20. Luca
TWENTY
Luca
The sun filtered in around the edges of the blinds, kissing the freckled skin of McKenzie’s shoulder. Her back was facing me, the faint rasp of her breath and birds singing outside the window the only sounds in the room.
Her hair shimmered, the light casting a golden halo over her head.
I traced slow circles over her back, allowing my fingers to move gingerly over her skin.
She sighed and let out a low moan.
“Hi,” I whispered, squeezing her hip.
“Good morning.” Her voice was still thick with sleep and couldn’t have sounded sexier if she tried. “You know, if you keep doing that, I may never leave this bed.”
“In that case…” I slid closer to her and brushed my hand through her hair, placing a kiss in the crook of her neck.
I allowed my lips to trail up toward her ear, stopping when I spotted a tiny tattoo tucked behind her earlobe. Though I hadn’t noticed it before, I instantly recognized the symbol because I’d seen it before on Lacey’s wrist at our first appointment. I recalled what she’d said when I’d noticed it. The semicolon represents a sentence not yet finished. It means there’s more left to say.
“You have a tattoo,” I said.
“What? Really?” she asked with an exaggerated gasp. “How’d that get there?”
I laughed as she rolled over to look at me.
“Smart-ass,” I said, my thumb grazing her cheek. “How long have you had it?”
Her face softened. “About fourteen years.”
I nodded, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “What does it mean to you?”
She sighed and rolled her lips inward. “It’s kind of a heavy story. You sure you’re up for that this early in the morning?”
I gave her a faint smile. “I’m up for anything that has to do with learning about you.”
She glanced down a moment before bringing her eyes up to mine. “I got it just before the one year anniversary of Brennan’s death.”
“Did you get it for him?”
She shook her head. “I got it for me.” Her gaze dropped, and she chewed the inside of her cheek for a moment. “After Brennan died…I lost myself. He was my best friend. Without him…life changed. It was like all the color drained from the earth, leaving me in this endless gray. It became…too much.”
I touched her chin, tilting her head back to me as I waited for her to continue.
“I was just going through the motions of life rather than living,” she explained. “On the outside, I was functioning—for a while, anyway. I went to school and did just enough to make people think I was fine. But on the inside, every breath was like a knife twisting in my back. Everything reminded me of Brennan. He was gone…yet he was everywhere .”
“I’m so sorry,” I murmured as her eyes turned glossy.
She cleared her throat. “It got to a point where I couldn’t do it anymore. The mask I’d tried so hard to keep up started to slip. I could hardly get out of bed in the mornings until eventually, I stopped. I just…I didn’t want to do it anymore, you know? I didn’t want to…”
I brushed a tear off her cheek and nodded.
“Live,” I finished for her. I understood that feeling all too well.
“At first, it was just this feeling of not wanting to shoulder this loss anymore, but it became something more. Something deeper. It went from being a distant thought to me thinking of how I’d do it. My own mind became a terrifying place to be.”
I swallowed hard, forcing down the lump in my throat. “McKenzie.”
“So, I told my mom. I confessed everything I was feeling, and she did everything she could to bring me back,” she said. “She got me into therapy. She took time off work to be with me. We went on little weekend trips so we could spend time together. She did what she could to make life worth living again, even though she was dying inside. She was so afraid of losing me too.”
My chest tightened as I listened to her, realizing how hopeless she’d felt after losing her brother—and how incredibly close I came to not having the privilege of meeting her.
“Right before the anniversary of his death, my mom and I went to this tattoo place,” she said. “I’d always wanted a tattoo, but of course, she’d never allowed me to get one. And I wasn’t eighteen yet, so I couldn’t have done it without her permission. But she took me and said we were getting one together.”
“What made you decide on a semicolon?” I asked.
“Because they represent a pause. A break in a sentence, a before and an after. They’re there to remind us that even though Brennan’s story is over, we still have more to say.”
I studied her, this beautiful, perfect woman who’d altered the course of my life by simply existing. I was so grateful she’d gotten the help she needed back then and that I was able to wake up next to her now. I must’ve been quiet for a moment too long because she spoke, reaching out to touch my face.
“What are you thinking?” she asked.
I took a deep breath. “I was just thinking how thankful I am that you stayed. You…” I trailed off, my eyes searching hers. “I know we haven’t known each other long, but you’ve…you’ve changed me. You’ve made me lighter. Better. You make me want to be better.”
She tried to look away, but I stopped her, taking her face gently in my hands.
“You do,” I said.
Her eyes lingered on mine for a moment before she leaned in and kissed me. It was nothing like our first kiss from the night before. There was nothing hurried or frenzied about it. It was slow, deep, tender. The feeling of her soft lips against mine was the only thing tethering me to the earth as my heart soared.
She pulled back so she could see me and said three words that made me feel like I could do anything as long as she believed in me.
“So do you. You make me want to be better too.”
Her lips drew me in again, beckoning me closer. I’d spent a lot of my life feeling like I didn’t quite fit anywhere. But with her, in her arms, I finally belonged.
