PART 2 #5
I turn around, seeing Damon enter the lounge, and I grip the railing behind me. “How’s Winter?”
“She’s okay,” he assures, carrying a box to the table. “Just freshening up.”
He plops down at the table, across from Misha and Ryen, and turns his attention to them.
“Babysoft,” he teases and dumps a box on the table in front of Ryen.
“What is this?” she asks, opening it up.
She reaches in and pulls out an ornate, black eye mask made of metal with black ribbons to secure it around her head. The design allows for her skin to peek through the gaps and has exotic holes for the eyes. It’s more a masquerade-type mask than what we wear. It’s beautiful, though.
“It’s the girl who comes out when you and Misha are alone,” Damon explains. “It’s for when it’s dark and private, and he wants to do fun things with you.”
Misha takes it out of her hand and sticks it back in the box. “No.”
Damon laughs, amused but not shocked. Or fazed.
“Just let her try it on.” He pushes the box back to Ryen and looks at her. “Later. When you’re alone. See if you like what comes out.” And then he turns his gaze back to Misha standing up. “See if she hears it. Maybe you’ll hear it, too.”
They don’t ask what he means, but I know. L’appel du vide. Winter’s philosophy of who we are and what brings us together. Maybe Misha and Ryen are more like us than we thought. Maybe everyone is. Given the chance.
But Misha just sighs and pushes his chair back, getting up. “I need to be drunk to deal with you.” He walks to the bar.
Damon follows, making himself a drink, but he doesn’t bug Misha further. I glance at the doorway, noticing Michael hasn’t followed us. He’s probably ready to wring my neck.
I cross the lounge and step into the head, closing the door. But it catches, and I look up, seeing Kai slip in behind me and quickly shut the door.
My eyes immediately sting, and I didn’t realize how hard I’m holding back until I’m alone with him. He approaches me in the quiet, secluded little space in front of the sink and takes my face in his hands.
He looks at me, and my eyes water.
“I know,” I whisper. “I know.”
“You’re torturing both of you,” he says. “Tell him.”
My chest shakes, and I try to look away, but he doesn’t let me. He holds my face in place.
“It has to be in private,” I tell him. “He’ll be angrier if I put him on the spot in front of everyone.”
“He won’t be angry.”
He’ll be in a terrible position, though. One where he’ll be between a rock and a hard spot, and I’d be asking him to make a choice where both options leave him giving up something he wants.
I need to make the choice for him. I always knew that.
I let my head drop, slowly falling forward into Kai’s chest. “It would kill me to see him with another woman,” I whisper. “What if he marries someone else, and I have to live in Thunder Bay and see them?”
I start to cry, feeling his arms circle around me, and I break down, the dread and anticipation sitting in my stomach and making me sick.
Kai whispers against my hair. “Shhhh…”
But the door suddenly swings open, and we pop our heads up. Michael stands there, and the look on his face makes my stomach sink. He bares his teeth, grabs Kai by the jacket, and hauls him out of the bathroom.
I gasp as he throws his friend back into the lounge, Kai crashes into the table, the vase on top sliding off and breaking on the floor. Ryen yelps, scurrying out of her seat and out of the way.
Michael charges over to Kai, grabbing him again and fisting his lapels.
“Whoa, whoa, stop!” Kai growls.
“Michael, stop!” I yell.
He shakes Kai, shouting in his face. “What the hell were you doing?”
“We were just talking!” Kai tells him.
Damon stands frozen, watching but ready, while Misha, Ryen, and Banks look on with worried stares at the scene.
Michael leans in, speaking low in Kai’s face. “You don’t touch her.”
“It wasn’t like that,” Kai argues.
“Then what was it like?”
This came from Banks, and I turn my eyes on her, her doubt stinging.
Michael throws Kai off, breathing hard, and Kai looks at Banks, fixing his suit and looking exasperated.
“Just hold up, okay?” he tells everyone. He’s not sure what to say to explain himself to his wife and protect me at the same time. I put him in that position.
I step forward. “Michael…”
“Fuck you, Rika,” he says, cutting me off.
He stands up straight, turning his attention on me, and I tense.
“Fuck your power, your schedule, your assistant,” he tells me, “your fucking little entourage everywhere you go, your plans, and your chess games. I gave you too much power.”
I can’t move. Slowly, the bricks of every moment we built together start to shake, and I don’t know if I’m more shocked by his sudden disdain, or the fact that he actually thought Kai and I were…
“And you know,” he goes on, “I wanted this. I wanted you to own it. I didn’t want another version of my mother. Silent, docile, living separate lives. I wanted my other half.”
