22. Helen
Chapter 22
Helen
Emotion burned my throat as I tried to stop the tears from falling. His words were everything I wanted to hear, but I couldn’t believe any of them. They were lies. They had to be. I’d never felt really wanted by a man… and now someone like Jax was declaring something that I couldn’t actually believe.
My hands tightened around the steering wheel as I remembered all the times he’d called me beautiful or traced the curves of my hips or told me how perfect I was. It wasn’t just once or even twice; it was constantly. He never made me feel bad about myself or that I should hide my body from him. I mean, he went to all the trouble of buying me underwear and a dress and those shoes that now sat, pride of place, on the side in my bedroom, as they were too beautiful to hide away.
“I’m going to head to the gym and get out of your hair,” Jax muttered before vanishing into the house before I could even step out of the car.
“Jax, please.”
He was already inside and I reached out to take his hand, but he spun quickly. “Your boys are inside.”
“What?”
“Ma? Get in here. We need to talk to you!” Conner yelled.
This was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to hear what Jax had been trying to tell me in the car before my fear got in the way; before I hurt him.
“Please don’t go.” I wrapped my fingers in his and he looked down at our joined hands, offering me the slightest nod.
“Ma,” Conner yelled, louder this time. Jax let go of me and I blew out a breath before walking ahead of him into the living room.
“Jax, great timing, man. Come, sit while we try to talk some sense into Ma.”
I walked in to find Callum leaning against the fireplace, staring down at his phone, while Jasper perched on the arm of the sofa and Conner sat on the floor at his feet. I looked between the three of them, noticing how Cal and Jas didn’t really meet my eyes, offering me an apologetic smile, while Conner was focused on his laptop that was open on the coffee table.
“Boys, why are you in my house?”
“Take a seat, Ma. We’ve been chatting and we’ve decided we needed to talk to you before you get yourself into trouble.”
I fixed my jaw as I took a seat, knowing I wasn’t going to like what was coming.
“Jasper’s moving away, which means, I become the oldest of us boys left here to look after you in your old age and I can’t let you go on the way you’re going without giving you some life lessons.”
I almost laughed because of all my kids, Conner was the least equipped to give me life lessons; the boy had no clue, but his huge heart usually made up for it.
“So what are we looking at?” Jax asked, leaning on the back of the sofa, his hands so close that I could feel the heat from his fingertips dancing across my skin.
“A PowerPoint presentation. I know Mum loves them,” Conner explained.
“Conner made one when he was trying to persuade me and his dad to get a puppy. It didn’t work.”
“But we got a rabbit, so it kind of worked,” he added matter-of-factly.
“I told you this was a bad idea, Conner.” Jasper leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling.
“Yeap, I’m not really on board with this either,” Callum mumbled. “Mum’s a grown woman.”
“Right, it’s no secret that we’re worried about you.” He turned to look up at me. “And here’s why.” He clicked a button on the laptop, bringing up a photo of me from about a year ago. I looked way older than I did right now and I made a mental note to thank my friends for stepping in and giving me a makeover.
“You’ve got a huge heart and we don’t want you to get hurt. Men are dicks. Not us because you and Dad raised us well, and not Jax 'cause he saves lives and shit. But all other men… dicks. They will hurt you, lie to you, use you… and we get really weirded out when you cry, so we don’t want anything to happen that makes you do it.”
“Thanks… I think,” I replied, wondering where this was going.
“Men want one thing.” He clicked the next slide.
S-E-X
“For fuck’s sake, Con… this is cringe. And it’s why I told you to let me see what you’d written before we came over,” Jasper cried. “Sorry, Ma.”
Conner continued as if he couldn’t hear his brother’s criticism, and it got a whole lot worse.
“Men who want to do this…” He flicked through about half a dozen graphic images of men having sex with women in a range of positions, causing everyone to complain loudly. “They are bad and should be avoided. You don’t need a man, Mum. You need to get some hobbies instead. You had Dad. You should be happy with that. You’re ‘dating’ time is in the past. You’re too old. God, the thought of you having sex with some bloke with a sweep over makes me throw up in my mouth.” He shuddered as if to prove his point.
Anger boiled in my stomach. The last thirty minutes had left me an emotional wreck and before I could even deal with that, my kids were now giving me a presentation about why I was too old to date. I slammed down the laptop. “No. Enough. No more.”
I stood, storming around to the other side of the coffee table. “What if I’ve met someone who makes me happy, lights up my world, sets my body on fire, and gives me everything I’ve ever craved?” My eyes flashed to Jax, but I couldn’t read the expression on his face.
“We’d be happy for you, Ma,” Callum replied, but Conner continued talking.
“But men only want women like you, for one thing. I’m… we’re worried about you wanting to date again. You’ve only ever been with Dad.”
My expression darkened, and the mood in the room shifted. “Women like me?” I asked slowly. Conner visibly shrank back against his brother’s legs. “Explain what you mean… ‘women like me’?”
“Newly divorced. I think that’s what he meant, right, Conner?” Jasper replied, smiling warmly at me before his head twisted towards Conner and he glared at him.
“Desperate, Ma. I mean… I don’t mean it badly, but they smell your desperation.”
His words hit hard, but I wasn’t putting up with this for a second longer. “Conner Christopher Fischer! I am not desperate and I am not stupid and this…” I pointed to the closed laptop. “Is offensive on so many levels. I have tried really hard over the years not to comment on your questionable decisions—”
“Like what?” he gasped as if butter wouldn't melt.
“The cheerleader with the boyfriend who broke your nose. The girl that gave you an STD. The time I had to pick you up from a party because someone stole your clothes while you had sex with his sister.”
“Ma!”
“No, Conner. Enough is enough. I love that you care about me enough to worry, but did you do something like this for your dad when he decided to get together with a woman half his age?”
“Well, no but, he understands how the world works.”
I threw my hands in the air before letting them fall back to my sides. “Your dad has no clue about the world. He can’t work the washing machine, he can’t shop for groceries and he’d only ever slept with me, so why does he get to do whatever he wants and I get a lecture because you think I’m so incapable of looking after myself.”
No one replied.
“I’m not na?ve, I don’t need protecting and I won’t apologise for the decisions I make as a grown-ass woman. I will sleep with who I want. I will mess up and make mistakes. I might get my heart broken, but that’s life. I’m forty-nine. I’m not old, I’m in the prime of my life. I refuse to sit here, like a nun waiting to die because the idea of me having a life, let alone a sex life, grosses you out.”
I took in Conner’s concerned face, and my mood softened. I moved the laptop to the side and perched on the table, taking his hand in mine.
“I appreciate you looking out for me, Conner. All of you. I love how much you love me and I’m lucky that you all care so much, but you get no say in my love life. Not now, not ever, just as I get no say in yours. I love you no matter what choices you make, and I expect the same. From now on, there will be no comments about my dating life or my sex life and you will not use a key to enter this house unless you’ve not been able to contact me for twenty-four hours. Are we all understood?”
“Yes,” they all muttered together.
“This was all Conner’s idea,” Callum announced as Jasper stood. “Come on, dickhead. I told you she’d kick your arse.”
“You boys have the best hearts, but it’s time for you to let me live my life.”
“Jax, you want to come for a drink? It’s the least we can do after subjecting you to talking about our mum’s love life,” Jasper asked, offering me an apologetic look.
I held my breath as I waited to see if he’d stay like I’d asked him to.
“No, I have some stuff to take care of. Thanks though.”
Jax looked at me and I knew that I had to fix what I’d broken.