise with the sun, early.”