7. Seeking Closure
SEVEN
SEEKING CLOSURE
Vivian
Alone once again in one of the Yulen Medical storage rooms, I meticulously clean the glassware that had once stored samples of Syasku’s blood.
It’s been a month since I last saw him, and by now I thought the whole mess would be behind me. I would forget what happened, and life would go back to some semblance of normal where I could focus on my research. There would be a couple of days to settle my emotions and process all that had happened, but that would be it. I’d be fine.
Except life is anything but normal, and I’m not fine.
I don’t know what I am.
Glancing to my left, I stare at the medical machine and the podule with the bed inside—the very same machine Syasku was attached to. My dry hands pause cleaning the glassware, and setting it down, I lean against the lab bench.
I’ve purified and reset the machine, hoping the ritual would officially close that chapter of my life… and then I cleaned it again. And again.
No matter how many times I’ve wiped rubbing alcohol over the bed he lay upon, I can’t fully remove his scent or the memories of him on it.
His smell clings to it, a wet, musky, fresh earth… I can’t eradicate it no matter how hard I try, and to my frustration, I also can’t get enough of it. I return every night, hoping his musk will be gone, and taking with it my strange obsession. Only to be flooded with relief to discover that his scent still lingers.
No matter how hard I want to, I’m not ready to close that chapter of my life.
Walking over to the podule, my eyes flutter closed, and I lean forward to rest my head on the plastic cushion covering the bed. A moment passes before my nostrils adjust to the smell of acetone, finding his scent among it. When I get a whiff, I bend forward and relax my upper body against the bed, exhaling with relief.
Settling in, I’m lulled further by the white noise—the incessant beeping of the machines and wooshes of the air vents around me. When a yawn escapes and exhaustion creeps in, I climb onto the bed and curl onto my side. A pleasant warmth spreads through me, vanquishing the chill in the air. I reach down and slide my hands into my pants, brushing my fingers over my clit. Closing my eyes with pleasure, my fingers pick up speed. Sweet sensation builds between my legs and I moan, picturing Syasku, picturing his cock.
Syasku’s capture was the most exciting thing that has happened to me, and now I don’t know how to go back to monotony and dull subservience.
Pulling my hand out from my pants, I press my legs together and roll over to stare at the ceiling. Waiting for the swollen, tingly sensation to fade, I take a few minutes to indulge in it. I don’t know what I’m going to do when it’s gone for good. Saddening from the prospect, I rise off the cushion with a curse and return to the job at hand.
Chemicals, cleaning bots, and elbow grease won’t remove Syasku’s earthy musk. Only time will, and that’s the last thing I want to give.
Because of him . The word resonates in my mind as I stare at the imprint of my body on the cushion, replaying the last few minutes I saw him once again in my head—the way his cock sprang free, how he gazed at me like I was a meal to be devoured, and worse yet, the brief pang of jealousy when I asked him if he had a family or a mate…
Shaking my thoughts away with another curse, I stomp back to the lab bench and toss my rag into the sink. I’m being ridiculous. Syasku isn’t even human, and even if circumstances were different, why in the world would he ever consider me as someone he’d want around? My research and my work with Ursula is all I know. I can’t even offer him a good conversation—I don’t know how. I’ve never been allowed to be social.
Coming here every night has been a testament to my willpower, an acknowledgment of my obsession, and the delusion of denying there’s an obsession at all. Coming here has given me something to cling to that’s different from everything I know.
I haven’t seen Syasku since Ursula dropped me from the team. I’ve waited for her to request me and one of my machines again, but she hasn’t. In fact, I’ve barely seen her, except in passing. I should be thankful that she’s too busy to notice me, but it only spurs my curiosity further.
I was getting through to him. I was… connecting with him, possibly even getting him to trust me. I was making progress.
Why drop me? I caught her in the hallway one day and found the courage to ask, and all she said was that she had no need for my medical tech and that my time would be better used in the hospital bay and doing what I do best. Was it because I disobeyed?
I’ve mulled over the idea that she has another Yulen working for her, but that doesn’t make any sense. The majority of my extended family lives on other colony ships or works in other sectors of The Dreadnaut . I’m the only one of us who is an expert on the machines themselves—the coding, the hard and software—whereas those who have the same DNA as me here have pursued other aspects of medicine.
