Chapter 28 Collette
The next morning, I was surprised when I woke up. It felt like I’d overslept.
I checked the clock on the thermostat. It was almost eight in the morning.
Rossi appeared in the elevator at the same time the lights came on in the room.
He walked over and sat the tray on the table in the small kitchen and not on the coffee table like normal.
“Where’s Ian?”
I asked quietly. “Is he okay?”
There was no answer. He walked away and the elevator doors closed behind him.
I ate in silence, hoping that everything was okay. Stewing about the possibilities of what could have kept him away, I finally managed to convince myself that it had to be something work related. I couldn’t imagine him not coming to see me for anything less than an emergency.
It was strange to be eating here by myself. I’d had the past few weeks to get used to being around Ian daily. Now, his absence was even more noticeable.
Sure I’d had meals in the office without him, but this felt different somehow. I had never eaten alone down here. Every meal was with him, like clockwork.
Not having him in the room with me while I ate was strange. His gentle gestures of feeding meant so much more now that I knew about his mother’s death.
He’d done this as a way to protect and monitor my health.
All the things that he’d done that I absolutely hated weren’t so much to torture me, but more to keep me safe and cared for. When held up against his motives, it felt like such a different type of situation. He wasn’t the horrible person that I’d originally thought.
I was almost positive he hadn’t participated in Andy’s murder, but he might have information that hadn’t made it to the FBI yet. Information that could lead to the killer. I needed to know, as much as I needed Ian.
When lunch and dinner came and went with no sign of Ian, I began to really worry.
Everything that we’d worked on from the last few days flashed before my eyes as I tried to think of something that he would have needed to check on.
If there hadn’t been three meals, I wouldn’t have known it had been a day without the regular delivery of food. Time passed in such a different way when there weren’t any windows to mark the changes.
I lay there on the bed, wondering what I’d done. There was nothing that would have required him to leave me alone for this length of time. It could only be attributed to something that I’d done. He didn’t want to see me because I’d made a mistake. That was generally how things went in my world.
Had he left because after surrendering I wasn’t interesting any more?
One little mistake and people left me. More like they ran away from me as fast as they could. Perfection was the only thing that kept people around. Andy had been the exception. I was able to be myself with him.
It hurt that Ian had left, and that I’d opened myself to that pain. It was as if the light had gone out of the room, even though Rossi had left the lights on.
Turning them off had been a little weird before I’d crawled into bed.
The microwave light was annoying with its little blue light just taunting me that Ian hadn’t been there, and I’d had the lights on for the day.
Sunday was the day we’d spent together for a while now and it just hadn’t felt right with him gone.
What kept him, I wondered. All of the most improbable things flitted through my mind.
Was he on the side of the road somewhere hurt? Could he need assistance while I was lying here unable to go to his side?
What the fuck was I thinking? Had I sunk so low and given into him that much that I couldn’t survive if he wasn’t there telling me what to think or do? For a day?
Why had I let him into my world and quit looking at him like a killer?
There weren’t any good answers and I tossed on the bed all night, completely miserable. Sleep never came.
Another day went by with Rossi delivering my meals.
It was super weird that he hadn’t taken me in to work. Even if Ian wasn’t around, it’s not like I was the only one that could work, but there was a way to help him out. I felt that I’d managed to be useful and had gotten a lot accomplished in a short time.
Why wouldn’t he use all the assets he had available to get things ready for the extra work my suggestion had caused?
It didn’t make any sense. He had so much to finish up before the production would be ready for mass processing.
We’d worked all weekend on it and were making progress, but that didn’t mean it had all been finished.
When Rossi came in with lunch, I confronted him.
“Is he okay?”
Even as the words left my mouth, I knew that he was fine. Rossi wouldn’t be standing here in front of me if Ian was hurt or missing.
“I can work from down here. Don’t make me sit here all day with nothing to do, please.”
I wasn’t above begging when needed. “There has to be something I can do to keep busy.”
The only response I got was the tightening of Rossi’s lips.
“What did I do wrong?”
He walked out, and I was left feeling frustrated once again. But not only that, I was deflated. I missed him and was useless.
It wasn’t like I was a mind reader. Something was going on, and I just didn’t know what it was.
Considering that Ian was gone, maybe for good, all hunger left my body.
There wasn’t a need to eat when the one person that mattered had walked away. Maybe he’d come back, but I wasn’t going to count on it. Maybe I’d been wrong and I was being kept alive because there was something they needed from me.
