Chapter 11
Eleven
“What are we going to do today, Daddy?”
Jack tossed the skillet with a flick of his wrist, and the pancake he was frying flipped over perfectly.
“Can you do that with an omelet?” Holly asked, smiling.
“Never tried it.”
“My daddy can do anything.” Sam beamed proudly, his missing front tooth making his smile all the more loveable.
“I’m sure he can.” Holly turned to wink at Jack.
He winked back. “Haven’t had too many complaints about my skills.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Sam said. “What are we going to do today?”
“Well, it’s Sunday. How about we get our chores done early and spend the day relaxing with Holly. I owe her a walk around the ranch.”
“A walk? Boring!”
“You can stay here with Luisa if a walk doesn’t appeal to you. Holly and I can take Lacy and Max with us. They’ll love it.”
“No, I wanna go,” Sam said.
“Good,” Holly said. “We’d love your company.” She meant it. The little boy had wormed his way into her heart in but a day.
“Yep, we sure would, pal.” Jack slid the pancake onto Sam’s plate. “You want another, sugar?”
“Are you kidding? I’m stuffed. I shudder to think how much you’re going to have to feed Sam when he hits his teens.” She laughed. “You’ll go broke.”
“Just like my mom and dad did.” Jack let out a chuckle. “Teenage boys are bottomless pits. Don’t I know it.” He turned to Sam, who was busily buttering his flapjack. “You stay here with Holly for a few minutes. I need to make a phone call in the office.”
“Okay, Daddy.”
Holly eyed the boy as he slathered syrup over the pancake and then dived in. He was a beautiful child. If only…
“What kind of things do you like to do, Sam? Other than ride horses and help your dad.”
“Lots of things,” he said through a mouthful. “Play games with Luisa and Carlos. Sometimes I get to spend the night at their house. Or at my grandma’s. That’s fun. She makes really good cookies. Chocolate chip are my favorite.”
“They’re my favorite too.” Holly smiled.
“Plus, there’s some kids my age who live close to my grandma, and she invites them over when I’m there. Derek and Kathleen. They’re twins.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. They’re six too, and it’s fun to play with other kids. There aren’t any who live around here.”
“I’m sorry about that. Do you get lonely, Sam?”
“Sometimes. When Daddy’s workin’ all day and Luisa’s busy. One day, I hope I’ll have a little brother. I really want a little brother. I’ve wanted one forever. Daddy says maybe someday. I’ve been waitin’ a long time.”
Holly’s throat constricted and her tummy sank to her bowels. Icy fingers crept along her spine. Sam wanted a little brother.
Luisa hurried into the kitchen waving a dust rag. “Off, you two. It’s time for me to clean up in here.”
Holly stared at Luisa and then said in a robotic tone, “Please, let me do it.”
“Nonsense, it’s what I’m paid for. You go have a fun day with Jack and Sam.”
A fun day with Jack and Sam. Right. The air in the kitchen seemed thick, suffocating.
Little brother? Oh, God.
“Luisa? I need a favor.”
Luisa turned from the sink. “What do you need? I’ll help if I can.”
“Sam? Can you run along and play for a little while? I need to talk to Luisa.”
“Sure thing. See you later.” He ambled off, whistling a lively tune.
“What is it?” Luisa asked, concern etched along her brow. “Is something wrong?”
“I’m afraid so. I need to leave. I don’t have a car. Jack drove me.”
“What’s wrong? Is it an emergency?”
“No, no. Nothing like that.” The only emergency is that I need to get out of here. Her breath caught in her chest. Breathe, Holly. Breathe.
“How can I get a ride home? Will a cab come out here?”
“Carlos can drive you home. He gets Sundays off.”
“God. Thank you. I’ll owe you both big time. Where’s Jack?”
“He’s in his office. Then he said something about checking on a few things in the main barn.”
“Will he be gone long, do you think?”
“I don’t know. You can run out and tell him what’s going on.”
“No!” Holly adjusted her voice quickly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so upset.” But upset she was. “I need to get home right away. How quickly can Carlos get here?”
“In a couple minutes. Please, Holly, can you tell me what’s wrong? Jack will be worried.”
“It’s nothing to worry about. Just something came up that I need to take care of.”
“What do you want me to tell Jack?”
“Just that. I’ll… I’ll call him later. Tell him not to worry.”
“Okay. If you say so.”
Holly raced to the bedroom while Luisa picked up the kitchen phone, presumably to call Carlos.
