Chapter 4
Mallory didn’t even know where she was going, but she just kept walking.
The intensity of her emotions propelled her forward, one step in front of the other.
It wasn’t until she reached town that she realized how far she was from home.
She paused, taking a moment to catch her breath.
However, the moment she stopped, all the feelings she was trying to run away from came rushing over her.
Her legs trembled and her breath became shallow; she almost dropped to her knees.
In desperation, she gripped the rough brick of the nearby building next to her.
Everything became blurry and hazy as the tears welled in her eyes and streamed down her face. Suddenly, she heard someone calling out her name—a voice she recognized.
James.
Turning toward him, her gaze softened with relief, and she staggered in his direction, keeping her grip on the wall. James rushed to her side and put his arms around her before she could collapse.
His expression flickered with worry. “Are you okay?”
Mallory leaned against his chest and gave a weak nod.
“I—I’m fine,” she said, despite the fragile tone of her voice.
“I just—sorry, this is very dramatic.” Her next inhale was so strained that she wheezed when she tried to breathe.
“I—I don’t know what came over me. I—I think I need to just sit down. ”
“Of course. No need to apologize. Come with me.” He led her down the street, keeping his arms around her. “A lot of stuff closed early today, but I think the library’s still open. It’s just a block away.”
Mallory knew where the library was, but her vision was blurring, and she had to close her eyes a few times as they walked.
In her disoriented state, she suddenly became acutely aware how much she was trusting this man—how vulnerable she was letting herself be with him.
Sure, she’d been spending a lot of time with James over the past week or so, but she had never been this close with someone so quickly.
If she wasn’t so overwhelmed by everything else, this realization might’ve made her think twice about letting James practically carry her into the library.
“Here, here, sit.” He slowly lowered her onto one of the more comfortable chairs. “I’ll get you some water.”
Mallory could feel other eyes on her, and she heard James faintly whisper to someone near the water fountain.
She tried to focus on her breathing, hoping to bring her heart rate down.
She felt like a fool. How could she have so little control over her emotions?
It was also extremely mortifying that James had been right there when she almost collapsed in the middle of the sidewalk.
At the time, it had felt like a miracle, because there was no one else she would’ve wanted to see.
But now, Mallory was filled with shame and winced at her own reaction.
So embarrassing.
Gripping her head, she closed her eyes and counted.
Her body shook a few times and then stilled when she felt a warm, gentle hand on her upper back.
It was James. “Here, I got you some water,” he said with a soft voice and handed her the cup.
Taking it from his hands, she sipped it slowly before closing her eyes again.
“Do you want me to call anyone?” he asked. “Your parents or—”
“No,” she said sharply. “No. I’m fine. I just need a minute.”
James nodded and pulled one of the chairs over next to hers.
He sat down and said nothing for a while.
Mallory just felt better having him close, and it didn’t take her long to start to relax.
When she finally felt like she could put her thoughts into words, she turned to him and smiled.
“Thanks,” she said. “I think I probably would’ve had a full-on panic attack if you hadn’t shown up. ”
“No need to thank me,” he said. “I’m just glad I happened to be walking down the street at that time.”
“Yeah, I am too.” She laughed. “Happy coincidence.”
“Or fate.”
“Or that.” Her cheeks warmed a little. “I’m sorry if I scared you.
I thought I was okay, I just went out for a walk to get some air, but then when I stopped moving, I was just struck by all these emotions and next thing I knew, I couldn’t breathe.
I haven’t had a panic attack since I was a kid, and even then, they weren’t a regular occurrence or anything. ”
“Do you—I mean—Can I ask what happened? Do you know what brought it on?”
She sighed and let out a soft, weary chuckle. “Yes. I know.”
James waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts.
“I just found out something about my parents that I never—in a million years—would have thought,” she said.
“It was jarring, to say the least, and I just wanted to get away from it all... But that obviously didn’t work.
” She snorted and shook her head. “In fact, this is so much worse than it would’ve been if I’d just stayed home and processed my emotions there.
” She gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. ”
He shook his head. “No, it's okay. Really, I don’t mind. Do… Do you want to talk about it a little, or do you wanna talk about something else?”
“That’s a very good question.” Drinking the rest of her water, she glanced around at the overly bright library and the strangers that walked casually up and down the aisles.
Even though she did feel like talking, she didn’t feel comfortable getting into any of it in a public place.
“I’ll tell you about it, but maybe we can just get out of here first? ”
“Yeah? You feel like you can get up?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay. Maybe we could just go for a drive or something?”
“Absolutely. My car isn’t parked too far. I’ll go get it and meet you outside on the curb in just a couple minutes.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
“Do you think you can get outside on your own?”
Mallory thought about it for a second, but she couldn’t bear the embarrassment of having him carry her out of the building in front of these people, so she insisted she’d be perfectly alright and sent him on his way.
*
“I feel like you’re not fully grasping the gravity of the situation,” Mallory said.
It was raining softly outside. Mallory and James had been driving around for a little over half an hour, and she’d told him everything. James listened intently but he hadn’t given her much of a reaction. Mallory wondered if she hadn’t told the story correctly.
“Hmm?” He frowned at her when they came to a red light. “Oh, sorry. No, I can absolutely see why you’re upset. I’m sure I’d be freaking out too if I were you. I was just putting everything together in my head while you were talking. Or at least, trying to.”
She laughed. “And were you successful? Because I have to say, I’m still having trouble fitting the pieces in place.”