We sipped coffee in bed and ate leftover cake for breakfast, talking about everything and nothing at all as Emilia snuggled between us. McKenzie threw on one of my T-shirts, and even with yesterday’s eyeliner smudged beneath her eyes, she was the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen. I started to imagine more days like this, spent just being together.
“Have you worked any more on the song you played me the last time I was here?” she asked.
“Actually, I finished it,” I answered. “I was so inspired by your feedback that I wrote the rest of it the next day.”
“Play it for me,” she said, pressing a kiss to my lips.
“You really want me to?” I was nervous to share it, but I also trusted her completely. It was because of her I’d even started writing music to begin with.
“Please.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
I brought the guitar into the bedroom, sat at the foot of the mattress, and began to strum the chords. She lay on her side as she listened, and I kept my eyes closed as I sang the words.
I poured my soul into every single syllable, giving her everything I had. It was vulnerable and terrifying, but it made me feel alive—simultaneously lost and found.
My voice faded to a whisper as I finished, the sound of her sniffling bringing me back to the moment.
“Luca,” she said, swiping her fingertips beneath her lashes. “That was beautiful. It was…everything.”
I placed the guitar on the bed and shifted closer to her. “Really?”
She nodded. “I know you started writing just for you, but I think you have something here. Your words could…they could help people.”
The prospect made me both nervous and excited. I hadn’t written with the intention of sharing my songs with anyone. But maybe. Maybe I could. Maybe I should.
“You think so?” I asked.
“I know so.”
I moved so I was lying beside her and Emilia, stroking the tips of the pup’s ears as I contemplated what she’d said.
“Maybe I could show Jax and Liv what I’ve been working on,” I said. “Maybe they would want to record my stuff.”
“You could.” She tilted her head as she gazed at me. “But I think what makes your words so special is that you’re the one singing them.”
I raised my brows. “You’re saying you think I should perform? By myself?”
“There’s no better person to tell your story than you.”
I pressed my lips together, mulling the idea over in my mind. I’d never wanted to or even considered going solo.
“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve only ever been part of a band. Jax…he was the talent. The lyricist, the singer.”
“But I think you were the heart.” She paused and placed a hand on my arm, giving it a squeeze.
I blinked in disbelief. The heart of the band? Me?
“And you are just as talented,” she continued. “Even more so, if you ask me. And your voice…Luca, you don’t even realize how good you are. You made me feel every word you sang.”
It wasn’t that I thought of myself as un talented, but as the lead guitarist, I’d felt more like an entertaining sideshow than the main event. Jax had been the one with the songwriting chops. He’d been the one with the voice that had been the highlight of our glowing reviews. Sure, we’d won several awards over the years, but part of me had always looked at those as his.
We all pitched in here and there when writing songs for the band, but every idea had started and ended with Jax. I’d been content to go along for the ride, giving only what was asked of me, never offering too much of myself.
“It would be weird to get on a stage again without them,” I said.
“It would,” she agreed. “But I imagine it felt a little strange when you started writing your own songs without them too.”
“It did.”
“But it was worth it, right?” she asked. “It felt good after you did it?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “It did.”
“I know it’s scary, but I think it could be good for you too. You’ve spent years helping to tell stories that weren’t yours and letting people make up their own narratives about you. I know the press hasn’t exactly been kind to you.”
“They’re going to spin the story how they want to anyway, so I just never really saw a point.”
“You—your truth—matters,” she said, touching my chest. “Other people don’t get to tell you who you are. Only you get to decide that.”
“You really believe I can do this?” I threaded my fingers through hers and turned her hand over so I could kiss her knuckles.
“I do,” she said. “But what do you think?”
The seed she’d planted in me grew then, faith and confidence taking root in my mind. Her belief in me watered the soil that had once been dried up with doubt.
I gave her a single resolute nod. “I think you’re right.”
And I knew just the person to call to help me make it happen.
I sent Cash a text as soon as McKenzie left on Sunday, asking if he had time to speak with me over Zoom the next day. He agreed, and we set up the call for noon on Monday.
When my friend and former manager’s face came over the screen, it was like no time had passed since I’d seen him, even though it had been several months. I asked how he was, then quickly shifted the topic to his wife Ella.
“Is she around? Can I talk to her?” It killed me that I hadn’t been there when her mom had passed away. I’d been so wrapped up in my own pain that I’d shut out the rest of the world. I still remembered how much it hurt when I heard the news on my voicemail in the middle of the night, the night before I visited Lacey’s office for the first time.
“She’s at a doctor’s appointment with Betty,” he said. “It’s just a regular checkup. Our little girl is growing like a weed.”
I nodded. “How is Ella?”
“It’s a day to day thing,” he answered, his gaze falling. “Her mom had Alzheimer’s for so long that Ella felt like she lost her over and over again. I think what hurt her the most was when she really slipped away there toward the end and Ella knew she’d never see her mom as her again.”
“I’m so sorry.” I released a shuddering breath. “I should’ve been there.”
