42. Jillian
FORTY-TWO
Jillian
Leaving the ranch and going back to the city is bittersweet. We had so much fun here. I found a part of myself I thought was lost forever. And Jamie found his voice. Gosh. I can hardly believe Jamie made a sound. I can’t chalk it up to chance and timing. I know it had something to do with Elliott. And this magical place far away from home.
I peek over my shoulder at the back seat. Jamie is already out. His hair falls in white-gold wisps over his forehead. His cheeks are rosy from the fresh air and time outdoors. He’s even got a golden hue to his skin.
My boy needed this as much as I did. More.
Elliott is focused on driving. A Guns N’ Roses song plays softly on the radio. I reach out for him. Touch the bare skin of his forearm. “Thank you.”
His gaze goes to my hand on his arm first, then my eyes. He smiles. I want to kiss those lips. Trace the curve of that smile with my tongue. Taste him once more. No. Not once. Many times over. I can’t believe I feel this way. I never thought I’d be attracted to another man.
I search for that ugly voice in my head, always waiting in the corners of my mind, but it doesn’t come. Guilt over wanting to be with another man is also absent.
It’s simultaneously disconcerting and a relief. I’m sure Sheila would have a lot to say about this. We drive, talking in hushed tones so as not to disturb Jamie. Even Daisy sits quietly in her cage. Her head tilted, eyes watching us as if she can understand what we say.
Elliott reaches across the car console and puts his hand on my knee. The contact is warm and pleasant. “I don’t want this to stop when we get back. I know I said we could be friends and take things slow, but while I was honest with you, I think I was lying to myself.” His gaze leaves the road for a second and meets mine. “I want so much more than friendship with you. And I think you want that as well. We’re good together, don’t you think?”
Wings unfurl and flutter inside my chest. “We are.”
“What do you say about making this thing official?”
I cover his hand with mine. “Official?”
“Yes. Agree we are in an exclusive and committed relationship.”
I smile. All of this is new to me. I’ve never been through the dating thing and declaring to be in a relationship. With CJ, we grew into it. Friends to a couple. It was so easy and natural for us. We evolved into a romantic relationship over years of close friendship. “I agree. The two of us. Together.”
Elliott glances back at Jamie. Smiles. “The three of us.”
I squeeze his hand and he flips it, his palm up. Laces his fingers with mine. My heart speeds up. I want this. I want to be with him. And I don’t want to take it slow anymore. “The three of us.”
Before I know it, Elliott is parking a few yards away from my building. The hours in the car rushes us faster into the city than I wanted. I had such a magical escape away from my daily routine. I fear that coming back home will be like wearing the persona of the Jillian I left behind. A skin that no longer fits me. On the back seat, Jamie unlocks the seat belt strapping him to the car seat and stretches, leaning forward, his little arms wrapping around the headrest of my seat and my neck.
“We’re home, Jamie. You slept all the way here.”
“Home,” Daisy adds to the conversation.
Elliott opens his door and walks around the back to get our luggage.
All too fast, we’re standing in front of my flower shop. A customer leaves the store and the sweet fragrance of flowers follows her carried on a wave of cool air before the door closes and we’re surrounded once again by the July heat and the smell of car exhaust and hot concrete.
“I’ll help you carry everything upstairs. Do you want to go through the store?”
I shake my head. “No, let’s go through the side door. I don’t want to disturb any customers.” Or get the curious looks of my employees.
After we’re all settled, Jamie signs that he wants a snack and walks into the kitchen. The moment he leaves, the air shifts, heavy and charged. Elliott and I stand there, the space between us crackling with unspoken desire. My living room feels impossibly small, his presence overwhelming, his gaze locked on mine. Neither of us moves, neither speaks, but the heat between us is palpable, the kind that makes it impossible to ignore what we both know—if Jamie weren’t here, nothing would be holding us back.
Elliott tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. “Walk me downstairs?”
“Sure.”
“Bye, Jamie,” Elliott calls in the direction of the kitchen.
Jamie walks back with a bag of chips under one arm and a bag of Oreos under the other. An Oreo stuffed in his mouth. Jamie runs to Elliott, and he kneels down, arms open to embrace Jamie, snacks and all. Elliott gives him a hug and ruffles his hair.
“See you soon, buddy.”
I laugh. “Oh, Jamie. Not too many. Save some room for dinner, okay?”
Jamie nods and goes to the couch.
Elliott stands, holding out a hand for me. I lace my fingers with his and we walk downstairs, our shoulders bumping even though the stairs are wide enough to easily accommodate three people side by side.
We stop at the landing. Sunlight paints shapes on the tiled floors through the glass and iron bars on the door. I look up at him. “Thank you again. For everything.”
Elliott traces the curve of my cheek with the back of two fingers. The touch, light and yet intimate, sends shivers down my spine.
“Thank you for coming with me and trusting me. I know this is hard for you. I know you have more than yourself to worry about. And I know Jamie will always come first. That’s the way it should be. I don’t mind playing second in your life if I can be a part of it.”
“I want you to be a part of my life, too. But I’m not exactly sure how to do this. I’ve never really dated anyone before. With my husband, we were always together.”
He smiles. “We’ll figure it out.” Then he leans into me and my body melts into his without hesitation. Our lips meet. Wordless messages pass between us. Promises of more to come. We kiss until my body is vibrating and I’m out of breath. Elliott pulls back, his forehead touching mine. One more gentle kiss on my forehead and he leaves.