47 Days #4
Rhea rejoined the group as they gathered in front of an iPhone on a tripod.
Zoe set the timer and ran into the photo.
Ada was holding Obinna, and Marcus was holding the birthday girl.
Ekele looked around, and instead of throwing a fit, he reached for Rhea to pick him up.
She did so while downplaying her shock; Ekele was finally warming up to his wacky aunt Rhea.
—
She drove home through the winding canyon with a car riding close to her tail, as usual. She began the ascent up her street, turned onto her driveway, and softly gasped when she saw Danny’s truck.
She stared at it, hoping it was not an apparition.
She got out of her car and ran up fifty-two steps with a racing pulse.
Danny stood when he saw her; he had been sitting on the wooden bench she’d recently purchased.
His black hair was swept back from nervously running his hands through it, and his deep eyes took her in.
He was so beautiful; she wanted to punch him in the face.
“Hi…I was just about to call you,” he said.
“Hi…” She could not say more words; she was out of breath from running up the stairs and being in his presence.
“I, uh, just really wanted to talk to you in person, but I should have called first—”
“No, it’s okay—”
“I’ve just been thinking about you…pretty much nonstop since you came over—and actually before you came over, I think about you too much honestly, but I didn’t want to reach out again until I knew exactly what to say…
and…well, I, uh, I am a…pretty stubborn person…
. I can be very rigid—I’m working on it—but sometimes I’m blinded by my own bullheadedness.
And what you said was right; I am afraid of failing as a parent, like my parents did.
And I have so many other reasons for not wanting kids, as you know, but I do think that’s the biggest one… .”
Tears formed in Rhea’s eyes. Danny had now seen her cry so many times, she did not even attempt to quell them.
He continued, “I think I’ve been pretty lonely for most of my life and I really wanted work and friends to fix that.
I was always busy and meeting new people, but the loneliness was still there.
Except when I was with you—I didn’t feel it anymore.
Maybe for the first time in my life, I felt like someone could actually see me and hear me and I could be myself completely…
. But I’m so scared of messing up a kid, so I let you go.
And it crushed me because you’re the most important person to me, my favorite person, I think you’re the love of my life. ”
His voice cracked, and tears poured down Rhea’s face; she was able to cry enough for both of them.
“And I—I don’t know if I’ll ever get there with the parenting stuff, but I really want to try. I want to freeze embryos. I want to say ‘maybe someday.’ ”
“I don’t need you to do that—”
“And I don’t think I could be standing here if you hadn’t told me that—’cause I can’t offer you anything concrete and I don’t want to hurt you—”
“I don’t need concrete. Life isn’t concrete.”
“I know, but I really do want to try and get there…for me. I want to get to the place mentally and emotionally where I can take that step. I think having kids might be the most radical act of optimism. Good parents are basically saying, ‘I can ensure my kid has a wonderful life and I believe our world will get better,’ and I want to feel that way. Being with you actually…makes me feel that way…when I’m with you, I am more optimistic than I ever knew was possible.
I used to think coyotes were just another sign of humans encroaching on wildlife… and now I call them all Steve.”
Rhea laughed.
“And I really do think we would be good parents, Rhea—maybe that’s na?ve, but I think we would. I want to live with you. I want my family to be your family—apologies in advance. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to be the best version of myself with you. I love you…more than anything.”
He wiped the tears off her chin and waited for her to speak.
“I…love you too. I love everything about you, even your stubbornness…. I can’t stand it when we’re apart…but—”
“Let’s not be apart—I don’t wanna be apart ever again—”
“But I…just wanna be really clear…I genuinely don’t know if I want to have kids. Part of me still does, but I really don’t know what I want.”
“And that’s okay too,” he said quickly. “I don’t know what I want either. We can figure it out together.”
Relief washed over both of them. He took a step toward her.
She took a step toward him. And they each held on to the one thing they were certain of.
The sun dipped below the Santa Monica Mountains as Rhea kissed the man she wanted so badly.
His lips, his hands, the sound of his breath; it all thrust Rhea sharply into the present.
The perfect present moment where everything was okay.
Rhea went to unlock her front door, then turned back to him, suddenly shy. “You’re…staying here—right?”
“I am staying,” he said.
Those three words meant more to Rhea than any others in existence. He followed her inside, and as she turned to close her door, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a hummingbird hover on her porch…then dart out into the sunset.