“It’s okay,” he tried to assure me. “It’s—”
“It’s not,” I interrupted. “And I’ll always regret it, but I just…I wasn’t in a good place, Cash. I was—”
This time, he cut me off. “It’s okay. You were fighting your own battles, man. I just wish you would have told us what was going on. We would have been there for you in a heartbeat.”
“I know,” I said. “But that’s just it. I don’t think I was ready for help. I had to get to a place where I could even be open to the idea. It took me a while, but…I feel like the clouds are lifting.”
He studied me for a moment through the camera of his laptop. “Well, you look good,” he said in that earnest, brotherly way he had about him. “And you’re feeling better?”
“I am,” I answered. “I feel like I’m making progress.”
“I’m proud of you. What you’re doing…it’s not easy. It’s…” He trailed off, scrubbing his hand over his mouth. “God, I went through a dark period after Carrie died. You and the guys knew I was struggling, but you didn’t know the full extent. I threw myself into my work, and it helped that Midnight in Dallas really took off during that time. It gave me something to put every ounce of my energy into. But when I was home during the tour breaks…that’s when it would hit me the hardest.”
“Jesus, Cash,” I said. “I wish we’d known how bad it was.” Losing his first wife had been devastating for him, but he’d carried it so well we must’ve missed just how much the loss had affected him. It had been hard for us all. She’d become an unofficial part of our team.
“I wish I’d told you instead of trying to deal with it alone.” He gave me a sad smile. “We need each other, Luca. People need their people.”
“Yeah.” My throat tightened. “They do.”
“And…I want you to know I’m sorry,” he said, his voice growing thick.
“What for?”
“I should’ve seen it,” he said. “I should have realized…I wasn’t always fair to you. I wasn’t as understanding as I could've been.”
I shook my head. “You have nothing to apologize for. If you’d have tried to be there for me, I would’ve pushed you away. I wouldn’t have listened.”
“But I should’ve tried.” He paused for a moment before speaking again. “I love you, brother. I haven’t told you that enough, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
“I love you too.”
He cleared his throat, dabbing at the dampness on his cheeks.
“Fatherhood is really doing a number on you, huh?” I teased.
“You have no idea,” he said with a laugh. “So, you said you had something you wanted to tell me. What’s going on?”
“Well,” I began, “I’ve been doing some journaling as part of my therapy. At first, it was like pulling teeth, but someone much smarter than me suggested I look at it like writing a song. So, I did, and I’d…I’d like to share something I’ve been working on.”
“Really?” His eyes widened. “I’d be honored.”
I performed the song I’d played for McKenzie, attempting to channel the same energy I’d had the day before. Once again, it felt good to sing, and I got lost in the music. Every word felt like a step in the right direction, taking me a little closer to who I was supposed to be.
When I finished, Cash sat in silence so long I thought the app had frozen.
“Cash?” I said. “Are you there?”
“Yeah, sorry,” he said, leaning closer to the camera. “I’m here. I’m just… Wow , Luca. That was incredible. I’m a little speechless right now.”
I chuckled. “I hope that’s not a bad thing.”
“Definitely not,” he said. “But are you sharing this with me for the reason I think you are? Are you considering putting some solo stuff out there?”
I sucked in a breath. “Yeah. I am. If you think it’s good.”
“I think it’s brilliant. Have you worked on anything else?”
“I’ve got a couple others that are just about finished and a notebook full of shit I’m trying to make sense of.”
“How soon do you think you could have enough material to cut an EP?” he asked, rubbing his thumb along his jaw. “Five songs max.”
My stomach did a flip. “I think I could be ready in a couple weeks. Three, tops.”
He tapped his fingers on the desk, lost in thought. “And how would you feel about doing a couple of small showcases? Maybe even playing The Bluebird?”
“Are you serious? You think I’m good enough for that?” I asked, my heart skipping a beat. I’d never actually played the historic venue before. It wasn’t even something I’d let myself fantasize about because that was the stage for storytellers. So many of the greats had played there over the years, people whose names were synonymous with extraordinary songs, the kinds that stuck with you for a lifetime.
He didn’t hesitate. “Absolutely.”
I sat back in my chair, running my hand along the back of my neck. “Then yeah. Yes. I’d love to.”
“Look,” he said. “I would come out there myself and help you get ready for this, but it’s a tough time for me to leave Ella and Betty, and I’ve got some work going on here in LA. However, I can send someone in my place.” A soft smile played over his face. “I trained her myself, and she’s been needing a solo project to work on to really get her feet wet. I’ll be available to assist from out here in any way I can, but I trust her to take the reins if you do.”
I grinned, knowing exactly where his line of thought was leading. “Let’s do it.”
“Great,” he said. “I’ll have Grace in Nashville by the end of the week. In the meantime, you keep working on those songs, okay?”
“That sounds good.” I smiled, unable and unwilling to hide my excitement.
I couldn’t wait to tell McKenzie. I wasn’t sure what felt better—Cash being on board or knowing I had McKenzie to share the news with.