“It’s a twisted web for sure,” he agreed. “But I was just now thinking that we must’ve busted your dad getting home from a date the other night.”
“Huh?”
James glanced at her with a quick smile. “When we walked back to your house and we saw your dad getting out of someone’s car. I bet the person driving was the woman he’s been seeing. You said he mentioned having a girlfriend, right?”
“He didn’t use the word girlfriend, I don’t think,” Mallory said.
“But now that you mention it, you’re right.
He was acting so strange when I asked him where he’d been, and I told you he gave me a different story than the one he told my siblings.
” She shook her head. “I was going to say it all makes sense now, but that’s not true at all.
Nothing makes sense to me. How could they keep a secret like this for so long? What were they thinking?”
“I assume you asked them that,” he said. The light changed and he eased into the intersection. Mallory took note of what a careful driver he was, which she couldn’t help but find endearing. “What was their explanation? Did they give you one?”
“Sort of. They said they were trying to protect us,” she replied.
“Oh, and get this! Both my siblings ended up taking their side. I’m not that surprised that Ariel did, she’s always been quick to forgive and forget, but Taylor?
I thought for sure he was going to feel the same way I did. Or that he’d even be angrier.”
“That probably made it even harder,” James said. “Feeling like you weren’t supported by anyone.”
“It did,” she said, a little surprised at how well he was able to pinpoint what she’d been feeling.
Her thoughts and emotions were all over the place, but still, James seemed to just get it.
“The worst part was what Taylor said. He told me that I should understand their choice to lie to us because I was the one who really idealized their relationship. Can you believe that? Using my own dreams against me like that.”
James raised a brow and shot her a curious look. “Your dreams?”
“Of having a relationship like theirs,” she said without really thinking.
“I’ve always wanted to find someone I cared about as much as I thought my parents cared about each other.
It’s something I looked up to my entire life, something I’ve held onto when everything else felt uncertain.
And now I find out it was all a lie! And they kept saying that they still love each other, but how can they say that when they aren’t even together? ”
James tilted his head and scrunched his face; Mallory recognized it as a sign of disagreement. “Okay, c’mon. Spit it out,” she said after a while.
“What?”
“I know you’ve got something to say, so say it.
I swear, I won’t be mad. I’m very curious to know what you think about all this.
It’d be good to get someone’s perspective on this who isn’t a part of my family.
We’re all a little too close to it, obviously, and you’re the only one I trust to give me a thoughtful answer. ”
James drove for almost an entire block before he cleared his throat and spoke.
“I guess, I just think that what the two of them decided to do, and the friendship they’ve kept up over the years.
..” James said in a slow, cautious cadence.
He was clearly not used to challenging someone in this way, but Mallory was genuine in wanting to hear his thoughts.
“That’s a sign of love. That’s a sign of deep respect and care for one another.
They didn’t have an ugly divorce. They didn’t let their differences tear the family apart.
Instead, they just found a new way to navigate life together so they could both be happy.
” He shrugged. “There’s something kind of selfless and beautiful about that, don’t you think? ”
Mallory pushed her shoulders back into the passenger seat and stared ahead through the wet windshield.
“I’m sorry,” James whispered a few seconds later. “I shouldn’t have said any of that. This is your family, not mine, and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I crossed a line, didn’t I?”
“No,” she said, with a slight shake of her head. “No, you didn’t. I’m glad you told me what you were thinking. I’m just mad because I didn’t expect you to make such a good point.”
He laughed. “Oh. Well, if you want, I can try to come up with something else. Something that paints your parents in a much less favorable light.”
“No, that’s okay.” Mallory laughed along with him. “I asked for your honest opinion, and I appreciate you giving me a new perspective. I’m just frustrated, and I didn’t exactly take the high road when I was back home with my family. I didn’t show my best colors. In fact, I was acting like a child.”
“You had a good reason to be upset,” he said. “They just dropped this on you without any warning, right?”
“Yeah, I guess… Really, though, I have no one to blame except myself for how this all turned out. I was jumping down Sasha’s throat even though I’d promised my siblings I wasn’t going to confront her until we talked to our parents.
I don’t even know what came over me. I saw her looking at my dad’s phone, and I just lost it.
I kept feeling like everyone was lying to me, and I couldn’t just sit on my hands anymore and wait for the right time to bring everything up. It was driving me crazy.”
“And you were right,” he added.
“I was?”
“You felt like everyone was lying to you, and they were,” James said. “They weren’t lying to you in the ways you thought, but they were still keeping secrets and dodging your questions. It makes sense you were on edge.”
Mallory could’ve kissed him. She couldn’t even put into words how grateful she was for what James had said. That validation, she realized, was all she really needed. At the next red light, he caught her staring at him. “What?”
“Nothing,” she said, smiling.
“It doesn’t seem like nothing.”
She chuckled and put her hand on his arm. “I’m just feeling a lot better now, that’s all. I have no idea how to thank you, but you’ve made all of this seem a whole lot easier for me to face.”
“Does that mean you want me to take you home?”
“No, not yet.” She looked out the window. “But the rain is definitely picking up, so we should probably park somewhere before it gets crazy.”
James smiled back at her. “I know the perfect place, actually. It’s where I go when I need a break from everything.”
“Where is it?”
He winked at her. “It’s a surprise. Do you trust me?”
She felt her heart skip a beat. “Yes,” she replied, her cheeks blushing. “I trust you.”