Chapter Nine #2
“It was a long time ago,” she said, and that was true. But that didn’t fully take away the feelings of helplessness and despair that had once been at the center of her life. Her family had all just learned to live with it in their own ways.
Livia pulled away a little. “Thank you.”
He nodded, and for the first time since he had appeared in her apartment, she felt as if they had found a little place where there was no distance between them.
“How is she now?” he asked softly.
“Good. Much better,” she said. That was mostly true, though sometimes it felt like they were always trying to get in front of the next possible downward slope. Right now, for example.
“Did you know she was in such a hard place before that winter break?”
Somehow this part felt easier to talk about because he had been there when it all began. “Remember the first night we met? It was the night after my sister ran away for the first time.”
“Oh.” Gustav looked almost…taken aback at this revelation. “I had no idea.”
“You were too busy fending off potential stalkers,” she said, and she felt a tug of a smile on her lips.
He might have let her stop there, but now she wanted to continue.
She wanted him to understand. “There are people who don’t seem to be made for the world.
They don’t have the protective part that automatically instructs people to look for danger.
Adele was so adorably odd and quirky, and when she was younger, it didn’t matter. She was just…herself.”
Livia paused as a picture of Adele popped into her mind, with the haircut she had given herself and the pet snail, Sludge, that she carried around everywhere.
“One of the main benefits of my father’s job at the Alpine Institute was tuition-free schooling at a place where the children of the elite from all over Europe sent their kids. Why wouldn’t it be the best for her?”
Gustav’s expression darkened. “People send their kids away to boarding school for many reasons. Many people don’t have an interest in raising their own children. How would they know what’s best for them?”
“My sister didn’t say anything about the bullying for a long time, but one day she just sort of…broke.”
Gustav was watching her intently.
“She had been the most delightful child, so curious. We would return to our family’s cottage on the weekends and explore the forest together.
I was escaping, and I didn’t realize she was, too.
” Livia swallowed. “One day, Adele ran away, and when we found her, she was sort of…hollowed out. It felt like a part of my sister was gone.”
Livia tried not to think about the time before, when she and her sister would wade through the icy stream, to the place where a circle of trees stood with their large branches reaching protectively over them. “That day, when you and I met, you found me at one of my sister’s favorite spots.”
Gustav stroked her hair.
“I suppose I can concede that you weren’t following me that day,” he finally said.
And despite the heaviness of the memories pressing down on her, Livia smiled. “And it only took eight years.”
He continued to stroke her hair. “I never once asked you about this. I’m sorry.”
Livia shook her head. “I probably wouldn’t have told you back then. The subject of my family’s position was a sore point at the time, so I didn’t share our struggles with anyone.”
“So you just carried it all on your own?”
She gave him a wry smile. “We were friends for a reason, Gustav. We had many things in common.”
“I don’t think friends describes what we were back then.”
And just like that, the tone shifted in the bedroom.
He was right. What they’d had was far more complicated than friendship.
They certainly weren’t friends now, either.
She might be angry with him, but she still wanted to kiss him.
She wanted to lose herself in the pleasure of so much more than a kiss.
Livia attempted to pull herself together.
“Tell me how you became involved with Edvin,” he said suddenly, and she had to wonder if he was distracted by the same thoughts.
“The story behind it is short and rather dull,” she said, too brightly. “It was arranged between my father and your father before Edwin and I had met, so there wasn’t much romance about it.”
His expression was unreadable, but he said nothing. Still, she felt the urge to defend herself. “It was a deal—money for a title, a tradition that seems to be sustained, no matter what else changes in the world.”
“Where did you meet?” His voice was cooler now, distant.
“Your father was hosting a state dinner to welcome the other Nordic royalty, and he invited me.”
“And you were immediately charmed?” Gustav gave her a look filled with irony.
This simple discussion was more uncomfortable than she had expected it to be. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Gustav. I was trying to make the best of the situation.”
Gustav looked far from satisfied. “I saw photos from the state dinner, where you danced until late into the night. You looked like you were quite enjoying yourself.”
There was anger behind this comment. It felt like an accusation, and she supposed it was.
The truth was that the event had been better than she expected.
And there was a part of her that did enjoy it, at least for a while.
But that feeling melted away the moment she thought about the costs of a royal life, literal and otherwise.
“You said you hated this kind of unearned privilege, and then you chose to put it at the center of your life.”
“I was playing a part,” said Livia, ignoring the poisonous arrows of his comment. “Though I appreciate your compliments on my training. Weronica, my royal tutor, would be proud.”