Yulen is a corporate dynasty, and family doesn’t actually mean family . We’re essentially strangers, at most coworkers. We share DNA, and that’s all. When I initially tried seeking them out, Father made it clear I was a Volp first, a Yulen second. The disinterest of my donor mother made that even clearer. And bringing in another of the Yulen DNA line has its own set of problems… If another joined the project, there would at least be rumors and sightings of them being here. I have not heard or seen anything.
No. I haven’t been replaced.
I’ve just been dismissed.
So now when everyone is asleep and my shift is over, I head here or to my office to read through the newest compilation of data collected from the naga to sate my curiosity. I might have been dismissed, but nobody thought to remove my access to the datasets uploaded each day.
Reading through the new data tells me that there’s still research being done on Syasku. It doesn’t tell me that he’s still alive, only that the research on him continues. Other than that, the data doesn’t say much that I don’t already know.
Glancing at the podule bed again, I stop my feet from walking back over to it and lying down. The tingling between my legs hasn’t lessened, and annoyed, I turn away. Sniffing the plastic, hoping for another whiff, isn’t going to help me move on.
Still… I can’t help wondering what’s happening to him and if he’s alive or not. I hope he’s still alive. I’ve become obsessed. Whether it’s because of the fever or my anger over being dismissed, I don’t know, but it’s been a month and I’m still looking into random rooms, hoping Syasku might be in one of them.
Either way, staying here and cleaning glass that’s already been cleaned isn’t going to help anybody.
I leave the storage room, bypassing the security doors to the medical research sector with a simple scan. Along the dimly lit corridors that signify the night shift are toxic waste cans, barren benches, and the occasional chair pushed up against the wall. It’s quiet this late in the ship’s cycle and eerie.
The Dreadnaut’s Medical Research Unit hasn’t been refurbished in nearly sixty years. This is pretty recent compared to other parts of the ship that haven’t been restored in centuries like The Dreadnaut’s infamous rust pit—a six-floor drop through jagged detritus that descends straight to the ship’s heart. People go there to commit suicide. There’s always talk amongst the staff about it.
Hearing voices up ahead, I approach an open alcove where there are tables and chairs. Several researchers are sitting among them, quietly talking to one another.
Normally I would move right along and keep going, unwilling to brave social interaction, but tonight I don’t want to go home just to toss and turn in bed, wishing I never left the storage room to begin with.
Sitting down at one of the tables, I open my bag and pretend to work, hoping someone might start gossiping. Looking at the few people around me, I know every one of their names—even some of their families. They know me too, or at least they think they do. It’s hard to cavort when I’m one of Supreme Commander Volp’s children.
My eyes lock with Dr. Folik Holmes, one of the research sector’s neuroscientists and a friend of Ursula’s. Being young, and new to his position, Folik’s been making power moves to become head neuroscientist. He smiles at me when our eyes catch. I blink in surprise and smile back. He rises from his seat and sits down in the empty one next to me.
My stomach drops. Maybe I should’ve kept walking.
“You’re up late,” he says awkwardly, looking around at the others to make sure this wasn’t some kind of setup and that I’m here by chance.
Why else would he join me? It’s risky to get close to me. It gets you noticed.
Then again… I think Folik wants to be noticed. If he’s trying to get closer to Ursula, going through me, her boss’s daughter, isn’t the worst move he could make. It just won’t amount to much.
“So are you,” I respond, settling into my seat with weariness, unable to stop myself from glancing around to see if I’m being set up.
Both of us are suspicious of the other. If I were normal, someone like Folik would be a catch to contract with, but that’s not what this is about. Folik would never risk his career by being with me, and I would never indulge him if he suggested it.
He’s a former coworker of my… mother’s.
He crosses his arms on the table after swiping back his hair over his shoulder and leans forward. “I hear you’ve seen the alien.”
My spine straightens. “I… have.”
“What was it like? Is it as dangerous as everyone thinks it is?”
I lick my lips. “I would think so.”
“You don’t know? I thought you worked directly with Dr. Ursula.”
“I do. Well, I did.” Should I have told him that?
He squints, his narrowed eyes trailing over my face. “Not anymore?”
