Chapter 2 #2
He looks at me with pain written all over his face as he runs his fingers through his overgrown brown hair. “Honestly, I’m shitting bricks.”
I wince. “That sounds painful. I shit out an entire intact burrito once, and that was rough. Bricks sound even worse.”
He cracks a small smile. “You’re a dope.”
“I know. Speaking of giant shits, I’m gonna walk my girl while you finish breakfast. Then we can head to the gym.”
“Why do you need to walk her? You have a doggie door.”
I give him a look of disbelief. “It’s our special quality time every day. While the doggie door affords me a little freedom, my best girl still expects some QT with Daddy. It will be a short walk, I promise. Don’t worry, I already ate my celery while I was cooking.”
He rolls his eyes even though he knows my thoughts on eating a daily dose of celery, which Chef Benny always keeps on hand.
Vance raises an eyebrow from the bench where he’s lifting a heavily weighted bar in our team gym. “Does that crap really work?” he asks.
I nod as I sit back in the leg press machine with a huge smirk on my face. “Every. Damn. Time.”
Coach Jeffries walks into the oversized gym.
Coach is in his mid-to-late forties. He’s got dark, wavy hair and a beard.
Both have a smattering of grey. He works out with us almost every day and can likely outlift half the guys on the team.
He’s been my coach since my rookie year, and, despite his sometimes-weird personality, I love him like a second father.
He got divorced a few years ago. Even though he doesn’t lack the attention of women, I don’t think he indulges much. I’ve tried to push him on that front, but he’s reluctant for some unknown reason.
He has a daughter who plays professional basketball for a team out of New York City.
In all the years he’s coached me, I’ve never once met her.
I’ve heard they have a strained relationship, though he never talks about it.
His son, Pierce, is seventeen. He’s a good kid who grew up hanging out in our locker room.
Coach immediately asks, “What works every damn time?”
I wiggle my eyebrows. “Every first kiss with a woman. I break it up before they can and tell them it was a solid B+. They get so flustered and competitive that they beg for another chance to show me they’re an A.
It’s always aggressive and turns into much more than kissing… if ya know what I mean.” I wink at him.
Coach narrows his eyes at me. “You know, Humblecut, I’ve always assumed the thing that would eventually break me is having to constantly enter my email address and password into my television via the remote control, but it might end up being your dating stories.”
I chuckle, but he shakes his head. “Women aren’t objects to toy with, Humblecut. You should be looking for the right woman, not the right-now woman. Don’t you believe in monogamy?”
I twist my lips. “Of course I do. I’ve got a table made out of it at home.”
Vance and Beau spit in laughter. I snap my head toward Beau. He doesn’t normally laugh at my silly jokes.
My teammate and close friend, Beau Fudd, is a walking contradiction.
The guy must be at least six feet eight inches and weigh well over three hundred pounds, all of which is muscle.
He wears his dirty-blond hair super short, unlike me—I have a different hairstyle every week since my hair grows freakishly fast. People assume he’s a meathead, but he’s the exact opposite.
He’s a genius. A genuine 150 IQ genius with multiple degrees, currently working toward his PhD.
“I can’t believe you laughed at my joke.”
He raises an eyebrow. “I laugh at clever jokes, not ridiculous ones. That was clever. Unlike the other day when you asked what do you call a deaf gynecologist?”
I smile. “A lip reader. I think it’s brilliant,” I proudly declare.
Beau shakes his head. “No, that’s ridiculous.
I prefer thought-provoking comments. You can make sexual innuendos yet still be thought-provoking.
They’re not mutually exclusive. Like, did you know orgasms dump oxytocin into a woman’s brain, which is why they become more attached and cuddlier after an orgasm?
If you want a woman addicted to you, do your job as a man, and she’ll be all yours. ”
I twist my lips. “So if I don’t want a woman to get attached, I shouldn’t make her come? Hmm, that is thought-provoking, Fudd.”
He scowls at me but eventually turns his attention to Coach. “Coach, I saw on the news this morning that your daughter is going to be playing for the Beavers. You must be excited.”
Coach nods. “We’re thrilled to have Kennedy come home.
She’s not big on visits. I’d love to get to see her more often.
” His face lights up. “She’s such a talented athlete.
Better than any of you knuckleheads. She’s great at everything.
I’m hoping to get her to join my pickleball league.
No one will expect her to be as good as she is.
That’s the story of her life. Always underestimated. ”
Vance and I exchange bemused glances. Coach loves that old-man sport of pickleball.
He plays all the time. He’s tried to get us to play on a few occasions, but we always make excuses.
We feel like it’s one step from retirement.
When I’m eighty and can’t move anymore, I’ll learn to play that so-called sport.
“I didn’t know Kennedy got traded to the Beavers,” I admit. “I look forward to finally meeting her.”
Coach narrows his eyes at me. “Stay away from my daughter.”
I chuckle as I hold my hands up in defeat. “No ill intentions, I promise.”
I turn to Presley. “You happy to have your girl playing in town? I heard the good news.”
Our placekicker smiles widely. “Estoy tan feliz. I’m so damn happy to have my girl home all summer. The dual residency has wreaked havoc on our relationship. Now that we have the baby, it will be so much better this way. I feel like a huge amount of stress has been lifted from my shoulders.”
I give him a genuine smile. Presley is a good man who loves his wife, even though they bicker at times. “That’s awesome, buddy.”
He nods. “Yep, we’re having a celebratory dinner tonight.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m not sure yet.” He winks. “Let me give you a pro marriage hack. Never ask your wife where she wants to eat.”
“Why?”
“She’ll get pissed that you can’t read her mind as to what she wants. What I do say is, guess where I'm taking you? And whatever she says is where we go. It makes me look like the most attentive husband.”
I chuckle. “That’s kind of genius. And good advice. My dad gave me great advice recently. He said if it flies, fucks, or floats, it’s easier to rent it.”
Vance and Presley snort in laughter, but Coach looks at me with pure venom and mouths, “Stay away from my daughter.”
Beau rolls his eyes at my antics and tells Presley, “You should take her to that new place that opened on South Street. It’s very good. They have a high-protein section of the menu.”
Coach scoffs. “South Street? Parking is horrible down there. I’m at an age where not finding parking is reason enough to go home.”
I let out a laugh. Coach makes fun of his age all the time. In fact, he loves to talk about Gen X and how different they are than us.
Presley smiles. “Like I said, my wife is picking the restaurant; she just doesn’t know it yet.”