Chapter 27 #2
My whole body vibrates with nervous excitement, and there’s no sign of it calming down anytime soon.
Every time I meet Eric’s eyes over lunch, I threaten to burst into flames across from him.
Not even the oohs and ahhs of other hikers enjoying the falls are enough of a distraction from Eric’s knowing smile.
When his thumb brushes the back of my hand over the table, I shudder, a little more touch-starved than I realized.
“You’re so cute when you’re flustered.”
My face burns hot. Well, at least it’s not a turn off.
When we finish our lunch, we pack up and head back down the trail.
This time, no one follows after us, and there’s no one ahead, allowing us privacy we didn’t have back at the lookout site.
We’re completely alone. Instead of taking in the beauty of nature, I fixate on Eric walking beside me, in awe of him.
“I have so many questions, Eric,” I start while dragging my hand through my hair. This whole hike has felt like a dream, like I’m bound to wake up once I utter the magic words. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Since we met at All-Star Weekend,” Eric answers for me. “I thought you were really cute, and the more time I spent with you, the more I felt like we had a connection.”
“I’ve always… I’ve always admired you.” I swallow hard and take a deep, shaky breath. “But, uh, it was also more than that. Much more.”
Am I really about to admit everything to Eric in broad daylight, in the middle of a hike back to camp?
“I’ve been, you know, attracted to you for a while. Well before All-Star Weekend.”
“I had a feeling,” Eric chuckles.
“Guess all the talk about the poster gave it away, huh?” I chew my lip and rub my arm. “It’s probably weird to say this, but you look really hot in your gear.”
“Oh yeah?”
“I don’t know how to describe it. The way you move, the way you play, the way you command the crease and set the tone of every game you play...”
It’s pure confidence. Eric takes charge in every situation. So why didn’t he say something sooner? Why has it taken this long for the truth to come out?
“Why didn’t you, you know, say something at All-Star Weekend?”
“I kept testing to see if you were interested, and each time you led me to believe you were. I was planning on asking you to my room after we wrapped up dinner, but there was a point where you pulled away, so I backed off a bit.”
“Guess I did give some mixed signals that night.”
Probably because it was the first time I had ever been in the company of a man I wanted to get to know in that way and had no clue how to approach it.
When our hands brush against each other while walking, Eric’s pinky finger interlocks with my own, causing me to gasp.
“Sorry. Too sudden?”
Before he has a chance to slip away, I curl my finger tighter around his, and I’m relieved to feel a squeeze back.
“It’s not that. We’ve been friends for months. It’s not like we just met and you’re a total stranger. I’m just… I’m just shocked you’re, I mean, you had a girlfriend before.”
“I understand. It’s not exactly easy to navigate this world. You couldn’t have known I’m bi.”
Eric says the quiet part out loud with such certainty, as if it’s not a deeply private secret which could undermine how fans and the rest of the league perceive him. Yet he’s right, I couldn’t have known; his personal life remains quite private compared to other players.
“That’s why I was so nervous that night,” I admit. “I was never going to blatantly ask if you were into guys.”
I was so afraid I was projecting onto Eric, so blinded by my desire, that when our interactions started to cross the line between friendly and playful to something more, I backed off to spare myself from potential humiliation.
Eric nods. “And I wasn’t going to push you either if you weren’t ready.”
In another life, in another timeline, it’s crazy to think that I could have gone all the way with Eric Sinclair at All-Star Weekend. If I had just been bolder, if I had just taken the risk, I could have capped off our unforgettable night with something more.
And yet, there’s some part of me that’s glad we didn’t skip to the last chapter on the final night of All-Star Weekend.
Over the past several months, our friendship has evolved and changed.
He’s become my confidant, my lifeline. I’ve learned more about Eric on a deeper level, and he’s allowed me into his life, sharing all the complex characteristics he might not have revealed had I been nothing more than a one-time partner in bed.
“I’ve been with both men and women. Not all of my relationships have been long-lasting. My relationship with my ex was the longest.”
“Why did you break up, if it’s okay to ask?”
