4. Luca
FOUR
Luca
The demons Lacey had coaxed out of me the night before had made the voyage home with me, but instead of letting them linger in the shadows, I turned on all the lights and set about doing laundry so I’d have clean clothes to pack. I even changed the sheets and started picking up. With every coffee-stained mug I placed in the dishwasher, I felt a sense of pride.
Most people probably loaded their dishwasher without even thinking about it, but over the past few months, every task had become heavy, weighted with expectation. When I’d told Lacey about this, she’d suggested I start with a single cup. If I felt like doing another, I could. If not, it was okay to stop. But once I started, I couldn’t stop. Cleaning my space was the only thing keeping me from losing my shit.
With the place mostly cleaned and some clothes washed, I finally settled into bed a little after 3 a.m. Part of me wanted to drive straight to Nashville, but I didn’t want to show up at such an early hour and freak anyone out. Calling didn’t feel right either. I owed people an explanation, and they deserved one given in person. I’d gotten a lot wrong in the past, but this was one thing I was determined not to fuck up.
Lacey had told me about a couple of podcasts she liked, so I put one of them on. The lady’s voice was so monotone that it eventually put me to sleep. When I woke twelve hours later, I was still exhausted, leaving me wondering if the demons had been throwing a fucking rave all night.
I filled my suitcases in a daze and set out a little after 5 p.m. before I had the chance to lose my nerve. A quick stop for gas and a shitty cappuccino that nearly made me see noises, and I was on my way.
With “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance playing on repeat, I drove down I-65 south without knowing my exact destination. The closer I got to the city my friends called home, the more I realized nowhere really felt like mine. Not my apartment. Not Nashville or even the roads I’d spent the majority of my twenties watching pass by from the window of the tour bus. My own body didn’t even feel like home.
As I got closer, an instinct I couldn’t identify took over. The wheels of my car were pulled toward an exit I vaguely remembered. Turns I hadn’t made that often before suddenly felt familiar. Shame slithered up my neck and settled into my cheeks as I turned onto the tree-lined street. I should have been here more.
I pulled into the driveway and cut the engine a little after eight, white-knuckling the steering wheel for a moment. What would they think about me just showing up like this? Being mere feet from the door made me realize that maybe a phone call wouldn’t have been the worst fucking idea.
“Just get out of the fucking car,” I muttered to myself. “One cup at a time.”
Pocketing my keys inside my jacket, I got out and grabbed my bags. With every step, the monsters clawed at my feet, tugging me back toward the car. Each stride forward was met with resistance. But I kicked away the gnarled fingers clinging to my jeans as I climbed the stoop. I might not have been home, but I was somewhere I felt safe. And that was close enough.
I knocked on the door three times in rapid succession, my heart pounding with my fist.
The muffled sounds of the television muted, and I heard a faint, “Be right there!”
Dull footfalls got closer until they were accompanied by the click of a lock, the creak of a door, and then a gasp of surprise.
“Luca.” Katie bounced outside and her arms were around me in a quarter of a second. “Oh my God. I can’t believe you’re here. Do you know how worried I’ve been? How worried we’ve all been? You better have a good explanation, mister. You better have dropped your phone into a toilet in Amsterdam and lost your passport or been detained by the embassy or something because—”
I don’t know who was more stunned by the emotion that started fucking leaking from my eyes—me or her. But I didn’t have the energy to care. Every bit of strength I had left was clinging to my friend like she was the last thread holding me to the earth.
She said my name again, this time more softly. “I…I didn’t mean it. I’m not upset. I was just giving you a hard time. Luca, you’re scaring me. Please talk to me.”
“Hey, Butter Bean, is everything okay?” Dallas froze when he stepped into view, his eyes growing wide before narrowing with concern. “Luca? Are you okay?”
I shook my head, unable to string together any words that made sense.
He stepped onto the stoop and reached for my shoulder. I only broke my embrace with Katie to grasp onto Dallas who wrapped me in a bear hug so tight it might’ve suffocated me if I could have caught my breath.
Katie stepped aside but kept a hand on my arm. Her features were blurred, but even through the rainstorm that clouded my vision I could see the alarm on her face.
“We’ve got you,” Dallas said in my ear. “You hear me, brother?”
It took everything I had to whisper, “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Dallas pulled his head back, his hands on either side of my face. “We’ve always got you.”
“Come on,” Katie said, squeezing my shoulder. “Let’s get you inside.”
