You just have to breathe
Max slowly lowered himself into the cold plunge tank, feeling the now familiar intense freezing cold water.
In the tank next to him was Bethan, in a black one-piece swimsuit, breathing in and then out deeply.
This was a tricky balancing act for Max, who was torn between swearing quite loudly at the glacial water, while trying to keep it together in front of Bethan.
‘R-r-r-right, yes, b-b-breathing,’ said Max, trying to stop his teeth from chattering.
Once he was all the way in, Max closed his eyes and began focusing on his breath.
He breathed in deeply and then exhaled out in one long, slow breath.
After about thirty seconds, he managed to open his eyes and look across at Bethan, who smiled back at him.
‘You see, it’s all about the breath.’
‘It is a little easier than last time,’ replied Max. ‘With the emphasis on little.’
‘I think you’re doing great.’
‘Thanks,’ said Max, and he had so many questions and things to ask Bethan, but they would have to wait until the sauna.
As much as it was a little easier than the last time he had a cold plunge with the group, if he stopped focusing on his breath, the pain became unbearable again.
Max and Bethann sat in the cold plunge tank for as long as they could, before they got out and headed, dripping wet, into the sauna.
There were two other people in the sauna, sitting on the higher benches, and so Max and Bethan sat on the lower bench together, and after the cold plunge, it felt incredible.
‘This was good,’ said Max. ‘Thanks for inviting me.’
‘I thought it would be a good place for us to chat, while also doing something good for our bodies and minds. Hope’s right, you know. Hot and cold therapy is so good for you.’
‘I don’t doubt it,’ replied Max, before he said a little gingerly. ‘Is there something you wanted to chat about?’
Bethan looked across at him, smiled, and Max felt the attraction between them.
With beads of sweat slowly sliding down her face, her hair damp from the heat, Bethan had never looked more beautiful to Max.
He couldn’t help how he felt about her. Just being so close to her in that sauna, it felt like a physical object between them.
It jostled and nudged them, and made them take notice of it.
The attraction was a thing, but then he thought of her fiancé Jake and the pain and heartbreak she must have gone through, and it was unbearable.
He just wanted to hold her, and tell her it was going to be OK.
‘Actually, there was. After our talk at the pub, and what happened after, I just wanted to make sure we were OK.’
‘We’re fine. If anything, we’re better than before,’ said Max before he left a pause. ‘In fact, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you and Jake, and everything you must have been through the last year.’
‘Ditto you and your parents.’
‘I just, I can’t get it out of my head that meeting you, and knowing you, albeit briefly, how together you seem considering what happened.’
She laughed nervously. ‘I’m good at masking, Max. I, umm, don’t tell everyone this about me, so, God, it’s like I’ve told you about Jake, so now I feel compelled to confess everything.’
‘It’s OK, I want to know everything about you.’
‘I have ADHD. I didn’t always know I had it because when you’re at school, people assume it means that you’re hyperactive and disruptive, but in girls and women it’s so often different.
Growing up, I was disorganised, overly emotional, shy because being social meant being exhausted afterwards, and so for years and years, I masked.
I don’t think I was even aware that I was doing it at the time because it was just a part of who I was.
It wasn’t until I met a girl at university with ADHD, and we started talking that I realised, oh yeah, that’s me. ’
‘That must have been hard, but you’re obviously successful in your career, doing well, and you’ve overcome a lot.’
‘I have, and yes, thank you. I managed to get through university, I moved to London, and from the outside it might seem like I have everything together, but trust me, on the inside, I struggle. It’s like I have a bucket that’s constantly, slowly filling up, and I’m always waiting for it to overflow.
It’s why running helps, and the cold plunge and the sauna, it all keeps me together.
Routines and knowing when I need a break.
Jake was also a huge help because he knew and understood me.
He would know when I needed space, or a break from London. ’
It was heartbreaking for Max to hear her talking about herself like that, and he had no idea she had ADHD.
It was like she said, in girls and women it can show itself in vastly different ways to boys and men.
He would have put an arm around her, but given their location and the fact she was just in a swimsuit, he decided against it.
‘So, you’ve been dealing with Jake’s death by running, masking, and trying to keep the bowl from overflowing?’
‘Pretty much, but I always feel like I’m teetering on the edge.’
‘Me too, and trust me, I’ve been over the edge more than once.’
‘Yeah?’
‘I think that before the accident, I had been so lucky because I had never had to really deal with much hardship or heartbreak because my parents had always done such a good job of protecting me from it. I don’t think they intended to shelter me quite so much, but they did and, in a way, they did me a disservice because when I was faced with the worst pain of my life, I didn’t know how to handle it. ’
‘How could you?’