It wasn’t like me to respond in this manner. Ian must have cast a spell on me because there wasn’t another explanation for my actions. I had never had this need for another person. As much as I cared and loved Andy, this with Ian went way beyond that. I was officially broken.
Why had I forgotten the first rule, never get emotionally involved?
Despondent and unwilling to let Rossi see how much Ian’s absence was affecting me, I flushed the food down the toilet.
After the first time, I knew that he wasn’t watching the cameras like Ian had been.
The sense of freedom should have felt wonderful, but I was too upset for that to work properly.
Dinner was delivered again, and I picked at the food. A few bites were all I could stomach.
I’d let him tie me up in knots. My whole person had become attached to Ian and what he wanted.
This was crazy. It had only been weeks and I’d developed Stockholm syndrome. I thought that it would have taken longer for me to trust him.
His method of breaking me had been solid.
Deny the normal pleasures until she’s begging for more. Add in a little kindness afterward and it will seem like the most wonderful thing ever.
Now, he was denying me his presence.
It had been a great weekend. We’d gotten closer than ever and something had spooked him.
Bastard.
Another evening was spent asking myself why. Why he was doing this, and why I’d let myself care.
***
When Rossi arrived with my food first thing the next morning, I was ready for him.
“Where is he? I need to see him now,”
I demanded.
Rossi tilted his head and lifted an eyebrow.
“Yes, I’m going to get louder until he comes down here on his own and explains this.”
All I got was a sniff or snort of laughter. He was trying not to laugh, but didn’t do a great job of it.
“Seriously, what can I do to him when I’m down here? Doesn’t he owe me an explanation of some sort?”
I yelled at Rossi.
He just shook his head and went back to the elevator.
I still had my notebook, and I’d begun to mark the days.
With nothing else to do between meals, I started working out reasons why he might have done this.
A: He wants me to miss him.
Well, mission accomplished asshole.
B: He had to travel and didn’t get to tell me.
But if he was doing that, why not just have Rossi tell me?
C: This was another tactic in his toolbox of let’s make Collette’s life miserable.
I spent hours working through every angle. Nothing made sense.
Food arrived again, but I gave Rossi the silent treatment. He didn’t need me to talk when he wasn’t saying anything to me.
All day I fumed. I didn’t want to do anything to hurt myself because under the circumstances I might not get noticed for days.
What if Ian did leave me here? I’d been abandoned again. That was all I was good for.
My parents had abandoned me when they died. They’d been out drinking before driving home and crashed. What would motivate parents to do that?
Then in home after home, I’d tried to make friends only to have be yanked away and put into a strange place.
No one had ever called or tried to find me after I moved.
Even Andy had abandoned me. It wasn’t his fault, but part of me felt he must have known that danger was just around the corner. His gut instinct should have kept him alive.
Then again, how could I fault him when I’d gotten myself into a no-win situation.
I might die here. Abandoned and left to be found by some team of developers when they tore down the cabin above for the city’s expansion, years in the future.
That’s what my life had come to…just a set of bones left to rot.
No mark on the world. I hadn’t made things better in any way. With Andy gone, there wasn’t a single person that would mourn my death.
Ian wouldn’t mourn me; I was a used up toy now.
Breakfast came, but I didn’t even bother to get up.
What was the point? No one would care if I ate.
My stomach started to cramp, and I weakly made my way to the restroom. Nothing came out because I hadn’t eaten in two or was it three days?
They’d all started to blur together.
He was gone. Everyone I’d ever cared for left me. It was the only thing that happened in my life. Abandonment.
Ian was his own special brand of evil. Someone not afraid of the consequences of their actions. He’d gone out of his way to make e care before abandoning me.
Anger filled me, and I stood up from the toilet I’d been hanging over for what seemed like hours.
I’d eat and survive and find Andy’s killer, and someday forget Ian Holdt ever existed.
Squaring my shoulders, I marched out of the room and paused at the intercom.
Ian needed to realize that this wasn’t how people were treated. It wasn’t acceptable.
I’d played his game and would keep at it because, as he reminded me so often, I’d chosen this.
My finger hit the intercom button as the lights flashed and darkness filled the room.
“Go to hell,”
I snarled. “I’ve done everything you asked, and this is what you do?”
The room swayed as the tears began to fall.
I’ll find out what he knows, Andy. I’ll find your killer. The world lurched and went black as I collapsed on the floor.