Epilogue
Eight Months Later…
James clutched the bouquet of anemone flowers, Andrew’s favorite. His palms were sweaty, and tension weighted the air, as if the grief were an oncoming storm.
The past week had been filled with breakdowns, waking up in cold sweats in the middle of the night, and pressure in his chest that wouldn’t abate.
Yet Nolan had been with him through it all.
He reached out with his other hand, and Nolan slipped his palm against James’s.
This man meant everything to him, and he was so grateful for his presence.
Especially now, as his feet felt magnetized to the ground.
As his chest ached like he’d crumble. And the guilt emerged again, something that didn’t appear often as of late but did in the moment.
Because he was alive and loving someone new. Andrew didn’t have that chance.
They walked along the rows of tombstones to the one Andrew’s family had picked out.
They’d driven down to Sacramento that morning, and Nolan had spent the whole time telling him distracting stories of Whipped antics.
He’d been a thunderstorm in wait, but he appreciated anything to take him away from what brewed in his mind.
At the end of the row, James glimpsed the words Andrew Walker, and the sight sent a jolt through him. He froze, paralyzed.
“Go,” Nolan said, giving him a gentle push. “I’ll wait here.”
James sucked in a slow, shaky breath. He summoned every shred of courage he had and closed the distance to walk a path he hadn’t walked since a year ago, when Andrew had been buried. The nearer James got, the more his whole body trembled. His mouth grew dry.
What could he even say? He ran a palm over his head, wishing the pain wasn’t so strong today. Yet grateful for it too.
Because with the pain, also came the memories. The ones he hadn’t forgotten.
James set the bouquet on the base of the tombstone, and he lowered himself to his knees. There was no way he’d be able to hold himself up.
He stared at the tombstone, and the words came pouring out.
“We never got a fair shot,” he murmured, heat pricking his eyes.
“Not like we deserved. I remember on our first date, you caught me reading Dune at the store and took the chance to ask me about it. And then you took another chance and asked for my number. One date turned into another then turned into dating, and…I proposed, and you said yes, and we promised forever.”
The reminder sent a sharp shard of pain through him, and he hunched forward. Tears prickled at his eyes, and he let the first few slip down his cheeks, hot and wet.
“But, fuck,” he said, shoulders shaking.
“It was so unfair. Watching the way you faded away before my eyes. How your energy waned until you were sleeping through whole days. How your once sharp mind deteriorated, until you could barely string sentences together. Why?” he gasped, his chest aching, aching, aching. “Why didn’t you get more time?”
A hand rested on his back, and James didn’t question for a second who it belonged to.
Nolan didn’t say anything, but he just stood with him as his heart collapsed in on itself, the loss ravaging him again.
Yet, the steadiness served as a reminder that love was not finite.
That it didn’t have the simple beginnings and endings of a book.
That it was tangled in the fabric of the universe, something as broad and endless as the starry sky.
Even though Andrew might not be here, James could still carry the memories with him. His sobs began to subside, the sweet-scented breeze curling around his arms. James sucked in a shaky breath and looked up to where Nolan stood by his side.
“Thank you,” James murmured as he rose from his knees. He wiped the grass and dirt that clung to his jeans, then slipped his hand back in Nolan’s. He stared at the tombstone once more. “We’ll be back.”
He wasn’t sure who the promise was made to—Andrew or himself—but it was one he’d keep.
“Want to go to a park for a bit?” Nolan asked, as if he’d reached in and plucked the desire from his head. “Just decompress somewhere?”
“I know a place,” James said, and he led them down the pathways and back to his car.
He slipped in the driver’s seat, Nolan in the passenger’s, and they set off down the road.
The traffic rushed around him, and silence lingered in the car, but it wasn’t uncomfortable.
No, Nolan knew how to sit with the quiet, which James sorely appreciated.
Because right now, the task of forming words was beyond him, the lingering ache in his chest consuming too much.
Yet what soothed it more than anything was Nolan’s presence.
He flipped his turn signal on and traveled down the road until he slipped into a spot in the parking lot of the River Walk. “We used to come here a lot,” he said, his voice soft, almost rusty.
“I can’t wait to see it,” Nolan said, as he exited the car first. James took a deep breath for resolve before following him out.
Being in Sacramento was hitting him harder than he realized.
In San Francisco, he’d carved out a new life there, even in familiar territory.
But that territory had been wholly his, not the place he’d stored up the most memories with Andrew.
Yet today, he brought Nolan into that place, and he couldn’t love the man more.
They’d melded into each other’s lives seamlessly, and they continued to build a bond that grew more resilient and stronger with every passing day.
Together, they walked under the River Walk archway and meandered along the path, passing blooming purplish pink blossoms, bright green grass, and the burble of the river. The crisp air circulated through his system and filled him with a hope he hadn’t believed possible on an anniversary like today.
And yet, that was what Nolan had been doing for him from the start—planting hope on lands he once thought fallow.
“I love you,” James murmured. “You know that, right?”
“You show it,” Nolan said, staring at the ground and swinging their hands back and forth.
“You always put a blanket around my shoulders at night when I’m getting cold.
You never comment on the fact I check our lock multiple times, or that I might break down crying over where the cups are situated.
And you stop by work just to bring me lunch. If anyone is a man of action, you are.”
James’s heart warmed and grew so big that he wasn’t sure if it’d break free from his chest. Before he could say anything though, Nolan continued.
“Since we’re talking about actions though, there’s one I wanted to do,” Nolan said, tugging out an envelope from his pocket. “Only if you want.”
James accepted the envelope and opened it. His brows drew together as he pored over the contents. Termination of his lease. “What does this mean?”
“Only if you want,” Nolan said. “But you haven’t been a tenant for a long time. The lease end was coming up, and I can’t imagine having you sign a new one. You’re my partner, and this is your home as much as it is mine.”
James’s heart thumped hard. Nolan’s house had been the first safe landing after that terrible storm in his life. The first place he’d found solace. And he wanted to stay there with him for as long as Nolan would have him.
“Yes,” James said. “No more leases, because I’m yours.”
He stopped them in the middle of the walk and pressed his lips to Nolan’s.
The sweet scent of lemongrass mingled with the crisp breeze, and he drank it in.
Joy filled him, as strong as the sunshine glittering off the surface of the river.
James clutched to it like the lifeline it was, because he’d witnessed the darkness too, and he understood how important those instances of respite were.
James pulled back and stared into Nolan’s dark eyes, and Nolan offered him a small grin. God, he loved this man with everything in him. While he’d lived too much to promise forever, James would give him something more important than that.
James would give him his present.
Every morning kiss, every evening curled up on the couch, every night filled with ecstasy.
Nolan was his chance to start anew, and he’d cherish every moment.