Chapter 8 - 4
“Yes,”
she said, her voice settling down after having it raised from her frustrating explanations. “It feels so much like that. Like…if I can sit there and let them do their worst to me and force me to…suck them off while they treat me like shit, treat me like I’m nothing, then after a while it stings less. Over time I’ve started to feel more like I was the one in control. Like I was the one exerting my power over them. I could control how they felt and not the other way around. They could call me every name in the book, but it didn’t hurt me. If anything, it built up my resolve to do it more. To pursue this more. I started to do it so much that I almost felt compelled to seek it out. I wanted to have white men around me, using me like that.”
“And to many it would look like you were being abused,”
I said, knowing where she was going with this. “To those that had no idea, they’d think you had simply given yourself over to being abused when really you found a way to control the narrative. It might look like those white men were in control, but it was really you who was controlling them.”
“I controlled how they felt in that moment,”
Reyna said, some of the explanations admittedly making me think beyond what leeway I had previously given her. “It made me feel like I had the power in that moment. I imagine sometimes that I am surrounded by rich and powerful white men that could force me and my family out of the country because of all this racism around. But if I can control them in that way, I could possibly control more aspects beyond what people would think. Imagine if I…sucked off President Trump! It sounds ridiculous, right? Because it is. But now imagine me being able to stop something like mass deportation all because I sucked him so good that he changed his mind. As stupid as that sounds, can you imagine someone changing their mind all because I gave them the best blowjob they ever had in their life!”
Reyna and I continued to talk about her kink and it felt as if she was beginning to blow off some steam with me, obviously having had to shoulder the ridicule and abuse thrown her way by having such an extreme oral kink. I’d know that some people in Aurora and even in the real world had specific preferences when it came to who they either associated with or who they chose as love interests or simply sex partners. Some white women prefer black men. Some black men prefer Asian women. The more I ponded the reasons why people had such preferences really made me think about how I viewed the world. What one person may see as simply a personal preference may actually be more.
I’d never had any sort of preference with my own sexual partners, leaning more on their character and if they were someone I’d want to actually spend time with. I’d thought back on all the partners I’d had in my life and not a single one had I found more or less attractive because of something like their skin color. Black, White, Asian, other Latino people - I’d never had a real preference. But why did these other people have theirs? What was their deeper reason for this? Reyna had made a point that others who sought to make the world easier to understand would simply use a blanket reason for why people had these preferences and admittedly to some degree that may be true. However, to assume it’s the only reason people had these preferences was asinine and approaching ridiculous.
Reyna and I sat there against the wall for what felt like hours as we talked about ourselves and our past traumas. I explained to her what had happened between me and my ex and she began to understand why I’d had my meltdown. She understood why this was so hard for me, the physical and mental violence I had to endure for so long and my stupidity for actually having gone back to him even after he’d done what he did to me. I told her about how I lied to the judge to help get Will a far lighter sentence than he would have probably gotten. Instead of getting years in jail, Will was let off with probation…which I paid for.
His mother was eternally grateful to me for not sending her song to prison. She was and still is one of the kindest and gentlest people I’ve ever met which I believe played a role in me choosing to lie about my thoughts on why Will did this to me when the judge asked. Still, Will would have to be on probation, pay a hefty fine…well, I paid the fine, and he’d have to attend anger management classes for 12 weeks to help avoid any future flare ups.
While Will did manage to get off of the Xanax, he did take up smoking and had become passive aggressive in his approach to me. He’d begged me to come back to him and I eventually did only for him to often treat me with contempt which led to off hand comments on various mundane things like washing clothes or the way I drove my car. The only solid thing he did for me in that time after I came back was he never smoked in the apartment…unless he got angry which did happen fairly often.
“I stayed as long as I could,”
I told Reyna. “It got to the point where…I just couldn’t handle the constant cloud of judgment that hung over our marriage. He’d just grown so cold and harsh. It felt like nothing I ever did was enough for him. I paid his fine, his probation, I kept us afloat after all that shit went down because he had to sit in jail for a while and lost his job. Even when I had left him and stayed with my mom, I still paid the rent at the apartment. I still kept the lights on, the water, I paid for cable TV and internet for him so he had something to do while I was back in San Antonio.”
“Jesus,”
Reyna said to me, a look of astonishment on her face. “You really took care of him and while I admire it, I have to ask…why? Why take care of someone who did all that to you?”
