45. Abi
45
ABI
I’m waiting outside Sadie’s school, still marvelling that this is my life now.
I’m a fully present part of my daughter’s life and this weekend she’ll be staying with me overnight.
I never thought I’d get back to this place, not after Sadie’s accident, when suddenly I couldn’t cope with being left alone with her for five minutes for Dallas to have a break.
Our snails-pace reintroduction to each other has been exactly what I’ve needed to manage my anxiety around having Sadie solely in my care. I appreciate it more than Dallas could ever know.
The bell rings and hordes of children spill from the classrooms. Laughter and chatter echoing around the school.
“Mama!” Sadie shrieks and throws herself into my arms.
I laugh and scoop her up, squeezing her tight before setting her feet back on the ground. She immediately slips her hand into mine .
I want to burst into tears right here in the middle of the sea of children and students.
“Hi,” another mother says to me, a little girl Sadie’s age beside her. “Are you Sadie’s mum?”
“Yeah.” I grin. “Abi.”
“I’m Quinn. This is Ruby. Her and Sadie are good friends.”
“So nice to meet you,” I say, meaning every word.
“Mama, can we play?” Sadie asks, tugging on my hand.
I glance at Quinn and she nods. “Just for a few minutes, Lady Sadie.” She drops my hand and grabs Ruby’s, then they skip off towards the playground together.
“Chances of getting them back anytime soon are slim to none,” Quinn laughs. “Let me give you my number and maybe we can set up a playdate for the girls sometime, and while they’re playing we can have coffee, if you want.”
My heart swells. “That would be amazing.” I pull out my phone and tap the digits in as Quinn recites them to me, then I send her a text so she has my number too.
“This might be too forward, and sorry if it is. I’m just exceptionally nosy, but I don’t always see you here picking her up? And not until recently?”
My cheeks heat. But it’s reality and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I was strong enough to come back, and that’s what matters.
“Yeah. She’s usually with her dad and if he’s not picking her up it could be his girlfriend, or one of the people we work with.”
“We? You work with your ex?” The look on her face is pure horror.
I laugh. “Sort of. We don’t really have much to do with each other at work. The whole thing sounds more complicated than it is, but everything between us is extremely amicable. Dallas is a great dad, Katie is fantastic with Sadie and the people we both happen to work for are incredible. We’re all like this big, weird family. I kind of love it.”
“That sounds amazing. I’m going to need the full breakdown and probably a diagram or two when we catch up.” She grins and I send one right back to her.
“I’m sure that can be arranged.”
Quinn glances at her phone and sighs. “I need to get going.” She pulls a face, then calls out to Ruby who comes trudging back, Sadie at her side. “Lovely to meet you,” she says, giving me a warm smile before turning to the girls and farewelling Sadie, before leading Ruby away.
“Ready to go, Sadie?” I ask and she nods.
“Do I get to have a play with Ruby?” she asks, eyes bright with excitement.
“If you’d like to. I’m sure we can arrange something.”
She squeals and bounces up and down. “Yes, yes, yes, yes,” she chants.
“I can see you’re thinking about it.”
Sadie giggles and climbs into her car seat without argument.
The whole drive back to Wildflower Ridge she’s chatting about Ruby and her other friends and all the fun things they could do together.
I pull in the driveway, heading straight to the main house. I’ve got a venue viewing this evening, so I need to drop Sadie off with Violet before heading back down to the function centre to show a potential couple around.
I park beside Violet’s car and help Sadie out of her seat. She grabs her bag and races up the porch steps, calling out a goodbye as she goes.
I watch her go, leaning against the bonnet of my car. As she reaches the door she lets out a yelp and I immediately go on alert, then relax as Flynn steps through.
“Where’s the fire, sprout?” he asks her.
She folds her arms across her chest and stares up at him, eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Did you eat all the cookies?”
Flynn glances at the fistful of cookies he’s holding before sliding the hand behind his back. “Absolutely not,” he says, mock offended. “I would never.”
“Yes, you would.” She spins away and heads into the house. “You better have left me some,” she calls back, the words echoing down the hallway.
I let out a laugh and Flynn glances up at the sound, registering me for the first time.
“Oh, hey,” he says, strolling down the steps and coming to a stop just a little bit too far away from me for my liking. “Cookie?” He holds one out to me, but I shake my head.
“No, thanks. I’ve got to get down to the venue, but I’m having Sadie this weekend. My first time overnight.” I grin and Flynn sends one back to me. I try to convince myself it’s my imagination that makes it feel half-hearted.
“That’s great,” he says, taking a huge bite of cookie.
“Do you want to come and hang out with us for a bit? Maybe watch a movie or something?”
I’ve missed him something terrible this week, even though I’ve been trying to lose myself in work and Sadie. It hasn’t worked and at the back of my mind there’s been this longing ache that I know can only be filled by one thing: more time with Flynn.
Not just the physical part of our relationship, but just him in general. His humour and bad jokes, his sense of fun and adventure, the way he looks after me but never hesitates to push me outside of my comfort zone.
I miss all of that. I miss him, and while that should be sounding alarm bells, because this is how friends with benefits arrangements always go bad, I ignore them.
Flynn chews slowly and eventually swallows. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Abi.”
Not Rosie. Abi. At least it wasn’t Abigail, I suppose.
I open my mouth to ask why, but he answers before I even have to ask.
“We’re fuck buddies. Friends who hook up. I’m not the guy you bring around when you’re with your daughter.” He sounds so bitter, not like the Flynn I’ve come to know and lo—oh shit. Love.
I might be ignoring the alarm bells, but can I ignore I’ve fallen in love with him? Right as he’s apparently decided to not just push me away, but shove me.
“I think this mutually beneficial arrangement should probably end now,” he says, gesturing between us. “I’ve got to get back to work, but I’m really happy things worked out for you and Sadie. You deserve it.”
He spins on his heel and strides away. A moment later I hear his motorbike engine kick to life and he tears off down the farm, driving way, way faster than normal.
I’m left standing in the driveway, right in front of the main house, my heart feeling like it’s been trampled, and tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.
I climb back into my car and head around to the function venue. As I pass under the Wildflower Ridge sign on the main gate, the tears spill over, my control on them finally slipping.
I let myself cry until I turn into the road that leads up to the function centre, then I take several deep breaths and push aside all those emotions.
I’m strong enough to get through this. I’ve made it through everything else life has thrown at me.
I’ll give Flynn some space, then hopefully we can rebuild our friendship.
And these feelings I have will fade over time.
They have to.