Chapter 15 #2
Fancy. Expensive. Too much for me.
“It’s not enough,” he said. “But it will do, for now.”
What did that even mean? “It’s full of diamonds.” And one very big sapphire gleamed in the middle of the diamonds.
“Loyalty. Trust.”
She glanced up at him.
“That’s what a sapphire is supposed to symbolize. Given our unique relationship, I thought the sapphire fit us. I will be loyal to you, Lily. Always. And I want you to trust me.”
“I’ll be loyal to you.” She would be. “But will you trust me?”
“Yes.”
The ring was slightly cool against her skin, and the fingers that still held hers—his slightly callused fingertips—were warm.
“There’s a tracking device in the ring,” he told her.
She’d rather thought there might be.
“If you ever get taken, I will find you.” His head lowered toward hers. “Then I will kill the sonofabitch who took you.”
“You say the sweetest things.”
His eyes widened. His gaze searched hers, harder. “Lily, you just joked with me.”
“I can do that, occasionally.” Very, very occasionally.
His smile teased at his lips. But his dimples didn’t bloom.
“You have a tracker on you, too, don’t you?” she asked him.
“Um. I have quite a few trackers. One in my watch. One in my cuff links. One in a tie pin. Sort of depends on the day, but I will always have one close.” His lips twisted.
“I should have said one was in my cuff links. But I lost my favorite cuff links somewhere at the cabin when the killer took us.”
So the cuff links had been how Desmond tracked him. “You wanted the killer to take you.”
His head cocked to the right. “I give you an engagement ring, and you immediately start talking about killers. I’d hoped for a different response.”
Had he really? Or was he just trying to distract her? “What sort of response did you want?”
“You vowing to love me forever would have been great.”
She blinked.
His full dimples flashed at her. “That was a joke, Lily. I make them, too. Actually, I make them a lot more often than you do.”
“I…” She swallowed because her mouth had gone way too dry.
You vowing to love me forever. “I don’t…
I am never going to be the one laughing in the middle of a room.
” That sounded awkward. Fair enough, she felt awkward.
Awkward, and Lily was too aware of the ring.
“I will never joke easily. An occasional joke is all that you’ll get from me.
And, yes, my whole life, I have always been told that I am far too serious. ”
His dimples slowly faded.
“But that is who I am. You grow up with a mother who is a killer…you grow up always sensing something beneath the surface, always feeling like you have to be perfect or that something very bad can happen…and you don’t joke a lot.
You don’t smile easily. Instead, you overthink.
You worry. You try to plan for every scenario so that you can be safe.
So that the people around you will be safe.
And then one day, you realize that you don’t even really know how to laugh anymore.
Not like other people. Because you will never be carefree like them.
” You wonder if you can ever be happy. She didn’t say that last part, though.
She’d finally managed to clamp her lips shut.
Too much oversharing. Sloane would have been shocked. Lily was shocked.
He let go of her hand. Took a step back.
She’d revealed far too much. Why on earth had she done that?
Sloane is the one who laughs easily. Sloane is the one who smiles. Sloane is—
She wears a mask. Sloane learned to mask when she was a teen, and she does it like a pro.
Lily didn’t like to bother with masks.
As he stared at her, Atlas’s expression hardened. Then, seemingly through gritted teeth, he questioned, “Do you think I want you to fake smiles with me? To fake any damn thing with me?”
She backed up. Hit the side of the bed. “I—” Lily stopped. “No, no, of course not.” Why had she said anything to him about—
“I fucking don’t. If you smile, I want it to be real. I want you to mean it. I want you to mean everything that you do or say with me.”
Okay.
“But, hell, yes, I would like for you to smile. I would like for you to be happy, and I have no idea why. My whole life, I’ve never cared if most people are happy or sad. Bored or thrilled. But for some reason, you matter.”
Her heart began to beat faster.
“So, yes, fuck it all, I do want to see you smile. I want to hear you laugh. But I want it to be real. I want all of you to be real with me. No pretending. No holding back because you think I won’t be able to handle the monster that lurks inside of you.
The one that you can feel inside, pushing and growing in those weak moments that you told me about before. ”
He was going back to that, now?
“The one that wants you to stop being good. To just let go.” His hand rose again. This time, though, his fingers slid under her jaw as he tipped back her head. “You keep your control every single moment, don’t you?”
