Chapter Twelve
Nolan hadn’t avoided James per se after they’d spent the night on the couch, exchanging quiet conversation amid lapses of silence. They’d been touching in some way the whole time—legs pressed together, hands, shoulders.
James’s simple statement had enlightened him about what kept him in stasis.
And yet, Parker had done something similar for years—holding himself back from relationships because he’d been terrified of ending up like his father.
James was a step worse—he’d already lost his partner.
That was why no matter how much Nolan wanted him with every ounce inside, he had to respect the man’s boundaries and his words.
James seemed like the type to dig in if pushed, and besides, that never helped anyone get past their trauma.
Nolan stepped out of the shower, clouds of steam pouring around him.
He stared at the cabinet. To douche or not to douche?
In his effort to forget how much his chest ached with longing around his roommate, he was going on a date with Franco tonight.
Chances were, they’d hook up. It wasn’t like they hadn’t slept together before.
Except that had been a long, long time ago.
He heaved a sigh and began douching, the task mindless as his nerves amped up. He was meeting Franco at a restaurant from around when they’d dated, and he should be excited.
Should being the key word.
Except all he could think of was James’s sob echoing through the quiet of their apartment.
Those elegant fingers combing through his hair in steady, calming motions.
This was a man who had poise and control in spades, and Nolan both lusted after it and envied it in the same breath.
He put his kit away and then tested the faucet one, two, three times before he wrapped a towel around his waist.
When he stepped into the hallway, he stilled.
James was walking in his direction, and his dark gaze heated as he scanned him from head to toe. Goose bumps prickled his skin, the eye scan scorching him from the inside out. Damn, a single look from this man and he was melting into a puddle.
“What are you up to tonight?” James asked.
Nolan’s heart thumped harder. He was tempted to lie—say he was out with a friend or be vague in his answer. But some part of him wanted James to know too. Some part of him hoped James would change his mind. That he’d be willing to take the first step forward. “I’ve got a date with Franco.”
James’s expression shuttered. It hurt to see the warmth vanish, yet Nolan was helpless to do anything about it. Throwing himself at James would only lead to rejection. The ball was entirely in his court.
“You look good,” James rumbled as he walked past him, heading for the steps.
The praise rippled through him, sending a sinful shiver he both craved and loathed. James made it so hard to consider anyone else when he’d slotted into Nolan’s life as if he was always meant to be there. When he stared at Nolan like he wanted to devour him.
Nolan headed to his bedroom and slipped on a black tank, black and yellow flannel, and some slutty tight black pants that made his ass pop.
He buckled on a few bracelets and a necklace for armor.
They were just going to a pizza place, so he could dress for comfort.
He’d need every ounce of it he could get.
Nolan tugged his shitkickers on, the big twenty holers, then he ran a brush through his hair and wound it into a low bun.
He stared at himself in the mirror, his face blank of any excitement.
Fuck. This should be easier.
He shouldn’t still be hung up on James Walker, who’d continued to remind him he was unavailable.
Tonight, he was going to go on a date with Franco, and he was going to see if he could manage to stir up some sparks. Somehow.
Nolan pulled himself away from the mirror, grabbed his phone and wallet from the dresser, and left the room.
His heart thumped louder and louder as he descended the steps.
Maybe he could escape without one last look at James, one last reminder of everything he wanted and couldn’t have.
Already, he felt the prickle of a gaze on him, and he knew exactly whose it was.
Looked like he wasn’t able to avoid James.
Nolan stopped at the bottom of the steps and clutched the rail.
James’s steady gaze still pressed in on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to glance his way—not yet.
His stomach was tangled up, a riot of emotions inside.
Guilt flushed through him along with indignation, sadness, and resentment—fuck.
What made it all worse was that he understood why James couldn’t reciprocate the interest.
Yet, knowing didn’t eradicate those complex feelings.
Nolan finally looked up.
James blatantly stared at him in the middle of the hall.
He was so achingly handsome in his button-down and slacks from work, all of which showcased those big, broad shoulders, a muscular torso, and thick thighs.
James had gorgeous cheekbones, smooth, flawless brown skin, and even darker eyes that crinkled when he smiled.
His lush lips were decadent, his light scruff and buzzed hair making him hotter.
Nolan wanted to be on his knees for this man, wanted to be bent over and accepting a beating.
“Hope you have a good night,” Nolan said, breaking the silence that positively ached between them.
He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. He waited a breath of a moment for James to tell him to stop, to stay. Except that couldn’t happen. His whole body vibrated with a tension he desperately wanted to escape, and the room ratcheted up by a thousand degrees.
Fuck, part of him longed to stay.
To cancel on Franco and exist in the cozy bubble between him and James, where he was safe. Even if the yearning threatened to drown him.
He sucked in a shaky breath and started to walk toward the door. If he stayed, he’d continue punishing himself even more. He’d be stuck in a cycle he couldn’t break, and that wouldn’t be fair to him or James.
Nolan’s hand settled on the doorknob, the weight of James’s gaze making his steps slower and more difficult. It settled over his shoulders as if he carried boulders, yet the man hadn’t said a single word.
Nolan turned the doorknob.
“Wait.”
He spun around to see James mere feet away. James’s pitch-black eyes burned with intense heat that threatened to lick him up.
“What’s wrong?” Nolan asked, his heart thumping a bit faster. Like this, his stupid heart couldn’t help but hope. Like this, he couldn’t force himself to take those steps out the door, even though he should, he should, he should.
James closed a few inches, the air between them growing so thick he almost choked on it.
“I can’t…” James started and then stopped.
Nolan didn’t dare say a word. He barely dared to breathe.
James looked at him, anguish flashing in his eyes for a moment. Nolan’s pulse fluttered fast, like he’d drunk a carafe of coffee. He stayed still, as if James were a doe in the woods, quick to scare.
James reached for his wrist, and he wrapped his big palm around it. “All I can think about is you going on that date. Of you falling for him, falling into bed with him. Of him getting your laughs, your smiles, your flirts, and fuck.”
Nolan’s breath hitched as he stared up at James, who now towered over him, mere inches away.
“When I’ve been fantasizing about tasting those lips from the second I stepped through this door,” James said. He lifted up, and slowly, painstakingly, he brushed his thumb over Nolan’s lower lip.
A full-body shudder rippled through him at the touch. At the tenderness of the motion, and the way James’s eyes heated him up from the inside out until he was burning, burning, burning.
He didn’t dare move. Didn’t dare speak, terrified the moment would shatter.
That whatever spell had been cast between them would unravel.
“Tell me you don’t want this,” James said, the tip of his tongue sneaking out to wet his lips. “Tell me, and I’ll stop. I’ll let you go to him and forget about this completely.”
Nolan swallowed so hard it made an audible click. “I can’t,” he murmured. “Because I want it…desperately.”
James’s eyes turned molten as he wrapped his hand around Nolan’s nape and gave a light squeeze. Nolan’s eyes almost rolled back in his head at the possessive touch.
“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” James murmured, his hot breath puffing against Nolan’s lips.
The inches between them were agonizing, a magnetic tension holding him suspended.
Until they ceased to exist.
James closed the space, and his lips crashed to Nolan’s with the intensity of a thunderclap.
He sealed his mouth to Nolan’s in a soul-searing kiss.