Within fifteen minutes, she was packed and in Carlos’s truck, driving toward downtown Denver.
The only problem was, she’d left her heart at Jack’s ranch.
* * *
Jack didn’t call her. Hell, she didn’t blame him, the way she’d run off like a freaking coward. Minutes turned into hours as she lay on her bed, holding her pillow to her face, inhaling Jack’s scent. She’d never wash that pillow case. How long would the aroma last? It would slowly dwindle away, and she’d be left with nothing.
Why had she fallen in love with him? A man so young, so vibrant, with a beautiful little son who deserved so much more than she could ever give either of them.
Now she had no one to turn to.
It served her right for leading Jack on far too long.
Wait! The Cougar Club chatters!
Night had fallen, and darkness surrounded her. She glanced at her alarm clock. Nine-thirty. Would anyone be in the chatroom on a Sunday night? Of course, the other day she had logged on at midnight and three women were there.
It couldn’t hurt to try.
Still hugging her pillow laced with Jack’s musky fragrance, she wandered into her office and fired up the computer.
MrsRobinson: Holly, good evening! Nice to see you again. Afraid it’s just you and me tonight. Sundays are usually pretty low key.
Holly typed frantically, correcting typos as she went.
HollyGolightly: I’m so glad someone’s in here. I really need to talk.
MrsRobinson: Talk away. That’s what I’m here for.
Where did she begin? She sat and tapped the spacebar for what seemed like hours.
MrsRobinson: You still there?
HollyGolightly: Yes.
MrsRobinson: You’re safe here, Holly.
Safe. That’s what ILoveCubs had told her the first time she’d wandered into this chatroom. Safe. She could tell her story. Tell it to someone who might understand. MrsRobinson’s name was Megan, wasn’t it?
HollyGolightly: May I call you Megan?
MrsRobinson: Of course. Is your real name Holly?
HollyGolightly: Yes.
MrsRobinson: What’s going on? I’ll help if I can.
Holly inhaled deeply and blew the air out in a slow stream. Megan couldn’t help. No one could. But at least she could listen. Holly had never said these things out loud. But for the first time, she needed to get it all out.
HollyGolightly: I met a man. A wonderful man. He’s 29, and I’m 40. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him, but I couldn’t help it. He’s nothing like I imagined he’d be. We actually met on a one-night stand. Something I never do…
MrsRobinson: Why did you do it that time, then?
Holly sighed. The million dollar question.
HollyGolightly: I was in a bad place. I had just been diagnosed with cervical cancer.
There, she’d said it.
MrsRobinson: I’m so sorry, Holly. Are you okay now?
Okay? Physically, sure, she was okay. A picture of health, in fact. But emotionally? A wreck.
HollyGolightly: Yes. It hadn’t spread, thank God. I didn’t need any radiation or chemo. They got it all.
Yes, they had gotten it all, but at what cost?
MrsRobinson: I’m so glad to hear that.
HollyGolightly: Problem is, they did a hysterectomy. I got to keep one ovary, to keep my hormones balanced, but other than that, I’m empty. I’ve never been married, never had kids. I had to accept that I never would.
MrsRobinson: I’m so sorry, Holly.
HollyGolightly: I tried to look at the bright side. I was alive. They’d caught it in time to cure me. I’d gone this long without kids, and my biological clock was ticking anyway. I wasn’t in a relationship, so what did it matter? I figured any man I’d get involved with would probably have kids by now anyway. At least those are the things I told myself. Do you have kids, Megan?
It was a while before she answered. Holly knew Megan was pitying her, which annoyed her.
MrsRobinson: Two girls.
HollyGolightly: You must be very proud of them.
MrsRobinson: I am. They’re both in college now.
HollyGolightly: So you’re divorced?
MrsRobinson: From their father, yes. I’m remarried. To my cub.
HollyGolightly: How old is he?
MrsRobinson: He’s forty, and he never wanted kids. He’s a wonderful stepfather, though. Joy and Laurie adore him.
So Megan had gotten lucky and found herself a cub who didn’t want kids. Holly cleared her throat and began to type.
HollyGolightly: When Jack—that’s his name—came back into my life out of the blue, I didn’t want to get involved. I knew I could never give him what he deserved—a family. He was very persistent and so attractive. I caved. Now I’m in too deep.
MrsRobinson: Have you told him the truth?
HollyGolightly: No. I can barely think about it myself. This is the first time I’ve talked to anyone about it.
MrsRobinson: You need to tell him.