No, she didn’t, not with him. And when she’d let her control break in the past…
David Warren.
She’d done something bad. Something that she would never be able to forget.
“You guard yourself too well, Lily. You don’t let go, so you don’t feel, do you?”
Anger stirred. “You’re going to talk to me about not feeling?
If memory serves, you were the one who said you didn’t feel emotions.
” She’d never claimed not to feel them. Quite the opposite.
Sometimes, she feared they would rip her apart.
You can turn them on and off? Tell me how.
Please, tell me how. Tell me how to make the pain stop.
“I told you that I typically didn’t feel them. With you, I find myself feeling far too much.”
That was good, wasn’t it? Or could it be very bad? Maybe a bit of both?
“You have to let go of your control,” Atlas warned her.
That was something that terrified Lily. She shook her head.
“Do you ever do it?” he asked. “Just let go?”
Not if she could help it. “Bad things happen,” she whispered.
“Not with me. Because I’ll keep you safe.” His fingers skimmed over her skin. His thumb brushed across her lips. “Do you let go with your lovers, sweet Lily?”
No. She didn’t. She wanted to let go. She wanted to stop caring and overthinking and worrying and just get lost to pleasure with a lover, but she never had. Her head shook.
His thumb slid over her bottom lip with the slight movement. “Not even with that jackass Gage?”
No. Though she’d come close with him—
“Know what? Let’s not fucking ever talk about him with you again, shall we? It’s the best plan if we want him to keep living. Though, I am happy to eliminate him at any time.”
Her tongue licked his thumb.
He sucked in a quick breath.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean,” she chided him.
Atlas was just trying to be outrageous. To frighten her away from him.
Didn’t he realize she could see the truth?
He thought he was too dangerous, and he was trying to warn her away.
That wasn’t a villain thing to do. The villain didn’t tell you to run so you could stay safe.
A villain grabbed you and didn’t let go no matter what you did.
“I would kill for you in an instant.” He stared straight at her. “Never doubt that.”
Staring into his eyes, she did not doubt his words. Not even for a minute. He would kill.
“Tell me about your orgasms, sweets.”
What?
She jerked her chin away from his hold. Lily would have backed away, again, but the bed was right there, blocking her retreat.
“They’re not something to brag about, huh? Because you’ve been with dumbasses? Because you couldn’t let go with them?” His arms were at his sides now.
“They are fine,” she said. “My orgasms are fine.” How were they having this conversation?
He whistled. “Oh, fuck, that’s terrible. If I ever give you a fine orgasm, punch me in the face. Seriously, right in the face, and then I will do a thousand times better than fine.”
No, he didn’t understand. “It’s…me. I can’t—” A huff of air as she exhaled in frustration. “I can’t be in the moment. I can’t shut off my thoughts.”
“Then use those thoughts. If you can’t shut them off, then focus on me.
When I’m fucking you, think about me and what I’m doing.
Think about how it feels. Think about what you want.
Think about my tongue sliding over your clit.
Again and again.” His voice deepened. Went guttural.
“Think about my tongue sliding into you. My fingers and my tongue and—know what? Screw it. I’ll prove to you that your orgasms should be far, far better than fine. ”
His hands flew up and locked around her waist. He lifted her up, holding her easily before he dropped her right into the middle of the bed. Then he was on top of her, hands moving to either side of her body, his powerful legs between her spread thighs as he crouched over her.
What is happening? What is happening? Things had gotten out of control in an instant. All because she’d said her orgasms were fine. And now he was between her legs. Looking all sexy and tough and like he truly wanted to eat her alive.
Her sex quivered. Oh. “F-forty-eight hours haven’t passed yet.” The only thing she could think to say. Her heart raced. And a heavy ache grew deep inside of her.
“I’m not fucking you, not with my dick, anyway. I’m putting my mouth on you.”
She stopped breathing.
“My tongue is going in you.”
You have to breathe, Lily. In and out. Breathe.
“Fingers and tongue, and I am going to do nothing but give you pleasure. Don’t you want that, Lily? Pleasure just for you? Don’t you want to let go and explode into a million pieces as you forget everything else and just let the orgasm take you?”
She would love that. For a time, to just know pleasure? Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.