I woke to the whispers of hushed voices and the smell of freshly brewed coffee. I shot up, a colorful afghan falling off my chest, revealing yesterday’s clothes. It took a few seconds to remember I wasn’t alone anymore and that the sounds coming from the next room weren’t from the demons that haunted me; they were from my friends, and I happened to be on their couch.
Their geriatric dog, Emilia, was curled up at my feet. I’d actually been the one to find her—or more accurately, she’d found me when her owner left her, diaper and all, at my place after a one-night stand, never to return. She was prissy and tiny enough to be carried around in a bag, but she was also mostly blind. I wasn’t exactly in a position to take care of myself, let alone anyone else, but it fucking bothered me the way this chick had discarded the pup like she was trash. I felt sorry for the dog. I knew what it was like to be rejected for things beyond my control.
“Hey, girl,” I murmured, reaching to stroke the top of her head. She opened her eyes, but I wasn’t sure she could really see me, so I let her sniff my fingers. That elicited a soft wag of her tail. “It’s good to see you too.”
My head throbbed, and my throat burned like a cut doused in alcohol. It was like a hangover, except I hadn’t had a fucking drop to drink in over a year. I dropped my head back onto the pillow I was fairly certain wasn’t there the night before and pulled the blanket tighter around me. Emilia twirled in a circle, pawed at the blanket, and flopped back down to resume her slumber.
“Hey,” Katie said, appearing in the doorway. “You’re up. Want some coffee?”
“Coffee would be good,” I said.
“Black, right?” she asked.
I made a half-hearted attempt at a smile. “Like my soul.”
When she returned with a mug a couple of moments later, I sat up, keeping the blanket over my lap. I turned the blue ceramic in my hands, reading the phrase printed across the middle.
One day at a time.
One cup at a time.
I couldn’t help but feel Katie had selected that mug just for me.
“Thanks,” I said, taking a sip of the dark liquid as she sank into the armchair across from me with her own cup cradled in her hands.
“You sleep okay?” Dallas asked as he entered the room, sitting on the arm of Katie’s overstuffed chair.
“We were going to set you up in Jo’s old room,” Katie said, “but by the time we came back in here, you were already out. You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to disturb you. And Emilia refused to settle until we let her lie down with you.”
Watery images of the night before flashed through my mind. Me, trying to no avail to piece together sentences about why I was there, but unable to do so. Katie and Dallas, wide-eyed and helpless as they did what they could to comfort me. Hoarse whispers as my head was gently lifted off the cushion of the sofa and placed on a cloud. The gentle weight of something being draped over my body. A soft lump resting on my feet.
“I’m sorry about last night.” My voice came out gritty, like sandpaper, and I cleared my throat. “I didn’t mean to show up like a fucking wreck.”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Dallas said. “That’s the thing about family. You can show up any way you need to.”
“That’s right,” Katie agreed. “And we’re going to be here for you. All of us.”
My ears snagged on the last part of what she said. “Who else knows I’m here?”
“I told Liv and Jo,” Katie answered, which meant that by now, everyone knew. “Luca, we’ve all been worried about you. They know the most important part—that you’re safe. I didn’t tell them anything about how you showed up, just that you did.”
I released a slow breath and nodded.
“How are you feeling?” Katie asked.
“Empty.” It was the first word that came to mind. “Like I could sleep forever and it wouldn’t be enough.”
“We’ve got the guest room all ready for you if you want to lie back down for a while,” Dallas said.
Katie leaned forward, her elbows on her pajama-clad knees. “But how about we get you something to eat first? We can talk more over breakfast, or we don’t have to talk at all. Whatever you need.”
“You guys don’t need to rearrange your lives for me,” I said, pushing my hand through the mess that was my hair. “I know you’ve got work.”
“We’re going to take a couple days off,” Dallas said. “Perk of shacking up with the boss.” He tossed Katie a wink.
“I don’t need babysitters,” I snapped and immediately regretted it. “I’m…I’m sorry.”
“We just want to be here,” Katie replied, unfazed. “Besides, my staff can take care of things when I’m not there. I went through this whole thing after my MS diagnosis where I had to learn how to delegate and trust my employees.” She paused for a beat and swallowed hard. “Anyway, when you’re feeling up to it, you’ve got to come in and check out the place. I think you’ll be proud.”
My chest tightened as Dallas rose to his feet. “I’m making breakfast. How about some pancakes? Maybe some bacon and eggs too?”
