Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
“Your father, Jo. He never loses patience, never doubts, or complains, but always hopes and waits so cheerfully that one is ashamed to do otherwise in front of him.” ~Louisa May Alcott, Little Women
N at tapped her leopard print ballet flat against the leg of her office chair, reviewing the grant application for the Clark Foundation. It had been four days since she sat at the Cider House excitedly telling Noah about her idea. Since then, minus the stolen moments with Noah, she’d used her free time to compile everything needed for the application and to develop her plan. The next step was to talk to her parents about it.
Nat picked up her phone from beside her laptop and texted Noah.
Me: Hey Baby. Kissy Face Emoji . If I email you my draft business plan and grant proposal later this week, would you give me your business-god opinion? In exchange, I’ll let you play doctor and I’ll be the patient. Doctor Emoji.
Noah: Hey baby. Winky Face Emoji . Of course, I’ll review it. Also, you don’t have to offer sexual favors for me to help you. I’m your boyfriend, I’ll do it for free.
Me: So, you don’t want to play doctor with me then?
Noah: I didn’t say that…
Giggling, Nat placed her phone back on the desk. She clicked on the foundation’s mission statement to help guide the points she’d make in her proposal and show why her plan fit with the organization’s overall mission to support thriving rural communities. Her Boston friends never understood why she’d wanted to move back to the small farm town where she’d grown up. Boston offered so much, especially for a young doctor. There were ample supplies of hospitals and clinics to work at. Not to mention the many neighborhoods full of restaurants, bars, and clubs for the rare night off versus a downtown with just a few spots open after eight.
Although, two of those spots were owned by her boyfriend, a fact that trumped anything Boston offered. That’s what pulled Nat back to Perry. Yes, here she was seen by so many as the youngest child of Dr. and Mrs. Owens, but the town was filled with her people. In Boston, she was just a nameless face in an ocean of people, but in Perry, she was Nat, Natalie, and to some Dr. Owens.
Here she was a part of the fabric of the community, not just another person drowning under an oversize blanket. Some people adored big cities, but Nat loved her small town and she wanted to support it. To ensure the people in Perry had what they needed not just to survive but to thrive.
“Dr. Owens,” Dad’s gentle voice filtered into her office.
Nat minimized the Clark Foundation’s website and swiveled in the chair to face him. “Dr. Owens.”
Happiness quirked his lips. “I was heading over to the hospital to round with some of our admitted patients during the long lunch break. I thought…” He paused, adjusting his red polka dot bow tie.
Nat straightened. Was he inviting her to come? Since she’d returned, he’d primarily rounded at the hospitals without her.
“I thought you’d like to head out for lunch. You usually just eat here and catch up on charting. Remember, it’s important to have balance,” he said.
Nat shook her head. “No.”
Dad’s hand rose to the back of his neck, his eyes squinted in confusion. “I’m sorry?”
“I should be going on hospital rounds with you.” She stood up. She wasn’t sure why, but it felt important to be standing when she said this. “In fact, we should set up a schedule to rotate who goes on the visits.”
If she waited for her parents to treat her like a colleague instead of a daughter, she’d wait forever. For twenty-eight years, she’d only ever been a daughter to them. It was too na?ve to think they could just flip the label without some prompting from her.
Nodding, Dad tapped his fingers against the breast pocket of his lab coat. Each tap seemed to consider her suggestion.
“That sounds good. We only have two patients at the county hospital today. How about we visit them for an hour and then grab lunch before coming back? We can discuss the schedule,” he said, slipping his hands into his coat pockets.
Joy slid over her, causing a large smile to spread. “Sounds like a sound plan, Dr. Owens.”
“Why, thank you, Dr. Owens.” He grinned.
They rode to the county hospital in Warsaw, the next town over. Nat couldn’t help but giggle as Dad sang along to Taylor Swift on the radio. He was just as much of a Swiftie as she was. The selfie of them at a T-Swift concert, her in a homemade Shake it Off glittery T-shirt, and Dad, wearing a bow tie with tiny guitars, sat framed on the bedstand in the Little Red Barn.
This was one of the best parts of Dad. He was like a many-layered, jam-filled cake. On the outside, he appeared the stoic formal doctor, but with his family, he’d let out a hidden goofiness. Most people thought Nat was like her mom, but in moments like this when Dad belted his off-key version of T-Swift music from the passenger seat of her Jeep, she knew she was a lot like him.
After seeing their patients, they stopped at a small pizzeria on Main Street in Warsaw. A basket of wings and a large antipasto salad sat in the center of the red table for them to share.
Smiling, Nat scooped salad onto a small yellow plate. “It’s been ages since we’ve had a solo lunch date.”
“Too long.” He stirred his iced tea with his straw. “Maybe we can make this a thing with the schedule. We can rotate, but maybe we should have one day when we do together. I enjoyed rounding with you today.”