“I was married,”
I said. “I went into it all really believing what I’d said in my vows. The whole ‘through sickness and health, good times and bad’…I really meant that. I felt that meant something and so even though he’d done all that to me, I still felt some…stupid sense of responsibility to him and to our marriage. I felt like I should at least give him a chance to get better. And for a time he did. He always visited his probation officer when they called him, he found work again and went to work every day. He started helping me pay the bills. He got a new car. We moved to a different place to try and get away from the old memories. And the new place was far nicer than the last one. It really felt like we’d moved up in the world. We’d moved over to this area called Lake Travis in Austin and it was so nice! We’d gone from a 4 room apartment to this incredible town home with a garage. I wasn’t all that crazy about it at first, but it grew on me and I began to really like it.”
“But you left him anyway,”
Reyna said to me. “His passive aggressive nature was too much, wasn’t it.”
I looked down at my hand which all these hours later was still holding hers.
“Was more than that,”
I said to her, my eyes still on our hands. “He was fine for a while, but over time…he started to become violent again. At first it was just little things like he’d throw a glass or…this one time he threw a brand new bottle of A1 steak sauce against the wall and the glass went everywhere, steak sauce all over the place. I had to clean it up. He just went upstairs and slammed the bedroom door which was basically his way of telling me he hated me.”
“He still wasn’t able to get over that you were a dancer,”
Reyna said to me. “He still held that over you.” I nodded.
“I remember I got all the glass swept up into the dustpan and I just sat on the kitchen floor,”
I said, feeling the sting of that memory come back to me. “I remember looking at the glass and thinking about what I was doing. Why was I even there. Why did I come back….”
I leaned my head forward, almost falling into Reyna, but managed to stop myself. “What had I become? Why could he not get over it? Was I going to have to pay for this the rest of my life? I knew in my heart I’d done nothing wrong and I was open with him about all of it. He knew I had danced and he knew that when I moved to Austin to be with him that I was leaving that life behind. I mean…I could have just said no and kept dancing and made far more money than I did when I worked at the stupid call center. I could have worked half the hours and made twice as much money but no. I told him I’d stop and I did.”
“But it wasn’t enough,”
Reyna said to me, knowing where I was going.
“No,”
I said. “No matter what I did for him, quitting the club, paying all the bills, getting him out of trouble, screwing him when he wanted, no going out, having no friends….”
“It was never going to be enough,”
she said to me, confirming what had taken me years to figure out. “With people like him, the jealous, stubborn, controlling types…it will never be enough. You could have been his personally slave and it still wouldn’t be enough.”
Just then Reyna leaned forward and touched her forehead to mine. “You did everything you could. You did far more than most would. You went back to him when everyone else would have walked away. You kept his life going for him even when he didn’t want to.”
Reyna pulled her hand from mine, raised it up to my face and touched my cheek, running her thumb along my bottom lip. “It’s not your fault.”
I nodded my head, causing my forehead to rub against hers.
“I know,”
I said, feeling the tears working their way back to me as the song Stay by Hans Zimmer came over my in-home speakers.
“Hey,”
Reyna said, pulling back from me and lifting my chin. “You did nothing wrong. All this…all this shit he did to you…it’s not your fault.”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“I just wanted him to love me,”
I said as the heartache overtook me and the tears began to flow again. “Why couldn’t he just love me?”
Reyna leaned forward and took me in her arms, my anguish pouring out of me. “Why, Reyna? Why!”
“I’m so sorry,”
she said to me, pulling me as close as she could, letting me cry into her chest. “You did nothing wrong! Nothing. You did everything you could have.”
I cried into her and she, someone I’d purchased at a slave auction, stayed with me even though she had no reason to. She could have gotten up and left at any time during everything that had happened in the room that day, but she didn’t. She chose to be there with me while I spiraled and she chose to hold me and comfort me, someone she’d only just met. She chose to stay. She held me there in the corner of my room until I’d managed to settle down enough to speak again.
“This whole world really is screwed up,”
I said as I pulled myself from her chest and wiped away more of my tears. “The real world is screwed up and even this world is warped in it’s own way.”
Reyna nodded at me as I directed my now very swollen eyes up to hers. “I mean what’s the point of this place if you can’t even…go around and suck a bunch of white dicks when you want.”
My joke had caught Reyna so much by surprise that she gasped and spit out a huge laugh unlike any she’d shown me in the short time we’d know each other. I’d managed to make both of us laugh as was my intention. We smiled at each other and the mood seemed to instantly lighten.
