15. KORIE
KORIE
As we drive back to the apartment, my heart is racing so hard it feels like it’s trying to crawl out of my chest. My palms are slick and every nerve in my body is lit up with something that feels like a mix of anticipation and panic.
Is this really happening?
My stomach flips, and I glance at Holden. He’s gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly, eyes focused ahead. When he sees me watching, he takes my hand.
I grimace at how sweaty my palm is, but don’t pull away. I need the connection.
Holden pulls our joined hands closer to him, saying nothing—not a single word as he stares out the front window. And somehow that makes it worse—better? Bigger. Definitely bigger. Like he knows there’s a full-on war happening inside my head and he’s choosing not to interrupt it.
Or maybe he’s fighting his own.
As we get closer to my apartment, the ball in my chest expands, pressing against my ribcage and making it difficult to breathe. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to calm down. This is Holden. My person. Which is exactly why it feels so… massive.
One wrong move could shift everything. One right move could too.
When we get there, Holden lets go of my hand to grab the stuff from the trunk.
I move on autopilot, walking to the door and unlocking it.
It clicks open, and we step inside. The familiar scent hits me, grounding and surreal all at once.
I pick up notes of sandalwood and cherry from when I’d burned the last of my candle earlier, and it fills me with sadness.
I wish I hadn’t burned through it so fast. I wanted it to last.
Aris immediately starts squawking from her cage, bright green wings scraping the wires as she demands to be set free. I ignore her.
Setting the stuffed panda on the couch, I turn to face Holden.
He’s already watching me. Not the way he usually does.
No. This is different—his gaze is sharper, more focused.
Like he’s studying me or trying to figure something out.
There’s confusion there. Curiosity. And something that makes my breath catch.
I’ve seen Holden want someone before… but now I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that stare, and damn the things it does to me.
I close the distance between us before I can think better of it, stepping into his space and lifting my hands to cup his face. His skin is warm under my palms, slightly scruffy.
“We don’t have to do this,” he says quietly.
“I know.”
I kiss him, soaking in the taste, the sounds, the sudden hitch to his breath. All the things I never knew about Holden and now get to experience.
There’s still that voice in the back of my head, saying we’re going too fast and we’re stepping over lines we can’t redraw. It’s telling me he’ll change his mind.
I shove it aside and lean into Holden, pressing our bodies together as I deepen the kiss just enough to feel the shift between us.
He rocks his hips forward, groaning as he digs his fingers into my waist—but there’s hesitation too.
A gentleness that borders on restraint, like he’s holding something back.
Or like he’s not sure.
It makes me pause.
Pulling back, I search his face. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
His hands slide up my sides—slowly, so slowly—coming to rest at my back. “I don’t know what I’m thinking.”
“Tell me anyway.”
His nostrils flare as he sucks in a quiet breath, eyes flicking between mine like he’s trying to find the right words. It’s a long few seconds before he speaks.
“You keep telling me I skip steps, Kor,” he says finally, voice low. “Are you sure we aren’t doing that now?”
I don’t answer—because I don’t know how. A part of me knows he’s right, even if I hate it.
He brushes his thumb against my back, soft and careful.
“Tonight was…” He shakes his head slightly, letting out a small, almost disbelieving laugh. “I don’t even have words for what tonight was. Better than anything I could’ve imagined, if I’m honest.”
My chest tightens, and I catch myself smiling. “For me too.”
“I don’t want to ruin it,” he adds, quieter now, “by going too far.”
Damn him.
Damn him for making sense and being the one to pull the brakes when I was ready to jump.
I study him for a second, taking in the sincerity in his eyes, the softness to his expression. Holden is holding himself back not because he doesn’t want this, but because he does.
This matters to him.
The irony of the moment doesn’t slip by me. Where other men used to say no because they were uncomfortable around me, Holden is saying no because he does and he knows it’s not the right time.
I beat a fist against his chest playfully. “Negative one hundred points.”
The side of his mouth quirks up as he holds me. “I think you’ll see it differently tomorrow.”
He’s probably right. The only question is, how differently? Was this a mistake?
My thumb brushes over his cheek, then his lower lip. I lean in to kiss him again, softer this time and with less urgency.
Holden curls his arms around me. I step into it, folding my arms around his neck.
I hug him tight, closing my eyes. How did we even get here?
