Chapter Twenty-Three #2
After turning around, and now ten minutes away from their destination, the pressure around her chest grew tighter, more urgent.
She rolled down a window, hoping the fresh air would help, but it was to no avail.
Sweating, she tugged at the top of her shirt.
A sickening lump was forming in her stomach, and Cierra was unsure if she was going to throw up or have a heart attack.
Cierra pulled over to the side of the road, needing to catch her breath. “I . . . I can’t . . .” she said, opening the car door and getting out.
With zero hesitation, Erik got out of his seat and raced around the front of the car to Cierra.
Luckily, the old back road was completely deserted, and they hadn’t seen a vehicle besides a tractor a few miles back.
Double-checking that there was no traffic, he gently guided her to the side of the car facing the woods.
“You don’t look so hot,” he said, rubbing her upper back. “Why don’t we sit down, okay? Here.” He gently helped her to the ground with an arm secure around her shoulder, lowering himself with her. “Try putting your head between your legs.”
Nodding, Cierra took his instructions without hesitation.
“Okay, now just try breathing, slow, okay? One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .”
They continued this for a minute or so before her heart returned to a normal pace.
“I think I started having a panic attack or something, I’m not sure.” She shook her head. “That’s never happened before.”
Erik looked at her, concern filling every centimeter of his hazel eyes. “Let’s go back to the—”
“No, I’m fine. I’m fine. This weekend has to be perfect, and the store is closing soon.” She tried standing up, but immediately feeling lightheaded again, sat back down. Erik had already grabbed his water bottle and was holding it out for her to drink.
“You don’t seem fine.” Reluctantly, Cierra lifted her head to meet his eyes.
“What’s going on? You can talk to me, you know that.”
Sighing, and perhaps without enough blood flow to be more guarded, she let it all out.
“It’s just this weekend. I’m so paranoid about messing something up and not getting this last check.
I just, I really need this money, Erik. I .
. .” Tears started to come. “This last check will give me enough to live on in New York if I land the audition. But if I don’t get it, or if I don’t land the show, I’ll have to move back home. I can’t take this pressure anymore.”
“What kind of pressure?”
“After my breakup, I realized I had, like, nothing in the bank. Lisa, my sister, helped me out, but she’s got a baby on the way and doesn’t have enough to prepare for her baby and cover me.
This job — working for Zelda — it’s been a lifeline.
But if anything goes wrong . . .” She shook her head.
“I can handle paying the consequences for my own mistakes — but there’s no way I could live with myself if I let my sister, and her unborn child, shoulder the bill for my impulsive career decision.
” A decision that might not even pay off.
“There’s no way Zelda wouldn’t give you what she promised,” Erik said. “And even if she tried, I wouldn’t let that happen.”
Cierra sniffled, trying to give a weak smile. Erik just nodded, gently holding her wrist without a hint of judgement in his eyes.
“Sounds like you have a real trade-off here. It makes sense why you’re having a strong reaction to it all. I can really relate, it’s tough.”
“And what would you know about money worries?” she asked snidely, unable to resist pointing out the discrepancy between their situations. “You have the option to live in a mansion for free whenever you want.”
At that comment, he turned to her defensively. “Uh, because it happened to me, too? Remember?”
“It’s not the same for you. Don’t act like you didn’t have tons of help from your family. My choices are literally giving up my dreams or going into serious debt and probably losing my relationship with my sister. What would you know about that?”
Erik laughed. “Do you think this has been my life?”
“I mean . . . well . . . yeah?”
“Well, it hasn’t. I racked up student loans and credit card debt just like everyone else.
Elliot and I come from middle-class backgrounds — Zelda is the one with the money.
And it’s relatively new for her, too; everything changed a few years ago, once the business started taking off.
” He shook his head. “I took a massive pay cut leaving my last job, and it took me a lot longer to get financially on track because of it, but that was a decision I was willing to make. I don’t know what you think about me, but you’re not the first person on Earth to be faced with a tough decision, okay? ”
Speechless, and with a mix of embarrassment and confusion, she muttered, “I didn’t realize.”
“Well, now you do.” He ran his hands through his wind-tussled hair, looking around before facing her again. At least ten seconds passed in awkward silence.
“Sorry,” she muttered. “To be fair, you do look like a Brooks Brothers model.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah, it’s actually a little annoying.” They both chuckled, and Cierra smiled, seeing him warm up to her again.
“It’s fine, I know how I look. And besides, I’m still a privileged little shit,” he joked, lightening the mood. “And pretty soon you’ll be a celebrity and a rich little shit yourself.”
Cierra grimaced. “This audition . . . God. You know, I already auditioned once before, right?”
“No, you never mentioned it.”
