39. Lev
Chapter thirty-nine
Lev
I’ve been avoiding the Chernov manor. I’ve been avoiding Nikolai. Because I don’t trust myself not to kill him.
We’ve been friends for years. But I realize now that I’ve been excusing his shittier behavior because of who his father is.
Talking about his hookups like he didn’t care about them?
I’d convinced myself that they knew the score.
When he talked about his sister and assigned me to guard her, he made it sound like he was fond of her and wanted her safe.
Now, I’m seeing what his concern really was - control.
It’s morning in the apartment, and my body hurts all over, but it’s an ache I welcome. It’s the only thing that remotely takes the sting out of losing Tati.
Roman’s been content to let me work out my anger at the underground boxing ring at The Vault.
I’ve been a fuck up for most of my life, but I was starting to like who I was when I was with her. I was a man I could be proud of. Protective, caring, loyal, thoughtful, kind, even.
But who am I without her? Without that? The same fuck up that has a life sentence pending?
Fuck! I don’t want to be that guy.
But I don’t know how to show up as the better version of myself when I’m so goddamn angry. I’m pissed at Niko. I’m living with her father. I’m angry at her mother for not fighting harder for her. And I’m holding onto this anger with all of my strength, because helplessness is quick on its heels.
I couldn’t protect her. I couldn’t protect the best woman, the best person I’ve ever met. And every day she lives under that asshole’s roof is one more day she’s not safe.
Watching her walk down the aisle and marry another man?
I’ve had nightmares about it ever since.
Knowing he might hurt her... I’ve spent the past week either drinking until I’m blacked out or fighting.
If I’m alone with my own thoughts for more than a minute, I spiral, not knowing what’s happening to her.
Niko hasn’t seemed to notice I’ve been gone. Roman’s been keeping an eye on me, while playing the same role as bodyguard, but now for Niko. How he’s able to stand him, I have no idea.
Mik: Meet me at the barn
He’s sent it to Roman and me only. Maybe he has an idea of how to get our girl back. I look at myself in the mirror and hate the man staring back at me. Black eyes, the bridge of my nose swollen, split lip, hungover, looking like shit.
Tatiana would be appalled if she saw me. Shame slithers up my spine.
I’ve been running from my problems and my pain. I’ve been drinking and fighting to avoid sitting with the really uncomfortable truths.
I’m in love.
I don’t deserve her, but she loves me anyway.
She’s married to someone who is not me, Mik, or Roman.
We have no idea what’s happening with her. She could be killed at any moment.
And there’s nothing we can do about it.
There’s nothing we can fucking do about it.
I sigh and feel it in my bones. I want to punch the mirror, but that doesn’t solve any of my problems. I find the half empty Jack bottle from last night instead and pour it down the kitchen sink.
The version of Lev that deserves Tati is sober. In pain, but sober. I can man up and bear this without fighting or drinking. It might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but running away from my problems doesn’t solve any of them.
I need to be the man who deserves her, even when she’s not here.
I take a quick shower before driving to the barn Mik’s been working at.
When I park, he’s waiting outside for me, leaning against the wall. Roman’s already here, too, and they’re talking quietly between the two of them. When they see me, they turn and walk inside, knowing I’ll follow.
The barn smells of fresh hay and horse shit. It’s a smell I associate with Tati, and my stomach clenches low in my gut at the reminder of her. I breathe through the pain of it, though. I’m not running anymore.
I’m surprised when Mik stands outside the last stall and pulls out his phone.
Juliet’s there, one hind leg cocked, nearly asleep.
I know Niko ordered her to be sold, but Mik somehow snuck her here. Relief floods my system. It’s just a horse, but losing Juliet is what made Tatiana give up.
There’s something called a “heart horse” in the equestrian community. It’s a horse that usually comes around once in a lifetime, that shares a special connection with its rider. Juliet is absolutely Tati’s heart horse, and losing her would be as painful as losing your own heart.
Then you add losing school, losing us, losing art, and Tatiana’s naturally depressed tendencies, and I’m not surprised she fell back into a depression. Then she lost her mother.
Watching her at the funeral was the most painful thing I’ve ever done.
Every cell in my body wanted to go to her - to hold her and kiss her and tell her it was all going to be okay.
