Chapter 23
The truck came to a stop. My breathing quickened. I had memorized the roads. I knew the turns, the stops. I’d lived on this street for two years; the longest David had ever been stationed in one spot. I knew the sound of the gravel beneath the tires. Maybe if I kept pretending to be asleep, Garrett would take pity on me, and we could just turn right back around.
His fingers gently pushed my hair behind my ear. “Daze.”
Dammit.
Tears escaped and my voice shook. “I’m not ready to open my eyes.”
Garrett pushed the armrest between the seats up, unbuckled my seatbelt and pulled me into his arms. “That’s ok, for now, just breath with me. We’ll take fifteen breaths, slowly, and then see how you feel.”
I buried my head against his chest, breathing in the scent of his deodorant, listening to the steady beat of his heart and breathed. In and out. I breathed and focused on the sound of his heart until he reached fifteen.
“What do you think, Luce? Are you ready?”
I hugged him tighter and nodded. “Yeah, but I think I’m going to need obnoxiously loud music to get through this.”
“Well,”
a chuckle shook his chest. “It’s a good thing Josh went through that DJ phase in high school.”
I groaned, remembering Brittney Spears on repeat for months on end. “He’s banned from the speaker, I need My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy, maybe some CORPSE in the mix as well.”
Garrett kissed the top of my head. “We’ll make it happen.”
I finally sighed, sitting up to look out the windshield. There it was the beautiful, white two story with blue shutters and the crystal front door I had fought David tooth and nail for. He said it was too easy to break into. I argued that it was opaque, and no one would break in. I ultimately won, but with the compromise that we also needed to install a wrought iron storm door in front of it. The plants in the walkway were long since dead for the winter. All the life was gone from the home. A hot tear fell onto my chest.
“Let’s go.”
I climbed out of the truck, finding Josh sitting on the top step of the wrap around porch.
“I, uh, I brought a speaker.”
Josh held up a Bluetooth speaker the size of his head.
The tears were streaming now as I threw my arms around his neck. “Maybe I don’t hate you after all.”
Josh set the speaker down and wrapped me in his arms. “It’s okay, I know I’m your favorite brother.”
I scoffed a laugh and swatted his gigantic arm.
“Would you quit hitting me? Jeez!”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Turn on an MCR playlist at full volume. I want it so loud I can’t even hear myself breathe, let alone think.”
He gave me two thumbs up.
I took Garrett’s hand in mine and slid the key into the lock. I could do this. I would do this. Opening the door seemed to take an eternity, and once it was opened, I wished I could have slammed it shut again.
It was so still, as if life had stopped, and I supposed it had for this house. There was nothing left but memories. The girls’ measurements still marked the doorway by the stairs leading into the living room. The old beat-up couch still had that smudge of spilled fingernail polish from when Eve and I tried to watch The Princess Bride, eat cookies and do our nails. It did not work well.
Music began to fill the space, thank God. “Ok, I don’t want to pack anything from the living room, or my bedroom. They can throw that all away. I just-”
Garrett squeezed my hand.
“Let’s focus on the kids’ rooms and getting all of their things. I’ll get started on the kitchen.”
“Aye, Aye Captain,”
Josh said giving me a lousy salute.
I turned to Garrett. “You’re free to help Josh or me. It’s your call.”
“I’m with you, Daisy.”
Josh flexed his stupid muscles, kissing his arm. “Plus, I don’t need help.”
“You’re dumb,” I mocked.
“Nah, I just play the part.”
He went to grab boxes from the truck, leaving us to make our way to the kitchen with the speaker. The walls were still the gentle seafoam green I loved. The Kitchen-Aide David got me for our five-year anniversary still sat in the corner of the white granite counter next to his espresso machine he just had to have. I sniffled.
“Whatever you need,”
Garrett said as his arms wrapped around my waist from behind. “I’m here for you.”
Josh dumped an armful of boxes in the doorway, taking another armful with him upstairs.
I sighed. “I just need us to get this done.”
“I’ll start getting the boxes ready.”
That’s exactly what he did. Garrett prepped the boxes and helped wrap items I handed him. We worked well together, me belting the songs I had memorized back in high school and Garrett joining in, grabbing my ass or stealing a kiss anytime the opportunity presented itself. It probably should have been annoying, but honestly, it was the comedic relief I needed.
We placed an order for delivery around eight and took a break to eat in the living room when it arrived.
“I can’t believe you had Chinese food like this and chose to move back to Whispering Springs.”
Josh moaned as he took another bite of his chicken.
“Can you not make sex noises while you eat?”
I reprimanded, throwing a sticky bun at him.
Garrett gasped, covering the box of sticky buns. “Don’t you dare waste the buns; they were made in heaven.”
“Yeah, Luce. Plus, you made sex noises all night last night and I didn’t shame you for it in the morning. That just goes to show, I am the better sibling.”
I went to tackle him, but Garrett’s arms trapped me in my seat. When I turned to scold him, he gestured to the food.
“You’re going to knock it all over,”
he whined with concern.
“You both-”
I pointed at both men. “Are children!”
“The food is just that good, man,”
Josh said around a mouthful of lo mien.
Once the dinner theatrics ended and we were all well and full, Garrett and I finished packing the kitchen and joined Josh to finish the kids’ rooms. By the time we loaded the vehicles, it was midnight, and I suddenly cursed my delusion that sleeping in the house would be okay.