“Yeah, well, I did. Nearly a year ago, last season. Obviously, I didn’t get it, and it was kind of the end for me. It was part of the reason Harry dumped me. This opportunity with Plated is my last shot at—”
But before she could finish her sentence, a memory flashed before her eyes. It was so vivid her head snapped up as she gazed forward, lost in a moment that happened nearly ten years ago.
“What is it?” Erik asked. “What are you thinking about?”
“Reading Week.”
“Huh?”
Cierra shook herself out of the vision, then looked at Erik.
“When I was in college, I was seeing this . . . idiot. It was a bad situation. Not, like, abusive or anything. But I was so infatuated with him, and he knew it. Strung me along for a long time. I don’t know if I ever said anything, but, my dad passed away when I was in school. ”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Cierra smiled weakly. “It’s a long time ago, now.
But the last week he was alive, it was Reading Week.
I was thinking about the last phone call I ever had with him.
He was asking if I wanted to visit, since I didn’t have classes to go to.
We used to watch Plated together, and he even mentioned that he hadn’t watched any of the new season. He was waiting for me to come home.”
Cierra wiped away tears that were now quietly falling as she told the story. Erik held her hand, gently stroking his thumb against the smooth of her palm as she continued.
“But I was young and selfish and only thinking about this boy I was seeing. We had plans to hang out. So, I told my dad no. That I’d see him in a couple of weeks and we could watch it then. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.” Her voice broke.
“Colton — the idiot — stood me up, anyway. And later that week, Lisa called with the news.” Cierra let out a deep sigh. “I wasted my last chance to see my dad on someone who didn’t give one shit about me.”
Erik let a few seconds pass before saying anything. “Cierra, you know that wasn’t your fault, right? You couldn’t have known.”
“I know. I’m just so . . . angry.”
“At Colton?”
“At myself.” Erik sighed, looking at Cierra with a mix of compassion and sadness. “I know this sounds weird, but I think I saw getting a spot on that show as a way to, I don’t know, connect with him? Make it right?” She twisted her mouth and looked down, dejected.
“Cierra, I never knew your dad, but I’ve had the honor of getting to know the woman he raised, so I know he must have been one hell of a man. And there’s no way he’s up there, waiting on you to get some job or award or TV spot.”
Cierra looked at him with wet eyes and grinned a little. “You’re probably right.”
“You gotta forgive yourself, Cierra. You have nothing to make up for.” He looked around the muddy back road.
“And we really can’t have you getting panic attacks on dirt roads.
What if I weren’t here? An alligator could’ve gotten you!
Or some guy with a shotgun and two teeth.
” Cierra laughed at Erik’s attempt to lighten the mood.
She knew he was right; she needed to forgive herself, but it was easier said than done.
“I miss him.”
“I know.”
The two sat in silence for what felt like a long time after that. Erik kept holding her hand, and together, they listened to the sounds of bird calls and wind rustling through the leaves.
“If I don’t nail this audition — I think I’m done with New York.”
“Done with New York? Why? Can’t you just find another job like the one you have now?” he said with mild alarm.
With a sad smile, Cierra shook her head.
“This summer has been fun, a whirlwind, but I can’t keep doing this.
I need something stable. Going from contract to contract, constant shifts in schedule .
. . it’s not sustainable.” She rubbed her hands on her legs.
“I’m exhausted. If I land this opportunity, then great, but the thought of continuing this lifestyle .
. . to keep chipping away at it . . . I’ve reached my limit. ”
“Hmm,” Erik pondered, obviously trying to help problem-solve. “Well, what about Julian? I’m not sure how serious you two are, but maybe he could help.”
“Like, with money?”
“Well . . . yeah?”
With a scoff, Cierra just shook her head again. “No, I’m not making that mistake again. If I can’t afford to live in the city . . . I just can’t afford it. Besides, I don’t know where our relationship is going. If I even have one.”
Erik’s head cocked. “What happened?”
Her tears letting up, and feeling more grounded, Cierra stared at the dust from the road covering her backside and hands.
“I told him about what happened with us, and he didn’t take it so well.
And even if I hadn’t, I don’t think it was ever going to last. Things just haven’t been clicking.
” She thought about what Mia had said on the plane; she was so right.
“Cierra, if he can’t be happy for your successes, or can’t forgive you for something that you did while you weren’t even in the relationship, how can you trust him to be a good partner? Is that really what you want?”
“You sound like Mia.”
“Yeah, well, maybe she has a point. Is that why you two are fighting?”
Unable to verbally confirm that, at the ripe age of thirty, she was arguing with her friend over a boy, Cierra nodded slowly.
Instead of lecturing her, Erik extended a hand and helped her off the ground. They both silently got into the Jeep, this time with Erik in the driver’s seat.
A few minutes of driving passed before either spoke.
“Thanks, Erik,” Cierra said, finally.
“Of course,” he said, eyes still on the road. His right hand lifted momentarily off the driving wheel, just for a moment, before landing back into place.