I shake my head, hating his scrutiny. “Not right now. I’m needed in the hospital with the influx of wounded soldiers coming back from Earth,” I lie. He doesn’t need to know I’ve been dismissed from her team.
He sits back. “Sad. I was hoping you may be able to sneak me in to see it.”
“It’s not an it. It’s a he.”
“Interesting. The aliens do have genders.”
Feeling awkward, I look away and at anything other than him. “Why?” I blurt out, unable to help myself, wondering if he’s spoken to others about Syasku and what he might know if he knows anything at all.
“Well, because the way you’re talking, it means he’s still alive.”
I stare at him.
Folik shrugs. “Information about it—him—is hard to come by.”
“It’s supposed to be classified. No one should be talking about it,” I remind him, my feet shifting nervously under me. “It could get them in trouble.”
Folik gives me a smile like I’m being cute. “I heard the alien has been killed though.”
I keep my eyes from widening as my surprise comes streaking back. “He’s alive,” I croak. I know he is—I check his data every single night. Right?
He has to be alive… twisting my fingers together, now more than ever, I want to return to my office and read through the latest data logs again.
“I’m hoping that’s the case. I’ve put in a request to the head of the department to study him.”
“Oh.” Behind him, I see the people at the other tables sneak glances at us. As I grow increasingly uncomfortable with the conversation, I begin to doubt if I actually know Syasku’s alive. Maybe the data was collected from old samples.
“Maybe we could help each other out.”
My gaze cuts back to Folik. “What do you mean?” My brow furrows.
“It’s a shame what happened to Laura. She was a hard worker and good at her job.” Folik crosses his arms.
My lips pinch at the sound of my mother’s name. But he has my attention despite the uneasy feeling growing in my stomach. Where he’s going with this, I have no idea. He wouldn’t bait me if he just wanted to study Syasku.
When he realizes he has me, he continues, “Laura’s office was next to mine. She had gotten quite involved with the officer of one of Earth’s first ground missions, Officer Celeste, I believe. Laura was her doctor while she was in quarantine. When Laura fled, Celeste left with her. The question is why? Why did a distinguished doctor and a decorated officer flee?”
I frown, taking in what he’s telling me. I had the impression my mother left alone.
“I thought, if you want, I could take you to her office. If anyone is going to unencrypt her notes, I figured it would be you, another Yulen.”
It’s no secret I’m Laura’s daughter, especially amongst the medical community. Seeing the same people in your sector day in and day out your entire life, stuff like that gets out.
“Why do you think I care about her notes?” I ask.
“You’re working on decrypting Yulen tech. I’d assumed that would make you care.”
I pause. My mother’s old office is on the same floor as Ursula’s, just on the opposite side. All the senior medical staff have offices near one another. I haven’t been up there in years, not since I was brought in to be her assistant. Ursula rarely uses it, preferring to remain on the laboratory floors and in her other office there, but I bet her data is still accessible there.
If I could get inside, maybe I could figure out what’s going on. If I can confirm Syasku’s alive, that he’s okay… I can finally get some form of closure. Maybe my guilt would fade.
“I…”
It would be risky. I’m not a hacker. And if he is alive, he’s not going to be okay. The last thing I saw was Ursula binding his erection to keep it from retreating into his tail. But if he’s alive and I could locate him, I could help him. It might be a longshot, but it would at least get rid of my doubt.
Trying not to rub my hands down my face. I’m obsessed if I’m debating risking being punished for more information. Factual information. It’s either that or returning to the Yulen storages every night and checking the daily data logs while hoping for another whiff of his scent.
Folik shrugs. “Think about it.”
“What do you want in return?” I eye him suspiciously.
A smile grows on his face. “A good word about me to Ursula and your father. Being the first to map the alien’s brain… well… That would be something. That would make me famous.”
I sit forward and clasp my trembling hands together, ignoring the pounding in my chest, and the prickles of excitement spreading across my skin.
“Deal, but we have to go now.”
Folik’s smile morphs into a grin and he rises to his feet, the chair scraping the floor behind him. Standing with him, I follow him as he makes his way back the way I came without a second’s thought.
I’m just going to snoop , I tell myself. I’m not risking my life in any way. I’ll be fine.