A month ago, I never would’ve thought this was a possibility for us.
I never even considered it. But now, it’s like a missing piece was just presented to me and everything makes sense.
Can I trust it?
Can I trust him?
“Still stay tonight,” I murmur against his neck. “Please. I don’t want you to go.”
Holden groans softly, hands flexing against my back like he knows how difficult that will be… for both of us. It’s a few seconds before he replies. “I’ll stay.”
When we pull apart, there’s a different, almost shy kind of quiet between us.
This is new territory.
“I’ll—uh—go change then,” I say, gesturing vaguely toward the bathroom.
Holden nods, scrubbing his face as he steps away. “Yeah, me too. After, I mean.”
I slip into the bathroom and close the door behind me, leaning against it for a second. My reflection stares back at me. All wide eyes and flushed cheeks. I barely recognize myself with the way I’m smiling.
I touch my lips. Holden kissed me.
I press a palm to my chest, trying to will my heart to slow down. Eventually, I slip out of my dress and change into a pair of soft purple sleep shorts and a black cami.
When I step back out, Holden is standing by my dresser, but his gaze immediately lifts to me, then drops for the briefest of glances to my hips. It’s quick and subtle, his cheeks turning red before he turns away. But I catch it.
Was he looking for the underwear?
I bite back a smile. I am definitely not telling him that I’m wearing them tonight. Nope. No way in hell. It would cast that boundary straight into the fire. I’m sure of it.
He grabs his own things from the bottom drawer, then disappears into the bathroom. I take the opportunity to let Aris out. She hops onto my shoulder, chirping indignantly.
“I know, I know,” I murmur, scratching under her beak. “Bad timing. Here. Have an extra treat.”
She swallows down half a dozen treats before flying away, finally content.
By the time I reenter my bedroom, Holden is fully changed and pulling back the sheets. We avoid each other’s gaze as we climb in.
Or at least, we try to.
Holden sputters a nervous laugh when he flops onto the pillow.
He pulls me against him almost immediately, like it’s instinct, and our bodies fit together in a way that feels both completely new and entirely inevitable.
Our legs tangle, and I drape an arm over his chest, feeling the steady rise and fall of his breathing under my palm.
The knot behind my ribs tightens painfully.
Dammit.
He was right.
It would’ve been a mistake to go further. I see it now, with the adrenaline fading and the quiet settling in around us. Tonight was already so much—full in ways I never could’ve expected. Adding more to it might’ve tipped the balance. Pushed us too far, too fast.
“Tonight really was the best,” Holden murmurs into the quiet. His voice is soft, almost reverent. “I loved all of it.”
I curl in closer, pressing my face into his shoulder. “I did too.”
There’s a beat of silence, then Holden asks in a lighter, almost teasing tone, “Is it too soon to ask for a third date then?”
I snort and smack his ribs lightly.
He laughs hard enough to shake the bed.
When I lift my head to look at him, he leans in and presses a gentle kiss to the tip of my nose.
“Night, Kor.”
My chest does that stupid, tight flippy thing again, and I grin wide.
“Night.”
I wake slowly, like I’m surfacing through warm water. Everything is soft and hazy. My chest feels strange—buoyant, almost. Like something inside of me is floating.
For a second, I just lie there, eyes still closed and clinging to the last threads of the dream I was having.
The Ferris wheel.
The warm summer air on my skin.
Holden standing in front of me, his voice quieter than usual, like he’s afraid of breaking something fragile between us.
Him kissing me, undressing me. Touching me. Our naked bodies sliding together…
My eyes snap open, and I hide a smile into the pillow. Damn, last night had been amazing. Holden had put so much thought into the date, and I’d loved every minute of it.
I touch my lips, remembering the way Holden’s mouth felt against mine. The look in his eyes just before we kissed. Everything about it had been perfect.
The apartment is quiet this morning, the air cool. Even Aris is silent, probably snoozing on one of her perches somewhere. The bed is still and cool—too cool. Wait.
Turning my head, I find Holden’s side of the bed empty, and my heart sinks. There’s a note on his pillow in his neat blocky handwriting.
Kor, I hate leaving you like this, I’m sorry. Hattie has a flat tire and needs my help. Thank you for everything, it truly was a dream. I look forward to next time. XO, H
I flop back onto the pillow with a groan. Dammit. Guess I won’t make us chocolate chip pancakes.