Josh and Garrett were troopers when I declared we were all sleeping together in the living room, as if we were children and this situation wasn’t absolutely bizarre, but I couldn’t sleep with Garrett alone where David and I used to... I just couldn’t. I could barely bring myself to sleep in the house instead of the cars. Truly, I should have booked another hotel room. The boys unpacked the mattresses from the moving truck, and we set up the beds on opposite sides on the living room floor, piled with kids’ blankets. Josh took the couch.
“Goodnight,”
I said to the dark room.
“I hope you know this is weird as fuck and I only agreed because you’re my sister and I’m exhausted.”
“Love you too, Josh.”
Garrett chuckled from his bed clear across the room.
“Love you, Garrett,”
I called out.
“Gross,”
Josh gagged.
Garrett’s laugh was louder now and soothed the anxiety building in my chest. “Love you too. Goodnight, Josh.”
“Don’t make it weirder, man.”
The silence spanned for a solid thirty seconds before we all burst into laughter.
Sleep eventually took over. I would have slept for several days, if Josh hadn’t placed the speaker right next my pillow, blaring “I’ll Make A Man Out of You”
from Mulan.
I grabbed the stuffed unicorn I was snuggling and hurled it in his direction. “Can you be normal for one day? Just one?”
“I think he’d have an aneurism if he did,”
Garrett mumbled, voice gruff from sleep, an instant shot of warmth to everywhere that should have been dormant considering our situation.
“Sickening. No sex eyes at your boo thing when your brother is in the room.”
I lobbed my pillow at Josh, which he expertly deflected.
He grabbed the pillow, stormed over to me and playfully swatted me as he said, “Quit. Throwing. Shit. At. Me.”
“Alright, alright.”
I giggled as I threw my hands up. I took a deep, calming breath as I said, “Here is my plan for today. Load up these beds, get a shit ton of coffee, a literal shit ton, and then head to the jail where I will throw up every bit of the coffee.”
Garrett eyed me sympathetically. Josh went right into action, dumping me off the mattress, hefting it up onto his back and making his way outside.
“I guess the plan works.”
I wrung my fingers together, staring at my bag of clothes in the corner.
Garrett took my hands in his. “Want me to help you get dressed?”
He winked with insinuation. I wanted to laugh, to smile, anything, but anxiety gripped my chest with its icy fingers.
“I don’t want to go.”
“I know.”
He kissed my temple.
“I’m going to cry.”
“That’s okay.”
He kissed the other side.
“I need coffee.”
I leaned my forehead on his chest.
“Well, then we should probably help Josh load up.”
With one final quick kiss on my lips, Garrett went to work. We were loaded and pulling out of the drive in twenty minutes and my heart was pounding in my throat, in my ears. By the time we arrived at the coffeeshop, I was damn near hyperventilating.
“I can’t.”
It was a whisper, one probably only I could hear.
Garrett took one look at me and stepped into action, exiting the car. Everything around me was a blur. I dropped my head to my knees and fought the lump in my throat and the needles under my skin.
“Open your hands, Lucy,”
Garrett commanded, his voice low and soothing.
I kept my head down but opened my hands. He placed an ice cube in each hand, telling me to close my fingers around the ice and count to thirty. Water dripped, the cold bit my skin. My breathing slowed. I realized at some point Garrett had started rubbing my back. Slowly, I sat up.
“Thank you.”
I avoided eye contact, thoroughly embarrassed.
Garrett handed me some napkins for my hands. “Let’s go get a drink.”
Josh had the decency to stay silent as we entered the bustling café. Garrett’s hand never left my back, continuing to rub those small circles.
I ordered a peppermint mocha. Garrett had an Americano. Josh surprised us both with a lavender vanilla latte.
He shrugged at our surprised glances. “Helps calm the nerves.”
I pursed my lips. Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea. I flagged down the barista and asked if it was too late to change my order.
She smiled, bright eyes sparkling beneath her dark curls. “You’re in luck, I made the Americano first.”
With a wink, she got back to work on our orders.
She called Garrett’s name when she finished and upon taking the first sip, I felt like my chest was given a warm hug and I could breathe.
Turning to Josh, I said, “You were right.”
He smiled and took a big gulp of his. “I sometimes know what I’m talking about.”
We ambled back into the trucks, I made sure to pace myself as I drank the latte, being sure to make it last all the way to the correctional facility.
The parking lot was filled with police cruisers, ridiculously tall fences with circles of barbed wire surrounding the giant red brick building with far too few windows. I was going to throw up.
“You guys go first,”
I whispered, taking a long sip of the coffee which had grown lukewarm over the course of the drive. “I need a minute to myself.”
Garrett placed a hand on my cheek, silently begging me to meet his eyes. “Are you sure?”
I nodded, staring blankly at the rust-colored metal front door. “I’m sure. I just…give me a minute, please.”
He leaned in, kissing my cheek, before pulling away to walk into the jail with my brother.
The door closed behind them, and I allowed myself two minutes to cry and scream and be as absolutely hysterical as I needed to be. When the timer on my phone buzzed, I set another for a minute, breathing in for five seconds and out for ten until that timer buzzed. Then I called Gran to check on the kids. Everyone was doing well. They were happy. That was good. After I hung up with her, I prayed to David, begging him to give me strength to do this to give everyone closure.
With a final deep breath, I wiped the remaining tears from my cheeks and stepped out of Garrett’s truck. I would do this. I would do this for David and the kids. I would do this for me. No more stalling.