CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Thatcher
I loved the house Carrie bought. It was in a new neighborhood filled with mostly young families.
The homes were very nice and built in the cottage or craftsman’s bungalow style.
One of the best things about the neighborhood was that the builders, a local group of brothers, took great pains to keep most of the trees.
Carrie had picked a corner lot, so her yard was spacious.
She said she wanted plenty of space for Theo to play as he grew up.
The weeks and months went by, and soon my time to have Theo by myself for a few hours on my custody days was upon me.
I was thrilled. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have Carrie watching over us, but there was something to be said for getting some alone time with my son.
He was old enough that I could take some of the bottles of breast milk Carrie had prepared and take him back to my house for several hours.
I had everything for him there: a nursery, complete with crib, changing table, toys, and lots of books. I couldn’t wait to show him his things.
He was a little fussy when we went inside, and he clung to me as if he might be a little wary of the new surroundings. He also seemed to be looking around, and I was sure he was already missing Carrie. I sighed. I missed her, too.
But I couldn’t get lost in those thoughts or I’d waste my whole time with Theo being sad.
And I wanted us to be happy. I walked him from room to room, showing him everything.
I’d forgotten what a big house this was.
I’d never sold the house Carrie and I had lived in together.
I knew there were sad memories here. But there were so many happy ones, too.
I didn’t often go into all the rooms, so it started to get overwhelming.
I decided to cut our tour short and just hit the highlights.
His room, of course, being the best part.
He seemed interested in his room, but he kept looking around.
“Ma ma ma,” he said, putting both of his hands on my face and forcing me to look in his eyes.
I couldn’t help but chuckle he was so cute. “You’ll see her soon, little buddy. I promise.”
We spent the next hour or so playing in his room.
He was fascinated by all the new toys. And then the fascination ran out.
He started crawling around nervously and whimpering a little which I knew was the sign that we were headed for tears.
I didn’t know if he was hungry or what. Carrie could hear his cry and immediately know what it meant.
I wasn’t there yet.
“You hungry buddy?” I took him to the kitchen and took a bottle from the fridge, but he didn’t reach for it or seem very interested.
I walked him around growing more nervous myself the more agitated he became. Soon he broke out into full blown crying. I tried changing his diaper, feeding him, reading to him, everything.
And then I called Carrie.
“Everything okay?” she asked immediately.
“He’s crying, and I can’t figure out why.” I told her everything I’d done so far.
“I bet it’s the new environment. You know what? Every now and then when nothing else works, I walk outside with him. He almost always stops crying. Why don’t you try it?”
“Okay. But I’m calling you back if this doesn’t work.
” I walked Theo onto the back deck. Just like magic, he stopped crying and looked around with tears glistening in his big brown eyes and bottom lip trembling.
He seemed to be taking in the surroundings, feeling the breeze on his skin, and listening to the birds singing.
I let out a breath of pent-up tension and laid down on one of the outdoor lounge chairs. Theo adjusted to lay with his head and stomach against my chest and gave a deep sigh. It was a relief to see him happy again. Or happy-ish at least. He wouldn’t be totally happy until Carrie was around.
I knew the feeling. I wanted to push her to see me as someone she could be with again. To see me as she used to. To love me like she had before I threw it all away.
But what if I pushed and lost our friendship? I knew other divorced couples. They were not friends. I saw how lucky I was to still have a relationship with Carrie at all. And I knew that Theo would benefit so much from having parents who weren’t antagonistic towards each other.
I still sent her flowers and chocolates from time to time.
I also sent her little gifts that would help her understand that I still loved her.
If she made a comment that she couldn’t wait to try a new restaurant, I bought her a gift card.
If she was talking to Blair about a dress she’d seen in a shop downtown, I sent it to her.
When she ran her first half-marathon, I was there holding Theo and cheering.
She confided in me that she wanted to use her degree and teach history at the high school once Theo was in kindergarten, and I supported her completely.
And when she decided to get her master’s degree in history online?
I bought her a new laptop and was happy to have extra time to be with my son while she studied.
She always thanked me very nicely for gifts, but it never went beyond a quick hug and a smile.
She also told me she didn’t need or want jewelry when I sent her a diamond bracelet after she kept Theo when I had a presentation that ran late.
I’d nodded. I’d known she wasn’t that into jewelry.
She just liked simple pieces. The only thing she had been pleased with was the ruby David Yurman set I’d bought her when Theo was born.
Ruby was his birthstone, and she wore them all the time.
So, I watched and listened for any hints or clues as to other things I could get her.
That’s how I learned things I’d never known about her.
She loved wind chimes. She also collected magnets of any place she’d ever traveled to put on the fridge.
If she took a weekend trip to the mountains, I saw a new magnet the next week.
I thought of every place we’d ever been while we were married and ordered magnets from each one.
She also liked those Christmas village buildings, too, and was so excited whenever she got one. I knew she loved Halloween, so I found a Halloween village and bought it for her. I don’t think I’d ever seen her more excited over a gift.
I was ashamed that I hadn’t already known these details about the woman I’d been married to for five years.
I was sad that she’d felt the need to hide a lot of her true self to fit into the mold of the society wife she thought I needed her to be.
I’d missed out on a lot there was to love about her.
And I was so ashamed that during our marriage I’d been subconsciously comparing her to a woman that had only ever existed in my mind.
Still, I knew I was walking a fine line.
I couldn’t push too hard because I was afraid she’d put up walls and our relationship would change.
