Chapter 24 Collette
Even though every part of my body was humming with sexual tension, I lowered myself to the bed, but did nothing to take care of it. The satisfaction I’d need, I couldn’t provide it.
He had regaled me with another tale of how it was going to be when we got together.
Hot, intense sex that had drawn me in until I was ready to combust. There wasn’t an easy way to come down from that type of stimulation. All without one single touch.
Deep breaths in a calming manner were the only thing I had going for me.
I focused on the ceiling and how many tiles were there. It would have been easier if I could have seen them, but I had to work from memory.
It was a trick Andy and I established when things hadn’t gone our way.
Picture a room, close your eyes and then begin to describe it. The other person had to then grade you on each item that they remember as well. It wasn’t a full proof method to memorize a room, but it made me pay more attention to my surroundings.
My thoughts returned back to Andy. Even though my outburst had taken more energy than I thought, this was exactly the memory to bring me back to my goal.
Thoughts of Andy from when I was back in the foster home fluttered through my mind. The memories of why he was so important to me.
Where I first met him, I had just turned twelve. My period had started in my last foster home, when the place turned really bad really fast. The parents had an older biological son, who lived out on the back of the property in an apartment over the garage.
One day, he noticed I had started my period. He must have been laser focused on us girls because he’d explained what was happening to me. My foster mother should have been the one to tell me what was going on and how that would change my life.
He simply told me that I was a woman now. I would have to do womanly things. At the age of twenty-seven, it seemed like he knew what he was talking about. He had given me pads and taken such good care of me that first time that I trusted him. Somebody was putting me first for once.
Those first couple of days after my period ended, Brian had asked me to come over to the garage apartment because he had something fun for me.
Mostly, it was the other children that I feared, he had helped me and was an adult so I didn’t think to be afraid or worried about the consequences. When I had joined him, he wanted to play house.
That was how he put it, which really meant that I would take care of him in a sexual manner and service all his needs as a wife would.
It went on for a couple of months. Every day, he’d tell me to come out after dinner and play house. It wasn’t until a neighbor saw me leaving his apartment one night, crying after being made to do things that no twelve year old should, that she reported it.
Within hours, I was whisked away to a new family. I had no idea if I was going to a better place or one that was much worse. Thankfully, it had been the same one that had been looking after Andy.
Somehow he sensed that I hadn’t been treated nicely at my last placements and stood watch over me that first night so I could sleep.
They only took in emergency situations and small children. We had been so scared that they’d made an exception to their rules and kept us both.
It formed a bond that had been almost unbreakable over the years. We were inseparable through junior high and high school. It wasn’t until Andy graduated that things began to change.
The foster family had continued to keep both of us, knowing we didn’t have many years left in the system. I’d already been through so much and they needed my help taking care of the small children. It was the best situation somebody like me could get.
That was one of those weird things. I wasn’t someone that had ever thought about having a family, but if I had gotten pregnant, it wouldn’t have been the end of the world. Someone small to love me would have been okay.
I hadn’t ever planned to have a family until I stayed with the Bakers. It was the one chance I got to be around children and have them love me unconditionally. Not something I was used to back in the day or even now.
Normally, a foster family wouldn’t have allowed one of the older children who had left to return. But they had sensed our bonds and allowed him to come visit me when he was able.
When I aged out of the system, they let me stay until I could move into the dorms three months later. It was one of the few kindnesses I had during my years in foster care.
The Baker family had moved on to other children after that. They’d sent the occasional card or letter during the holidays, but I hadn’t heard much from them.
Even at my college graduation, Andy was the only family that had shown up. The memory started to overwhelm me with the pain that I’d gone through. My chest tightened, and I rubbed at it to soothe the ache.
I wasn’t equating what Mr. Holdt was doing to me as the same thing because he wasn’t the same evil bastard doing things to me. I had chosen this when I’d sign the documents, and I could walk away anytime.
The assumption that he’d killed Andy made him evil, but even that wasn’t the same type of evil as someone who had taken advantage of a young teen.
Those types of evil humans were in a separate category from the rest of the evil in the world. I was certain that there was a special place in whatever kind of afterlife for those who hurt children.