“That would be nice.” Nat speared the lettuce with her fork. “Thanks for agreeing to let me come and to the schedule.”
“Agreeing?” he chuckled. “You make it sound like an imposition. I’ve been hoping you’d ask to come.”
Placing her fork down, she leaned against the black leather seat. “Waiting? How come you just didn’t ask me to come?”
“I didn’t want to push you. I wanted to give you time to settle in.”
“Why?” The questions buzzed through her. Was it because you worried that I wasn’t ready? Was it because you weren’t ready? Each remained inside her as he went on.
A heavy sigh fell out of him. “I had pushed Clayton to be pre-med at Cornell. I was so excited about sharing this with one of my children.” He motioned around them as if they sat in the clinic, not a pizzeria. “When he’d chose not to go to medical school, I had felt rejected, and it strained our relationship for a long time.”
Nat nodded. For years, there had been tension between father and son. Clayton thought he’d disappointed their dad when he’d chose to become a veterinarian instead of a family medicine doctor like their father. Dad thought Clayton’s choice was a rejection of a relationship with him. It wasn’t until last year that the two had finally talked. Sharing their truths had formed a stronger bond between them.
“I was so happy when you said you wanted to become a doctor, but I didn’t want to push you. I didn’t want you to think my pride…my love for you was contingent on you becoming a doctor.”
“I worried it was because I wasn’t Evan.” The confession was so quiet that she feared he’d not heard and feared even more that he had.
“What?” Regret shimmered in his blue eyes.
“I’m sorry…” she started and then stopped herself. How often had she apologized for mentioning Evan and then changed the subject? How often had she said things were fine when they weren’t? How frequently had she wished to be brave?
You are brave. You just need to let yourself be. Noah’s words whispered in her ear as if encouraging her to keep going.
“No, I am not sorry.” She shook her head. “When Evan was alive, the two of you would talk for hours about his medical school courses and plans for the clinic after he came back. Mom and you would talk about early retirement, but with me, you did none of that. When Noah’s dad mentioned the idea of retirement, Mom and you squashed it quickly. Is it because you don’t think I can do it? Is it because I’m not Evan?”
The words choked her as they came out, but she kept her gaze fixed on him. Gray clouds rolled in his eyes, and his smile wobbled.
“No.” His voice came out low and hoarse. “I lost one child and felt like I was losing another. I was not going to risk you.” Tears welled in his eyes.
“Dad…I’m sorry…I?—”
He reached for her hand, grasping it. “Do not apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry. I never want you to ever feel like that. You are not Evan, but Evan was not you. I was blessed with three amazing children. Each of you is so different from one another, yet all three are equal in the gifts you’ve given your mother and me. Clayton is so stoic, thoughtful, and protective. Evan was charming and effervescent. You are all those things. You are love in motion. Everything you do is anchored by love and you spread that love to everyone around you.”
Nat swiped at the tears pricking her eyes. “I didn’t know you were worried about losing me.”
He inhaled deeply and then pinned his gaze on her. “I never said anything. Just like with Clayton.”
“Why don’t we talk about things?”
“Your mom and I came from families that didn’t talk about …emotional…things. We kept everything inside. It’s not an excuse…it’s just how we were raised, and I think we raised you kids the same way. Clayton and I went fifteen years without really talking about important things, and now you and I have gone ten years. I don’t want unsaid things to keep coming between me and my children. I don’t want to be the reason I lose one of my children. It hurt so much to lose Evan. If I lost Clayton or you…” His voice quaked, and his words trailed off.
“We do need to talk more…and we need to talk about Evan,” she said.
His confession fueled her bravery. It was time to take off the Band-Aids and let the wounds heal in honesty’s fresh air.
“At my graduation, you’d asked us not to mention Evan so we wouldn’t upset Mom. We’ve obeyed for the last ten years, but it hasn’t helped. Mom may be out of bed. She may be smiling. She may be laughing. She may be doing all the things that make someone seem fine, but she’s not fine. None of us are. Until we truly grieve Evan, we never will be.” Steely resolve punctuated her words.
“I know,” he whispered, his eyes downcast to his lap.
“Hey.” She tugged at his hand, pulling his gaze back to her. “How about we start with us? Maybe we can talk about Evan during our father/daughter lunch dates…really talk. We can figure out together how best to help Mom…to help ourselves.”
Mom wasn’t the only Owens who needed to grieve. Evan’s death had haunted them all in different ways, beyond just the missing of a son or brother.
He shook his head No . Her heart plummeted to her feet. They’d just discussed how important it was to talk.
“I’d like to have our father/daughter lunch dates, but I think we need to include Clayton in this discussion about Evan and how best to approach your Mom to move forward as a family. I need both my children’s strengths and good hearts to help guide us on this.” He squeezed her hand.
“Plus, Clayton has the puppies, and that always softens Mom up,” she joked.