I knew that if I had, though, she’d have to watch me die at the hands of her brother.
So, I couldn’t. But my entire body ached from how much restraint it took.
Mik’s phone ringing pulls me out of my memories, and when the ringing stops, he turns the phone toward Juliet.
A broken sob comes from the other end of the line, and I know it’s Tatiana. My heart lodges in my throat. It’s the closest I’ve been to her in a month - since the cabin.
I watch, helplessly, as Tati cries on the other side of the phone.
“Mik, you have no idea...” she starts, and jealousy burns deep in my gut. The gentleness in her voice is one she uses only for him.
I’ve been wasting my days fighting and drinking and running away, while Mik’s been making moves behind the scenes.
Why didn’t I think to hide Juliet for her?
He’s a better man than I am. He hasn’t given up on a future together.
He’s been moving in silence. A silent rebellion against the Chernovs and their unfair treatment of their daughter.
I walk down the aisle, Roman following me, wanting to give them privacy to catch up and to sit in this jealousy in the hopes of processing it. I’m not running anymore.
But what else can we do?
The me itching for a fight wants to drive to the Vitale mansion and just open fire. See how far I can get; hope to bleed.
But the man that deserves Tatiana needs to be smarter than that. If I want a future with her, however short that future may be, I need to be smarter.
Stepping back outside, I turn my face up to the sun and breathe.
Until a meaty hand slaps me on my shoulder.
“How you holding up?” Roman asks.
He’s been keeping tabs on me, too, knowing I’m spiraling. I don’t understand how so much has changed over the past few months, but the woman I loved antagonizing has now become my reason to breathe. And then she was stolen from me.
I shake my head. “Not good. But I’m getting there.” If I’m not smart enough to figure out how to steal her back, maybe he is. “What do we do? How do we get her back?”
Even if we stormed the Vitale mansion and got her back, we’d have to answer to her father and her brother.
Giovanni won’t tolerate the slight - his ego and temper would never allow it.
Then we’d have to confess to Dmitri and Nikolai that we’re in love with her.
Which will almost certainly be our death sentence, right?
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I’m working an angle, but I don’t want to promise anything because it might not pay out.”
Every possibility seems like a dead end. And I hate living in the unknown. Is Giovanni going to hurt her? Is she safe? Will she ever get out? If so, how? Does she have to escape herself? How can she without starting a war?
Mik steps outside and passes the phone to me. I take it eagerly from him.
Roman slaps me on the shoulder again before following Mik back into the barn.
I slam my back against the barn wall and slide down to my ass. Her beautiful face is staring back at me. Her eyes are red-rimmed, but she’s smiling. For a good long time, all we do is look at each other. I try to memorize every piece of her, because I don’t know when I’ll get to see her next.
“Nice surprise?” I ask, finally, needing to hear her voice, needing to know that she’s okay.
Her smile widens. “The best,” she says, before sobering. “How are you? Are you okay? Is that a black eye?”
I wince, knowing what I look like.
“You should see the other guy,” I tease, but it doesn’t land. She simply stares and waits me out. I hang my head in shame. “I’ve been struggling without you.”
She doesn’t respond; because she’s been struggling, too. That’s the unfair part of all of this. None of us wanted this. None of us were given a choice or a voice to object. We’re just the ones paying the price for someone else’s benefit.
“Don’t give up on me,” she says, and it’s so quiet I almost miss it.
Give up on her? I’ll be dead before I give up on her. I don’t even justify her with a reply.
“Does this mean I’ll be seeing more of you?” I ask, hopeful that FaceTiming can become more of a regular thing.
She bites her lip and looks to the side, but nods.
“I’m sorry about your mother,” I add quickly, not wanting to minimize her pain.
Her lower lip trembles, but she doesn’t cry. I give her credit for that, my brave girl.
“Thank you.”
We stare at each other again in silence. This isn’t what we normally do. We tease, we show each other love by silent acts of service; we don’t gush about our feelings to each other. But in the silence sits everything we know, but can’t say.
“Want your time with Roman?” I finally offer.
She nods. “Yes, please.”
But before I let her go, I remind her. “I’m not done with you, knyazhna. Not by a long shot.”