“I know you’re joking,”
she said with a smile on her face. “You shouldn’t discount that kind of thing though.”
“Oral sex?”
I asked, still using my humor to try and keep things lighter. “I think I’ve done that a few times in the time I’ve been here.”
“Not exactly,”
she said to me, looking to make a point. “What I mean is…what if you sort of…surrendered yourself to that situation. If you purposely put yourself in a position to be surrounded by…five or six men, all with their cocks out and ready to go.”
I squinted my eyes at her, unsure if she was being serious or just joking.
“Are you saying I should get into some sort of orgy?”
I said with a smirk on my face. Surely, she was joking. “I may be an escort but even I’ve not considered doing something that wild. Besides, I had my time being surrounded by men when I was a dancer in the real world.”
“And why not?”
she asked me. She was being completely serious. “Is that not something you’d want to do if given the chance because I know from experience those sorts of things are happening here constantly.”
She was being quite serious. “But I’m not even really talking about that. Like, the things I do when I wanted to blow off some steam is I have some friends that know about my kink. Sometimes I’ll call a few of them over and they’ll understand the role play I wanted to do and we just…do it.”
“Do what?”
I asked. “What exactly do you do?”
“I have them yell at me and degrade me,”
she said, hearkening back to the details of her kink. “And while they do that…I suck them all off.”
She was dead serious. “I suck them all off until they climax and once that’s done, it ends. We drop the RP and we all sit and talk about it. Often times we’ll ‘compare notes’ so to speak and see what each of us could have done better.”
“You really do this sort of thing all the time,”
I said to her, finally coming to the realization of it all. “This really is a thing you sincerely enjoy.”
“I fully admit I love it,”
she said with a confidence that could knock over a building. “I love it and the few people who help me play it out also enjoy parts if not all of it as well. It’s very…cathartic. Like as I’m doing it, I can sort of just let go of all my worries and just focus on what’s in front of me. In this case, several dicks.”
She and I both laughed at the obvious joke. “I’m telling you, Ana. There is a certain freedom and catharsis you reach when you just hand yourself over to a fantasy like this. Not only that, but there is a giddiness you feel, almost like an adrenaline or endorphin rush as it’s happening. On the surface you may think ‘Oh my God! I am actually doing this!’ but for some reason it just feels…I don’t know how to really describe it. It’s almost like it’s something you are scared of at first, but once you get into that mindset, you almost want to do it. And then once you are fully taken in by the fantasy, you really do want to do it. That curiosity becomes a want and once you reach that, the physical pleasure you feel is absurdly good.”
“Is that why you’ve come to enjoy it?”
I asked. “Does it give you that mental and physical sensation that you seek?”
“Yes,”
she said with a straight face. “I’ve done it a few times now and for some reason, it just keeps getting better. And it keeps escalating. At first it was just two white men but then I moved to three and then four. Now I am at five and each time, it just feels better than they last.”
“That sounds so insane,”
I said, remarking on the surface level absurdity of this fantasy. “I don’t think I could ever do something like that.”
“You never know until you try,”
she said to me, a smirk on her face. “I was scared the first time too, but I don’t regret doing it.”
I didn’t know if it was my weakened emotional state or if Reyna had just been making a compelling argument, but for some reason I’d began to let my mind wander and hearing her talk about her fantasy more and more only made my curiosity grow. Could I really ever do something like that under those circumstances? Could I let myself be degraded and talked down to as I perform oral sex or had any sex with someone in that way? Given my past, especially what had happened with my ex, how would I react to such a thing? Could I let it happen to me?
“It sounds so strange to me,”
I said to Reyna. “I could never go and do something like that by myself.”
In that moment, Reyna purposely locked eyes with me.
“Then don’t do it alone,”
she said. I knew what was coming but I wanted to hear her say it. “Do it with me.”
“With you?”
I said. “What do you mean?”
“What I mean is you come with me and we’ll try it together.”
Reyna went on into further detail, as provocative as they were. “We could do it at my place. I have it all setup for RP so it’s conducive to that sort of thing. I can call up some of my friends whom I trust. They understand me and they know what this does for me. They’re alright with it and I’ll just tell them I’m having you come along with me to see if you like it. I’ll tell them to go easy on you or just to leave you alone while you’re there if you choose to not participate and just watch. And even then if you ever feel uncomfortable, you can leave and I won’t judge you either way. I know this sort of thing isn’t for everyone so I want you to know if you feel it’s not for you, it’s OK to bow out.”
