Chapter 1 #4
Bursting out laughing at the look of complete and utter disbelief –and a little horror –on her face, I almost followed her train of thought, but not even I would go that far, regardless of what my sisters thought.
“No!” I laughed. “I did not put anchovy or mustard in the Wanked Shift. You know how much I love my coffee. I could not disrespect my baby beans that way.”
“I think she loves coffee more than us,” Arthur grumbled, as he stretched out his long, gray fur–covered back legs behind him. Rolling onto his side, he curled up his long body and began licking his manly bits, which was his way of making sure I understood that he was miffed.
“No, she loves Texas Sheet Cake made with Momma June’s recipe more than us,” Chewy corrected, before yawning so wide I swear I could see all the way to the inside of his toes.
“So, we’re second and coffee’s third,” Otis sighed, rolling his one-hundred-and-forty-five-pound, seven-foot-tall when he stood on his hind legs, shaggy, dark gray furred body over so that his butt was aimed my way. “Guess it could be worse.”
(No, as I am sure you can imagine if you have ever owned a dog, getting the butt end of Otis was not a good sign.
He had flatulence that had been described as deadly by more people than I could count or remember.
He was making a point – like his brothers – and I had to set the record straight before the biggest yet youngest of my boys let one rip.
Rushing over to Doggo Corner…
(Doggo Corner was an eight-foot-by-eight-foot space with a four foot wall and ‘doors’ on the two outside walls, I’d had the Handy Man, Ben Beaverton –(Yes, he’s a Beaver Shifter and one hell of a contractor, let me tell you.) –build in the corner closest to the counter and drive thru window where I spent most of my time.)
As I was saying, I hurried over to Doggo Corner, opened the door, and entered as quickly as my chubby behind could move. Down on my knees, I gave all three of my boys snuggles and kisses while cooing, “Y’all are always number one, and don’t you ever forget it.”
When I was sure all was well, and they were happily gnawing on soup bones from Jess, the Butcher, a five-foot-two, strawberry blond, Bison Shifter who happened to be a vegetarian who loved her chosen profession for reasons I’d never asked, I got to my feet and exited Doggo Corner.
Stopping when Zelda held up her hand, I furrowed my brow and was just about to ask, “What’s up?
” when she snapped, pointed her index finger in my direction, and zapped me with a tingling jolt of Magic, sans the snappy Spell that usually came with it.
“I don’t get a rhyme? Not even a single potty word? Is it because I used Magic to make your coffee? About that...”
“Nope. Sorry about that little jolt. I was listening to Mac in my brain.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah, so I’mma need another Wanked Shift, and the lid to my fancy, schmancy, bejeweled travel mug here. Gotta get home.”
Chuckling as I made my way behind the counter, I joked, “An emergency or something?”
“Yeah, I think that’s what he said. It was a bad connection.” She tapped her temple. “I think Mac said the twins were stuck in a tree, but I have no clue which tree. So, that means…”
“That means you need this.” Handing her a fresh Shifted Wank in a thermal to-go cup –unbedazzled, I took the fancy cup I had bougie’d up, rinsed it, dried it, and put it in one of my highly embellished gift bags.
Then I walked out from behind the bar, gave her a side hug, since she not only had her coffee and gift bag, but also the large, black leather Kate Spade bag with silver star-shaped studs across the handles, which I had my eye on if she ever got tired of it.
Waving goodbye as she Magicked out of the shop, leaving a rainbow trail of sparkle, bubbles, and plumes of smoke, I sighed to the boys, “Damn, Zelda didn’t say if she liked the coffee or not.”
“Of course, she liked it,” Arthur grumbled, his low Irish accent rumbling from Doggo Corner. “She waited for a second one even though her hot hubby needed her help.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right. Thanks, Arthur.”
Not waiting for an answer, mostly because I could hear all the gnawing and crunching immediately resume and knew he was back to his big soup bone, I headed behind the counter to clean up.
Grabbing the handle of the portafilter at the precise moment that Arthur howled, Chewy barked, and Otis joined with a sound I’d never heard him make, I spun around so quickly that the entire shop was a blur.
Then I heard, buried in Arthur’s soulful howl was the word, “Stop!”
But that ship had already sailed.
My left foot hit a sploosh of whipped cream I hadn’t known was on the floor.
The toe of the bright pink Chuck Taylor on my right foot stubbed on a piece of rubber sticking out of the middle of the comfort mat that I’d meant to fix a hundred times.
And I unceremoniously and without any cool waving of arms, yelling, screaming, or even praying to the Heavens fell flat on my more than ample chest and gorgeous face –if I do say so myself –on the floor.
Wanting to get up as quickly as possible and ask my Magical boys why they’d been about thirty seconds late with the prediction of my catastrophe, I planted my hands as if I was about to do a push-up and inhaled deeply.
Of course, I had completely forgotten that there were coffee grounds strewn hither and yon and thus sucked said grounds into my mouth and, more importantly, up my nose.
And that’s when it happened…
I still can’t believe it…
Me, Martha Margaret Mary Dellencourt, the eldest Dragon Queen on Earth…
Expelled the sneeze that was heard around the world…
Or around the Bibbidi Bobbidi Bubble, which, for all intents and purposes, was my world.