24. Jillian
TWENTY-FOUR
Jillian
I spy on them sitting at the table, toy horses between them. They’ve only met a handful of times. It’s crazy how at ease Jamie is with Elliott. He’s wary of most people. My heart was about to explode after watching Elliott and Jamie playing together and communicating in sign language. Not even my parents cared enough to attempt learning a few basic words that would help make video calls easier for Jamie. To see him opening up to Elliott both scares and comforts me. I fear Jamie will get attached and when Elliott decides he’s had enough of me and everything that I come with and leaves, it will break Jamie’s heart all over again.
What about your heart? That annoying voice in my head that sounds a lot like Sheila’s pops up. Don’t worry about me, I’d tell her if she were standing here. My heart was pulverized the day I lost CJ.
“Enough of this,” I whisper to myself. Then gather the salad bowl and breadbasket and bring them over to the table. “What are you guys up to? ”
Elliott taps on the table with one of the toy horses. “We’re having a race. Do you want a horse?”
Jamie’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, indicating this was not his idea.
“A race, huh? Okay. I’ll play. But the loser has to do all the dishes after.”
Elliott rubs his stomach. “The food was amazing. Thank you for preparing this meal.”
Jamie nods in agreement and rubs his belly, imitating Elliott. A yawn follows. How much is Jamie missing having a man, a father figure in his life? He’s clearly taken with Elliott. God, what do I do? Is it even right to allow Jamie to get attached? What will it do to him if a few months from now, Elliott is gone? I push the thoughts aside. This is not the right time for me to go down this dark rabbit hole. I ruffle Jamie’s hair. “It’s bedtime for you. Clean up your toys, please, then go brush your teeth. I’ll be there in a minute, okay?”
Jamie looks up at me with a smile and nods. Then he turns toward Elliott, his expression serious now. Can we keep the cupcakes? he signs.
Elliott looks up at me for a translation.
“He wants to know if he can keep the leftover cupcakes.”
Elliott smiles. “Of course. They’re yours.”
Jamie collects his horses and walks down the hall. I start to clean up the table, but Elliott stops me.
“I got this. You go to him.”
I hesitate, then set the dishes back on the table. Smile. “Thank you.” His offer to clean up is unexpected. It’s nice to have someone else take charge of menial chores for a change. CJ absolutely hated doing the dishes. That was one of the things he was forced to do as a child, so I never asked him to. It feels nice to have someone to help, even if it’s something so mundane and small.
When I return, Elliott is already washing dishes in the kitchen. “Hey, I’m almost done here. How is he?”
My heart squeezes and I have to clear my throat before speaking. “Jamie wants you to say good night.” And there it is. My fear of Jamie getting attached already making itself present. No one but me has tucked Jamie in since we lost CJ. He never wanted anyone else to. I do my best to hide my concerns and grin.
A huge smile breaks on Elliott’s face. “He does? I can do that.” He turns off the water and reaches for a dish towel and dries his hands. I wait a few seconds before following him down the hall.
“Hey, buddy. Thanks for having me over for dinner. I had fun playing with you.” Elliott’s voice reaches me outside Jamie’s room.
I can’t hold back and take a peek. Jamie is making the sign for book, his hands palm-to-palm, and then he opens his hands as if opening a book.
“You want me to read a book for you?”
Jamie nods and settles himself into the bed, pulling the covers up to his chest.
“Of course I can read for you. Let’s see what I can find here.” Elliott picks through a pile of books sitting on the night table and grabs Oh, The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss. “How about this one? My mom read it to me when I was your age.”
Jamie gives him a thumbs-up .
Then Elliott sits on the floor next to Jamie’s bed, his back against the nightstand and his elbows propped on his knees so Jamie can see the pages.
I step back into the hall and press my back against the wall, fighting the emotions that threaten to overtake me as Elliott’s soothing voice reaches me. This was CJ’s favorite book to read to Jamie.
Of all the books he could have chosen, it had to be that one. A flood of memories fills me with conflicting feelings. How many times had I watched CJ read that book for Jamie? So much laughter and giggles as CJ acted up on different pages and made different voices. I press my hand to my mouth to stop myself from making a sound and squeeze my eyes shut to keep the tears from coming. I can’t even remember the last time I saw that book, much less read it for Jamie. I’ve never been one to believe in signs, but it feels as if something bigger is at play. But what?
I stay in the hall until Elliott finishes reading the book, then peek around the doorjamb again. Elliott tucks the blankets around Jamie and then brushes his hair off his eyes, leans in, and kisses the top of his head, then turns off the lamp on the nightstand. “Good night, buddy.”
I retreat and make my way to the kitchen on silent steps, rubbing at my eyes as another wall around my heart crumbles to dust.