KORIE
Isit in my car for a minute after my shift, staring out at the dark parking lot while the engine idles beneath me. The tightness in my chest hasn’t eased since Holden stopped by for lunch.
Was I really wrong to hide this from my friends? I feel like I fucked up.
I avoided Sophie for the rest of the day, even ducking into a stairwell when I saw her heading my way. If she picked up on the strangeness between Holden and me, others will too.
Holden and I have always been close. Too close, probably.
Too familiar. People have always tied us together as a unit, and it never bothered me.
But now that things have shifted, now that I know what his mouth feels like against mine and what it’s like to wake up tangled around him, that “unit” has a different meaning.
It’s too easy to reach for him, even without meaning to.
I close my eyes, fighting tears. Ever since we crossed whatever line we crossed, even before the sex, everything inside me has felt warmer somehow. Softer. Like my body keeps reaching for the memory of him without asking permission first.
So why am I feeling this way? Like I suddenly can’t get a full breath?
My phone buzzes in my hand, pulling me out of my thoughts. I unlock it automatically to see a text from Holden.
You make it home?
My eyes sting unexpectedly. I’d hurt him, yet he’s still checking in on me.
Me: Just leaving now.
Holden replies immediately. Call me when you’re there.
I drop my phone in the cupholder. I hate how weird things are now. They were so good… right up until when I’d bolted out of his bed this morning like something hurt me.
I drive home, let Aris out of her cage, then take a shower, hoping it will settle something in my head. By the time I pull on my plaid pajama shorts and my favorite oversized sweatshirt, I still haven’t found my center.
And I know why.
Things have never been off with Holden. But ever since I woke up in his arms, I’ve been… caught between the then and now. I don’t know how to process all this.
I read his message again, but don’t call him. Instead, I sink into the couch and pull my favorite fuzzy blanket around me. Holden’s comment about turning myself into a burrito comes to mind, and it makes me chuckle. So what if I do? At least I’m comfortable.
I pull up the show Miles and I agreed to watch together, then I finally text Holden. I’m here, safe and sound.
He doesn’t reply, but that’s fine. I kind of expected it.
Twenty minutes later, there’s a soft knock on my door. Aris chirps in alarm, making me jump.
I get up to answer it and pause when I see Holden’s face.
“What… what are you doing here?”
Holden is wearing the stupid half-smile he does when he knows he’s being ridiculous. “I was in the area and needed your toilet.”
“Uh… huh.”
“It was urgent.”
I grip the door. “It’s nearly ten. Weren’t you at home?”
He shrugs. “Your toilet is better than mine.”
I snort, despite myself. “That is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.”
He hesitates, voice soft. “Can I come in?”
The air between us changes instantly, becoming heavy.
I step aside to let him in. While he disappears to the bathroom, I return to the couch, wrapping the blanket around me again.
A minute later, Holden plops down next to me and snatches the bag of Doritos from my lap.
“Wow,” I say flatly. “Home invasion and theft.”
“You invited me in.”
“Mmm. No. You forced your way in under false pretenses.”
“You can’t prove that.”
“You literally announced you were here for the toilet.”
He holds a finger up. “Allegedly.”
I laugh under my breath. I can’t look at him too long without the discomfort from earlier creeping back in. I want him here. I know I do. So why do I feel like a part of me… doesn’t? Is it only because Sophie and Miles might know? Or is it because we haven’t really said what we’re doing?
“What are we watching?” he asks, shoving a handful of Doritos into his mouth.
“People getting yelled at over cake.”
He arches a brow.
“Miles and I are binging the early seasons of Nailed It.”
“Perfect.”
My heart craves him, despite the noise in my head. Shifting in my seat, I lean toward Holden and prop my knees on his thigh. Holden smiles at me, clearly relieved.
He should call me out on my behavior. Demand we talk. He should say something. But he’s not. And somehow, that only makes it worse. How can he be so calm about this? Walk around like we didn’t just shift the entire foundation of our friendship last night?
Then again, Holden has always seemed better about this stuff. Keeping things casual.
The thought burns just as hot as all the other times it’s circled in my head today. I hate it, even if it’s true.
He shifts lower on the couch, sliding a hand under the blanket to rest on my bare knee. He brushes his thumb absently against my smooth skin. It sends tingles up my legs.
It’s all I can think about. Him. Us. Sitting together like this. We’ve always been touchy, but not like this.
I probably shouldn’t enjoy it as much as I do.
“You aren’t even watching,” he says after a while.
“Huh?”
He tilts his head at me suspiciously. “You usually complain about shows like this. You’re quiet.”
