Chapter 25 Zofia
zofia
Are you sure it’s okay that I stay here?” I asked Angelina, holding a pair of pajamas I’d borrowed from her in my arms, standing in the middle of their guest room.
“For the fifth time, yes, Zo. It’s okay.” She patted me on the arm. “I’m here for you. And if you want me to fuck him up for you, I can do that, too. He’s my friend, but I’ve got my girl’s back first.”
My eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
When I’d stumbled into her office—crying—after leaving Nic, she’d immediately bundled me up into her arms, pulling me into a hug, no questions asked.
It had been exactly what I needed.
“I’m here whenever you want to talk, too.” She gave me a sad smile. “I know things are confusing right now, but I promise, they’ll work out.”
“I don’t know if they will this time,” I admitted.
“I mean… you love him, don’t you?” Angelina asked, voice soft.
I froze. Did I? “It doesn’t matter what I feel. This isn’t some romance book where he’s going to rush in and sweep me off my feet, both of us riding away on the back of a white horse. It’s real life.”
Angelina gave me a look. “Most people don’t make contractual relationships in real life, Zo.”
I sighed. “Maybe you’re right. I just don’t know what to do, Ang. I was going to tell him about the baby today. Had worked myself up. And then…” I blew out a breath. “Ugh. What do I do, Angelina?”
She sat me down on the bed. “I’m sure it feels worse than it is from the outside. Do you remember when I broke up with Ben?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “You found out he’d got the promotion, and thought he’d used you to get closer to Nicolas.”
“And…”
I scrunched up my nose. “And he hadn’t—not intentionally, anyway. But he loved you, and Nicolas is your friend, so it was natural that they’d become friends, too.”
“But at the time, it felt like the most devastating betrayal. I worked from home for a week, hiding from him. Hiding from my feelings. And in the end, I was just being stubborn. I didn’t know how to let myself be loved.”
I flopped down at the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “This is bigger than that, though, Ang. He doesn’t want kids.”
“He said that?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Verbatim. This is why I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to fuck them up like you did. His dad was shocked.”
“Wow. That’s…”
“A lot,” I said, feeling glum. “I know. And I can’t blame him, either. When we started this, I didn’t think I wanted that, either. I’d given up on those dreams after what happened with my ex. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to trust anyone again. But Nicolas…”
God, I did love him. I loved him so much, which was why it was breaking my heart that we didn’t want the same things.
“I do,” I whispered, an admission. “I love him.”
That was why it had hurt so much, wasn’t it? Finding out he didn’t want kids.
Finding out about his inheritance.
I sat up, looking Angelina in the eye. “Did you know his grandfather left him an inheritance?”
She shook her head. “No, but it’s not surprising, knowing how wealthy his family is.”
“Apparently, there were two stipulations: that he gets married, and that he has a child.” I saw her face morph into one of shock and surprise.
“His dad dropped in for a visit today,” I explained.
“Wanted to convince me to get him to reconsider us waiting to have kids. Of course, he didn’t know that I was already pregnant. ”
She winced. “And you think he married you just to get it?”
I sighed. “Maybe?” Though the more I thought about it, the more I knew how implausible that was. “No.” I hung my head. “I think I was just scared.”
“Been there, babe.” Angelina patted my leg. “I think you should tell him how you feel. He might surprise you.”
A knock sounded from the door, and I looked up to find Benjamin standing there, holding two steaming mugs. “Thought you two could use a pick me up. Hot chocolate,” he explained.
“Thank you,” I said, taking the mug and blowing on the hot liquid before taking a sip.
“You doing okay, Zo?” He asked, looking concerned. “Ang didn’t tell me much, but…”
I looked at the swirling chocolate. “I will be. I just needed some space to figure some things out.”
“That’s what friends are for,” Angelina said.
Her husband smiled at her. “Yeah, Angel.” Benjamin pressed a kiss to her forehead before looking at me. “If you need anything, let me know.”
I bit my lip. “Can you tell Nic that I’m here? I don’t want him to worry.”
Benjamin looked guilty. “I might have already done that. He was panicking, and I didn’t want him to freak out.”
“Oh.” My eyes watered. “God, I’m an awful wife, aren’t I? I should have stayed to hear him out.”
“No, babe.” She took both of my hands in hers. “You’re human.”
“I was just worried that if we fought—if I told him how I felt and he didn’t feel the same—that it would be over. And then I’d truly be alone. I can’t…” My throat was dry, and I tried to swallow. “I don’t think I’d survive it.”
It was Benjamin who said, “Give him a chance, Zofia. I think he might surprise you.”
I nodded, knowing I needed to talk to him tomorrow.
Before, I’d been too scared to go after what I wanted.
Was I still too scared now?
I didn’t even know what I wanted, not really.
I wanted Nicolas.
Wanted our marriage to be real.
Wanted this baby, growing inside me, a tiny little unexpected miracle.
And maybe that was what terrified me most of all.
Because I wanted everything.