Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
“To be loved and chosen by a good man…” ~Louisa May Alcott, Little Women
A fter the session with Dr. Horin, Nat lounged on the couch, her acoustic chill playlist her only companion. Exhaustion melded with all the feelings roaming aimlessly within her. Sadness for what happened with Noah. Anger at herself for causing it. Regret that she’d lost him. Fear that she was destined to lose everyone she cared about.
“You’re being melodramatic,” she scolded as she sat up on the couch, allowing the patchwork blanket to fall to her waist.
In so many ways, when Evan died she’d lost the people she loved most in the world. Even if they were still there physically, a barrier existed between them. With her family, it was Evan. His ghost not only haunted them but seemed to hold them at a distance from one another. By not grieving, they’d erected invisible walls between them, but brick by brick, they could dismantle those barriers. Dad, Clayton, and she had started. Soon, they’d figure out how to get Mom to pull down her wall, the stoutest of them all.
It wasn’t just her family she’d built barriers against. Duncan had said that Nat had never given him a chance. Not that he deserved a chance, but he was right. Her heart had been closed to him. In her heart, she knew that to be true. Her other two boyfriends had said the same thing. Summer thought it was because Nat was so enamored with Noah that she didn’t let past boyfriends in.
“It’s not Noah…it’s me.” Nat nibbled on her bottom lip and considered her racing thoughts.
She had held those previous boyfriends at a distance. Not allowing herself to be…well, herself. She’d never opened herself up to any of them like she had with Noah. She’d shared almost all her truths, fears, joys, flaws, strengths, and all the things that defined her. As much as she’d given over herself to Noah, she’d still held back pieces. Not standing fully in the light with him, remaining on the edge of shadow and light. That hesitance had cost her Noah. The one man she wanted to not only break down her walls but snuggle with her within them. Letting him in as she took them down as she healed.
A soft knock interrupted Nat’s introspection. Jerking her head toward the door, she shouted she was coming. Tossing the blanket to the side, she stood up and shuffled to the door.
It was Thursday night. Clayton played darts at the VFW. Nat would often join him and Elle, but she’d texted earlier that she was wiped and was bowing out tonight. It was just after seven. The two should have left already, but maybe they were checking in on her before they left. It would be a very Clayton thing to do, after all.
She opened the door. “Noah.” Her heart both ached and sighed with sweet relief at his presence.
Noah stood, hands at his sides. Regret etched his handsome face. Was it regret for her? About her? Because of her?
What have I done? “I am so sorry,” she said, tears brimming in her eyes.
Noah stepped close, pulling her into his embrace. Burying her face against his chest, she let the tears fall onto the softness of his T-shirt.
“I didn’t mean it…I didn’t mean it.” The words tumbled out of her in hiccupping sobs.
“I know, baby,” he soothed, pressing her closer to him. “I’m sorry I pushed you.”
Nat tilted her face up to him, meeting his eyes. “You aren’t my dirty little secret. I’m not scared to tell Clayton because of you…” The icy truth shivered up her spine. “I lost one brother. I don’t want to lose another, but if I have to choose between Clayton and you, I’d choose you.” She closed her eyes. “The reason why I’m scared is that if it came to you choosing between Clayton and me, I fear you’d choose him.”
As soon as the words left her lips, the rigidity holding her muscles captive released its hold. Weakened by her confession, she swayed. Only his strong grip on her kept her upright, even though every muscle cried out to collapse. As if they had no more strength after holding onto her truth for so long.
Noah cradled her face, his gaze capturing hers. “I choose you.”
The pounding of her heart almost drowned out his words. Almost.
“I choose us.” His lips met hers.
“Will you hold me?” she whispered between their kisses.
Scooping her up in his arms, he carried her through the living room, up the stairs to the sleeping loft, and laid her on the bed. Slipping his sneakers off, he scooted in beside her, tucking her into his chest. Snuggling into his nook, she closed her eyes, allowing his soothing pine scent to wash over her like a gentle spring rainstorm nourishing her.
“I can wait. I can be patient,” he murmured, the pads of his fingers slipping beneath her sweatshirt, caressing up and down her spine. “I can do that. What I can’t do is lose you. I can’t—I won’t lose you. When you walked out today, it was like my heart was ripped out of my chest.” His voice cracked.
She shifted up, placing her hands on his face. “I am so sorry. I was being selfish and stupid. I was?—”
“You were scared.” He filled in the words for her. “I’m scared too, baby. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.”
“Neither have I.”
The words hid in her heart. Scared to come out to the light. She wanted to be brave and say what she’d never said to anyone else. Three tiny words that were the Kilimanjaro of feelings. As with many of the tentative steps she’d taken into the world of being brave today, she wasn’t ready to scale that mountain of truth.
Not yet.
Even with Noah’s proclamation that if he had to choose, he’d choose her, it was a risk her brain wouldn’t allow her heart to take.
The photograph on the desk played in her vision. Noah and she alongside Elle and Clayton. What that picture represented was at risk. All their relationships.
What if that picture is the future? Am I willing to give that up? Was there hope for a world where that picture was of two couples, not just four friends?
Her words rushed out. “Noah, Fall Fest is next weekend. Will you take me, hold my hand, buy me an apple dumpling, and kiss me as we wander around?”
They were worth the risk. Even if her voice shook as she asked, she knew the truth with every fiber of her being. As sure as she knew the sun would rise tomorrow. So much more was at risk if she allowed fear, guilt, and grief to continue its relentless hold on her. Maybe there wasn’t a guarantee of a happily ever after, but if she didn’t try, an unhappily ever after was certain.
“Yes.” He pulled her to his lips, consuming her in hungry kisses. After their kisses subsided, he caressed her cheek. “So, are we going to tell them or just surprise them at Fall Fest?” The corners of his lips flexed into a lopsided grin.
“Sunday dinner. I know you and your parents are coming to Mom and Dad’s this Sunday. Clayton and Elle will be there. We can tell them then.”
“Are you sure?”
She was. Even as uncertainty nipped at her. “Yes.”
He threaded his hand in hers, bringing it to his lips in a tender kiss. “We’ll do it Sunday…together.”
Together.