“I’m watching.”
“Mm-hmm. What are they making?”
“Some kind of…cake?”
When he grins in a knowing way, I elbow him.
“Ow.”
“You’re not watching either. You were staring at me.”
“Because I’m worried about you, yeah.”
All humor fades. I chew my lip before whispering, “I’m sorry, okay? I really don’t know how to handle this. Today, I mean.”
Holden shifts to see me better. “Is that all it is, though? You didn’t want them to know?” The other half of his question lingers between us. Or do you regret sleeping with me?
Panic swells within. “I know it doesn’t make sense, but I can’t… adjust to this as quickly as you, Holden. It’s not who I am.”
“So we rushed it.” He sounds a little angry with himself.
“No, I just…” I trail off, sighing in frustration.
Holden waits, as if expecting me to say more. But how can I explain it when I can’t even make sense of this?
In a quiet voice, I say the only thing I can, “It wasn’t the sex. Honestly. It wasn’t.”
I loved what we did last night, and I loved waking up with Holden’s arms around me. I think that’s what has me rattled. It felt right, and I already want it again—and soon.
I just… didn’t think I wanted any of this at all. I avoided dating so long, and now…
Holden waits for me to say more.
“I think I just panicked this morning because we’ve hardly talked about this at all. So then with Sophie…” I trail off, picking at the blanket. “Anyway, I’m sorry.”
His thumb brushes over my knee. “You know I wouldn’t say anything, though.”
That’s just it, though. I saw the joy in Holden’s eyes when he realized Sophie had caught on to this. He wants to explore this openly, while I need to process it in private.
I want to be with Holden. I just need time to adjust to the idea. Everything is happening so fast and the more eyes we have on us, the less certain I’ll feel about it being my decision. One month ago, I was convinced I didn’t even want to date, period. Now, it’s consuming every thought. It’s scary.
“Do you want us to stop?” Holden asks simply.
“No.”
“You sure?”
I curl against him. “I really don’t.”
He finally relaxes. “Okay. Good. ‘Cause neither do I.”
He lifts an arm around me and I lie against his chest.
“Stay with me tonight,” I say quietly.
Holden kisses my head. “Of course.”
“You’re breaking records lately.”
I glance up from my laptop. “Hm?”
Holden reaches over the back of the couch and hooks a finger into a strand of my hair near my temple, lifting it slightly. “Your roots are showing.”
I swat his hand away automatically. “Rude.”
“I’m serious. Usually you’re dyeing it the second half-a-centimeter appears.” He squints dramatically. “Honestly, this might be the longest I’ve ever seen your natural color.”
“It’s not that bad.”
When he makes an are-you-sure-about-that expression, I huff and push at his knee with my foot where he’s sprawled beside me.
“I’ve been busy. Okay?”
A slow grin spreads across his face immediately. “Oh? Busy with what?”
Heat rises to my cheeks. “You know exactly what, dork.”
“Do I?”
“You’re literally the reason my sleep schedule is destroyed right now.”
Holden gasps dramatically. “Wow. Blaming me for your poor choices. That’s just cruel.”
“Mm. Well, my poor choices have great arms and an annoying face.” Not to mention a great dick. I can’t stop thinking about when we slept together.
Holden grins, and it does stupid things to my heart. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
I roll my eyes, but I’m smiling anyway.
It’s been a week and a half since Holden and I talked about what’s happening, and he’s been here almost every night since, stretched across my couch like he belongs here—shirt off, sleep pants wrinkled, and one sock missing.
I strangely love it, even if I miss the silence. Holden can never be without music.
Holden has always been comfortable in my apartment, but ever since we had sex, he’s been… nestled. Like, actually cozied up in my space.
Or maybe that’s the ground shifting between us. Pulling us together in ways we never were.
I try not to think about it too hard. It just makes my heart race.
Holden reaches for my hair again, gentler this time, rubbing the darker roots between his fingers. “You want me to help?”
I blink. “With what?”
“Dyeing it.”
I stare at him for a second, waiting for the punchline. “You know how to dye hair?”
He makes an are-you-kidding-me face. “My best friends are you and Hattie. What do you think?”
“Okay, but have you ever actually done it?”
“Well. No,” he says confidently, “but how hard can it be?”
I snort. “That is an absolutely terrifying sentence.”
He laughs. “C’mon. I can follow instructions.”
“You once put together a bookshelf backward. You really expect me to trust you with my hair?”
“That was one time!”
“You attached the shelves upside down. The easiest part!”
“It still held books.”