He chuckled. “She does love being a grandma to those fur babies.”
“Imagine how she’d be with human grandbabies.” Nat grabbed her iced tea and sipped.
“Well, since Clayton and Elle don’t want human children…maybe Noah and you will give her some grandbabies soon.”
Nat spat out her iced tea. The cool liquid dribbled down her chin and splatted onto the table. “Excuse me?” She coughed, blotting her face with a paper napkin.
Is he joking? This had to be a weird new form of a Dad Joke. Nat’s pulse sped up as she dabbed at the table.
The corners of his mouth flexed into a knowing grin. “So, Noah and you are together?”
She waved her hands in the air. “What are you talking about, old man? I think you’re having a stroke. Do you smell burnt toast? I smell burnt toast!” she sputtered, flicking her gaze around the empty pizzeria.
“Natalie Joan Owens.” He arched an accusing right brow.
Oh, fuck, I’ve been full-named.
“If we’re honestly going to talk about things, I assumed Noah would be one of those topics. I mean, the two of you aren’t planning to keep your relationship secret forever, are you?” His tone was warm, but a little scolding.
“How do you know? Is this like fatherly intuition?” She motioned to him.
“I drove out to the Little Red Barn to check on you while Clayton and Elle were gone. I saw Noah’s SUV parked there.”
She tossed her hands up. “That means nothing. He just stopped by…”
“Four nights in a row,” he interrupted, holding up four fingers. “Then, this weekend you said you were going to Syracuse to see a friend, and Scott mentioned Noah was speaking at the Rural Business Conference in…” he paused with a gleefulness that was reserved for men not prone to formal bow ties. “…Syracuse.”
Busted. She raised her hands to her heated face.
“Does Mom know? Oh goddess, does Clayton know?” Her questions were muffled behind her hands.
He pulled her hands down. “Nope. Only me. I didn’t say anything.”
“This is the one time I’m grateful for our family not talking about things.”
“Curses can be blessings, and blessings can be cursed,” he said with a shrug.
“Are you upset?” She fiddled with the gardenia necklace Noah had given her. For a moment, its smoothness felt as soft as Noah’s hand holding hers. He’d promised he’d hold her hand when they told their families and in a way he was.
“Absolutely not. I love Noah. He’s a good man.” He leaned back, his face scrunched in thought. “Over the last few years, I’ve suspected something brewing between the two of you. The way his eyes always seemed to follow you. The way your face would light up when he entered a room.”
“You and your love of detective novels figured this one out before anyone else. I think even before Noah and me.”
Amusement played in his expression. “Yup.”
“I know this is counter to everything we’ve talked about, but I’m not ready to tell Clayton and Mom yet.”
“Mainly Clayton?” It was a question, but they both knew the answer.
“They’ve been best friends since they were in their mom’s wombs. This could change their relationship. I don’t know how Clayton would react to this. He’s never liked anybody I’ve ever dated. I don’t want this to end their friendship.”
“I think your brother would be happy with this.”
“Now I know you’re having a stroke,” she guffawed. “Think about how he interacted with all my boyfriends through the years.”
"Perhaps he didn’t like them because none of them were Noah.”
Nat rolled her eyes. "If only that were the case.”
Dad opened his mouth, shut it, and then furrowed his brows. “I know he didn’t like Duncan.”
She pointed at him. “That one he was spot on about. Duncan was an asshole.”
“Do I need to speak with Duncan? Was he not a gentleman?” Eyes narrowed, his jaw clenched.
“He’s a dick, but I took care of him and I’m okay. Plus, Noah put the fear of the goddess into him.”
Like a proud peacock, he puffed up at that. “That’s my Noah.”
She fought the urge to correct him that he was her Noah and not his, but the warm feeling spreading within her with that statement was too intoxicating. Her concern about telling her family had very little to do with Dad. Deep down, she knew he’d be the one to embrace her relationship with Noah. It was Clayton she was most concerned about.
“Dad, it wasn’t just Duncan. When I dated Tim in undergrad, Clayton called him Tom for two years and said two words to him when they met. Then there was Jacob when I was in medical school. I believe Clayton threatened to grind him into dog food. Anytime I’ve mentioned going on dates, he’s lectured me. Hell, at the engagement party, he told me to put a jacket on, because he thought my dress was too short.”
Dad frowned. “That dress was a little short.”
She rolled her eyes.
“I know…not the point.” He raised his hands in defense.
She smiled.
“You’re right. Clayton is a tad overprotective. It may be best to strategize how best to tell him this.” He tapped the fingers of his right hand on the table and then raised his hand, presenting his pinky to her. “I promise to keep it between us ‘til you’re ready.”
A soft laugh escaped her. It was just like when she was a little girl, and she’d make him pinky swear not to spill the beans about a crafting project she was making to surprise Mom or one of her brothers.
“It’s a deal,” she said, linking their little fingers.