Pulling Holden’s pillow closer, I inhale his woodsy scent and smile to myself. He’s right, though. Last night was a dream, wasn’t it? Incredible.
When I finally shuffle into the bathroom, I gasp in horror at the streaks of makeup all over my face.
I must’ve forgotten to wash it off, too caught up in the weirdness—goodness—of my night with Holden.
Snatching a wet wipe from the canister, I clean my face and look around.
My eyes widen when I see my neon green dildo on the bathroom counter. Ah, fuck. Did Holden see that?
I slam it in the drawer, choking back a laugh. Things could not be any weirder right now. Like I’m living in some sort of twilight zone.
Heat fills my cheeks as I think about how close we came to having sex. Holden was smart to slow us down. I need time to wrap my head around this. I hadn’t even known his feelings were real until he’d held me at the play.
After brushing my teeth, I take a shower, then pull on some underwear. I catch my reflection in the mirror again and pause, trying to see what Holden would see—my smooth hairless chest, partially toned stomach, narrow hips, soft bulge behind green lace.
Okay, maybe not so soft.
I remember the way he’d held me, the way he’d looked at me like he wanted more. Then the deep ache when he slowed us down.
I imagine him stepping in behind me, touching my hips, kissing my shoulder. Running a hand over my ass and staring at me in the mirror with the same hunger he’d had last night. I imagine him pulling one side of the panties down, tracing my skin as he rocks his hips forward.
I suck in a breath.
My body reacts to the fantasy. My skin gets warm, my breaths turn shallow. I can almost feel his lips on my neck, and it makes heat simmer low in my stomach.
I grip the counter.
“Don’t,” I whisper, even as my hips shift slightly. The cool pressure of the tiled counter is exquisite. I go up on my toes as lust pulses through me. Fuck, Holden…
I slant my head, imagining Holden kissing up to my ear, pinning me with his weight. I draw in my lower lip, sliding a hand down my stomach and over my rapidly hardening cock. I squeeze myself, skin tingling.
Holden wants this just as much as I do. He wouldn’t care if I fantasized about him… right?
Walking to my mattress, I lie down and flatten both palms against my chest. I move them down my stomach to my hips, resting at the waistband of my underwear.
My breath hitches as I close my eyes. If Holden was here with me, he’d crawl over me, grinning as he kissed me.
I’d turn my head to the side, inviting him to kiss down my throat.
I imagine him lying on top of me, grinding our hips together.
“Oh, fuck,” I mutter.
My right hand drifts lower, almost unconsciously.
Chasing that warmth, that pressure… that delicious, dangerous curiosity of what it would be like to have sex with him.
Biting my lip, I pull one knee up and touch myself through the thin material.
The heat is immediate and intense, simmering throughout my body.
I groan and arch my back as my cock swells, stretching the lace. It’s been weeks since I’ve done this. Even longer since I’ve felt any real level of desire. It’s burning now, unstoppable.
A whimper escapes me when I sweep a thumb under the fabric to touch myself.
Instinctively, I roll my hips, and the delicate fabric slips down my cock as it springs free.
I curl a hand around my length, imagining if it were Holden’s calloused hand around me.
Precum dribbles down the side, easing the friction, but I need more.
Scrambling further onto the bed, I dig out the lube from my nightstand and hastily coat myself, jacking hard. I listen for Holden’s deep, husky voice, listen to hear my name on his lips. What would it even sound like, so raw with desire?
Reaching behind myself, I use my middle finger to circle my rim. My toes curl as my balls draw up tight. I’ve never wanted him this way, never even saw it was a possibility. And now I’m on the cusp of an insanely intense orgasm. I can feel it tingling up my spine.
I groan his name again, and jack harder, eyes shut, bottom lip curled in between my teeth. It doesn’t take long until hot white ropes spill onto my chest. Pleasure rips through my body, and I cry out, cock pulsing.
Stunned, I stare up at the ceiling, catching my breath. Did I really just do that?
Slowly, I drag my fingers through the liquid, feeling slightly mortified yet incredibly sated. I haven’t had a release that intense in years. To thoughts of Holden of all people.
I laugh quietly to myself. Yeah, it’s definitely a good thing he isn’t here. I need to wrap my head around this before we go further.
I need to wrap my head around all of this.
Reaching for his note, I hold it to my lips. Please let this be real.