Chapter Sixteen
Oh god, he felt like he was dying.
Nolan’s whole body trembled, and he could barely move. The second the earthquake shook the house, the memories had taken over.
The pain that had seared through him. Being stuck under the shelves for hours and hours in the dark.
Wondering if that was how he was going to die.
He’d come out of that day with injuries that required rehabilitation, and his right leg had never been quite the same.
But what was worse were the scars that remained in his mind.
Ever since the earthquake, he’d been left with these freeze-up episodes, and his OCD, which had always been a mild case, had intensified, with his flare-ups becoming more frequent and longer-lasting.
James sat beside him, holding his hand in silence.
His skin still rioted, and he still struggled to draw in a breath, but the warmth of James’s palm and presence were all he grasped onto.
His right leg throbbed, throbbed, throbbed.
Fuck.
Dark. It was so dark.
His temperature plummeted.
“Hey, I’m here,” James said, squeezing his hand. “Come back to me.”
Nolan sucked in a sharp breath, his vision shuddering. Right. He was in his foyer. Not that closet. The earthquake had stopped. He wasn’t trapped.
“You’re safe,” James repeated again. His voice was low, soothing, and repetitive, but it helped right now.
His body trembled as if he’d tossed back a dozen coffees in a day.
The jitters kept shaking him, and he couldn’t draw in a long enough breath to calm the tightness in his chest. His other hand felt icy cold, same with his feet.
James’s hand on his was a furnace that pumped heat into his frozen body.
Somehow, his body temperature had plummeted, and he could barely breathe.
He forced himself to inhale again and again, each a struggle. James had asked him a question, but he couldn’t breathe, let alone talk.
He wasn’t stuck.
He wasn’t crushed.
He wasn’t in the dark.
Nolan’s body still trembled, but he was here.
“You’re safe,” repeated James, but this time, the words pierced through his consciousness and took root inside him.
Nolan grew aware he was hunched on the floor, James sitting beside him just holding his hand. Talking him through his episode.
Tap, tap, tap. He started to tap his foot as the impulse gripped him, but the rhythm soothed him even more. Cold sweat plastered his forehead, and he shivered again. He couldn’t get warm.
“Do you want a hug?” James asked. “Or is the space needed right now?”
Nolan shook his head and squeezed his hand. “Good.”
It was the first word he’d managed since the earthquake hit.
California dealt with quakes like these, at least a few every year, and he hadn’t figured out how to navigate the freeze-ups afterward.
Several had occurred at home, thankfully, where he’d spent hours lying on the ground, feeling like he was still stuck in that place.
“Let’s see if we can move off the floor,” James said. “Can I pick you up?”
Nolan nodded. Moving away from here was probably a good idea.
James scooped his arms under Nolan’s legs and around his back, then heaved him off the ground.
Since he wasn’t gripping tightly or constraining his chest, Nolan’s body relaxed.
James carried him as if he weighed nothing, taking smooth strides toward the living room.
The smell of coffee lingered here, and the glare of James’s laptop screen snagged his eye.
“I’m going to put you down, okay?” James said, his rich, calm voice washing over him. His heartbeat against Nolan’s ear was steady, and he started to breathe slower and deeper. James lowered Nolan to the couch, and Nolan missed the heat of his body at once.
He rested his hands in his lap, slumping into the couch like he could meld with the cushions. “Thanks.”
“I’m just glad you seem to be getting better,” James said. “Are you at a point where you can talk about it?”
Nolan closed his eyes, which felt interminably heavy as the adrenaline crash settled in. “Getting there.”
Quiet settled between them, filling in the crevices as he began breathing more regularly.
“My OCD wasn’t always bad,” he said, then paused, testing out the words.
James waited patiently, which he was relieved for, as he wasn’t going to be speeding through any sort of explanation.
“Mild case growing up, didn’t even need medication for it,” he continued, and then took another break, just to let the ragged breaths flow through him. To stop his mind from swirling.