Other people might have let it change who they were, but I knew that it hadn’t been my fault. It was Brian’s fault. He’d been the one to initiate it and then convince me that what he wanted me to do wasn’t wrong.
Everything inside me had said otherwise. It wasn’t something that kids should be doing.
Not having parents to explain the birds and the bees discussion with me, I had taken that lesson to learn more on my own. I didn’t want to be taken advantage of again.
The therapist that they’d insisted I see for the six months after that, had assured me that sex was a natural part of life.
When I’d tried to take Andy’s clothes off one day, he’d laughingly told me no. We were siblings and he would never see me in that way or try to take advantage of me. He made me know that I was safe with him and always would be.
Embarrassed, I hadn’t mentioned it again, but from that day on, he had tried to give me pointers after a few particularly bad dates.
We’d laughed at some of the come on lines that guys would use to try to get me to sleep with them.
By the time I got to high school, I had lost my virginity to one of the nice guys in my class.
It wasn’t until later on that I realized that Andy had asked him to date me which had led to us having sex. I thought that he had slept with me on his own, but it had been nice.
Nice in a way that made me want more.
I thought back with fond memories of those few months. I had jumped that poor boy over and over again. It had taken a while before I realized that sex and love were two different things.
When I’d broken up with him, he had seemed relieved that I wasn’t going to make him commit to me. He’d been that type of nice guy that would have felt obligated to marry me if we’d dated through high school. There weren’t any feelings there, and it wasn’t good for either of us to keep up the pretense that there were.
It had been one of a few times in my life that I had seen what a real family was about. His parents had always treated me like I wasn’t a foster kid.
Having been abused earlier on, it made me more sexually active during high school and college. Going after the happiness of the moment or a quid pro quo than an actual relationship.
Maybe that was why Ian was taking things at a much slower pace. He was trying to show me that it wasn’t just about sex but more about the relationship.
Why would he have the time limit if he wanted us to have a more solid connection? It could be that I was simply reading into things, and I was only supposed to be his sexual play thing and not something that he would come to love.
He kept asking me to submit and I felt like I was. For me to submit completely, it would mean to give up all the parts of me that continued to fight. That gave up Andy.
The need to fight was me, I felt there wasn’t a difference for me. If I gave up that part of who I was, then I would cease to exist. There wasn’t a way to survive when you gave someone complete control over you. It was one thing to let them have your body, or parts of me for a short time period. When they wanted your soul as well, it meant that you were no longer you. You were a body that they owned. Just a puppet for them to do whatever they wanted with it.
It might work for some people, but the need to survive had been ingrained into me from birth. I couldn’t give that up. I wasn’t sure that it was even a possibility. There wasn’t much more to give him.
My eyes closed, and I gave into sleep. I tossed and turned as I tried to rest.
Dreams came and went. Things changed each time, I began to dream that it wasn’t dark, but that I was blind.
Locked into a closet, I was only taken out to be used for his pleasure. He wasn’t nice like Ian was. He would force me to do things even when I said no. The air was oppressive, and Brian’s face intermingled with the image of others that had gotten into my personal space over the years.
It made me uncomfortable. Instead of Ian saving me, I had to save myself. The closet opened before I could pick the lock. A blinding light hit my eyes and Andy stood there with a hand reaching out to help me.
From the small space, I ran into Ian’s arms and clung to him. This wasn’t quite right. Andy had saved me from Brian, but Ian was the one holding onto me. The feeling of safety didn’t last long because Ian walked up and shook Andy’s hand. They spoke for a minute and Ian put a gun to Andy’s head and pulled the trigger.
The loud bang jerked me awake.
I sat crying in the darkness.
How had I been rescued only to have everything taken away from me?
Wrapping my arms around my legs, I considered calling him. It was the only form of comfort I knew. He would have come to me. Somehow, I knew that Ian wouldn’t leave me to face this type of darkness alone.
That wasn’t an option though. It would just make it harder to leave him when the time came. I couldn’t lean on him to save me.
Andy had always been my hero. Why did the other man come into my life and why couldn’t I have had both? What did I do to the world to make this happen? Wasn’t I allowed to have a bit of happiness?