HollyGolightly: It’s too late now. I hung on way too long without telling him. He has a son, you know. An adorable kid. Six years old. Was never married to the mom and she’s not in the picture. When I found out, I was ecstatic. I figured maybe he’d be okay with not having more kids. That’s not the case.
MrsRobinson: How did you find out?
HollyGolightly: Eating breakfast with his kid. He told me he really wanted a little brother, and that his dad had told him maybe someday. That pretty much takes me out of the picture. Which I knew from the beginning. This is my own fault for getting in so deep. But now…
She couldn’t finish the sentence so she hit enter. Tears had blurred the computer screen.
MrsRobinson: Now what, Holly?
Holly sniffed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Where was her damned box of tissues?
HollyGolightly: Now I’ve involved his son. He’ll be hurt. His son will be hurt. And I’ll be hurt. I should have ended it before now. Then I’d be the only one hurting. God knows I’ve dealt with that before, and I could have dealt with it again.
MrsRobinson: There’s still time to salvage this, Holly. If this man loves you, he won’t care that you can’t give him another child.
HollyGolightly: He never said he loved me.
MrsRobinson: But you love him.
With all her heart.
HollyGolightly: Yes.
MrsRobinson: Then how can you give up? You have to try. Tell him the truth.
HollyGolightly: Can it work, Megan? This whole cougar thing? I don’t know. I mean, twenty years from now he’ll be in his prime, and I’ll be an old lady.
MrsRobinson: First of all, sixty is not an old lady. Not anymore. And yes, it can work. I’ll grant you that I got lucky, finding a cub who wasn’t interested in having children.
HollyGolightly: When I was in here the other night, Charlene’s relationship was ending because her cub wanted a family and she was done with that.
MrsRobinson: Yes, that does happen sometimes. I can’t lie to you. But you’re a little bit ahead of Charlene. Your Jack already has a child.
HollyGolightly: But he wants more.
MrsRobinson: Are you sure about that?”
HollyGolightly: That’s what his son said.
MrsRobinson: But you’ve never had this conversation with him?
HollyGolightly: No.
MrsRobinson: You need to. Talk to him. If he cares for you, he’ll listen. Maybe you can find a way to compromise.
HollyGolightly: How? I can’t give him a child.
MrsRobinson: It’s not all black and white, Holly. You can adopt. And you still have an ovary. If you really want a child of your own body, you can try in vitro fertilization with a surrogate. There are many ways to have children these days.
HollyGolightly: But I’m so old! I’d be sixty when the kid graduated high school.
MrsRobinson: Sounds like you already wrote the whole thing off.
HollyGolightly: I kind of had to, when I got my diagnosis. I had to accept that I’d never be a mother. Then Jack came along again, and I found myself wanting something that I thought I’d closed the door on.
MrsRobinson: Why didn’t you just tell him the truth from the beginning?
Good question. Why hadn’t she?
HollyGolightly: I honestly don’t know.
MrsRobinson: Were you afraid he’d leave you?
HollyGolightly: I never thought of it in those terms. I always knew I’d have to leave him eventually.
MrsRobinson: So you made the choice for him.
HollyGolightly: I guess I did.
MrsRobinson: Then you’ve sold him short. Let him decide. The worst he can do is break it off, and you’ll be no worse off than you are now.
True enough. Why hadn’t she thought of it in this way? Because she’d been too busy feeling sorry for herself and too busy being selfish. She’d strung Jack along because she couldn’t bear to say goodbye. Then she’d escaped in a haze of cowardice when the going got rough. No more.
HollyGolightly: You’re absolutely right, Megan. Thank you so much! I’m going to call him right now.
MrsRobinson: Yes! Let me know how it works out. I’ll cheer for you if you have good news and I’ll hold your hand if it’s bad. That’s what we’re here for.
HollyGolightly: You’re a gem. I’ll log back on when I have news.
She hurriedly logged off, a spark of energy radiating throughout her. She grabbed her cell phone out of her purse, and then stopped abruptly.
She didn’t have Jack’s number.
All this time, and she hadn’t thought to get his number.
How had she fallen head over heels for a man and not gotten his phone number?
She’d truly lost her mind. And her heart.
Calling information proved fruitless. He was unlisted. She didn’t know Luisa’s last name, either, so she couldn’t call her. She did, though, have Mark’s cell number and email on her course syllabus. He’d said his students could contact him anytime. She checked her watch. Somehow, she knew he hadn’t meant she could call him at ten thirty at night.
She’d have to wait until morning. She hoped she wouldn’t lose her nerve by then.