“Right. So, five years ago, a little before I started working at Meg’s, I used to work at a firm doing marketing…”
His mouth was achingly dry. He sucked in another shaky breath and tried to wet his lips.
“Let me make you some tea,” James said. “Not to shut the story down, but it’ll help you regulate.
” He pushed up off the couch and walked the short distance to the kitchen.
A little rustling and clinking came from there, and Nolan kept his eyes closed, focusing on his breaths, one, two, three, over and over.
The more he flowed through them, the more his world grew a little less shaky, a little more stable.
In and out.
In and out.
The blackness was comforting, and he lost himself there, in the flow of his breaths and the way his world was starting to center again.
In what felt like mere seconds, James reappeared carrying two mugs, steam furling from their tops. He passed one over to Nolan.
“It’s the mint green type you like,” he said, and Nolan’s chest squeezed. Given everything that had just occurred, he’d forgotten about the distance between them over the past few days. Though, it seemed as if that had dissolved, at least for now.
“So I was working at this firm,” Nolan continued, the warmth of the mug permeating into his ice-cold palms. This was exactly what he’d needed. “Grabbing something from the break room, when a bad earthquake hit. The light wasn’t on, and the shelves fell. Pinned…”
Memories flashed in a barrage, stealing his breath until he managed to calm himself down. James rested a hand on his, and the contact quieted him, caused his mind to stop spinning. At last, Nolan was okay enough to continue despite his churning stomach.
“I was pinned in the dark, my leg crushed under the shelf for hours. Everyone had been in earthquake protocol, then they’d been dealing with the aftermath. When they finally found me, I got sent straight to the hospital.”
But the experience had left a permanent mark.
Realizing how easily he’d been forgotten and overlooked.
He’d quit the job after that, landed at Whipped, and never looked back.
Ever since then, dating had gone from easy to endlessly complicated. Ever since then, he’d had to reconfigure so much about his life. Ever since then, he’d felt broken, as if no one could ever be bothered to pick up the pieces with him.
James rested his warm palm on his knee, and Nolan basked in the comfort it brought. He’d spilled his guts, had fallen apart, and James wasn’t bolting this time.
“Trust me, I understand inconvenient breakdowns,” James said with a sad smile. “That was what I wanted to talk to you about before the earthquake happened.”
Nolan swallowed hard. He’d forgotten the conversation in the wake of everything that had occurred. However, he was so depleted that maybe it’d hurt less this way.
“You’re the first person I’ve done anything physical with since Andrew died,” James said. “I should’ve known that might’ve been unpredictable, that grief would twist my mind in a weird way, but I…I was so focused on that moment of not wanting you to leave. Of just…wanting you.”
Nolan’s brows drew together. He’d figured James’s reaction had something to do with his past, but this wasn’t the closed door he’d expected.
“I’ve been processing the past few days, and I’m not sure if I’ll be capable of more in the end, but if I am…you’re the only one on my radar.” James stared at him, those serious brown eyes boring right through him. Hope fluttered in his chest for the first time in days.
“Are you saying you want to try?” Nolan asked, the words coming out fumbling and hesitant.
James nodded. “I’m so sorry for bolting like that. Since he passed, sometimes the grief or the panic attacks strike, and I’ve been shouldering them on my own. I’m not used to having to explain them to anyone.”
Nolan’s heart clenched, and he placed his hand overtop of James’s. “You’ve been carrying this all alone?”
His lips slanted in a half-smile. “Do I seem like the type to accept help easily?”
Nolan squeezed James’s hand, heat spreading through him from inside and out. He’d prepared himself for the worst in this conversation, but he’d never expected this. “Thank you for letting me in.”
“Not to scare you away, but I don’t do anything in half measures,” James said. “Are you just looking for a play partner here, or…”
Nolan’s heart thudded. This man. He wasn’t making promises of forever or anything, but he’d agreed to try. He wanted more.
“I’m not looking for anything shallow,” Nolan said.