He looks at me, and I don’t see love anymore.
Just hurt. “And I got it,” he says sadly.
“When I look in the mirror, all I see is your face. I can’t tell the difference anymore.”
He hesitates and gestures to Kai and Damon.
“I’m all about you, and you…? You talk to them, instead of me.”
“Well, you are gone a lot,” Damon points outs.
Michael holds my eyes for only a moment before he hauls off and hits Damon, slamming his fist right across his face.
“Michael!” I shout.
Damon grunts, falling onto the sofa, but shoots back off quickly, glaring and charging ahead.
But Kai holds him back, stopping him.
Michael forgets his attack and looks at me. “I’m retiring after next season,” he tells me. “Will you talk to me, then?”
Retiring? I shake my head. “You’re twenty-five. You still have years if you don’t get injured.”
“It’s time to concentrate on other things. The Cove, our family…”
“We can’t move on the Cove until we get Will home,” Damon commands.
“Will won’t stop it from happening,” Michael replies, planting his hands and leaning on the table. “It’s time to level the property and begin.”
“Whoa, whoa, the Cove?” Misha steps forward. “You’re not tearing it down!”
But Michael slams the table with his fists, shutting everyone up. We all stand silent as he dips his head, staring at the table.
I inch forward. This is my fault, not theirs.
Finally, he looks up at me, his voice softer. “I feel less than you,” he says. “Like…”
“Like you have nothing to teach me anymore,” I finish for him.
He doesn’t respond, so I know I’m right. He’s intimidated that I have more going on than just him.
“I’m not your pet,” I tell him.
I was once, but not anymore.
“Why?” he asks.
Why? He’s asking why I won’t be his pet? Seriously?
He rises and walks around the table, approaching me.
“Because…” I say. “Because I need to be more. I need to be…useful.”
“Why?”
I want to laugh, not out of amusement but anger. I’m not a trophy. I’m not something to play with or program.
“Because I need you to see what I can do,” I tell him. I need to prove myself.
“Why?” He inches closer.
I open my mouth, but I can’t find my words. I know what he’s doing, and the tears start to fill my eyes. I just need to say it.
“Because I don’t want you to be disappointed in me,” I whisper. “Because you’ll be disappointed.”
He stands in front of me, only a few inches between us. “Why?”
“Because I can’t…I…” I stutter, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I can’t have children.” I close my eyes, silently starting to cry as the words leave my mouth. “I can’t give us a family.”
He stands there, not coming any closer, and while my heart is breaking at the life we can’t have, a weight lifts off my shoulders. I didn’t want to do this in front of everyone, because Michael will be the gentleman and assure me it’s okay. We’ll adopt. We’ll hire a surrogate. We’ll be fine.
But months down the road, he’ll start to understand it’s not that simple. He’ll resent the life he can’t have, and I’ll feel like I’m keeping him from something better.
“My cycles have always been long, but…” I continue, “I’m not ovulating regularly. The doctor says it’s unlikely.”
“But not impossible,” Banks clarifies, approaching me. “Have you tried other doctors?”
“Yes.”
Damon steps forward. “Well, once you get off birth control—”
“I’ve been off for two years,” I tell him. “And I haven’t had a period in over one.”
“A year,” Michael says, more to himself. “About how long you’ve been carrying this around, right?”
But it comes out sounding like an accusation before he turns his eyes on Kai. “Why don’t you seem surprised?” he asks him.
But Kai just looks away. He’s the only one who knew, and I understand what Michael is feeling. But I didn’t confide in Kai. He just found out.
He went through the whole pep talk with me.
Michael loves you. You have options. People make it work every day.
Lots of kids need good homes. But people also break up over these things.
Every day. People want children of their own.
They want to make children with the man or woman they love.
I never thought something like this would get in my way, but I’m scared.
It’s easy to say I’m valuable. He loves me for me, and if my body can’t do this, it can’t be all he needs from me.
I’m worth plenty, even if I can’t give him our children, right? This isn’t my fault. I haven’t failed.
But believing those words and feeling them is more difficult. What if he tries but he decides this is just too hard? What if I can never accept that I can’t do this for him?
I can’t look at him as I whisper, “We won’t have any children together, Michael.”
That’s as plain as I can put it. He needs to know the likelihood is slim.
I wait for him to not be angry. To give some sign that this isn’t the end of the world, and he still loves me more than anything, but…
He turns and walks away.
He leaves the room, leaving me standing there with tears on my face. Emptiness aches in my body everywhere. He hates me. God, he hates me. I can’t breathe.
“You knew?” I hear Banks ask.