27. McKenzie
TWENTY-SEVEN
McKenzie
My phone buzzed from my back pocket as I loaded more sliders onto a serving platter Saturday night around 9:30 p.m., topping off more of the appetizers and desserts. It was the third time it had gone off in the last ten minutes, but I didn’t have time to check it. My week from hell had stretched through to the weekend. I’d only managed to get about four hours of sleep the night before, and because we’d been short-staffed at work, I was also short-staffed at the party.
About fifty people were sandwiched into Kia’s boutique, including Jen and Ravi, who’d just gotten drink refills from Abbey, the one person who’d been able to join me when I was supposed to have two more sets of hands on deck, before ambling over to me.
“McKenzie, you killed it,” Ravi said, piling his plate with sliders, blueberry mac and cheese, and a few more of the dessert offerings. “These mini pie bites are insane.”
“The blackberry bourbon is my fave,” Jen garbled around a pie bite. “The crust is so flaky.”
“Thanks, guys.” I barely looked up from the confections I was placing on one of the tables, decorated in shades of pink. My phone buzzed again, and I gritted my teeth, finally plucking it out of my pocket. It was Luca.
Can you talk?
Call me please.
Something was up. This wasn’t like him, and he knew how important this party was to me. Or maybe he didn’t. He hadn’t seemed much aware of anything that wasn’t directly related to him and his new album, his upcoming tour, or the interviews he’d been doing.
I chided myself. That wasn’t entirely fair for me to say. He may not have been aware, but I also wasn’t exactly going out of my way to make him aware either.
I tapped out a quick text and hit send.
Working. Call u in a bit.
I shoved my phone back in my pocket.
“Hey, is everything okay?” Jen asked, her brows knitted together.
“Oh yeah. I’m fine,” I said, waving her off. “Just busy.”
She narrowed her eyes as though she wasn’t sure she believed me, but she let it go.
“Okay. We’re going to mingle, but if you need anything, let me know,” Jen said.
“Hey, Abbey, can you keep an eye out?” I asked as Jen and Ravi disappeared into the sea of people. “I need to mix up some more punch.”
“Sure,” she answered, and I weaved my way through the crowd to the break room. My phone vibrated as patrons stopped me to rave over the food and hummed again when I finally made it to the back to throw together more punch. I released a frustrated groan as I brought out the pitcher to Abbey to load into the dispenser, my backside buzzing.
“I need to go to the restroom real quick,” I whispered to her. “Can you handle things for a couple more minutes?”
“Yeah,” she said, pouring someone else another glass of the fizzy blush-colored liquid. “Just hurry back.”
I nodded, then quickly moved toward the back again and into the break room, pulling out my cell. Before I could call him, his name showed up on the screen. I swiped to answer the call, pressing the phone to one ear, while I plugged the other with my finger to drown out the noise filtering in from the party down the hall.
“Hey, babe,” I said. “I’m kind of swamped here. What’s going on?”
“I know.” His voice came out choked, ragged. “I’m sorry.”
My tone softened. “Luca, what’s wrong? What happened?”
“I have to kill the album, the tour,” he blurted out. “Everything…it’s over.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, pressing the phone closer to my ear.
“There’s this story going around about me. A lot of stories, actually,” he said, his words cracked with emotion. “It’s all over the fucking internet. TMZ. Page Six. It was even on the local news. I’m fucking over. Done. And it’s all my fault.”
“Wait. What are you talking about? What stories?”
“That guy from the tavern,” he said, his words strangled. “The one you almost got in a fight with. Some girl I was with years ago. It’s like everyone has come out of the woodwork to tell the world what a piece of shit I am.”
“I know I’m not famous or anything, but isn’t this kinda how it works?” I sat at one of the dinette tables. “People hate when someone finds success, so they shit on it. It’ll blow over. People will forget all about it in a day or two.”
“No,” he insisted. “I know what you mean, and this…is not that. This is worse. I never should have come here. I should have stayed in my apartment alone, where I fucking belong.”
He started speaking again, but I couldn’t hear him because Abbey poked her head into the break room.
“I need you,” she said, her face frantic.
“Shit,” I muttered, covering the mouthpiece. “I’m coming.”
“McKenzie, can you hear me?” Luca asked.
“Listen, I’ve got to go,” I said into the phone. “Things are nuts out there, and it’s just me and Abbey.”
“I know this is terrible timing, but I need you. I can’t do this.”
“Luca, I know this press stuff is important to you, and I get it. Really, I do,” I said, trying my best to keep the stress and frustration out of my voice. “But I have a life and a job too. One that has been kicking my ass lately, and I can’t just drop everything because someone said something mean about you on the internet.”