I didn’t want to eat anything, but my stomach growled in protest, so I agreed.
“Coming right up,” he said before leaving the room.
A moment passed, and I brought my eyes up to Katie.
“I am proud of you,” I said. “And I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to tell you that.” It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough, but it was all I had to give at that moment.
“You’re here now,” she said. “That’s what matters.”
I nodded once and took another sip of coffee. We sat in silence, listening to Dallas clatter around the kitchen. It made me think of the time I hung out with Katie when she was sick. Her best friend Jo was living with her at the time and was putting on a big charity event. She didn’t want to leave Katie, and with everyone else we knew going to the event, Jo asked me to stay with her. I’d never been the nurturing type, so I knew I was probably a last resort, but it still made me feel good that I’d been considered at all. We watched terrible movies and did these ridiculous face masks and laughed, but mostly we just existed in each other’s company. For a long time, Katie had primarily been the friend of my other friends. But that night, she became mine too. After that, our friendship grew, and she became like a sister to me. For someone who had no real family to speak of, that meant a lot.
After Dallas poked his head in to announce that breakfast was ready, I took a seat at the table as he served our plates. Katie placed Emilia in front of her food bowl before topping off our coffees and joining us.
“I started therapy. A couple days ago,” I finally said, staring down at the steam swirling over my mug. “I wasn’t traveling. That whole time I acted like I was out on some big fucking adventure, I was actually rotting in my apartment, wishing I could disappear.”
Katie brought her hands in front of her mouth almost as though she was praying, and Dallas set his fork aside.
“In fact, I was fairly certain your lives, everyone’s lives, would be better if I did.”
“Luca.” Katie’s voice was almost inaudible. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. You have to know that.”
“I do now,” I admitted. “I reached…a scary point. My thoughts had become so dark they distorted my reality. When I hit my lowest point, something happened. My phone, which had been dead for who knows how long, powered on. I expected nothing but telemarketers and wrong numbers, but what I found was all of you. I listened to your messages that had collected over the last several months. And that’s when I realized that even if I didn’t deserve it, you guys were still here for me.”
Dallas drew his brows together. “Didn’t deserve it? Of course, you deserve it. We fucking love you, dude.”
Katie sniffed and reached across the table to touch my arm. “Yes, we do.”
“I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye,” Dallas continued. “And I know my stubborn ass hasn’t always been good about showing it, but you’re like a brother to me. And that means even when I don’t like you, I still fucking love you. I will never turn you away. You hear me? Not ever.”
My throat worked to swallow down the lump in my throat. “I shouldn’t have lied to you, but I didn’t know how to tell you guys the truth either. That I was fucking falling apart for no goddamn reason. That the pressure of simply fucking existing over the past few years had become too much.”
“I’m so sorry we weren’t there for you.” Katie gave my hand a squeeze. “We should have been there.”
I shook my head. “I lied about where I was because I didn’t want to be found. Even if you’d shown up, I don’t think I would’ve opened the door.”
Her face fell. “I understand.”
“But the door is open now,” I said. “Look, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I do know that I don’t want to do it alone anymore.”
“And you won’t,” Dallas said. “We’re going to support you.”
“You can let us in as much or as little as you want,” Katie added. “Just please don’t completely shut us out again.” Her voice broke on the last word, her bottom lip trembling. “And don’t…don’t disappear, okay?”
This time, I was the one to reach for her hand. “I won’t.”
“All right then.” Her shoulders loosened a little, but I couldn’t help but notice the tears pooling at the corners of her eyes. She surveyed the table before rising to her feet, tossing her napkin on the table. “That syrup is almost empty. I’ll just go grab some more out of the pantry.”
Dallas glanced up when her voice cracked slightly, concern flashing across his face, then returned his focus to the plate in front of him.
“These are some good pancakes if I do say so myself,” he said, attempting to sound chipper. “Eat as much as you want. I can always make another batch if you’re still hungry.”
I sliced through one of the fluffy pancakes with my fork, my gaze lingering on the doorway Katie retreated through.
When she returned with the bottle, her eyes were dry, but her smile didn’t reach her eyes. I knew my actions had hurt her. They'd hurt all of my friends. But witnessing that heartache in person as Katie tried to hide the tears I’d caused cut me far deeper.
The pain reminded me that if I ever felt myself longing to disappear someday in the future, I couldn’t give in. I couldn’t allow myself to fade away again.