Chapter Nineteen #2
James didn’t wonder what he asked about with the softness in his dark eyes and a searching look.
Nolan had every right to want to check in after their first encounter together, when James had handled things the worst way possible.
“I am,” he said carefully. The sun soaked through him, making his limbs loose and lazy, and in this peaceful place, he found the words coming to his lips.
“The panic isn’t setting in the same as before, even though I know it’s not going to magically disappear. ”
“Brain doesn’t work that way,” Nolan said, tracing circles in the sand with his pointer finger.
He looked stunning lit up by the sun, his pale skin glowing, his long, glossy locks pulled into a low bun.
His cock rested flaccid against his thigh, with some light bruising clear on his ball sac.
“Wish there was an off switch sometimes though.”
“I…fuck…after Andrew…” James chewed on his lower lip, not sure how much he wanted to share.
And yet, Nolan stared ahead at the sea, giving him the space to talk.
It was just the gulls circling overhead, the brine breezes, and this miracle of a man at his side who’d helped restart his heart.
“I figured I was too broken to enter into anything again. My mom never dated after my father passed, and I thought it was part of the Walker curse, you know?”
Nolan bobbed his head, tracing steady circles in the sand. James didn’t call attention to the movements, as he was probably in the middle of a circuit.
“But you…” James said, his head clearer than it had been in a long while. Like the ocean washed away excess baggage. “Everything with you feels so natural. And fuck, sometimes the guilt slams me in the gut, that I could be happy when he didn’t get to enjoy more of his life.”
“Punishing yourself won’t bring him back,” Nolan said, the words driving right to the heart of him.
James swallowed hard. “No, they won’t.”
“I know he was a sub, right?” Nolan asked, hesitation in his tone. “Is me being a switch going to be a problem with…us?”
James shook his head. “The only time it would be a problem for me is if you’re expecting me to switch. I know who I am. But in my relationships, I’ve always been engaged in some form of nonmonogamy. Andrew and I both had different kink partners we played with, sometimes together, other times not.”
Nolan’s shoulders relaxed. “That makes a lot of sense, given your relationship with Meg.”
“What, having fantasies of Meg and I flogging and fucking you?” James teased. “I know Tristan would offer his ass up if you needed an outlet.”
Nolan moaned low. “Damn, your mouth is filthy.”
“Only with the people I like,” James said, pushing up to his elbows as well.
“Oh, I’m one of them?” Nolan asked, his voice light, yet the tension there suggested the answer to this was important.
James fixed him with a look. “I like you so much that I’m confronting my emotional bullshit. Pretty sure that speaks for itself.”
“So, are we saying anything to anyone about this?” Nolan asked. He chewed on his lip. “Meg’s going to probe.”
“Of course she is,” James said. “We’re seeing each other, right? I think that’s safe to say.”
Even though deep down, he got the stirring in his gut that this was more. That this relationship had the potential to last, and that terrified him a bit. He had learned the hard way that the promise to love someone forever didn’t mean those wishes would come true.
“Yeah?” Nolan asked, brightening up. “You don’t mind if I tell my coworkers? They’re…well, nosy is putting it mildly.”
“I’m good with it,” he said sincerely. “The people I might need a bit more time to tell are my mom…and Andrew’s parents.” The thought made his chest squeeze, like it sucked the air from the room.
Nolan’s hand settled on his bare thigh. “We’re not rushing anything, so don’t let your mind take you right to the finish line.”
“You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”
Nolan shook his head, a blush tingeing his cheeks. “You want to talk about broken? I’ve had so many boyfriends and girlfriends bolt after dealing with my OCD, especially when it flares. You’ve weathered a bunch of my flares at this point, and that’s nothing short of a miracle to me.”
Anger bubbled inside James. How could anyone make this gorgeous man feel less?
He was kind, clever, and so caring. James had never let anyone take care of him before, but Nolan had snuck his way in by making him coffee in the morning and preparing dinners for the both of them, small gestures that meant the world to him.
James leaned in and pressed a kiss to Nolan’s lips. He savored the plush feel of them, the heat soaking in from the sun above. The crash of the waves created an intoxicating melody, and he savored this moment for all it was worth.
He’d spent a year wandering through the dark, searching for a scrap of light to guide the way.
Nolan had offered him a lamp when he needed it most, held his hand, and guided him back to the sunlight.
He’d be forever grateful to Nolan, who’d left a permanent mark on his heart.
And he’d treasure every second they got together.