“I can’t handle this without you, McKenzie,” he pleaded.
“And you don’t have to, but I can’t deal with this right now, okay? I’ll come over as soon as I’m done here, but right now I have to go.”
“Please. I—”
“I can’t just leave,” I snapped. “What are you gonna do when something happens and you’re on the road? I’m not going to ditch my job and follow you all over the country or take off in the middle of the night because someone says something that hurts your feelings. I won’t be there to hold your hand through everything.”
I knew I was being harsh, but I couldn’t seem to stop the words rolling off my tongue.
“Look, call Grace or Dallas or something,” I continued. “I’ll be over later, and we can talk about it then, but I have to go.”
My stomach dropped as I ended the call, not giving him a chance to say another word, and headed back out to the party where half of the food I’d just put out was already gone, and Abbey had a line for drinks eight people deep. My eyes burned, but I refused to be the girl that cried at work, especially not at my friend’s party.
Though cold as it might have been, what I’d told him was true. I still didn’t know exactly what the stories he was so upset about entailed, but I did know he was going to have to find a way to cope. He couldn’t put his entire emotional well-being in my hands, especially not with him going on tour in the near future. The more his career took off, the less we’d be together. He couldn’t depend on me for everything, just like I couldn’t depend on him.
But my guilt was eating away at me. Even if what I’d said was true, I didn’t have to say it the way I did. I reached for my phone and sent him a text.
I’m sorry. Are you okay?
I stuffed the device back in my pocket and waited for the inevitable buzz, but it never came. A few minutes passed, and I sent another message.
Luca, please answer me.
About forty-five minutes and no response from Luca later, the party was winding down, and Kia made her way over to me with a big grin on her face. “I have at least six customers who want to get your information for their weddings or corporate events. You’ve been quite the hit.”
“Really?” I asked, not even bothering to smile. “That’s great.”
She fixed her gaze on me. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” I replied, clearing away some of the discarded plates.
“Doesn’t look like nothing,” she said, arching her brow. “You look like you want to cry.”
I swallowed hard, tears stinging my eyes.
She stepped behind the table and grabbed my hands. “McKenzie, what is it?”
“It’s Luca. He kept calling and texting me earlier. I finally answered, and he was upset. Something about some bad press. He said he needed me. He was begging me to go to him right then, and I kinda lost my cool. I didn’t mean to, but I was stressed and—”
“Hey, you don’t owe me an explanation,” she said. “I know you’ve been busting your ass all night. Did you try to call or text him back?”
I shoved my fingers through my hair. “I sent him a couple messages and nothing.”
Just then, Jen and Ravi appeared, concern etched into their faces.
“Oh God, you saw it, didn’t you?” Jen asked.
I shook my head. “Saw what?”
“The stuff about Luca,” Jen answered, but it came out almost like a question. “When we saw you over here upset, we figured it must be because you heard about it.”
My throat went dry. “Is it bad?”
Ravi’s throat bobbed, and I could tell by the look on his face that it was, in fact, worse than bad.
I released a shaky breath. “What have I done?”
“Listen to me,” Kia said, taking me gently by the shoulders. “Go to the back and try to call him. I’m going to get everyone out of here, and we’ll get this sorted out, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
Jen was on my heels as I sprinted down the hall. Kia’s words to her guests were drowned out by the sound of my own blood whooshing in my ears. I was already dialing his number when Jen clicked the door to the break room shut, leaving only the sound of my heartbeat.
The call went straight to voicemail. I tried three more times with the same result.
This was all my fault. Luca needed me, and I drove him away, all because I was too fucking wrapped up in myself to just hear him out. I burst into tears, and Jen pulled me into her arms.
“It’s gonna be all right,” she said. “We’ll find him, okay? Just breathe.”
The door to the break room opened and Kia appeared with Ravi close behind.
“Your coworker is out there packing up. I told her you’re not feeling well,” Kia said as she stepped inside and squeezed my arm. “Did you reach him?”
“No,” I cried, wiping my hands down my damp face. “It goes straight to voicemail every time.”
While I tried to call Luca, Jen gave me the abridged version of what was happening in the press. I knew her well enough to know she was choosing her words carefully because my mental state was already hanging on by a thread. But even as she tiptoed around the harsh reality of the situation, I knew it was far worse than I’d imagined. It was no wonder Luca was so distraught. People weren’t just coming for his reputation or his integrity. They were coming for blood.
“I didn’t even tell him I loved him,” I muttered. “When I got off the phone, I didn’t even tell him I—”
I choked back a sob. I was supposed to love him, protect him. And when he came to me, troubled and shattered, looking for support, I turned him away.
