Chapter Nine #3
“I’m not. I was trying to… I was trying to get you to see that we need to give the baby up for adoption.
I wanted you to get to know me, I wanted you to understand.
I was trying to do that, you’re right. But I’ve never even kissed anyone before.
And the reason I said that down at the beach was because I was so overwhelmed by the kiss that I just…
I was trying to bring myself back to what I know, which is that this child doesn’t have a chance with the two of us.
I thought maybe if I could make you want me, if I could make you care about me in some way, or at least just know and understand the things I’ve been through, that you would agree. That’s all.”
“You…you were a virgin?”
“Yes,” I say.
“That’s not possible,” he says.
“It’s more than possible,” I say. “It’s true. I’ve never been with anybody. Because why would I? I’ve never seen a relationship be anything other than toxic. I’ve never had a person in my life treat me like I matter. I’m better off alone. I’ve been better off alone. That’s just true.”
Also, I’ve been terrified of pregnancy. In the sense of what getting pregnant naturally would mean for me, being trapped, and being the kind of terrible that my parents were.
“Why? Why would you give yourself to me?”
“Because I want you. I can’t explain it.
I can’t explain why that was stronger than common sense with you.
I don’t even know if I want to explain it.
But it happened. I don’t need to be ashamed about it, and I don’t need you to look at me like I’m an alien.
I admit that I was trying to manipulate you.
But that’s not what this was about. I upset you and… ”
“You think that I was upset about you?”
“Yes.”
“I was angry with you, yes. But my… Renzo. He called me to let me know that Vittoria’s pregnant.”
I straighten in his arms, shock making my body go rigid. “Pregnant?”
“Yes. And I have reason to believe that occurred prior to her abduction. He’s using that to keep me at bay. And it will work. Because I do care about my sister. And I do not wish to take the father of her child away from her.”
“And if she wasn’t pregnant…you would kill him?”
He looks at me; those eyes that were so passionate only moments ago are black and cold now. “If I had to. If I thought that he had forced her in any way.”
“You don’t think so?”
He looks away. “No. I don’t trust anyone, as a matter of course. But I know Renzo. And while I can believe that he went back to his father’s empire perhaps for money. One thing I know about his character. He is not one to harm women. I know that much. He would not have forced himself on Vittoria.”
“Maybe she loves him.”
He looks at me, a strange expression on his face.
“I doubt that it’s love. I would imagine that it’s much more likely to be a case of lust. My sister was kept hidden away for many years.
She met Renzo two years ago when she came to stay with me.
When…I tried to get her out of my father’s clutches. She went back.”
“So you think that she and Renzo…”
“I do not like to think about him and my sister at all. I hate the way that my hand is being forced. He’s manipulating me. He knows it all too well.”
“Yes. Well. I am sorry about that.”
“Are you? Are you on my team, Lindsay?”
He’s looking at me with a strange light in his eyes, a burning hunger, almost. As if the answer is important to him.
“I’m on this child’s team,” I say. “Which is a strange idea. Because I didn’t think that the child was going to be anything meaningful to me.
I didn’t want it to be. But you’re right.
The child is mine. That’s something that I thought I could ignore until…
” Right then, there’s a movement inside of me.
A shift. I’m still naked, standing there just after sex, and now the baby is moving.
I’ve never felt so exposed or vulnerable in all my life.
Tears well up in my eyes. “It all feels more real now. And you have to understand, me advocating for us giving the child away is because I want what’s best for the child.” I can’t bring myself to call it our child. I can’t bring myself to make us into the family that will never be.
“It’s admirable.”
But I can see that he doesn’t like my answer.
“What just happened between us has nothing to do with me being on your team or not. I… You know, having addict parents, I’ve always known that I’m at risk.
I’ve never thought to myself… I’m above it.
I’ve never believed that I was too smart or too aware to become addicted to something.
That’s one reason that I’ve stayed away from men.
You could become a habit, Ciro, and I don’t have the capacity for that.
Everything about this is a mess. Neither you nor I know anything about having a normal life.
We don’t understand anything about families, about children. Nothing.”
“I know,” he says.
I don’t know how to do pillow talk. I don’t know what to do with this. It was the single most intense, intimate moment of my life and I feel overwhelmed, and insatiable all at the same time.
I hunt around for my robe, and then I slip it on, trying to combat the weird chill that I feel suddenly. I want him to hold me, this big, hard, tattooed gangster. What the hell is wrong with me?
I look out the window. It’s dark, but I can tell that clouds have moved in to cover the stars and moon, and off in the distance, lightning flashes over the water. I shiver.
“What’s the matter?”
I look at him, surprised that he’s noticed my discomfort. “It looks like there’s going to be a storm.”
“There likely will be. Sudden, intense storms are common here.”
I shiver. “I hate thunderstorms.”
“Why?”
I wrinkle my nose. “Who likes them?”
“A great many people do. It’s a good time to curl up with a book.”
I shake my head. “No. When I was little I would get so scared, and I remember going and looking for my parents and not being able to find them. And then on the first fishing vessel I was on…we had a huge storm while we were out at sea. I actually thought that I was going to die. I thought the ship was going to capsize. It very nearly did.”
“You’re not on a boat here.”
“No. I suppose not.”
I wish I could figure out how to close the strange distance I feel between us now. I don’t know what it is. Maybe the fact that he’s a mafioso, and neither of us knows how to be with people. Maybe his sister. The betrayal of his friend.
Maybe we’re just made wrong.
“I should probably try to get some sleep,” I say. “I’m sure the baby needs rest. Or something.”
He gives me a half smile. “Do you think?”
He’s still naked, the firelight on his inked-up skin making my heart race. I could happily have that man again, but I don’t want to be the one to suggest it.