‘So, I drank too much, pushed everyone away, and became an unbearable arsehole.’
Bethan laughed a little. ‘I’m sure you weren’t that bad.’
‘Oh, I was. I’m still dealing with it now. I’m much better than I was, but I still have days when I get so angry at the world for what happened. I question why them. I also never had to mask like you, and so I don’t think I have that skill.’
‘I’m not sure it’s a skill, Max. It’s just how I survive life.’
Max and Bethan sat in the sauna, sweating, in peace and quiet for a minute.
The two other people in the sauna left, and so it was just them.
Max felt a closeness with Bethan that he hadn’t felt with anyone for some time, perhaps ever.
Even with Emma, despite them being together for almost a year, he hadn’t ever been so emotionally honest with her.
Perhaps it was because he knew that Bethan could understand his pain, and he hers, and it brought them closer than Max thought possible.
He really felt like he could tell her anything.
‘What was Jake like?’ Max asked after a moment, and when he looked at her, she smiled at him. A wonderful, beautiful smile that was tinged with a tragic sadness.
‘Jake was amazing, the perfect boyfriend in so many ways. We first met at uni in Manchester, and from the moment we locked eyes across the Student Union bar, I knew he was the one. He was studying sports science, and wanted to be a personal trainer. He loved health, fitness, was dedicated to it, and was determined to help people. Jake was a giver, and he would do anything for anyone. I know that if he hadn’t died, we would have been together forever. ’
‘He sounds perfect.’
‘Yeah, he was. What about your parents? What were they like?’
‘Oh, wow, Mum and Dad. Let me see. Well, Mum was an incredible snob, but in the nicest most English way imaginable. She was kind, funny, and clever. She was definitely smarter than Dad, but she let her career take a back seat to his to make sure she was there for me growing up. Dad was more laid back, loved golf, and going to the pub, especially in the summer. I suppose he was a man of simple pleasures really. The main thing, I think, is that we always, no matter what, sat down for dinner together every single night. Mum was a brilliant cook, and yeah, I don’t know if I appreciated it at the time, but looking back now, I really do. ’
‘They sound like great parents.’
‘They were,’ replied Max, with a nostalgic, faraway smile on his face. ‘But, like I said, maybe they were too good, too protective.’
‘I don’t think you can label them as caring too much. Obviously, they loved you a lot, and just wanted to protect you from the world. I wouldn’t blame them for that. I’ll probably do the same with my own children one day.’
‘Right, yeah, me too,’ said Max, feeling the heat that was beginning to overwhelm.
‘You know, one of the most difficult parts of losing Jake was that I persuaded him to go away that weekend. He’d had a busy week, was tired, and he said that what he really wanted more than anything was a weekend at home with me, but I told him to go.
He hadn’t seen that group of friends for a while, and I told him he’d regret it if he didn’t make the effort.
I made him go, and if it hadn’t been for me, then he would still be alive. ’
‘I know what you mean. People always tell you that you can’t think like that, can’t blame yourself, but you do.
The morning my parents died, Mum rang me from Leigh Delamere services.
I was still asleep, so didn’t answer it, but if I had, if we had spoken for a few minutes, then they wouldn’t have been at that exact spot on the motorway when the lorry hit them.
I know that it isn’t my fault, but every time I play that morning back in my head, I just tell myself to wake up because I heard my phone ringing.
I was barely awake, but I heard it and decided to let it go to voicemail.
If I had just answered, they would still be alive. ’
‘And you wouldn’t be sitting here with me,’ said Bethan.
‘Right, yes. I wouldn’t be sitting here with you,’ replied Max, and they looked at each other, their eyes locking in that moment of shared grief, and it took all of his willpower not to lean across and kiss her, but he knew that wasn’t what she wanted or needed at that moment.
Instead, she said they should get up and do another cold plunge, which is exactly what they did.
Going from the hot into the cold, and then back again, it was like Max was shedding layers of himself.
They spoke more about their grief, and then they moved on to the now and what they wanted to do next with their lives.
It felt symbolic that they were in a scorching hot sauna, dripping in sweat, while letting so much emotion inside of them go.
Talking with Bethan felt to Max like the easiest thing in the world, and he almost forgot about the heat because he was so focused on her.
They sat in the sauna, sweating, talking, becoming closer and closer, their friendship blossoming in a way that neither of them had expected, but both knew was a real gift from the universe.