Epilogue Two
Great to be here, Don.
Hi, Don.
Love the show, Don.
Well, so…I have to admit this is a new one for me.
We’ve never done pools, but, sadly, Leroy, our model-trains guy, is now laying track with the Big Guy upstairs, and we thought, Why not give something new a whirl?
It’s summertime, it’s getting warm, and, given that, in a couple of years, there is a good chance that North America will be a fire-ravaged wasteland incompatible with outdoor life, there is no time better than now to enjoy it.
You got it, Don.
Now, I have to be honest, I love a dip like the next guy, but I never really understood having a pool in New England, a region where you get three months of swimming weather, max. But, Mike Jennings, I understand that there are people around here who do that.
Absolutely, Don. A pool’s a lovely thing. Summer may be short, but memories last forever.
Right, sounds like you plucked that line right off your website. But listen, first thing I have to ask you: I have a friend in Massachusetts who came home and found an entire herd of deer, frozen. In his pool. Ever seen that?
A herd’s a lot, Don. Certainly, we see porcupine, the occasional muskrat, even a deer once in a blue moon, but I haven’t seen a herd.
Pete?
Lots of frogs, Don. Plagues of them.
Gail?
Don, I’m a public-health officer specializing in pool safety. I don’t think you want to hear what I have seen.
Got it, sweetheart. Well, looks like our phone lines are as backed up as a skimmer after a kiddie swim party. Let’s go now to Todd in Wilmington. Todd.
Hey, Don, so, first of all, I wanted to start out with an apology. I’ve been calling in for months now, trying to get my question answered about my pool…
Todd! You’re the guy! Toddette!
Yeah, I’m the guy, Don! Please, don’t hold it against me.
Todd, let’s get this over with, my friend, okay? Once and for all.
Okay, but I think you’ll understand why I need some expert advice.
You see, about a year ago, we were down in North Carolina during the summer, just for a week, and when we came back, we found the pool completely empty, I mean bone-dry, and, worse than that, it was about three feet out of the ground.
Holy Moses. Mike Jennings?
This one I have heard of, Don. Usually, this happens when a pool is emptied but someone forgets to open a drain called an equilibration valve that sits on the bottom and allows water to come back in to release pressure in the surrounding earth.
If it’s not opened, the whole pool becomes a kind of empty container, and if there is water pressure in the surrounding soil, it can either push the walls in, or lift the whole thing out of the ground.
We call it the $150,000 valve. Todd, I’m sorry to hear that.
Sorry, Todd.
Tough break, Todd.
Todd, I can see why you kept calling. I’d be mighty worked up myself.
Thanks, guys. But that’s just the start of it, you see.
I’d actually heard about this sort of thing—there was this lady it happened to in Connecticut some time ago, and she was on TV, suing the pool guy.
But, see, I didn’t drain my pool—no way, why would I do that?
So…I’m thinking there must be some kind of leak, and, sure enough, when I went down inside to check it out, and cleaned away some dirt and leaves, there’s this thin crack running right along the bottom.
Ouch.
Yeah, well, then, over the next few days, it opens further—never seen anything like it—about two feet across, and we called just about every contractor, every plumber we knew, but we live up in the hills, can’t get anyone to come.
Guys happy to get paid to build a pool, but no money in fixing it, right, and, meanwhile, every day the crack is getting wider.
My wife says let it go, but I’m kind of a DIY guy, so I went down and started poking around, and by then part of the crack was wide enough for me to lower myself down inside it, just barely, but I’m a skinny guy, I love my wife, but her cooking…
anyway, thing is…and this is the part where you are going to think I’m crazy, but the crack, it leads down into this kind of cave thing, really pretty—the light was coming in from above and just lighting up all the, what do you call them, stalactites, and I go back out and get a flashlight to explore it farther, and, man, if it doesn’t continue!
And I’m going farther and farther, and it’s like there are stairs cut into the floor, like people have been there before, it just goes down and down, and I’m worried about my flashlight going out, but I can’t stop, the whole thing is too exciting.
I’m just a regular guy, right? This sort of discovery isn’t supposed to happen to me.
And then I get to the end of this chamber, and I can see my light isn’t going to last much longer, when there is a door, like a castle door.
And when I open it, that’s when I see it, it’s like…
it’s a whole world, and…and…Don, I want to tell everyone we are not alone!
The old generations are still here, the animals are here, they are all still with us!
Caribou, elk! Chestnuts, Don, and dodos, and the skies!
And the beauty of their cities, their people, their civilizations.
They are good and kind and just, and I’m here now.
The cell service isn’t great, but, if only you could see… the woods, the fields, the firmament!
Todd?
…I can’t…I…
Todd? Got some trouble with the connection.
…Don, I can’t go back, not after where I’ve been. Don, tell my wife I love her!…
Todd, I think we’ve lost you, buddy. Yowzah. I’m used to nutters, but that one…man! Let’s see what our guests think. Mike? Gail? Pete? Any thoughts? Mike Jennings, you are shaking your head.
First for me, Don.
Gail?
I mean, there is a lot of take-home here about pool safety.
Pete?
Not sure Todd needs a plumber, Don.
Ha, no kidding, brother. All right, let’s go to Ron in Shadd’s Falls. Let’s see, Ron’s got a question about a dog. What’s with you people? This is pool hour, folks! But, heck, Ron, let’s have it. This is America! Woof! You’re on the air. Woof! Woof!