Over the summer offseason, many players announce engagements, weddings, pregnancies—personal milestones. People expected Eric to be one of those players with a big engagement announcement. Instead, online sleuths uncovered he was single in the wake of the Seattle Seadogs first Stanley Cup victory.
“Our schedules were very different, but we both agreed to try the whole long-distance thing when I was on the road. We tried for a while, but it kept becoming a point of contention. There were other issues we couldn’t overcome.”
Some couples like Braydan and Kaori seem to find a way to manage the travel and distance while others struggle, leading to horror stories. Relationship drama can tear apart any dressing room. All it takes is one player being off his game to disrupt the dynamics and chemistry.
Could Eric and I be in a long-distance relationship?
We spent all of spring texting and talking over the phone.
As friends. Would it be any different as a romantic couple?
Would the yearning and longing be too painful?
Just the thought of being apart from him after the time we’ve already shared in person seems insurmountable.
“Did it end badly?”
Eric shakes his head. “No, we both agreed it wasn’t working.”
Since the breakup, Eric’s been (surprisingly) single for several years, garnering speculation and gossip about his relationship status.
Juxtaposed against the rest of the league, it’s unusual for a player his age to not already have a spouse and kids.
Much of the spotlight focuses on his hockey achievements, but some outlets have felt entitled to asking invasive questions about his personal life.
Even though I’ve never been in a serious relationship, even a casual one, I feel for Eric. It’s clear from the way he behaves around his teammates and around me that he has so much love and kindness to give.
“What about you?”
I hadn’t considered the possibility this vulnerable conversation would need to be reciprocal.
I’ve never confided in anyone about something this personal.
I’ve never said the words out loud. There’s never been any internal debate or denial over what I find attractive, but I’ve never acted on those desires with another man.
Hockey has always been my first priority by choice, but there have been countless moments when I wished I had someone I could lean on.
Someone I could share the experience with, someone who understood the commitment and wouldn’t ask me to choose between my love of the sport and romance.
I used to think this was an impossible request of the universe, but then I fell in love with Eric.
“Uh… Well, I’m… I’m gay.” I didn’t even describe myself that way to my dad after he had put the pieces together during our phone call. “I’ve… I’ve never actually been with someone else.”
Twenty-seven years old, and I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, let alone a fling.
I’ve never gone on a date. I’ve never been kissed.
I’ve never held another guy’s hand (and pinky fingers don’t count).
All I’ve experienced are hopeless crushes in my youth and yearning for something I thought I’d never have in adulthood.
I always assumed I would be alone the entirety of my hockey career—a fact more depressing than I allowed myself to realize until now.
I never processed it in order to avoid being overwhelmed by the sheer loneliness.
“Pretty embarrassing, right?”
“Not at all. Everyone goes through life at their own pace. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“You’re not turned off by my inexperience?”
Eric shakes his head. “It’s all the more reason I want to do this right with you James.”
He smiles, setting my heart a little more at ease. It’s not as if I’m clueless about love and sex, but I had been dreading the possibility Eric and I wouldn’t be compatible because he’d rather be with someone who matched his level of experience.
“I’m just a little surprised,” he says with a soft laugh.
“How come?”
“You remember the night we talked about losing?”
How could I forget? That was the closest I’ve ever been to having sex with another guy, and it involved thousands of miles of distance and two different timezones.
“You followed my every instruction. You trusted me to guide you.” As Eric describes that night, his voice lowers, his eyes fall half-lidded. His body grows tense, taut with anticipation. “All your inhibition was gone, and you surrendered yourself completely. It was a total rush.”
My body erupts into flames, and I stop walking to bury my face into my hands. “Oh God, you really heard all that?”
“Pretty hard to ignore.”
When Eric covers my hands to pull them away from my face, I jolt, startled by the sudden touch.
I could jump head first into a lake in the middle of winter and it wouldn’t be enough to cool me off.
I’m not sure which outcome’s more insane: that Eric heard me over the phone and wasn’t turned off or that Eric heard me and was turned on by it.