That’s what I was thinking about as the warmth of the sun combined with the weight of my son resting on my chest had made me drowsy.
I realized Theo was asleep and smiled. The breeze was light but kept the day from being too hot.
All of that combined with the sound of the birds slowly lulled me to sleep.
***
“Thatcher. Thatch.” A gentle hand lightly shook my shoulder. My eyes shot open and I saw Carrie smiling down at me. I instinctively made sure Theo was still on my chest. I breathed a sigh of relief that he was. I stayed where I was, not wanting to wake him.
“Hey,” I smiled up at her sleepily.
“You two look so cute together. Don’t worry… I got a bunch of pictures. I’ll send you the best ones.”
“Thanks.” The deep rumble of my voice seemed to wake Theo. He moved slowly until he saw Carrie.
“Ma ma ma!” His chubby toddler face was instantly wreathed in smiles and he lurched towards her. I laughed at his excitement but made sure he didn’t fall.
“Hey, baby, I missed you so much!” Carrie snuggled him and kissed him about a million times on his neck and face while he giggled.
I sat up, noticing the wet place on my shirt where Theo had drooled. The doctor said he’d be producing teeth any day now, and that’s why he seemed to be a drool factory right now.
I stretched. “Hey, I have something for you,” I said as I stood up and walked inside.
“Thatcher, you get me too much stuff,” she chided, and I could tell it was making her a little uncomfortable.
But I didn’t know how else to show her how much I wanted her back.
I couldn’t say it. I knew it would scare her away.
I grabbed the present off the counter and handed it to her. We exchanged Theo so she could open it.
I’d bought her the most beautiful windchime I’d ever seen. It was designed in a spiral of chimes coming down from a large, silver butterfly. The butterfly as well as strands of delicate silver chains placed between the chimes were dotted with crystals in multiple colors.
“Oh, it’s beautiful,” she breathed.
“It caught my eye in the store window. Right when I walked by, the sun was shining on the crystals. It looked like hundreds of multi-colored diamonds or rain drops sparkled on it, and I had to get it for you.”
“Thank you so much! I love it.” Her smile told me that she really did. “I’m going to hang it up as soon as I get home.”
“I could do that for you.”
She shook her head. “I know how to do those things myself.”
Of course she did. I smiled and nodded, disappointed.
She got a nervous look on her face. “I need to ask you something, and I guess it’s a little bit of a sensitive subject.”
I frowned and placed a hand on her forearm. “You can tell me anything.”
She gave me a weak smile and cleared her throat. “Well, um, I met someone. We’ve actually been seeing each other for about a month.”
Instant gut punch. I still stood there with a smile forced in place, but inside I was dying. I felt like my knees were going to buckle, and I would faint. I felt nauseous. I wanted to grab her in my arms and yell, “No! You’re mine!”
But I knew I’d lost the right to do that.
“His name is Patrick and he’s a single dad.
He was at toddler story time at the library with his daughter.
” She chuckled nervously. “You don’t need to know all that.
Anyway, the reason I’m telling you about him is that I have a date next week, and I was hoping you could watch Theo for me.
My mom’s been babysitting, but, well, I thought you might like the extra time with him. ”
I just stood there staring at her. I couldn’t seem to form words.
“But I understand if that’s too awkward given our history…”
“I’d love to have extra Theo time. Just tell me when, and I’ll be there.” With a gun. To take out the competition.
She breathed a sigh of obvious relief. “Great! I appreciate it so much.” She tried to smile, but it looked more like a wince.
“I might be pretty late, so I was thinking you could keep him overnight? I’ll make sure he has all the bottles he could possibly need, and there’s always the baby cereal to supplement if he’s still hungry. ”
Instant agony. I knew what ‘pretty late’ was code for, especially since her face had turned bright pink. She was going to sleep with this guy.
I wanted to die. The woman I was in love with was going on a date and would probably have sex with some guy named Patrick.
I thought I was going to have to excuse myself before I got sick all over her and Theo.
I knew the smile had left my face, but I couldn’t maintain it.
I wasn’t that good of an actor. This hurt.
Badly. The thought of her in someone else’s arms?
Knowing he would hear the sounds she makes when she comes?
That he would have his mouth and hands all over her gorgeous body…
“Thanks again,” she was saying. “I’ll text you the details.” She was walking towards the door. She was just going to leave as if I wasn’t turning into a puddle of misery right before her very eyes. “Oh, and thanks for the windchime. I love it.” She grabbed Theo’s hand. “Wave bye-bye to Daddy.”
He did a movement with his hand that looked nothing like a wave, but it was the way he waved right now. “Da da da!” He smiled at me.
I couldn’t do anything. I just gave them a slight wave while I leaned against the wall.
And then they were gone.
Later, I sat on the back deck and watched the sunset. I sipped the whiskey I’d already had way too much of and thought about Carrie in the arms of another man.
And for the first time, I fully understood her pain. This is what she must’ve felt when she saw me with Madison. When she realized I’d been having an affair with her. I closed my eyes. What she saw would have hurt so much worse than what I was feeling now. I hadn’t even seen her with Patrick yet.
I sat there for a long time. The sun went down. The bottle emptied. But I was still there. I didn’t cry, because it hurt too bad to cry. That had never happened to me before. It was like it was too painful for my body to move, to even make a sound. I was wrecked. Completely wrecked.
I knew then I was going to be a very lonely man in the coming years. Because I didn’t want to be with anyone besides Carrie.
And it would take a miracle for her to take me back.