My mind went to Brennan and the days leading up to his death, replaying every moment on fast-forward. Had I pushed him away too? Had I really learned nothing after all these years?
“What if he…” I trailed off, unable to finish the question, yet it hung in the air like gunpowder after a shot rang out. I was standing in a room filled with people who’d lost the ones they loved most the same way I lost Brennan. “I have to go. I have to go now.”
“You’re not going alone,” Kia said. “I’m taking you.”
“But—”
“This isn’t up for discussion.” She placed her hands on either side of my face. “You are in no condition to be driving.”
And if anything bad had happened, she didn’t want me to be alone. The thought sent an icy chill shooting through me.
I sniffed, wiping my fingers beneath my lashes. “You shouldn’t be worrying about me. This was your big night, and I messed it all up.”
Kia shook her head. “Stop. You didn’t mess up anything. This is what friends do, McKenzie. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. We sit with each other in the shit. We’ve all done it for each other. Now just happens to be your turn.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
Kia dug in her pocket and pulled out a key, handing it to Jen. “Will you two stay and lock up? Make sure McKenzie’s friend doesn’t need any help cleaning up?”
“Of course,” Ravi said as he and Jen both pulled me into a hug.
Jen kissed the top of my head. “Let us know as soon as you hear something.”
I nodded as Kia reached for my hand.
“We will,” she answered for me before grabbing both our purses from the cabinet beside the door and leading me out the back to her car.
In a matter of seconds, we were on the road.
“Do you have a key to his place?” she asked, keeping her voice even. “In case we can’t get him to answer the door?”
“Yeah,” I rasped, my eyes glued to the blur of the street lights as they passed by.
The forty-minute drive to Leipers Fork from East Nashville was quiet, except for the hammering of my heartbeat and the directions I gave Kia.
We finally pulled in the mostly darkened driveway, and my heart sank when we found it empty.I jumped out of the car before Kia had fully put it into park, fumbling for the key.
“Wait a minute,” Kia called after me, but I’d already jammed the key into the lock and flung the door open.
“Luca,” I yelled into the darkness, slapping my hand against the wall as I felt for the light switch.
The stillness shouted back at me, the only noise coming from the ticking of the old grandfather clock in the living room.
Kia was right behind me as I tore through the house, turning on every light, searching through every room. Even though I already knew he wasn’t outside, I still checked the garden. I frantically called his name as though he might materialize out of thin air and ask what all the fuss was about. But Luca was nowhere to be found.
I walked back into the kitchen, and that was when my heart nearly stopped. There at the corner of the table sat Randy McNutt. I stepped closer, my bottom lip quivering as I realized Luca’s house key was right beside him.
Tears blurred my vision. Why would he have left his key here?
Unless he didn’t plan on coming back.
“Oh my God.” My chest felt heavy, like I’d been lifting hundred-pound weights without a spotter, and they’d come crashing down on me. My breaths ripped through me in sharp gasps.
“McKenzie, talk to me,” Kia said, putting a hand on my arm.
“His…key.” I barely managed to get the words out before the room started to spin. A cold sweat seeped through my skin as my knees buckled.
Kia caught my arm and eased me to the floor, crouching beside me.
“Have…to find him…” I wheezed. I reached for the table in an attempt to pull myself up, but my trembling arms fell limp at my sides. “He…needs help.”
“You’re not going anywhere right now.” Kia’s voice was gentle but firm.
Each breath was like a knife twisting in my chest, white-hot pain burning my lungs. There was a high-pitched scream in my ears. Was I screaming? Were my ears ringing? Was I having a heart attack?
“It’s a panic attack,” Kia said as though she could hear my thoughts, or maybe I’d said it out loud. Her voice sounded far away, like I was in the deep end of the pool, and she was shouting at me from dry land.
Kia reached for my phone, holding it in front of my face to unlock it. She dialed someone, and I tried hard to focus on her words.
“Katie, this is McKenzie’s friend Kia,” she said. “I need your help.”
“Here,” my mom said, handing me a steaming mug of chamomile tea. Kia and I sat on my couch, and she sank into the armchair beside me. “Drink this.”
I nodded, still feeling somewhat shell-shocked as I took it into my hands. After my panic attack, Kia had folded me into her Honda and called my mother to meet us at my apartment. She’d already let herself in with my spare key by the time we arrived.
It was after midnight, and Binx was curled up on my lap, his constant soft purr a balm to my soul. Kia stroked the top of Earl Grey’s head from where he was perched on top of the sofa.
“How are you feeling?” Kia asked, her watchful gaze fixed on me as though I might fall apart if she looked away.
“Like this is all my fault,” I admitted, my voice a hoarse whisper. “Luca left because of me.”
Both Kia and my mom shook their heads.