“And you trust these guys?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“They’ve been doing this with me for a few weeks now and they’ve never done wrong by me. Once the RP is going then they go all out, but once it ends, they are the kindest, sweetest guys you could ever meet. I feel like they understand why I like doing it and they’re OK with it so they help out when they can.”
“You really do trust them,”
I said. Reyna had still not broken her gaze.
“I do,”
she said. “That’s part of why I feel so comfortable doing it. It’s all RP, a fantasy. They may insult me or even slap me during the RP, but I know beyond that that my place and the conditions are safe not only for me but for them. It’s all consensual. We all know if something doesn’t feel right, we can back away from the RP and no one will be angry over it.”
“You really do make it sound sort of enticing,”
I said. “You really do trust them.”
I couldn’t stop myself from saying this over and over.
“I really do,”
Reyna said to me while nodding. “With us, there’s no real danger. There’s no judgment, there’s no ridicule. It’s just us sharing a fantasy and having a good time.”
I finally broke my gaze from her as I let the idea slosh around inside my head. “Ana, I’ve never done this with another woman before. It’s just something me and some of my guy friends do. I’ve always been the only woman there. I just think that we’re in kind of a unique situation. We’re both Latina so we know what it’s like to live in this world that can constantly judge us. I know my fantasy may not be something you’re into, but I wanted to offer it to you anyway. You haven’t started laughing at me or calling me stupid or accusing me of being a fake because of this so I feel like I can trust you.”
“You can,”
I said as I looked back up to her. “I don’t judge people for the things they like…unless they like murder. Then they can go fuck themselves.”
Reyna and I both laughed.
“All I’m saying is this,”
she said. “If you think it might be something you’d want to try, you can try it with me there. I’ll look out for you so you’d be safe. No judgment, no ridicule. Just me and you…with a bunch of horny white guys.”
Again we laughed, and it all began to feel so natural.
After a little more time talking about it, Reyna and I got up and moved back to the sofa where we had started. We talked more about our lives and the various fantasies we each had that we’d wanted to explore not only in Aurora but also in real life. After letting the idea stew for a time, I asked Reyna if she could set something up so I could at least watch what she liked to do in her fantasy.
Later that same game session, Reyna had managed to get hold of three of her friends who helped her with the fantasy and asked them to come over to her place. They were aware that I was there as a silent observer and that I was not to be touched or spoken to in any demeaning fashion. She made it clear I was off limits and all the men understood. She was doing everything she could to make me feel safe.
Once the RP started, I sat silently in a corner chair while Reyna and her friends played out the fantasy. Countless harsh and often terrible things were said to her, many of them racist. She was slapped multiple times and was “forced”
to perform oral sex on all of them in varies states of undress. At times, I felt uncomfortable watching this all play out.
I mostly ignored the men and kept my eyes on Reyna as I still felt that I had to make sure she was alright. She did everything she said she’d do and once it ended, each of them looked at each other and smiled. They allowed Reyna to get cleaned up and all of them sat down for a few minutes and talked about it as casually as one would be when having a close friend over for dinner. Through it all, I stayed in my chair in the corner and kept to myself. Reyna was calm and smiling, sitting on her sofa with one of the guys nearby, nude, as I would learn would be one of her most prefer options when she was at home. After some time had passed, they guys all left as if nothing completely insane had just happened. After seeing them all out and closing the door behind them, Reyna turned and walked toward me.
“You alright?”
she said unironically. She sat down on the floor beside the chair I was in, still nude and completely at ease. “I’m sorry if that was a little intense but that’s how these sessions go.”
I didn’t say anything. For a good 20 seconds, Reyna and I just stared at each other without saying a thing.
Neither of us felt the need to look away. Even though she’d gone through what she just did, I couldn’t help but admire her for doing it. In a way, that day, she became my hero.
Reyna could tell something was going on in my head as I sat there in the chair, unmoving as I processed all of it.
The longer she looked at me the more she felt bringing me to her RP was a mistake not for her, but for me.
“Ana…I’m sorry. I so sorry if you felt I pressured you into this. I know sometimes when some people see something shocking they freeze up and can’t move or say anything. My God…I’m so sorry. I have no idea why I thought this might be a good idea for you, given all you’ve been through.”