“If I wanted a play partner, I have plenty of those. I’m looking for a partner, but I’ve also waited a long, long while for someone who…
accepts me. Who doesn’t treat me like I’m damaged or ditches at the first sign of trouble.
If time is what you need, then yeah, I can work with that. ”
James stared at him so intensely his whole body flushed. “Can I kiss you?”
Nolan’s lips quirked. “Promise you won’t bolt afterward?”
A sharp laugh escaped James. “God, I love your wit.” He leaned in and reached around to undo his hair tie. He gripped the hair in his fist, and his lips descended.
The kiss was light for a second and then it wasn’t.
The kiss saturated through him like drops of ink in water, infusing his whole body with the heady warmth, the bubbling joy, and fuck, he didn’t want it to stop.
He moaned, the rumble escaping his lips, and James tugged his hair, the slight sting making his brain fuzzy.
James slipped his tongue in, lapping in slow, luxurious strokes, and Nolan lost himself in the movements, in the way this man claimed him.
He whimpered as he kissed him back with a languidness that came from all the emotions that poured out of him today. They were two raw, broken things, but somehow, they’d managed to find solace in each other.
James kissed him until he forgot the burdens of the day, the mess of earlier, and the complications to come.
He existed here in the moment, free from any tethers except what bound them together, and he’d never felt freer.
He’d never connected with anyone like this before, experiencing a depth and comfort and joy that he’d searched his whole life for.
When he finally pulled back for breath, James nipped his lower lip. A shiver raced through him, and his cock stirred. He shifted in place.
James’s lips curled in a grin. “As much as I’d love to take you apart, I think we’ve both had enough of a roller-coaster today. And I can’t promise something physical won’t set me off again.”
“Can you promise next time to let me help you through it?” Nolan asked, his heart thumping a little harder.
James cupped his cheek, and his thumb caressed his cheek in slow, gentle strokes. “Yeah, I can manage that.”
“Think I’ve got an open night tomorrow,” Nolan murmured, daring to look up into James’s eyes.
The intensity there sent a shiver through him, and damn, he was floating.
He could barely believe any of this had happened, but he also was so depleted from his freeze-up that he floated along in a dreamlike state.
“Want the flogging I promised?” James said. “Only this time, I’ll finish inside you.”
“Mm, what if I want to fuck you?” Nolan teased.
“I can’t promise the urge hits me often, but once in a while I’ll top from the bottom,” James said with a slow, sizzling smile. Oh, hell. Heat rushed through Nolan in a fast and fierce torrent. “Though I’ve been dying to sink into that ass for awhile now.”
Nolan bit his lower lip. “Ngh. This isn’t fair, if we’re waiting until tomorrow.”
“I think you can handle a little tease,” James said, trailing his fingers down Nolan’s chest nice and slow. He paused right at the waistband of his pants. Damn, flames licked him up at the touch, even if he was too exhausted to do anything about it. His cock woke up, and he shifted in his seat.
James brushed his fingers across his swollen length, and even with the layers between them, the touch was electric. Nolan’s lashes fluttered, and he chewed on his lower lip. God, whether James was rough or soft, he ignited Nolan’s bloodstream in a way few others could.
Then, James drew back and slipped his arm around Nolan’s shoulders. “Why don’t we watch something and unwind with our tea?” His dark eyes glittered with amusement.
Nolan arched a brow. “To be expected from the sadist.” His whole body hummed with arousal from James’s presence, his touch, but he liked this game too, the build, the anticipation.
He settled into James’s side, closer than he’d dared before when they’d relaxed here together, and something in him calmed.
Silence spread over them like a warm blanket, and he basked in the moment—in James’s presence, in the unsteady path they’d agreed to walk down together.
He’d expected James to withdraw completely, to exit his life like the others, but instead, he stayed.
James was here, wanting to try for more, even though he struggled with his own demons.
This might all crumble tomorrow, but for tonight, Nolan would hold tight to this peace, this promise, he had found.