“No, baby,” my mom said, leaning forward to place her hand on my knee. “Luca’s struggling right now. None of this is your fault.”
“But I should have been there for him,” I whispered.
“You are,” she insisted. “You have been. But there are some things we can’t fix for other people.”
“Your mom’s right,” Kia said. “The only person responsible for Luca’s healing is Luca. All you can do is love and encourage him.”
“But I didn’t,” I choked out.
“Because you didn’t drop everything and run to him?” Kia asked. “McKenzie, that’s too much weight for one person to carry.”
My mom nodded in agreement. “You can’t be his entire support system.”
“I don’t know Luca, but I do know you,” Kia said. “You don’t love easily, but when you do, you love hard. It’s just that…when someone’s struggling the way Luca is, sometimes even love isn’t enough to reach their darkest places.”
My mom gave me a wistful smile. “If only it were that simple. If love were enough, Brennan would still be here. It’s just so much more complex than that.”
“But what if it could be that simple?” I dropped my gaze to the mug in my lap. “What if I could—”
“No.” Kia held up her hands as though she could stop the thoughts before they formed in my mind. “You can’t. And I know how much it sucks to hear that. It hurts even more to accept it. But you don’t have that kind of power. Nobody does.”
“Have you heard from Katie yet?” I asked Kia, though I already knew the answer. If she’d heard anything, she would have told me.
“Not yet,” she answered. “But she told me she’d text me as soon as they got to Luca’s place in Kentucky.” Dallas and Katie had told Kia that was where they believed he’d taken off to, and when I’d come out of my panic attack enough to form words, I remembered he’d said something about how he should have stayed in his apartment.
I sighed. “I should try to call him again.”
“It’s still going to voicemail,” my mom said gently. “I tried.”
I swallowed hard. “I could leave another message.”
“I think the best thing you can do for Luca right now is take care of yourself.” Kia reached over and touched my arm.
“I am,” I argued.
Kia shot me a look. “I beg to differ.”
“It’s just work stress,” I said. “What I have going on is nothing compared to what Luca’s dealing with.”
“It’s not just ‘work stress,’” Kia countered. “I think you still have a lot of unresolved feelings surrounding Brennan’s death.”
“He’s gone,” I said with a wry laugh. “You can’t get much more resolved than that.”
“But you’re still blaming yourself for what happened,” my mom said. “And I think you’ve carried that into your relationship with Luca. You can’t save him, sweetheart.”
I felt my defenses rising. “I wasn’t trying to save Luca.” Even as I said it, I knew it was a lie. I’d wanted to prevent him from ever feeling the way my brother did, and I’d failed.
Kia kept her tone calm and steady. “I think you were. And you thought if you could save him, you could somehow save part of Brennan too.”
“That’s not true,” I protested, but the words came out weak, even to my own ears.
“McKenzie, you can’t save other people. The only person you can ever save is yourself,” Kia continued. “And as your friend, I’m telling you that you need to seek help or you’re going to end up in a dark place. I know because I’ve been right where you’re sitting.”
I lifted my watery eyes up to hers.
“How do you think I recognized you were having a panic attack?” she asked with a sad smile. “Because I’ve had them myself. I think the milestone anniversary of your brother’s death last year unearthed a lot of stuff for you. Mine started on my fortieth birthday. I felt like I was moving into a new stage of life, and I guess my brain finally caught up and realized my husband wasn’t coming with me—that we weren’t gonna grow old together. It was a tough pill to swallow.” She took a deep breath and cleared her throat. “The grief I felt was so all-encompassing I thought it would drown me. And it might’ve if I hadn’t gone back into therapy.”
“I started back recently too,” my mom confessed.
I shifted my focus to her. “What? When?”
“After the New Year,” she answered. “Having Luca around…He reminds me a lot of Brennan and the man I think he might’ve become. And that’s a beautiful thing. But it’s also a hard thing.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
“Because the last thing I wanted was for you to feel like you needed to save me too,” she said. “Kia’s right. You need to take care of yourself. And if you really want your relationship with Luca to work, you’re going to have to prioritize your own mental health. It’s like when you’re on a plane, and they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first in the event of a crash. You can’t help someone else when you’re gasping for air.”
“I’m just so worried about him,” I choked out.
“We know you are,” my mom said. “And nobody is saying you shouldn’t talk to him. But right now, you need to let some of the other people in his circle step in.”
“And let us take care of you,” Kia added.
I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell them nobody could help him the way I could, but I had no fight left in me. My body was weak, my brain foggy and exhausted.
“Okay,” I agreed. But no matter what Kia or my mother told me, all I really wanted to do was to save him. To save us .
If there was an us left to save.